


Younger, Gayer, Even Less Justified

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Series: Young, Gay, Totally Unjustified [2]
Category: Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Bisexual Characters, Chatting & Messaging, Dysphoria, Everyone Is Gay, Friendship, GSA Club AU, Gay Characters, Group chat, Homophobia, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, It's gonna be fun folks, Lesbian Characters, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Halo, Nonbinary Violet Harper, Romance, Suicide Attempt, Texting, Trans Female Character, Trans M'gann M'orzz, Trans Male Character, Trans Wally West, Transphobia, chatfic, not a lot but y'know, not graphic!!!!, suicide attempt is no longer just a backstory thing whoopsie, these kids are just depressed it's fine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 125,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22812148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: Wally:IT’S SENIOR YEAR, HOES!!!!!!Wally:I’VE GOT MY HAT ON BACKWARDS AND IT’S TIME TO FUCKING PARTYKaldur:SENIOR YEAR!!!Artemis:HELL FUCKING YEAHHHHHH *twerks violently against a water fountain*Megan:I am a senior CITIZEN and I’m PROUDRaquel:EVERY YEAR I GET A LITTLE GAYER AND NOW MY GAYNESS HAS FINALLY REACHED ITS PEAKRaquel:TIME TO REJOICE!!!Time for another year of shenanigans at Happy Harbor High School's GSA club, packed to the brim with gay teenagers and hijinks galore. (Sequel to"Young and Gay and Totally Unjustified")
Relationships: Artemis Crock/Wally West, Bart Allen/Eduardo Dorado Jr., Kon-El | Conner Kent/M'gann M'orzz, Roy Harper/Kaldur'ahm, Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake
Series: Young, Gay, Totally Unjustified [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996390
Comments: 578
Kudos: 549





	1. Welcome Back, Folks

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, fellas!!! The long-awaited sequel!!! People have been asking me so much to do one and I kept saying no, but a couple weeks ago it occurred to me that a sequel would actually be pretty rad and yeah. Here we are. I am officially back on my bullshit and it is totally worth it. 
> 
> I don't know yet how my updating schedule is going to go, but I'm hoping to post a new chapter every week or so. We'll see how it goes.

**Dick > Wallman** **  
** **  
** **Monday, September 2** **  
** **06:38 EST**

**Dick:** Hi howdy hey Wall of Man, I need your professional advice **  
** **  
** **Dick:** [image sent]   
  
**Dick:** [image sent]    
  
**Dick:** Should I go with the cleavage-y striped shirt and jeans combo, or should I dress up like Had To Do It To ‘Em Guy to assert dominance over my peers   
  
**Dick:** OR alternative solution: I could break in my new chicken costume and roll in with Style™   
  
**Dick:** OOH OOH OOH NO WAIT I’VE GOT IT   
  
**Dick:** Black t-shirt, red jeans, Selina’s heels, and a slice of bread that I’ll eat holes in and wear like sunglasses   
  
**Dick:** Fuck yes I am a GENIUS   
  
**Wallman:** not gonna lie man, I have no idea what you’re talking about   
  
**Dick:** Outfits? I need to make a good impression    
  
**Wallman:** for what   
  
**Dick:** Today?    
  
**Dick:** The first day of school?    
  
**Dick:** Am I ringing any bells?    
  
**Wallman:** dfgdshj it’s not the first day of school, get your facts straight

**Wallman:** *gay  
  
**Dick:** Yes it is? We have school in less than an hour dude  
  
**Wallman:** but today’s sunday  
  
**Dick:** Oh my god Wally  
  
**Dick:** Please go check your calendar   
  
**Wallman:** ……  
  
**Wallman:** dfgIUYTFYGUHI ITS THE FIRST DAY OF SHCOOL  
  
**Dick:** Is it really? I’m shocked  
  
**Wallman:** FUCK YOU IM GONNA MISS TH EBUS OHMY GOD  
  
**Dick:** I thought you had your permit  
  
**Wallman:** I DO BUT I HAVENT USED IT YET BECAUSE IM SCARED OF DYING IN A FIERY CAR WRECJK  
  
**Dick:** Ah  
  
**Dick:** Want a ride?   
  
**Wallman:** YES PELASE   
  
**Dick:** I’ll tell Alfred to make extra breakfast burritos  
  
**Wally:** THANK YOU I LVOE YOU  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Arty ** **  
** **  
** **Monday, September 2** **  
** **06:41 EST**

**Zatanna:** artemisssssss i have a problem  
  
**Arty:** What did you do  
  
**Zatanna:** i missed the bussssssss  
  
**Arty:** It’s literally the first day of the school year, how did you manage to miss the bus already??  
  
**Zatanna:** well u see, i woke up at 4:00 because i wanted to have extra time to pick out an outfit and i chose this really cute skirt, remember the one i wore to rocky’s birthday bash over the summer? except the possum i’ve been raising in my underwear drawer was grouchy this morning so when i tried to snuggle him mr. pretzel puked up strawberry smoothie in my lap which meant i had to change into short-shorts and my pig shirt and suddenly i was late and the bus was hurtling away at the speed of sound and now my morning is no longer gucci  
  
**Arty:** So...you need a ride?  
  
**Zatanna:** yes please my deary  
  
**Arty:** Gotcha   
  
**Arty:** I’ll be there in ten  
  
**Zatanna:** can we also get mcmuffins on the way? i didn’t eat breakfast  
  
**Arty:** Depends, are you paying?   
  
**Zatanna:** sí  
  
**Arty:** You've got yourself a deal  
  
**Zatanna:** YAY  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Megan** **  
** **  
** **Monday, September 2** **  
** **06:50 EST**

**Conner:** are you ready? im in the driveway    
  
**Conner:** also your uncle waved at me when he left for work and said he liked my jacket so i feel special now   
  
**Megan:** Good morning!! <333   
  
**Megan:** I’m ready, but Gar is still fixing his hair in the mirror   
  
**Megan:** Thanks again for letting him tag along with us, by the way   
  
**Conner:** no problem   
  
**Conner:** is he excited for his first day of high school?    
  
**Megan:** I think so   
  
**Megan:** Is it weird that I’m more anxious about his first day than he is?    
  
**Conner:** nah i get it. its like when birds first shove their children out of the nest to see if they float or splatter on the ground   
  
**Megan:** Are you sure that’s how nature works?    
  
**Conner:** no idea   
  
**Conner:** by the way i picked you up a pink lemonade and i didnt know what garfield liked so i got him every dairy free chocolate milk they had    
  
**Conner:** i hope thats okay   
  
**Megan:** You’re sweet <3   
  
**Megan:** Have I told you that I love you yet today?    
  
**Conner:** hmmmm i dont think so

**Conner:** you might need to jog my memory    
  
**Megan:** Breaking news: I love you ;)   
  
**Conner:** i love you too    
  
**Conner:** also you might want to tell gar to get a move on, we still need to pick up kaldur and raq on the way   
  
**Megan:** Got it, we’ll be out in a few   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Kaldur ** **  
** **  
** **Monday, September 2** **  
** **07:03 EST**

**Roy:** Good luck on your first day of senior year!   
  
**Roy:** God knows you’re gonna need it.    
  
**Kaldur:** You navigated it well enough, so I think I should be fine.    
  
**Kaldur:** But thank you.（*＾3＾）   
  
**Roy:** Is   
  
**Roy:** Is that an emoji?   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes.    
  
**Roy:** Who taught you how to use emojis????    
  
**Kaldur:** Megan did.    
  
**Kaldur:** <3   
  
**Kaldur:** My senior year resolution was to be more hip. (▼-▼*)   
  
**Roy:** While I will admit that this is very cute, are you sure that Megs is really the one you want to be taking coolness lessons from?    
  
**Kaldur:** Stop bullying me. Uwu. (¬_¬)   
  
**Roy:** Sdfghjkhg.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Hi Gay I’m Dad** **  
** **  
** **Monday, September 2** **  
** **07:23 EST**

**Wally:** *deep inhale*   
  
**Wally:** *continues to inhale deeply*    
  
**Wally:** *still inhaling because I need the air but good god I’m getting lightheaded here*   
  
**Zatanna:** guys he’s turning blue   
  
**Wally:** *screams* IT’S SENIOR YEAR, HOES!!!!!!   
  
**Wally:** I’VE GOT MY HAT ON BACKWARDS AND IT’S TIME TO FUCKING PARTY    
  
**Kaldur:** SENIOR YEAR!!!   
  
**Artemis:** HELL FUCKING YEAHHHHHH *twerks violently against a water fountain*   
  
**Megan:** I am a senior CITIZEN and I’m PROUD    
  
**Raquel:** EVERY YEAR I GET A LITTLE GAYER AND NOW MY GAYNESS HAS FINALLY REACHED ITS PEAK   
  
**Raquel:** TIME TO REJOICE!!!   
  
**Kaldur:** I feel like I could lift a car.   
  
**Wally:** this is gonna be the best year EVER okay, we are legally obligated to have as much fun as possible and it’s going to ROCK   
  
**Megan:** Heck yeah!   
  
**Conner:** dick and zee, how are you non-senior youngsters feeling this morning?    
  
**Dick:** Boooo fuck you guys   
  
**Zatanna:** i say we start a rebellion and overthrow you crusty seniors   
  
**Zatanna:** u age one year and suddenly u think ur the kings and queens of the world   
  
**Wally has renamed the group:** **_The Mind Kink_ ** **  
** **  
** **Wally:** new school year, take it back now y’all    
  
**Raquel:** Oh the nostalgia,,,    
  
**Raquel:** Anyway I’ve already got my cane and hearing aids ready, how about you fellow seniors    
  
**Conner:** im so old i need help crossing the street now   
  
**Wally:** I need to squint whenever someone shows me something on their phone   
  
**Artemis:** I exchanged all of my cute clothes for muted turtlenecks and cardigans   
  
**Kaldur:** I was already born thirty years old, so I am now a prime 47. My grandkids were born today.    
  
**Dick:** I think the real question here is how is our dear old Roy handling his new fetal status   
  
**Roy:** Pardon me?    
  
**Dick:** You’re baby now   
  
**Roy:** I’m a legal adult though? I could date a cougar and it wouldn’t even be statutory rape.    
  
**Zatanna:** for a sec there i thought u meant the cat and i was frightened    
  
**Dick:** Roy, you’re a college freshman now   
  
**Dick:** That makes you baby   
  
**Roy:** No.   
  
**Dick:** A lil one-year-old preemie   
  
**Roy:** Stop.    
  
**Megan:** Is it weird that all I’ve wanted to do this summer was start senior year, and now that it’s begun all I want to do is go back to summer when I had no responsibilities?    
  
**Artemis:** Honestly same   
  
**Artemis:** My teacher has already yelled at me four times for using my phone during class   
  
**Zatanna:** maybe u shouldn’t be on ur phone in class then   
  
**Artemis:** Now that’s just ridiculous   
  
**Kaldur:** Remember when we all went to the lake in August? We should do that again.    
  
**Wally:** you mean the lake day when  _ someone  _ pushed me off a raft into the cold dirty water soup? yes I do recall   
  
**Conner:** i thought you were a shark   
  
**Conner:** it was preemptive self defense   
  
**Wally:** it was attempted murder and you’re lucky I didn’t sue you for emotional trauma   
  
**Wally:** also why would there be a shark in a lake???   
  
**Conner:** i thought you were a gator   
  
**Conner:** wanted to wrassle it   
  
**Roy:** Remember the day it rained and we made a slip ‘n slide out of wooden boards and duct tape?    
  
**Megan:** I’d rather not   
  
**Raquel:** We were picking splinters out of each other’s backs like chimps    
  
**Zatanna:** hey roy next time u come home we should go to the ice cream palace again and eat nacho cheese out of waffle cones   
  
**Zatanna:** that was fun   
  
**Conner:** now im nostalgic for summer again goddammit   
  
**Conner:** look at what you fools did   
  
**Conner:** i am no longer excited about senior year   
  
**Artemis:** Okay but consider this:    
  
**Artemis:** On graduation day we can have a High School Musical marathon   
  
**Conner:** …   
  
**Conner:** i am once again excited about senior year    
  
**Megan:** Roy, how are you settling in at Star University?    
  
**Dick:** Oh yeah I’d like to know the answer to this too   
  
**Roy:** I don’t know. It doesn’t suck, I guess.    
  
**Artemis:** Descriptive   
  
**Megan:** Have you been getting lonely? I worry about you being so far away in California   
  
**Raquel:** Megs, you are sweeter than a chocolate bar and I love you   
  
**Roy:** Agreed. And don’t worry about it, I’ve been watching Monsters University and Pitch Perfect on repeat for weeks to prepare for my new life. So I’m all set.    
  
**Wally:** what’s your roommate like?    
  
**Roy:** Weird. His name is Psimon and he’s kind of a pretentious douchebag? He only wears turtlenecks and he spells his name Like That and he’s one of those art majors who does a lot of drugs and draws weird shit. I once watched him gargle paint and spit it onto a canvas.    
  
**Dick:** Yikes   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Monday, September 2** **  
** **09:32 EST**

**Wally:** aloha, beautiful  **  
** **  
** **Wally:** what time do you have lunch today?   
  
**Blondie:** Sixth period   
  
**Wally:** NICE so do I    
  
**Wally:** what do you say that instead of eating in the cafeteria like normal boring people, we sneak out to the big belly burger down the street and get some sloppy joes   
  
**Blondie:** Hmmm I don’t know   
  
**Blondie:** I was really looking forward to enjoying some nutritious mystery meat and apple juice in a soggy cardboard carton   
  
**Wally:** of course, how foolish of me    
  
**Wally:** meet you by your locker after fifth?    
  
**Blondie:** You got it mister   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Us** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, September 3** **  
** **12:55 EST**

**Kaldur:** Sound off, gay brethren. I need everyone here for an announcement.    
  
**Kaldur:** And I mean everyone, originals included. Gather around, children.    
  
**Jaime:** Are we being executed?    
  
**Kaldur:** No.    
  
**Jaime:** Oh.    
  
**Bart:** are you gonna sacrifice us to a sea monster?    
  
**Kaldur:** No.    
  
**Bart:** dang it, I always wanted to be sacrificed to a powerful entity   
  
**Traci:** Steal our kidneys Kaldur I dare you    
  
**Zatanna:** i’ll trade my liver in exchange for an extra thumb if u want   
  
**Zatanna:** then i’ll have THREE thumbs   
  
**Megan:** If I throw in a spleen does that mean I can get two extra thumbs instead of one? Because that way I can do four thumb wars at the same time   
  
**Tim:** fữn fǎcť! I was born without a spleen, so if you cough on me i might literally ɗię lmao   
  
**Dick:** It’s true

**Bart has renamed the group: _Young Just Ass_**

**Bart:** there we go, now that is so much better  
  
**Traci:** Excellent choice  
  
**Bart:** new year new ass folks  
  
**Kaldur:** I  
  
**Kaldur:** I don't even have the energy to argue anymore.  
  
**Wally:** damn you guys broke kaldur I'm impressed  
  
**Cassie:** Hey I just noticed that La’gaan isn’t in the chat anymore, where did he go?    
  
**Bart:** oh yeah he moved to florida over the summer   
  
**Conner:** tragic   
  
**Steph:** i don’t remember anyone named lasagna being here but oh well    
  
**Raquel:** Kaldur, what did you need us all here for? I’m busy trying to break the chocolate milk gargling world record   
  
**Kaldur:** It has to do with the way GSA is going to be run this year.    
  
**Roy:** Does that mean I can ignore this since I don’t go to that school anymore?   
  
**Artemis:** Yep   
  
**Artemis:** Say bye bye to Roy kids   
  
**Artemis has removed Roy Harper from the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Cassie:** Ouch   
  
**Kaldur:** ...Anyway.   
  
**Kaldur:** I regret to inform you all that due to our funding being cut, we have been demoted to the basement for GSA this year. More specifically, the storage room next to the boiler room.    
  
**Tim:** Heck fucking ŸĔŚ   
  
**Tim:** MY PṚAYERS TO BE RƎLEASED INTO THE ĐEPTHS OF THE ŨNDERWORLD HĀVE BEEN ANŞWERĘĎ   
  
**Steph:** tim hon can you not be weird for like five seconds this is a serious matter   
  
**Steph:** now   
  
**Steph:** my primary concern is the ghosts that live under the school, primarily those of former students who have died of boredom and now seek revenge    
  
**Dick:** My brother haunts the school basement   
  
**Tim:** ¿moi?   
  
**Dick:** Other brother    
  
**Tim:** ah    
  
**Artemis:** I once saw a dead victorian girl down there   
  
**Zatanna:** what was she like?    
  
**Artemis:** Secret   
  
**Zatanna:** oh   
  
**Jaime:** I’m surprised there used to be a budget at all.    
  
**Kaldur:** Well, technically it was only five dollars and a roll of rainbow stickers.    
  
**Kaldur:** This year we don’t even get that.    
  
**Bart:** question: can we paint the walls of the room rainbow   
  
**Bart:** please say yes or I’ll chug pen ink in retaliation   
  
**Wally:** ooh I vote yes   
  
**Wally:** every wall can be a different flag    
  
**Traci:** I also vote yes!   
  
**Conner:** same here   
  
**Zatanna:** paint is my second favorite snack!   
  
**Megan:** What’s your first favorite?    
  
**Artemis:** DON ’T ASK HE R   
  
**Zatanna:** ass   
  
**Megan:** Oh   
  
**Artemis:** I tried to warn you  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Conner ** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, September 3** **  
** **19:56 EST**

**Dick:** What’s purple and wears a hat?    
  
**Conner:** uhhhh barney with a hat   
  
**Dick:** No   
  
**Conner:** the purple teletubby with a hat   
  
**Dick:** No   
  
**Conner:** someone low on oxygen and suffocating to death but still wearing a hat   
  
**Dick:** Nope   
  
**Conner:** i give up   
  
**Dick:** It’s a grape! I lied about the hat part   
  
**Conner:** oh   
  
**Conner:** why?    
  
**Dick:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Because I’m a bastard   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, September 4** **  
** **16:08 EST**

**Artemis:** [image sent]    
  
**Artemis:** Check it out, I found the bottle of vodka you hid under the old swing set at the playground    
  
**Artemis:** Thank you Slightly Younger Roy for leaving me this lovely present to comfort me in these trying times   
  
**Bitch In Law:** Uh oh.    
  
**Bitch In Law:** I wouldn’t drink that if I were you.    
  
**Artemis:** fdftyguhjHUGYFTDCGVHBJUINKOHUG   
  
**Artemis:** JjhguJHYG WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???? It tastes like battery acid????   
  
**Bitch In Law:** It’s vinegar.    
  
**Artemis:** WHY DID YOU HIDE A BOTTLE OF VINEGAR UNDER THE SWING SET????   
  
**Bitch In Law:** Emergency beverage.    
  
**Artemis:** Jesus fucking CHRIST what is wrong with you????   
  
**Bitch In Law:** Hey now, I don’t tell you how to live your life.    
  
**Artemis:** Oh my god  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Jason > Dickholas** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, September 5** **  
** **02:45 EST**

**Jason:** QUIT TELLIN EVERYONE I’M DEAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently Psimon was only 21 during the first season??? I thought he was at least thirty, but turns out he was just a slightly older child.
> 
> THANKS FOR READING!! I'M SO EXCITED TO GET INTO THIS STORY OKAY, I ALREADY HAVE SO MANY IDEAS AND IT'S GOING TO BE EVEN MORE FUN THAN THE FIRST ONE SO STRAP IN, FRIENDS!!!


	2. Shabooya Roll Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New gays are introduced, identity theft happens, and Roy is cloned.

**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Friday, September 6** **  
****17:12 EST**

**Kaldur Durham has added Violet Harper to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Kaldur Durham has added Eduardo Dorado Jr. to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Kaldur Durham has added Garfield Logan to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Kaldur:** Even though we did introductions today during our first GSA meeting, I thought we should welcome our newcomers to the group chat properly.   
  
**Jaime:** ???   
  
**Kaldur:** What?   
  
**Jaime:** So when it’s the Baby Zone chat you can add people whenever you want, but when WE joined up last year, you upperclassmen banished us to our own island???   
  
**Jaime:** hypOCRISY.   
  
**Cassie:** I vote we eat the upperclassmen who’s with me   
  
**Bart:** y E S   
  
**Eduardo:** I’m liking this place already   
  
**Eduardo:** Chaotic energy   
  
**Bart:** thank you it’s a talent   
  
**Kaldur:** Anyway. I know everyone from last year has done this before, but it’s a new school year so I think we should all redo our introductions that way there is no confusion. My name is Kaldur, I’m bisexual, I use he/him pronouns, and I am a senior.   
  
**Cassie:** Whaddup I’m Cassie and a she/her lesbo all the way. I have a peg leg   
  
**Bart:** ???? when did you lose your leg????   
  
**Cassie:** Oh no I still have both of mine   
  
**Cassie:** I found the peg in an empty swimming pool over the summer and took it home with me   
  
**Tim:** Nêat   
  
**Traci:** Hi guys! I’m Traci, your local wlw sophomore   
  
**Bart:** howdy fellas I’m really really really really really really really gay and I use he/him   
  
**Steph:** pansexual she/her, my name’s steph!   
  
**Jaime:** I’m bi and I go by he/him. Also I rent out my locker to bugs.   
  
**Violet:** Do they pay rent?   
  
**Jaime:** They pay me in friendship.   
  
**Tim:** Tim but dõn’t call me Timḿy unless ŵe’re related or dating, biromantic demīsexual, he/him pronoųns, and I once ate ɗog foŏd   
  
**Eduardo:** Like...the dry kind?   
  
**Tim:** ṅope   
  
**Eduardo:** Gross   
  
**Tim:** Hểll ỵeah   
  
**Eduardo:** Hi everyone you can call me Ed, he/him pronouns please, and I am super gay   
  
**Eduardo has set their nickname to** **_Ed._ **   
  
**Garfield:** I go by Gar or Garfield, either is fine. He/him pronouns, and...I don’t exactly know what I am? I know I’m queer in some way, but I haven’t really figured it all out yet   
  
**Steph:** that’s totally okay!   
  
**Steph:** what about you, violet? love that color btw so i already trust you more than these fools   
  
**Violet:** Hello! I am nonbinary and I like to be called they/them, but people usually say she/her and that is also fine with me.   
  
**Kaldur:** Which one do you prefer?   
  
**Violet:** They/them, please? If that is okay?   
  
**Kaldur:** Of course, we will call you whatever you wish to be called.   
  
**Violet:** Thank you. I came here from Qurac and am new to this school so my english is not very good yet, but I am still learning.   
  
**Garfield:** I grew up in qurac too!! my mom and I lived there until I was eight so like. respect   
  
**Garfield:** by the way, can someone please explain the chat name to me?   
  
**Garfield:** don’t get me wrong I love it and want it as a tramp stamp, but what does “young just ass” even mean?   
  
**Violet:** !!!   
  
**Garfield:** what?   
  
**Violet:** Gar you cursed!!!   
  
**Garfield:** oh   
  
**Garfield:** I mean   
  
**Garfield:** technically it was a quote so it doesn’t count   
  
**Garfield:** don’t tell Megan though or she’ll Scold me   
  
**Tim:** is that rêally how it wørks? It doesn’t count if it’s a quote?   
  
**Steph:** yep   
  
**Tim:** cơol i’m gonŋa try it   
  
**Tim:** update: I said mõtherfucker to Brùce and he grouñded me :(   
  
**Traci:** What were you quoting?   
  
**Tim:** Myself såying motherfuċker   
  
**Cassie:** Speaking of motherfuckers, where are the upperclassmen? They’re not here   
  
**Jaime:** Cassie…….did one of the originals fuck your mom.   
  
**Cassie:** No but I needed a segue so I made due with what I had   
  
**Steph:** i think it’s make do   
  
**Bart:** make doo   
  
**Kaldur:** @Everyone sound off, nerds. This is important.   
  
**Bart:** OOH OOH WAIT CAN WE DO THEIR INTROS FOR THEM PLEASE   
  
**Bart:** I’VE BEEN PRACTICING MY WALLY IMPRESSION FOR YEARS   
  
**Kaldur:** Sigh.   
  
**Kaldur:** Fine.   
  
**Traci:** Is anyone else weirdly proud that we managed to drive Kaldur to the brink of sanity, like a parent who only starts drinking once their kid hits college?   
  
**Tim:** oh definītely   
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you for that.   
  
**Bart:** you’re welcome!   
  
**Bart:** anyways SHABOOYA ROLL CALL   
  
**Bart:** “hi folks my name is wally west, I’m the wildest bisexual MotherFucker you’ll ever meet, I’m a 5’8 trans manned body of pure Hot Stuff, and I like rearranging my poor cousin’s matchbox cars in my free time because I seek CHAOS”   
  
**Jaime:** Wally West fucked my mom.   
  
**Tim:** “Whaddup gays, I’m a huge DICK (Grayson), I’m bisexual, he/him, a junior oldie, and this summer I got time-out from my butler because I was trying to swing around on the chandelier like Tarzan but it broke and I got glass in my foot and had to go to the emergency room where I cried for three hours”   
  
**Tim:** “Also I’m a dork”   
  
**Traci:** “zatanna zatara here, i’m pansexual which means i am attracted to pans, she/her pronouns is what i use, i too am a junior oldie, and the birds work for the bourgoise i’ve seen proof in a baked chicken”   
  
**Garfield:** “Hello Megan!!! That is my name!!! Megan!!! I am a beautiful trans girl who uses she/her pronouns and!!!!! I’m pansexual!!! I’m a senior!!!!! And I really love exclamation points and emojis!!!! <3333 ;3c (⁎˃ᆺ˂)”   
  
**Garfield:** “I also made my little brother do the dishes last night because I had “”””homework”””” even though we both know I was actually just shopping for headphones online!!!!”   
  
**Steph:** “The name is Artemis but you can call me Doug Dimmadome, owner of the big damn dillydome. I’m a blonde bi badass. I once fought a pigeon because he looked at me funny. Another time I hissed at a gargoyle and it shattered into pieces. I eat nails for breakfast and chocolate milkshakes for lunch”   
  
**Cassie:** “whats up im conner i am asexual and i am he and him and i dont do anything other than wrestle my dog and lift weights. dont talk to me or ill cry ok i swear i will”   
  
**Jaime:** “Hey guys the name is RAQUEL. I’m a LESBIAN and a SENIOR and I have a purse that is shaped like a TRIANGLE because I carry around PIZZA SLICES in it”   
  
**Dick:** *gasp*   
  
**Dick:** Guys the babies are bullying us!!!! Get over here!!!   
  
**Tim:** “Oh look it’s me, Dick Grayson!!!! I am two feet tall and guess what else!!!!!”   
  
**Dick:** NO!!!! **  
****  
****Tim:** “I!!!! Like to put horseradish in my hot chocolate!!!! And my brother has photographic evidence!!!!!!”   
  
**Dick:** **_NO!!!!!!!!!_ **   
  
**Wally:** stop bullying us you anarchist munchkins!!!! this is outrageous slander!!!!   
  
**Wally:** identity theft is not a JOKE jim!!!!   
  
**Artemis:** Speak for yourself, I was portrayed perfectly   
  
**Artemis:** Gold star for you, Steph   
  
**Steph:** heck mcfucking yes   
  
**Raquel:** How dare you judge my pizza purse?? It was a WONDERFUL financial decision and I use it daily   
  
**Conner:** where are you getting all that pizza from?   
  
**Raquel:** Sometimes I fill it with play-doh   
  
**Violet:** For stress relief?   
  
**Raquel:** For snacks   
  
**Megan:** Hi Gar!!! <3   
  
**Garfield:** Hi Megan!!! <3   
  
**Dick:** Hey Tim why don’t you love me like that?   
  
**Tim:** give m᷆᷆e your w̃allet   
  
**Dick:** No   
  
**Tim:** Theǹ i guess you hav̂e ur answǝr   
  
**Zatanna:** hey newbies, follow my ticktok @magic_bitch or my instagram @chicken_casserole_with_mayonnaise or my twitter @boiledeggsonmytiddies or my tumblr @send-money-mom-not-nudes-please-its-gross   
  
**Violet:** I am too scared to follow any of those.   
  
**Zatanna:** y’know what? that’s fair, thank u for ur honesty   
  
**Ed:** Wait a second   
  
**Ed:** Wally West?   
  
**Wally:** yes?   
  
**Ed:** Aren’t you the guy who won the track final last year?   
  
**Wally:** indeed I am!!   
  
**Wally:** finally people are recognizing me for my successes :)   
  
**Ed:** Didn’t you like. Burst into tears when they gave you the medal?   
  
**Wally:** I was EMOTIONAL OKAY   
  
**Wally:** also wasn’t there another new kid in gsa today? or have I suddenly lost the ability to count   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes, there was another person. He is not in this group chat.   
  
**Bart:** klarion bleak right? yeah how come he’s not here?   
  
**Dick:** In all fairness, he radiated bastard energy and I don’t like him on instinct   
  
**Conner:** isnt that homophobic? hes gay   
  
**Dick:** So are we   
  
**Conner:** oh yeah   
  
**Kaldur:** He also has a Nokia flip phone and doesn’t trust modern technology. So he’s not here.   
  
**Garfield:** how pretentious ew   
  
**Ed:** I mean, the kid came to school in a tux. Are you really that surprised?   
  
**Garfield:** you got me there

* * *

**Wally > Megalicious** **  
****  
****Saturday, September 7** **  
****11:49 EST**

**Wally:** are you an alien?   
  
**Megalicious:** Hi Wally   
  
**Wally:** because there’s no friend like you on earth! :D   
  
**Megalicious:** Good one   
  
**Megalicious:** Is your name Google?   
  
**Wally:** oh my god oh my god   
  
**Megalicious:** Because you’re everything I’m looking for in a friend ;)   
  
**Wally:** oh my gOD I am so proud of you   
  
**Wally:** I have taught you well, grasshopper

* * *

**Group Chat: Bread** **  
****  
****Sunday, September 8** **  
****17:23 EST**

**Rye Bread:** [image sent]   
  
**Rye Bread:** [image sent]   
  
**Rye Bread:** Check it out, Oliver sent over some of the pictures he took at my graduation party.   
  
**Rye Bread:** I’m so glad I didn’t take Artemis’ advice and shave my head. I look fly in these photos.   
  
**Crouton:** It’s weird hearing you call yourself fly   
  
**Crouton:** Like when teachers say “lit”   
  
**Bagél:** I agree   
  
**Rye Bread:** Of course you do.   
  
**Bagél:** also why do you have a clone in that picture?   
  
**Rye Bread:** What are you talking about?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** This guy **  
****  
****Wonder Bread:** [image sent]   
  
**Wonder Bread:** He looks exactly like you   
  
**Rye Bread:** That’s my uncle Jim.   
  
**Bagél:** are you sure?   
  
**Rye Bread:** Yes?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Sorry to break it to you Roy, but that man is your clone   
  
**Crouton:** Come on Dick have you watched a single sci-fi film ever??   
  
**Crouton:** Jim is older. That means ROY is the clone and Jim is the original   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Good god you’re right   
  
**Bagél:** does that mean roy is evil?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Absolutely   
  
**Crouton:** Goddammit Roy   
  
**Crouton:** You fuckin criminal

* * *

**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Monday, September 9** **  
****05:21 EST**

**Traci:** Someone diagnose me, does this paper cut look infected   
  
**Traci:** [image sent]   
  
**Garfield:** now I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t look like a paper cut to me   
  
**Garfield:** your forehead is like. gushing blood   
  
**Traci:** Well   
  
**Traci:** Technically it was a tree branch   
  
**Traci:** So...unborn paper   
  
**Garfield:** please call an adult   
  
**Garfield:** I’m just a punk kid I can’t help you   
  
**Garfield:** I once tried making ravioli and the microwave killed itself   
  
**Traci:** ‘Tis but a flesh wound   
  
**Traci:** Though I smell nail polish for some reason and also the world keeps tilting which doesn’t seem natural   
  
**Garfield:** how did you even get hit by a tree branch at 5 in the morning??   
  
**Traci:** I was sleepwalking   
  
**Traci:** Dreamt I was reenacting the Rewrite the Stars scene with Zendaya   
  
**Garfield:** how was it?   
  
**Traci:** Painful but exhilarating 

* * *

**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Monday, September 9** **  
****07:04 EST**

**Artemis:** What do I smell like?   
  
**Baywatch:** green apple shampoo and sunflower seeds, why?   
  
**Artemis:** No I mean like, when I’m all gross and sweaty what do I smell like   
  
**Baywatch:** like artemis   
  
**Artemis:** Is that good?   
  
**Baywatch:** I think it is   
  
**Baywatch:** why?   
  
**Artemis:** I’ve been jogging since 3am and lost track of time so now I don’t have time to shower before school   
  
**Baywatch:** is it kinky to say I definitely wouldn’t mind that?   
  
**Baywatch:** to quote bonnie from the ‘kim possible: so the drama’ movie,,,   
  
**Baywatch:** “I like it when you glisten”   
  
**Artemis:** Yeah we’re stopping that right now   
  
**Baywatch:** why were you up so early anyway?   
  
**Artemis:** Nothing   
  
**Artemis:** Just   
  
**Artemis:** My head gets kinda weird around this time of year   
  
**Baywatch:** flu season?   
  
**Artemis:** Anniversary of Jade leaving   
  
**Baywatch:** oh   
  
**Artemis:** Yep   
  
**Baywatch:** do you want to talk about it?   
  
**Artemis:** It’s fine   
  
**Baywatch:** it doesn’t sound fine   
  
**Artemis:** Yeah, well it is   
  
**Artemis:** After all she’s the one who left, right? She made her choice   
  
**Baywatch:** you’re still allowed to have feelings about it   
  
**Artemis:** I know   
  
**Artemis:** I’m just not in the mood to feel stuff right now   
  
**Artemis:** My way of coping revolves around ignoring my problems and exercising until I puke   
  
**Artemis:** So don’t worry about it   
  
**Baywatch:** are you going to be alright?   
  
**Baywatch:** I can get you a tasteful bouquet of pinecones if you want   
  
**Artemis:** Thanks, but I think I’m good   
  
**Artemis:** Just ignore my gross sweatiness at school today and we’ll be peachy   
  
**Baywatch:** if it helps, you could be covered in pig’s blood and I still wouldn’t care   
  
**Baywatch:** well   
  
**Baywatch:** I’d probably be a little concerned about whose pig you just killed   
  
**Baywatch:** but other than that   
  
**Baywatch:** we’re peachy   
  
**Artemis:** Thanks   
  
**Artemis:** I love you, see you at lunch   
  
**Baywatch:** love you too <3

* * *

**Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
****  
****Monday, September 9** **  
****16:16 EST**

**Conner:** why is there jelly in my jacket pocket???   
  
**Conner:** theres not even a jar its literally just the jelly   
  
**Megan:** Oh yeah, sorry about that   
  
**Conner:** you put jelly in my pocket???   
  
**Megan:** Yes I did   
  
**Conner:** why?????   
  
**Megan:** Well you see, I found a cockroach today and I needed somewhere to put him but all I had on me was a jar of strawberry jelly so I scooped the jelly out and put it in your pocket and then I put Cock in the jar along with some twigs and breadcrumbs   
  
**Dick:** I am BEGGING you to change that name

* * *

**Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
****  
****Wednesday, September 11** **  
****18:33 EST**

**Raquel:** Let’s play a game called “What Does Kaldur Think These Abbreviations Mean”   
  
**Zatanna:** that’s my FAVORITE game   
  
**Raquel:** I’ll go first   
  
**Raquel:** Hey Kal, what does ROTFL stand for?   
  
**Kaldur:** Rocks On The Facelift.   
  
**Zatanna:** what about lol?   
  
**Kaldur:** Large Onions, Linda.   
  
**Megan:** BRB   
  
**Kaldur:** Big Rhino Bash.   
  
**Dick:** Ttyl?   
  
**Kaldur:** Turkey Took Your Lungs.   
  
**Conner:** i knew it   
  
**Artemis:** Smh   
  
**Kaldur:** Squid Met Hog.   
  
**Dick:** Okay okay I’ve got a good one: ROTFLSHMSFOAIDMT   
  
**Kaldur:** Reward Our Terrific Friends the Lizards Some Ham. My Son Forgot Oklahoma And I Don’t Make Tortellinis.   
  
**Megan:** Wow 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (((No, I don’t know why the concept of someone having jelly in their pocket is the funniest shit ever to me iT JUST IS OKAY)))
> 
> Also 105 exclamation points were used in the making of this chapter. Yes I counted them.


	3. Chunky Milk Is My Favorite Beverage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis is struggling, the gang raids Area 51, and Roy comes home for the weekend.

**Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
****  
****Friday, September 13** **  
****09:38 EST**

**Raquel:** Why do grandmas always feel compelled to do the dot dot dots when they text?  
  
 **Raquel:** My grandma does it all the time and it weirds me out, like it’s so unnecessarily cryptic  
  
 **Raquel:** Someone please explain to me why the dot dot dot thing is such an integral part of boomer culture  
  
 **Kaldur:** What thing...I’m confused.  
  
 **Raquel:** Oh my god  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Saturday, September 14** **  
****02:33 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey **  
****  
****Artemis:** Are you still awake?  
  
 **Baywatch:** yep! been building a domino tower on my deck since noon and I think it’s almost fifteen feet high now  
  
 **Baywatch:** if there’s so much as a gentle breeze though I might actually cry  
  
 **Baywatch:** what’s up?  
  
 **Artemis:** Can I come over?  
  
 **Baywatch:** of course, is everything okay?  
  
 **Artemis:** Just need to get away from my dad for a while and Roy’s at college so I can’t go to his place and yeah  
  
 **Baywatch:** where are you? I’ll come get you  
  
 **Artemis:** It’s fine Wally I’ll take a bus  
  
 **Baywatch:** you sure?  
  
 **Artemis:** I could use the time to think anyway  
  
 **Artemis:** I’ll see you in fifteen  
  
 **Baywatch:** be careful okay?  
  
 **Baywatch:** and if you want to talk about anything, just remember I’m here  
  
 **Artemis:** Thanks  
  
 **Artemis:** But to be honest I don’t really want to talk about it at all, so don’t expect me to  
  
 **Artemis:** Just  
  
 **Artemis:** I don’t know  
  
 **Artemis:** Just don’t say anything and hold me for a while okay?  
  
 **Artemis:** That’s all I need  
  
 **Baywatch:** okay  
  
 **Baywatch:** I can do that  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
****  
****Sunday, September 15** **  
****11:46 EST**

**Megan:** Hey what are everyone’s college plans? I’m surprised we haven’t talked about this yet  
  
 **Megan:** Because I already plan on applying to as many colleges as I can that way I’ll have a lot of options, preferably in the state so I can stay close to my brother and uncle  
  
 **Raquel:** Ivy University is on the agenda for me. I’ve already started my application for early admission  
  
 **Artemis:** Wally and I are going to Stanford in the fall because we’re Cool People™  
  
 **Wally:** hell yeah we are  
  
 **Wally:** we’re gonna get a kickass apartment with a soda machine and a ball pit in the bedroom  
  
 **Artemis:** Also shag carpeting because Wally is clumsy and I don’t trust hardwood floors  
  
 **Dick:** Smart move  
  
 **Wally:** jeez, you get ONE concussion and suddenly you’re a klutz  
  
 **Dick:** *four concussions actually  
  
 **Wally:** did I ask for your input? no  
  
 **Dick:** It was a gift  
  
 **Kaldur:** I have my heart set on the Ivy Leagues, maybe Harvard or Yale.  
  
 **Zatanna:** my dream career is periwinkle from blue’s clues  
  
 **Zatanna:** that or professional cryptid who lives in the woods and gets paid in strawberries  
  
 **Artemis:** I respect that  
  
 **Dick:** What about you Kon? Any plans for the future?  
  
 **Conner:** totally  
  
 **Conner:** ive got tons of plans  
  
 **Conner:** oh would you look at that i have to go give my dog a bath now oh well  
  
 **Megan:** I thought you already bathed Wolf this morning?  
  
 **Conner:** i need to do it again  
  
 **Conner:** hes a gross dog  
  
 **Conner:** bye  
  
 **Conner Kent has left the conversation.** **  
****  
****Zatanna:** ding dong i smell angst  
  
 **Wally:** translation, megs?  
  
 **Megan:** Conner doesn’t know what he wants to do after graduation yet  
  
 **Megan:** But there’s an entire school year left so he still has plenty of time, he’ll figure it out eventually  
  
 **Dick:** You schmucks and your universities  
  
 **Dick:** As soon as I graduate I’m headed straight for the police academy like Die Hard  
  
 **Dick:** Gonna Beat Some Criminals Up  
  
 **Zatanna:** sweet, that means u can shoot bad guys  
  
 **Dick:** Nah guns are too scary for me  
  
 **Dick:** I’ll just throw ‘em like boomerangs and see what happens  
  
 **Artemis:** Will that even work?  
  
 **Dick:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Bread** **  
****  
****Sunday, September 15** **  
****21:03 EST**

**Rye Bread:** Someone is having a burping contest across the hall.  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** You should join in  
  
 **Rye Bread:** I would except one of them is winning by a huge margin and I’m just not ready for that kind of competition.  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Dang, good for him  
  
 **Rye Bread:** It’s a girl actually.  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** College really is a different world huh  
  
 **Rye Bread:** You have no idea.  
  
 **Rye Bread:** The dorms constantly smell like weed. I found a chocolate cupcake smeared on a wall in the shape of a dick yesterday. Every night a bunch of people stand in the parking lot outside my window and scream.  
  
 **Rye Bread:** I love it here.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Conner > Artemis** **  
****  
****Wednesday, September 18** **  
****08:31 EST**

**Conner:** are you okay dude?  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m fine  
  
 **Artemis:** Just tripped this morning and got knocked into a cabinet  
  
 **Conner:** you sure? that shiner must be pretty painful  
  
 **Artemis:** Do I look like the kind of person who doesn’t know what she’s talking about?  
  
 **Artemis:** I tripped  
  
 **Artemis:** That’s it, capiche?  
  
 **Conner:** ok  
  
 **Conner:** sorry  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Megan > Wally** **  
****  
****Wednesday, September 18** **  
****10:45 EST**

**Megan:** Is Artemis doing okay?  
  
 **Megan:** I tried getting her to open up during math about what happened, but she wouldn’t tell me anything  
  
 **Wally:** she won’t talk to me either  
  
 **Wally:** every time I try to bring it up she gets pissed and changes the subject  
  
 **Megan:** Do you know what happened?  
  
 **Wally:** I mean  
  
 **Wally:** I have a pretty bad feeling that I know what it is, but I hope I’m wrong  
  
 **Wally:** all I know is she was perfectly fine when I walked her home last night, and this morning she came to school with a black eye  
  
 **Wally:** it’s kind of easy to put the pieces together from there  
  
 **Megan:** But I thought it wasn’t this bad? At least  
  
 **Megan:** Not until now I guess  
  
 **Megan:** Like I knew her dad was a jerk and all, but I never imagined he would ever actually hurt her  
  
 **Wally:** I think it’s because of the anniversary of jade leaving and stuff, so it has them both more on edge than usual  
  
 **Megan:** What can we do?  
  
 **Wally:** I’ve tried talking her into leaving, but she doesn’t want to go into foster care and she won’t live with one of us because she doesn’t want to be a charity case  
  
 **Megan:** This is dangerous though, she needs to get out of that house before it gets worse  
  
 **Wally:** you think I don’t know that? it makes me nauseous just thinking about it, but if I call the police artemis will never forgive me  
  
 **Megan:** She’s turning eighteen soon right? Can’t she just move out?  
  
 **Wally:** she won’t tell anyone when her birthday is but I doubt it’s close  
  
 **Wally:** I think her plan is to just wait it out until we go to college  
  
 **Megan:** That’s still a long time to be abused  
  
 **Megan:** Even for someone as tough as Artemis  
  
 **Wally:** I know  
  
 **Wally:** I’ve been through this kind of shitshow before and I would never wish it on anyone  
  
 **Wally:** especially not on artemis  
  
 **Wally:** but I don’t know what else to do  
  
 **Megan:** We’ll figure it out  
  
 **Wally:** yeah  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Thursday, September 19** **  
****13:56 EST**

**Cassie:** If you were garbage what kind would you be  
  
 **Cassie:** I’ll go first I’m an old shoe  
  
 **Steph:** i’m the other shoe that the owner threw in the trash after losing you in a parking lot  
  
 **Tim:** I’m a möldy lemon rînd  
  
 **Ed:** Empty straw wrapper rolled into a snake during an uncomfortable family dinner at Chili’s  
  
 **Bart:** dirty diaper!!!  
  
 **Violet:** Toenail clippings that are several inches long and very sharp.  
  
 **Garfield:** mormon pamphlet  
  
 **Traci:** Banana peel!  
  
 **Jaime:** Chunks of milk spat into a napkin.  
  
 **Ed:** Dios mío I can TASTE that one  
  
  


* * *

 **  
****  
****Zatanna > Arty** **  
****  
****Thursday, September 19** **  
****18:12 EST**

**Zatanna:** ahoy!  
  
 **Zatanna:** hola  
  
 **Zatanna:** wassup  
  
 **Zatanna:** yo  
  
 **Zatanna:** howdy  
  
 **Zatanna:** i’ve got a quick question for ya  
  
 **Arty:** Okay **  
** **  
** **Zatanna:** how are u doing?  
  
 **Arty:** Perfect  
  
 **Zatanna:** okay because like  
  
 **Zatanna:** everyone is highkey concerned about u right now and we don’t really know what to do about it  
  
 **Arty:** That’s unfortunate  
  
 **Zatanna:** indeed it is  
  
 **Zatanna:** for real though, u know my door is always open right? if u ever need to get away for a few days or weeks or forever, i’ll be there for u  
  
 **Arty:** And I appreciate that  
  
 **Arty:** But I really am fine  
  
 **Arty:** I’m used to it  
  
 **Zatanna:** u shouldn’t have to be used to it  
  
 **Zatanna:** and i’m not going to do anything u don’t want me to do, but i really do wish u would let someone help  
  
 **Arty:** If I want help, I’ll ask for it  
  
 **Zatanna:** okay  
  
 **Zatanna:** do u at least want to sleep over tonight? 

**Zatanna:** we can eat popcorn balls and make tiktoks and not talk about anything important  
  
 **Arty:** If you bring up the black eye I’m leaving  
  
 **Zatanna:** no talking about the black eye, got it  
  
 **Arty:** Okay  
  
 **Arty:** ...Thanks  
  
 **Zatanna:** no problem <3  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
****  
****Friday, September 20** **  
****07:44 EST**

**Dick:** Who wants to come raid Area 51 with me  
  
 **Dick:** #They Can’t Stop Us All  
  
 **Zatanna:** i have to ask my mom first  
  
 **Dick:** Okay  
  
 **Zatanna:** hey kaldur can i raid area 51 with dick today  
  
 **Kaldur:** Will kids be drinking alcohol there?  
  
 **Zatanna:** no  
  
 **Kaldur:** Are you lying to me?  
  
 **Zatanna:** yes  
  
 **Kaldur:** You can’t go.  
  
 **Zatanna:** okay  
  
 **Zatanna:** sorry dick she said no  
  
 **Roy:** I always wanted to meet an alien. I’d ask them why they haven’t exterminated mankind yet. Like damn those martians are taking their sweet time with this, just murder all of humanity already come on fellas you can do it.  
  
 **Megan:** I always thought aliens would be polite  
  
 **Megan:** Like Bob Ross  
  
 **Raquel:** I’ll come raid Area 51 but I have to be home by curfew  
  
 **Raquel:** Gonna bring myself home an alien girlfriend  
  
 **Artemis:** Will snacks be provided for the trip?  
  
 **Dick:** Yes but only in the form of caprisuns and nerds rope  
  
 **Wally:** I’ll come, I always wanted to meet conner’s relatives  
  
 **Conner:** why do i have to be the alien?  
  
 **Wally:** why wouldn’t you be?  
  
 **Conner:** ………ok thats fair  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Roy > Kaldur** **  
****  
****Friday, September 20** **  
****15:29 EST**

**Roy:** Okay so my plane should be landing in an hour and Oliver said I can hitch a ride back with him Sunday night instead of Saturday, so we officially have an entire weekend to ourselves!  
  
 **Kaldur:** Wonderful, I have taken the liberty of making an itinerary so we can stay on schedule.  
  
 **Roy:** How practical.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Thank you.  
  
 **Kaldur:** From 5:00-5:45 is mandatory cuddling, although that can be stretched to 6:00 if you would like to include kissing. 6:25-7:30 is dinner, followed by 2.6 hours of miscellaneous activities such as walking, shopping, and/or stargazing.  
  
 **Roy:** What about bathroom breaks?  
  
 **Kaldur:** There is one from 6:09-6:14 and another between 10:34 and 10:39.  
  
 **Roy:** I missed you so much.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Friday, September 20** **  
****17:01 EST**

**Bart:** wrong answers only, someone explain to me how cereal works  
  
 **Traci:** Absorb the milk with a sponge and squeeze a drop onto each individual piece of cereal  
  
 **Tim:** bury a milk júg and a box of rice krispies nexț to each other in thę ground, then wait two to three hours for them to combine añd rise to the surface  
  
 **Ed:** Put everything in the microwave  
  
 **Steph:** get one bowl for the cereal, one for the milk, and another for the spoon. then alternate between eating all three  
  
 **Garfield:** throw it at the wall and whatever sticks you get to eat  
  
 **Cassie:** First pour the milk, then you add the cereal  
  
 **Bart:** okay now you’ve gone too far  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
****  
****Friday, September 20** **  
****18:53 EST**

**Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** We got sushi.  
  
 **Megan:** Hi Roy!! I didn’t know you were back in town!! I missed you  
  
 **Roy:** Megs I missed your ray of sunshine self so much and you’re an angel and I love you.  
  
 **Megan:** <3  
  
 **Kaldur:** He is only here for the weekend, but we’re making the most of it.  
  
 **Wally:** hehe u guys are gay  
  
 **Artemis:** Isn’t that cannibalism?  
  
 **Wally:** being gay? idk babe you and I are gay together all the time but I don’t think it counts as cannibalism unless there’s dinner involved  
  
 **Megan:** I still don’t get how you two can be gay together even though you’re technically in a straight relationship  
  
 **Artemis:** I meant the sushi part because Kaldur is on the swim team which makes him a fish obviously  
  
 **Wally:** well artemis is kinda gay and I’m also kinda gay and we’re in love so I think that counts as being gay for each other  
  
 **Dick:** Which sushi restaurant is it?  
  
 **Roy:** The one next to Build-A-Bear.  
  
 **Kaldur:** How am I a fish???  
  
 **Megan:** Hey Conner are you gay for me?  
  
 **Artemis:** You swim a lot and are therefore Fish Man  
  
 **Conner:** idk i love you and also gayness=love so by that logic i think we can be gay for each other. im not a scientist though  
  
 **Megan:** That makes sense  
  
 **Raquel:** Better question: if you eat Dick does that make it cannibalism or a porno  
  
 **Megan:** Hey Conner I’m gay for you  
  
 **Roy:** Kal will you divorce me if I start calling you my lil fish stick?  
  
 **Conner:** cannibalism  
  
 **Kaldur:** In a heartbeat.  
  
 **Wally:** porno  
  
 **Dick:** I’m at the sushi place now, order me some calamari will ya  
  
 **Conner:** cANNIBALISM  
  
 **Roy:** How the fuck did you get here so fast?????  
  
 **Wally:** pORNO  
  
 **Dick:** I have my ways  
  
 **Conner:** CANNIBALISM!!!  
  
 **Wally:** PORNO!!!!  
  
 **Zatanna:** donkey! :D **  
****  
****Kaldur:** This is the strangest conversation I have ever been a part of and I am ashamed to be here.  
  
 **Dick:** You’re welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> galaxy brain: put chunky milk in cereal and eat it all with a fork


	4. You Are Not More Emo Than A Fifth Grader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October begins, Conner ate a possum, and the gsa folks are even edgier than usual.

**Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
** **  
** **Monday, September 23** **  
** **09:09 EST**

**Dick:** HAPPY BI VISIBILITY DAY, FELLERS!!!!  
  
**Dick:** THE ONE DAY A YEAR WHEN I CAN NO LONGER SNEAK AROUND AND STEAL PEOPLE’S CAR KEYS BECAUSE MY INVISIBILITY POWERS ARE ON VACATION  
  
**Wally:** HELL YEAH BISEXUALITYYYYYYYYY  
  
**Artemis:** I feel bi as FUCK in this Chili’s  
  
**Kaldur:** What a day to be gay.  
  
**Wally:** g-g-g-g-gettin’ bi  
  
**Roy:** Man I miss having gay days in GSA, my bisexuality and I are all on our lonesome now that I’m back at ~~hell~~ I mean college.  
  
**Megan:** Your school doesn’t have a gay club?? That’s weird  
  
**Roy:** Well, technically it does.  
  
**Megan:** Oh! That’s good  
  
**Megan:** Why haven’t you joined then?  
  
**Roy:** Well.  
  
**Roy:** I mean.  
  
**Roy:** You know.  
  
**Megan:** ?  
  
**Roy:** Because like. You guys aren’t there. So...yeah.  
  
**Roy:** Just don’t make a big deal out of it okay.  
  
**Wally:** AWWWWWWWWWWWWW  
  
**Kaldur:** I never thought I’d see the day. :’)  
  
**Roy:** SHUT UP.  
  
**Dick:** ROY YOU SWEETHEART <3333  
  
**Artemis:** Roy Harper, known cynic and heartless emo LOVES us?? How precious  
  
**Roy:** NO I DON’T STOP IT.  
  
**Roy:** IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.  
  
**Dick:** Sorry bud, it’s bi visibility day and you’re bi which means we can see into your soul  
  
**Dick:** We know how much you love us in that vast heart of yours  
  
**Roy:** SLANDER. SLANDER AND LIES.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, September 25** **  
** **15:58 EST**

**Chamomile:** bath and body works????  
  
**Chamomile:** uh, yEAH, i sure hOPE IT DOES  
  
**Chamomile:** …hello?  
  
**Chamomile:** seriously?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, September 25** **  
** **16:21 EST**

**Zatanna:** bath and body works????  
  
**Zatanna:** uh, yEAH, i sure hOPE IT DOES  
  
**Artemis:** You really want this thing to take off huh  
  
**Zatanna:** yes because i require validation on my fantastic joke and am prepared to fight tooth and nail to get it  
  
**Artemis:** HahahahAHAHAHAHahahaha what a funny joke  
  
**Conner:** ha ha hahaha ha ha haha ha so silly ha  
  
**Raquel:** HahahahhaHAHAHAAHAHA  
  
**Wally:** HAHAHAHAHA THAT SURE IS A GOOD ONE YEP HAHAHHAHA  
  
**Zatanna:** nevermind this is creepy i take it back don’t validate me  
  
**Megan:** HEHEHEEHEHE WHAT A VERY FUNNY THING YOU SAID HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE  
  
**Dick:** _HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHH_ _  
_ _  
_ **Zatanna:** STOP IT U FREAKS _  
_ _  
  
_

* * *

  
  
**Dick > Conner** **  
** **  
** **Friday, September 27** **  
** **11:39 EST**

 **  
** **  
** **Dick:** Why??? Is english so fucked up???? Whose fault is this?????  
  
**Dick:** Like though doesn’t rhyme with cough or rough or through,,,  
  
**Dick:** Yet somehow bologna rhymes with pony??? And read doesn’t rhyme with lead but read rhymes with lead I mean what the FUCK is that  
  
**Dick:** Who is in charge here???? I demand to speak to the manager  
  
**Conner:** i agree that this language is incredibly fucked up and everything you just said broke my brain into a zillion fragments  
  
**Conner:** but im curious about why you chose me to complain about this to? dont get me wrong im honored but also pleasantly shocked  
  
**Dick:** Well I figured you get angry the easiest, so you would have a more satisfying reaction to my rant than the others would  
  
**Conner:** that makes sense  
  
**Conner:** though yknow ive actually been working on my anger a lot lately, trying to be a calmer person and all  
  
**Dick:** Good for you man, hell yeah working through shit. What are you doing, meditation or something?  
  
**Conner:** nah i just have siri tell me im doing a good job and that shes proud of me over and over again until i feel better  
  
**Dick:** Interesting strategy  
  
**Conner:** yeah my stepmom signed me up for therapy once, but instead of doing that i took a road trip with my dog and made friends with some homeless people  
  
**Conner:** we ate a possum together **  
** **  
** **Dick:** There really is never a dull moment with you huh  
  
**Conner:** never  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: The Mind Kink** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, October 1** **  
** **04:20 EST**

**Dick has renamed the group:** **_Halloweenies_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **Dick:** Starting spoopy scary skeleton month off right  
  
**Raquel:** Who are you calling a weenie, I’m super tuff  
  
**Dick:** Oh yeah?  
  
**Raquel:** YEAH  
  
**Dick:** How tuff are ya?  
  
**Raquel:** How tuff am I? How tuff am _I?_ This morning I ate a bowl of NAILS for breakfast  
  
**Dick:** So?  
  
**Raquel:** Without any MILK  
  
**Dick:** Hmmmm,,,  
  
**Dick:** Sorry Dwayne “The Raq” Johnson but my scanners detect Weenie Energy™ in your soul, now get your butt back to Weenie Hut Juniors  
  
**Megan:** Am I tough enough?  
  
**Dick:** Depends. Impress me  
  
**Megan:** Uh  
  
**Megan:** I went pspspspsp to a mouse yesterday and then I pet it and it didn’t bite me  
  
**Dick:** Hmmmmm  
  
**Dick:** Yup you’re tuff  
  
**Megan:** ＼(★^∀^★)／  
  
  


* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, October 2** **  
** **10:21 EST**

**Wally:** thank fuck FINALLY I’ve been waiting so long to die  
  
**Artemis:** Same, I hope the guy comes to my classroom first  
  
**Artemis:** Chop chop man no dillydallying  
  
**Zatanna:** i’m so glad i wore my fishnets today guys i’m gonna look so cute when i’m dead  
  
**Raquel:** I’M SO EXCITED TO GET MURDERED WOOHOO!  
  
**Roy:** Um.  
  
**Roy:** Am I missing something here?  
**  
** **Dick:** HECK YEAH TAKE ME AWAY ANGEL OF DEATHHHH I AM BUT A HUMBLE SERVANT WHO SEEKS LIBERATION FROM THESE FLESHY BONDS  
  
**Megan:** Hi Roy!

 **Megan:** We’re being assassinated  
  
**Kaldur:** Ignore them.  
  
**Kaldur:** The school is doing a routine lockdown drill and our friends are being weirdos about it.  
  
**Wally:** excuse you, I’ve been waiting years for this moment okay stop trying to ruin it for me  
  
**Raquel:** Thanks America for inventing rednecks and incels to release me from this mortal plane <3  
  
**Conner:** i volunteer to get shot first no takebacks  
  
**Artemis:** Bitch I will fight you, get to the back of the line dipfuck  
  
**Megan:** I always wanted to be on TV, this is finally my time to shine :)  
  
**Roy:** Y’all need therapy.  
  
**Dick:** Not our fault you’re not goth enough to fit in with us cool people  
  
**Roy:** Excuse you I am the gothiest person here. I INVENTED goth.  
  
**Artemis:** False, I am more goth than you will ever be  
  
**Megan:** I’m not goth but I’m still cute and that’s enough for me  
  
**Wally:** hell yeah megs you’re a sunshine goirl  
  
**Wally:** me on the other hand, I’m goth all the way  
  
**Artemis:** PFFFFTTHAHAHHAHAHAHA  
  
**Artemis:** hONEY  
  
**Artemis:** You are not goth in the slightest  
  
**Artemis:** I think I just burst a capillary from laughing so hard  
  
**Wally:** what are you talking about I’m TOTALLY goth  
  
**Wally:** I wear holes in my jeans  
  
**Dick:** Yeah but they’re not even done purposely, you just skin your knees a lot  
  
**Wally:** I’m wearing a black t-shirt and bracelets so HA  
  
**Megan:** Doesn’t that shirt have baby yoda on it?  
  
**Wally:** oh, so suddenly it’s a crime to want to support our green alien friends?? I see how it is  
  
**Dick:** Sorry Wally, but I dub thee Sunshine Boi until further notice. You are officially jected from the goth club  
  
**Wally:** exclusionist  
  
**Zatanna:** don’t worry walls, i’m a sunshine goirl so we can be happy sunshine people together  
  
**Conner:** im goth  
  
**Raquel:** Same, I have the rows of earrings to prove it  
  
**Dick:** My soul says goth but the mirror says sunshine boi  
  
**Kaldur:** I am more of a prep, to be honest.  
  
**Roy:** Yeah but we’re not talking about preps here, and therefore I think you belong in the goth category.  
  
**Kaldur:** Why? Not that I mind.  
  
**Roy:** You carry emo energy.  
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you so much.  
  
**Roy:** Also resting bitch face.  
  
**Kaldur:** It's designer.  
  
**Raquel:** So Meg, Wally, Zee, and Dick are all sunshines and the rest of us are goths  
  
**Raquel:** Can’t say I’m surprised  
  
**Artemis:** I think I smell a revolution coming fellas  
  
**Megan:** Me too  
  
**Artemis:** You thinking what I’m thinking?  
  
**Megan:** Heck yes  
  
**Conner:** what?  
  
**Artemis:** Stay tuned  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan Morse has created the chat:** **_Sunshine Bois And Goirls_ ** **_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **Wednesday, October 2** **  
** **10:32 EST**

**Megan Morse has added Wally West to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Megan Morse has added Zatanna Zatara to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Megan Morse has added Dick Grayson to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Megan:** Perfect :)  
  
**Megan:** We’ve been needing a positivity mansion for a while  
  
**Megan:** This is where we'll all be happy and sunshiney together :)  
  
**Zatanna:** my fish died last week  
  
**Megan:** That’s…...not positive……  
  
**Wally:** I have clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and am ambushed by crippling body dysphoria on a daily basis uwu *˚*(ꈍ ω ꈍ).₊̣̇.  
  
**Dick:** I suffer from major ptsd after watching both of my parents fall to their deaths when I was only eight years oldddddd *fortnite dances on a pole*  
  
**Megan:** STOP IT!!! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A POSITIVE SPACE!!!  
  
**Zatanna:** when taking into account how huge and infinite the universe is, not a single one of us will ever matter and our lives are as insignificant as .0000001% of a grain of sand, so when we die it won’t matter in the slightest and no one will remember any of us (◡‿◡✿)  
  
**Megan:** Bringing you all together like this was a mistake  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis Crock has created the chat:** **_Goth Squad_ ** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, October 2** **  
** **10:34 EST**

**Artemis Crock has added Conner Kent to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Artemis Crock has added Raquel Ervin to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Artemis Crock has added Kaldur Durham to the conversation.**

 **Artemis Crock has added Roy Harper to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Artemis:** Fuck yeah guys let’s be edgy together  
  
**Roy:** You know who has peak goth energy, weirdly enough? My psych professor.  
  
**Roy:** He’s British, smokes three cigarettes a class, only wears trench coats even when it’s 90 degrees outside, and supposedly he once put a curse on a kid because he didn’t like their Coldplay t-shirt.  
  
**Conner:** well damn  
  
**Roy:** Right?  
  
**Roy:** He’s my hero.  
  
**Roy:** And don’t even get me STARTED on his weird teaching assistant Gary.  
  
**Raquel:** Every time you talk about your university adventures I’m torn between wanting to go to college as soon as possible and feeling the need to run away as far as I can get  
  
**Roy:** That’s college for ya.  
  
**Conner:** hey who wants to see pictures of my dog?  
  
**Kaldur:** I do!  
  
**Conner:** [image sent]  
  
**Conner:** [image sent]  
  
**Conner:** [image sent]  
  
**Raquel:** Awwwww what a sweet baby  
  
**Artemis:** While I gotta admit Wolf is very cute, this is supposed to be Edgy Zone? So like. No more cuteness  
  
**Roy:** You are absolutely right Artemis.  
  
**Roy:** Anyways would anyone like to see my pet venus flytrap?  
  
**Raquel:** Very much so, yes  
  
**Roy:** [image sent]  
  
**Roy:** Her name is Vicki and she’s a bug murderer. <3  
  
**Roy:** [image sent]  
  
**Raquel:** What a beautiful lady!!!  
  
**Kaldur:** Such lovely smiles.  
  
**Artemis:** Hey now I created this chat to be a GOTH place and you are turning it into positivity central!!! I’m outraged!!!  
  
**Kaldur:** I have been growing mold on an old Cheeto for a month, would anyone like to see?  
  
**Roy:** YES YES YES SHOW US.  
  
**Conner:** !!!  
  
**Artemis:** Sigh  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Kon** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, October 3** **  
** **11:49 EST**

**Wally:** when you think about it, all cars transport blood  
  
**Kon:** how do i unsubscribe from you and your brain  
  
**Wally:** sorry buddy, you’ve got a lifetime membership :)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Artemis** **  
** **  
** **Friday, October 4** **  
** **15:30 EST**

**Dick:** Guess the password  
  
**Artemis:** For what?  
  
**Dick:** You have to guess the password to find out  
  
**Artemis:** Nah  
  
**Dick:** Come on, please?  
  
**Dick:** Guess guess guess  
  
**Artemis:** Fine  
  
**Artemis:** Is it “password”?  
  
**Dick:** Yep you got it right! :D  
  
**Artemis:** You’re just making that up  
  
**Dick:** Don’t care! Wanna know what your prize is?  
  
**Artemis:** I’m good  
  
**Dick:** Your prize is a free therapy session with your very concerned dickish friend who is super duper worried about you and your wellbeing wow what a great prize!!!  
  
**Artemis:** I have a game too, it’s called “mind your own business or I’m blocking you”  
  
**Dick:** Come on Mis, I’m being serious here  
  
**Dick:** If you knew I was being hurt, wouldn’t you want to get me out of that situation as soon as humanly possible?  
  
**Artemis:** That’s different  
  
**Dick:** I don’t really see how  
  
**Dick:** And you know Wally’s freaking out about this right? So is everyone else  
  
**Artemis:** So? I didn’t ask you guys to worry about me  
  
**Artemis:** It’s not even that bad  
  
**Dick:** Dude, I sat right next to you in gsa today. And even though the lighting sucks in there because it’s a literal basement, I still saw the bruises on your arm  
  
**Dick:** No one will think you’re any less badass just because you need help getting away from a fucked up situation  
  
**Artemis:** Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason I haven’t asked for anyone’s help is because I don’t actually need it?  
  
**Dick:** I think you do need it but you just don’t want to admit it  
  
**Dick:** You know there’s nothing wrong with opening up to us, right? It doesn’t make you weak  
  
**Artemis:** That’s fascinating  
  
**Artemis:** Oh would you look at the time, I need to go do literally anything that’s not this conversation  
  
**Dick:** Artemis come on  
  
**_Artemis Crock is now offline._ **  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, October 4** **  
** **18:04 EST**

**Bart:** just got diagnosed with cool guy syndrome today lmaoooo  
  
**Bart:** so now I take ~adderall~  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, October 6** **  
** **12:12 EST**

**Violet:** Why do Americans like football so much??  
  
**Violet:** I am in art class and everyone is talking about “the big game” last night, but I don’t understand why they are all so excited? It's just a sport, and it is not even very exciting.  
  
**Steph:** sadly i’m not into any sport that isn’t temple run, so your guess is as good as mine ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
**Bart:** yeahhh I’m too gay for sports, but I always assumed people like it for the same reason I once spent half an hour watching two caterpillars fight over a green bean  
  
**Violet:** Who won?  
  
**Bart:** a bird  
  
**Violet:** Oh no.  
  
**Cassie:** I think it’s because humans are naturally obsessed with violence, and watching sweaty guys tackle each other to the ground is the only legal way we get to enjoy it **  
****  
****Tim:** oǹe time my brother thrẻw a football at me and i crieď  
  
**Violet:** When I first moved here I was very excited to learn about American culture and McDonald’s, but the more I learn the less I want to be here.  
  
**Violet:** Like Columbus?? Was so mean?? Also the president is a horrible man yet I keep seeing hats about him.  
  
**Jaime:** Welcome to America, Violet, it’s like hell except we’ve got iCarly and french fries. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
**Bart:** well shit now I want french fries thANKs jaime  
  
**Cassie:** You had lunch less than an hour ago  
  
**Bart:** exactly  
  
**Bart:** nearly one whole hour  
  
**Bart:** I’m already dizzy  
  
**Ed:** Want a cupcake?  
  
**Bart:** wait really  
  
**Bart:** you’d better not be lying to me right now ed or I’ll cry  
  
**Ed:** My friend Virgil likes to bake a lot even though he tends to burn everything, so I’ve got Connections™  
  
**Bart:** oHMYGODCUPCAKECUPCAKECUPCAKECUPCAKECUPCAK  
  
**Ed:** If you can get out of class and meet me in the GSA room I’ll share with you  
  
**Bart:** HELL FUCKING YEAH OH MY GOSH  
  
**Bart:** you other guys are all canceled, my new pal eduardo is the only person in the whole world who gets my love now  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Prof. Constantine > Roy Harper** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, October 8** **  
** **01:53 EST**

**Prof. Constantine:** Oi mate, where the bloody FUCK is your homework  
  
**Roy:** It’s...two in the morning…?  
  
**Prof. Constantine:** Yeah? And? Sleep is reserved for those who are too weak to overcome their mind’s own limitations  
  
**Roy:** Wow.  
  
**Roy:** I want to be like you when I grow up.  
  
**Prof. Constantine:** Everyone does, kid  
  
**Prof. Constantine:** Now DO THE FUCKING HOMEWORK  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, October 8** **  
** **18:06 EST**

**Wally:** wanna have a sleepover tonight?  
  
**Wally:** not the r-rated kind with unsupervised shenanigans and hanky panky  
  
**Wally:** but the kind where we wear dragons onesies and order pizza and my aunt makes you sleep in the guest room where we’ll watch youtube videos until we fall asleep at 3am even though it’s a school night  
  
**Blondie:** What’s the occasion?  
  
**Wally:** do I need an occasion to want to spend time with my girlfriend?  
  
**Blondie:** Babe I know what you’re trying to do and as sweet as it is, how many times do I have to tell you that I’m fine before you guys all get off my back?  
  
**Wally:** to be fair, you don’t leave a guy with a lot of options you know  
  
**Blondie:** I can take care of myself  
  
**Wally:** that doesn’t mean you should have to  
  
**Wally:** why can’t we just report it? we’ll deal with whatever happens when it happens  
  
**Blondie:** Because we already KNOW what will happen. With my mom still in prison and Jade who-knows-where, I’ll get put into the foster system or something  
  
**Wally:** would that really be worse than getting hurt by your own father?  
  
**Blondie:** It will be when I have to move away to some other crappy town with a different school and all of you guys miles away  
  
**Wally:** you don’t know for sure that’s what will happen  
  
**Blondie:** Yeah well I'm not taking the chance  
  
**Wally:** what about dick? his dad is loaded, I’m sure they can help  
  
**Blondie:** And be Bruce Wayne’s brand new pity case? Hell no  
  
**Blondie:** Look, Wally  
  
**Blondie:** I know you just want to help, but trust that I’ve run through the options a million times  
  
**Blondie:** If dealing with this for just a few more months until I graduate is the only way that lets me stay at Happy Harbor and not be reduced to some sad damsel in distress, then that works for me  
  
**Blondie:** You need to learn how to be okay with that  
  
**Blondie:** The others too. Meg won’t stop sending me links to crisis hotlines and it stopped being cute a week ago  
  
**Wally:** but what if there’s another option?  
  
**Blondie:** There isn’t, but go ahead  
  
**Wally:** if I know somewhere you can stay where you won’t have to leave happy harbor and it won’t be charity, would you do it?  
  
**Blondie:** I guess, but I have to warn you that I already looked into it and I’m not very keen on the idea of living in a cardboard box  
  
**Wally:** give me a day to pull some strings, okay? that’s all I ask  
  
**Blondie:** Please don’t get your hopes up too much. I mean it  
  
**Wally:** sure  
  
**Blondie:** And as for the sleepover part…  
  
**Blondie:** I’ll bring the s’mores  
  
**Wally:** see you then   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ginger #2** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, October 8** **  
** **18:32 EST**

**Wally:** hey man, I need a favor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yes I added John Constantine because I'm a HOE and also I just like him idk)
> 
> Also I do the Siri thing too and I make her tell me I'm valid and that she's proud of me because I seek validation the way batkids seek angst.


	5. There Can Only Be One Velma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally finds a solution, Violet learns what a furry is, and the originals discuss Halloween costumes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut my own hair yesterday because nobody was around to tell me not to. I love college.

**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, October 10** **  
** **08:36 EST**

**Jaime:** I have a spelling bee today and it would be really cool if someone could come and support me by scaling the building outside the auditorium in a Mothman costume and t-posing at the audience through the window.   
  
**Traci:** I have been saving my mothman costume since 2015 for an opportunity like this   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Friday, October 11** **  
** **16:16 EST**

**Wally:** I have a present for you   
  
**Blondie:** A lock of Danny Devito’s hair? Babe you shouldn’t have   
  
**Wally:** even better   
  
**Wally:** [image sent]   
  
**Wally:** TA DAAAAAAA   
  
**Blondie:** ...   
  
**Blondie:** Oh boy, a picture of Roy’s house. You sure know how to make a girl feel special   
  
**Wally:** it’s your present   
  
**Blondie:** Pardon me?   
  
**Wally:** come on think about it, this is the perfect solution to your shitty home situation   
  
**Blondie:** You’ve officially lost me   
  
**Wally:** roy’s at college for the next four years so it’s not like he’s using it these days. there’s no reason why you can’t live there until we move to stanford   
  
**Blondie:** Wally are you insane? I’m not living in the damn pool house behind Oliver Queen’s mansion   
  
**Wally:** why not? there’s two bedrooms so it’s not like it’ll be super crowded whenever roy is home for breaks and stuff, plus he got the place exterminated in august so the termite infestation is gone   
  
**Blondie:** Did you even check to make sure Roy is okay with this?   
  
**Wally:** already asked and he said it’s totally cool! I’ve got screenshots if you want proof   
  
**Blondie:** I still can’t just live there, what about Oliver?   
  
**Wally:** thought of that too and I had roy ask yesterday. he filled ollie in on what’s been going on with your dad and he has no problem with you crashing there   
  
**Wally:** after all it’s technically roy’s property anyway, so if roy says it’s cool then There Ya Go   
  
**Wally:** trust me, I’ve thought every part of this through to the max. it’ll let you stay close to the school and the rest of us, while still getting you far away from your asshole father. everyone wins!    
  
**Wally:** except him   
  
**Wally:** so? what do you think?   
  
**Blondie:** I already told you that I didn’t want to be part of anyone’s charity project   
  
**Wally:** which is exactly why this isn’t charity. if you didn’t live there, the place would just sit empty for months at a time. plus if you really want to feel like you’re earning your keep or whatever, you can always water roy’s cactus   
  
**Blondie:** What about my dad?   
  
**Wally:** we can move you out on a day when he’s at work or something. it’ll be like you vanished into thin air and odds are he’s going to know exactly why you left anyway. besides, he can choke for all I care   
  
**Blondie:** I still don’t know   
  
**Blondie:** Maybe it would be better if I just stuck it out until graduation   
  
**Wally:** artemis   
  
**Wally:** come on   
  
**Wally:** you KNOW this is the best option and most importantly, it’ll keep you safe. don’t you want to be able to walk around your own house without being terrified that something’s constantly lurking in the shadows waiting to hurt you?   
  
**Blondie:** You’re making it sound like I’m some kind of victim   
  
**Wally:** no way, anyone who’s ever met you knows you could kick their ass in ten seconds flat   
  
**Wally:** but what would you do if someone YOU cared about was being abused and you knew there was something you could do to stop it? what if it was zatanna or kaldur or me who was being hurt? wouldn’t you want to do something about it?   
  
**Blondie:** That’s different. You don’t deserve to be hurt   
  
**Wally:** and you do?   
  
**Wally:** look. I know you think you deserve to live this way because of what happened with jade, but I’m not going to let you keep punishing yourself for something that isn’t your fault   
  
**Wally:** you need to get out of that house and away from your dad   
  
**Wally:** you deserve to be safe   
  
**Wally:** and look at the bright side, you’ll have your own place now and won’t even have to pay rent    
  
**Wally:** so what do you say?    
  
**Blondie:** I still think this is crazy   
  
**Wally:** uh huh   
  
**Blondie:** And I can’t say I’m ecstatic about the idea of living under what’s technically Roy Harper’s roof for the rest of the school year   
  
**Wally:** understandable   
  
**Blondie:** But...okay   
  
**Blondie:** I’ll give it a shot   
  
**Wally:** really?   
  
**Blondie:** Really   
  
**Wally:** oh my god thank you thank you THANK YOU   
  
**Wally:** I’ll help you move in this weekend okay?    
  
**Blondie:** Okay   
  
**Blondie:** And...Wally?    
  
**Wally:** yeah?   
  
**Blondie:** Thanks   
  
**Blondie:** I mean it   
  
**Wally:** no problemo babe   
  
**Wally:** I’ve got your back   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, October 11** **  
** **18:15 EST**

**Tim:** on all levels except physical, I am a duck   
  
**Garfield:** explain   
  
**Tim:** Exhibit A: my ideal defense mechanism involves violently quacking at strangers until they leave me alone   
  
**Tim:** Exhibit B: i was born with Ügly genes and am therefore That Duckling   
  
**Steph:** you were born with pretty genes but go off i guess   
  
**Tim:** Exhibit C: I am the Most Dangerõus Bird   
  
**Jaime:** ???   
  
**Jaime:** I don’t know who the fuck told you ducks were the most dangerous birds, but you’ve been lied to.   
  
**Tim:** Exhibit D: duċks and i both have bills   
  
**Bart:** no you don’t?   
  
**Tim:** I meant the monęy kind   
  
**Bart:** oh   
  
**Bart:** in that case yeah, you’re a duck buddy   
  
**Tim:** indēed   
  
**Cassie:** You’re no good duck!   
  
**Steph:** you’ll never be shit!   
  
**Cassie:** You’re just! like! ya father!   
  
**Tim:** quack   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, October 11** **  
** **20:27 EST**

**Traci:** Wait a minute, if Tim is a duck does that mean he’s a furry??   
  
**Garfield:** YES   
  
**Ed:** NO   
  
**Bart:** hehe tim you fuckin FURRY   
  
**Cassie:** NO HE’S NOT   
  
**Steph:** YES HE IS!!   
  
**Jaime:** NO HE’S NOT BECAUSE THE BIRD VERSION OF A FURRY IS ACTUALLY CALLED A FEATHERY, THEREFORE OUR TIM DRAKE IS A FEATHERY GOODNIGHT.   
  
**Bart:** hehe tim you fuckin  _ FEATHERY _   
  
**Tim:** …...i no longer identify as a duck   
  
**Violet:** Sorry, but what is a furry?   
  
**Garfield:** NOBODY TELL THEM   
  
**Violet:** Why not? Is it something bad?   
  
**Bart:** well ya see violet,,,   
  
**Garfield:** NO!! DO NOT CORRUPT THEIR INNOCENCE!!    
  
**Tim:** If you really want to know Vi you can always google it   
  
**Garfield:** Timothy you gremlin   
  
**Tim:** thank you   
  
**Cassie:** Well, Violet? What’s the verdict?   
  
**Violet:** ……   
  
**Violet:** I regret what I have learned.    
  
**Garfield:** I’m so s orry,,,,, I tried to st op them,,,,,   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Dick** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, October 13** **  
** **05:57 EST**

**Kaldur:** Let’s say, hypothetically, that I was stuck up on a branch of the pine tree in my backyard.    
  
**Kaldur:** How would a person such as myself be alleviated from this troublesome situation?   
  
**Dick:** I   
  
**Dick:** You   
  
**Dick:** What?   
  
**Kaldur:** Hypothetically,   
  
**Kaldur:** I am stuck in a tree.    
  
**Dick:** Yeah, no uh, I got that part   
  
**Kaldur:** How do I get down?   
  
**Dick:** How did you get UP?   
  
**Kaldur:** I climbed it. Obviously.   
  
**Dick:** Why??????   
  
**Kaldur:** A squirrel stole my sandal while I was doing my 3AM yoga and it ran up this tree so I followed it, but the squirrel dropped the sandal and hopped onto the branch of another tree, leaving me stranded up here next to a hawk’s nest.    
  
**Kaldur:** Hypothetically, of course.    
  
**Dick:** What the fuck   
  
**Dick:** I don’t   
  
**Dick:** What?    
  
**Dick:** Why?   
  
**Dick:** WhYYY??   
  
**Kaldur:** You are not being very helpful right now. I was hoping you would be more adept at handling this kind of situation.   
  
**Dick:** I’m sorry but this so much bizarre information for my brain to process that my consciousness physically can’t handle it   
  
**Kaldur:** Should I jump? I don’t want to break my legs.    
  
**Dick:** How far up are you??   
  
**Kaldur:** Not very high.    
  
**Kaldur:** Thirty-five feet, give or take.    
  
**Dick:** Are you KIDDING ME??? HOw????? WhaT????    
  
**Kaldur:** So...I shouldn’t jump?    
  
**Dick:** NO, NO YOU SHOULD NOT   
  
**Dick:** Jesus goodness hecking FUCK, Kal   
  
**Kaldur:** If it is any consolation, I am quite fine up here. A spider crawled up my pant leg earlier which was uncomfortable, but I caught it and fed it to one of the baby hawks in the nest.    
  
**Kaldur:** My only concern is that the babies’ mother will return soon to find this teenage delinquent playing with her children and she will kill me.   
  
**Dick:** Oh my fucking god don’t move, I’ll be there in a couple minutes   
  
**Kaldur:** Oh, that’s good. Could you please bring a ladder with you?    
  
**Kaldur:** And a sandwich too, if you wouldn’t mind? I have been up here for hours and the beetle I ate was not very filling.    
  
**Dick:** Holy fucking shit balls damn heck   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Kal** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, October 13** **  
** **06:12 EST**

**Zatanna:** are those police sirens coming from ur house?   
  
**Kal:** No, don’t worry about it.    
  
**Zatanna:** ……...kay   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
** **  
** **Monday, October 14** **  
** **08:21 EST**

**Megan:** Dick, how come Mr. Smith is wearing a pumpkin on his head?   
  
**Dick:** Why do you immediately assume it’s my fault??   
  
**Megan:** So this wasn’t you?   
  
**Dick:** No no it definitely was   
  
**Dick:** Tornado and I made a bet and he lost, so his punishment is wearing a pumpkin on his head to school every day until Halloween is over   
  
**Wally:** what was the bet?   
  
**Dick:** That I couldn’t cross an entire hallway vertically without touching the ground   
  
**Megan:** How did you do it?   
  
**Dick:** Conner chucked me like a football   
  
**Wally:** ouch   
  
**Wally:** (I would very much like a video of that please)   
  
**Zatanna:** don’t worry walls i gotchu   
  
**Zatanna:** it was amazing   
  
**Conner:** yeah it was really fun until he slammed into a locker and got knocked out   
  
**Dick:** Need I remind you that I only lost three teeth, so I count that as a win in my book   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
** **  
** **Monday, October 14** **  
** **23:59 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey  
  
**Baywatch:** hi  
  
**Artemis:** I never really thanked you for what you did the other day  
  
**Artemis:** Helping me get away from my dad and all  
  
**Artemis:** I mean I did thank you, but not like. Not enough  
  
**Baywatch:** and you don’t need to  
  
**Baywatch:** just knowing that you’re okay is enough for me  
  
**Artemis:** Yeah but I think that’s exactly why I need to thank you  
  
**Artemis:** Because this whole time I’d just figured that I would be able to stay there and no one would fight me on it, yet you did  
  
**Baywatch:** to be fair, I fight you on a lot of stuff  
  
**Artemis:** But this time it wasn’t just for the sake of fighting  
  
**Artemis:** And I didn’t really know what to think about that  
  
**Artemis:** The others too, like it boggled my brain when they wouldn’t stop caring about it because I’d assumed they would have gotten over the whole issue and moved on in a day or so  
  
**Artemis:** But none of you did  
  
**Baywatch:** well of course we didn’t  
  
**Baywatch:** family sticks together and all that  
  
**Artemis:** I know  
  
**Artemis:** That part’s still taking some getting used to I guess  
  
**Artemis:** My sister once stabbed me in the knee with a pen because I had more chicken nuggets than she did, so I’m not too used to all this...I don’t know. Unconditional love and affection shit  
  
**Baywatch:** if it helps, I sort of know how you feel?  
  
**Baywatch:** not exactly the same of course, but  
  
**Baywatch:** when I first started living with barry and iris, it took like a year for me to stop expecting the worst and stop hearing my dad’s voice in my head all the time, telling me that I was a worthless piece of shit every time I made a mistake  
  
**Baywatch:** but it does get better. I met dick and roy and the rest of you guys, and life is good now  
  
**Baywatch:** I still get it though. and I wish there was someone who knew what I was going through back then who could have told me that it’s okay to let the people who love you help you out when you need it  
  
**Baywatch:** that even when the whole world makes you think so, you’re NOT worthless and you DON'T deserve to be hurt  
  
**Baywatch:** …...you still there? you haven’t said anything in awhile  
  
**Artemis:** Yeah  
  
**Artemis:** Yeah, just  
  
**Artemis:** We’re a really fucking screwed up pair aren’t we  
  
**Baywatch:** yeahhh pretty much  
  
**Baywatch:** but you know what they say  
  
**Baywatch:** the most beautiful things are made up of broken pieces  
  
**Artemis:** That was the single cheesiest thing anyone has ever said to me and I want a refund  
  
**Baywatch:** sorry babe, my love has no receipts ;)  
  
**Baywatch:** for real, though. are you going to be okay?  
  
**Artemis:** Yeah  
  
**Artemis:** I think I will be  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Cassandra Sandsmark has created the chat:** **_Core Four_ ** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, October 16** **  
** **14:12 EST**

**Cassandra Sandsmark has added Bart Allen to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Cassandra Sandsmark has added Tim Drake to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Bart:** ooooh new turf   
  
**Cassandra has set their nickname to** **_Casserole._ ** **  
** **  
** **Casserole:** I figured we’d need a groupchat of our own eventually   
  
**Tim:** Nøice   
  
**Tim has set their nickname to** **_Timber._ ** **  
** **  
** **Timber:** much better   
  
**Bart has set their nickname to** **_Bartemis._ ** **  
** **  
** **Bartemis:** greetings fellow goblins let’s fucking party **  
** **  
** **Timber:** Ŵait why is ĭt core four?   
  
**Casserole:** Because it rhymes   
  
**Bartemis:** but there are only 3 of us   
  
**Casserole:** Nothing rhymes with three though so I had to work with what I had   
  
**Timber:** uh, tree?   
  
**Bartemis:** flea   
  
**Timber:** Pee   
  
**Bartemis:** bourgeoisie   
  
**Timber:** hǝpatitis b   
  
**Bartemis:** hepatitis c   
  
**Timber:** hepatitis d   
  
**Bartemis:** hepatitis e   
  
**Casserole:** Are you two done?   
  
**Bartemis:** never   
  
**Timber has added Conner Kent to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Bartemis:** woohoo we’ve got four now boys!! I feel so much better   
  
**Conner:** why   
  
**Timber:** i rolleɗ some dice and your ñame came up so now you’rë here   
  
**Timber:** congråtulations!!!   
  
**Casserole:** How do we know if he’s worthy to be here among us Kool Kids tho?   
  
**Bartemis:** hmmm good point   
  
**Bartemis:** hey conner what’s your stance on strawberry milk?   
  
**Conner:** its good   
  
**Bartemis:** okay you can stay   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
****  
****Friday, October 18** **  
****10:25 EST** **  
****  
****Zatanna:** hey weens, what’s everyone going as for halloween?  
  
**Raquel:** Actually I’m not planning on dressing up this year. Just feels like I’m a little too old for it, you know?  
  
**Dick:** Are   
  
**Dick:** Are you serious?  
  
**Raquel:** Of course not, I’m going as the bride of Bulbasaur  
  
**Zatanna:** oh thank god, u had me worried for a second there  
  
**Zatanna:** i’m going as doris from shrek   
  
**Dick:** I’m gonna be a velociraptor nun  
  
**Wally:** artemis and I are going as teletubbies  
  
**Artemis:** _Exsqueeze me???_  
  
**Wally:** yes, remember? I asked you yesterday and you said yes  
  
**Artemis:** No, you asked me in the middle of Costco if I wanted to be a teletubby with you and I told you that idea was fucking stupid, then we argued about it for a while until you got distracted by a Star Wars bobblehead and that was the end of the conversation   
  
**Wally:** yeah  
  
**Wally:** so I won  
  
**Artemis:** I can’t even explain to you how much I’m not dressing up like a teletubby for Halloween  
  
**Wally:** what if I let you be the green one tho  
  
**Artemis:** No  
  
**Wally:** I’ll share 10% of my candy with you?  
  
**Artemis:** No  
  
**Wally:** 11%  
  
**Artemis:** No   
  
**Wally:** okay okay you make some valid points, but consider this:  
  
**Wally:** I am simply too cute to disappoint  
  
**Dick:** Gosh darn Artemis he’s right you have to do it now  
  
**Artemis:** Don’t encourage him  
  
**Artemis:** And you know, Wally, I personally think you would make a really hot Peter Quill  
  
**Artemis:** Just sayin   
  
**Wally:** awwww :)  
  
**Wally:** too bad I want to be a teletubby instead :)  
  
**Artemis:** Goddammit  
  
**Artemis:** Well I tried  
  
**Kaldur:** Tula, Garth and I are all going as elements from the periodic table and I get to be potassium, which is CLEARLY the best of the 118.  
  
**Zatanna:** kaldur, please never change  
  
**Zatanna:** megan and conner, what about u guys? any halloween plans?  
  
**Megan:** Sort of. We’ve been arguing for days over this actually because SOMEONE doesn’t know how Halloween costumes work  
  
**Conner:** shes bullying me guys  
  
**Megan:** I wouldn’t have to bully you if you would stop being crazy!!  
  
**Conner:** im gonna file a lawsuit  
  
**Artemis:** Ooh gossip, someone tell me what’s heppening  
  
**Wally:** heppening  
  
**Artemis:** Zip it tinky winky  
  
**Wally:** excuse you, the yellow one’s name is laa-laa actually you teletubby hater  
  
**Megan:** I thought it would be cute to do a Scooby Doo couples costume this year, with me as Velma  
  
**Raquel:** That’s super cute!  
  
**Megan:** Exactly! But Conner has other ideas  
  
**Conner:** youre overreacting  
  
**Megan:** Show them your costume, Conner  
  
**Conner:** [image sent]  
  
**Wally:** GHJKJH  
  
**Conner:** see? its a great costume  
  
**Dick:** Sdfghjkkjhg oh my gOD Conner  
  
**Conner:** i dont see whats wrong with this  
  
**Megan:** BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE VELMA!!! I’M VELMA!!!  
  
**Conner:** oh why, because im a man? hm? is that it? how progressive of you megan  
  
**Megan:** No, because you’re over six feet tall and can benchlift a car!! How is that anything like Velma??  
  
**Conner:** im butch velma™  
  
**Artemis:** Kon why can’t you just be Scooby? That could still be fun  
  
**Conner:** wolf is scooby  
  
**Megan:** Which is WHY it makes more sense for you to be Shaggy  
  
**Conner:** i like velma though  
  
**Megan:** There can’t be two Velmas!!!  
  
**Conner:** not with that attitude there cant  
  
**Zatanna:** oh my fucking god fghjklj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: "I'd say my fursona is velociraptor nun, what's yours?"
> 
> My date, stuffing breadsticks into their purse so they can run as far away from this conversation as possible:


	6. Days Since Last Explosion: 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally's bones get Thanos-snapped, the freshmen learn what rainbows smell like, and something explodes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yes I do indeed plan on calling everyone in the Young Just Ass chat the freshmen forever even though most of them are sophomores now.)
> 
> Also, because it's pertinent in this chapter: 
> 
> Duckboy=Tim  
> Sk8er Boi Reyes=Jaime  
> Gar Gar Binks=Garfield  
> Switchblade Lesbian=Cassie  
> Eduardo Dorito=Ed

**Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
****  
****Monday, October 21** **  
****18:32 EST**

**Wally:** here’s a trivia question: what does my right arm have in common with thanos’ billions of victims?  
  
 **Conner:** i dont know what?  
  
 **Wally:** they all got SNAPPED  
  
 **Wally:** anyways hi, broke my arm fellas. feeling great  
  
 **Megan:** Oh my gosh are you okay??  
  
 **Wally:** don’t you worry your fragile little head megatron I’m fine and dandy  
  
 **Wally:** I drink a lot of chocolate milk so I’ve got strong bones  
  
 **Artemis:** He’s on painkillers, he’ll be fine  
  
 **Wally:** damn heccing right I’m fine  
  
 **Kaldur:** What happened?  
  
 **Wally:** I was being too awesome and my bones paid the price  
  
 **Artemis:** He was helping me settle in at the new place and thought it would be a good idea to grease the kitchen floor with butter and slide across it in heelys  
  
 **Conner:** ouch  
  
 **Artemis:** Yup  
  
 **Artemis:** I called Barry to drive us to the hospital, the doctors gave him a cast, and now we’re back at Wally’s house  
  
 **Wally:** wanted to do the full bullpen,,,  
  
 **Dick:** That sounds so rad, please tell me you got video  
  
 **Artemis:** I did don’t worry  
  
 **Artemis:** It was actually really impressive until he slid face-first into the fridge  
  
 **Zatanna:** hey wally did u cry when your arm snapped like a glow stick?  
  
 **Wally:** NO  
  
 **Wally:** I’m a tough guy  
  
 **Artemis:** Yup he’s right, he didn’t cry at all he was very brave  
  
 **Wally:** thank you my supportive wife  
  
 **Dick:** (It’s okay Artemis you can dm me later to tell me how much he cried)  
  
 **Artemis:** (I deadass thought he was gonna die of dehydration for a minute there)  
  
 **Megan:** Does it hurt?  
  
 **Wally:** nah they gave me a ton of painkillers before they set the bones back in place  
  
 **Wally:** which was AWESOME by the way, it sounded like rice krispies. also arty held my hand and I felt loved  
  
 **Dick:** No offense Walls, but this injury is definitely karma for yesterday when I stopped to tie my shoe and you just kept walking and abandoned me like a slutwhore  
  
 **Wally:** I WAS LATE FOR CLASS  
  
 **Dick:** OHANA MEANS FAMILY!!! FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND!!!!  
  
 **Raquel:** How long are you going to be stuck in the cast for?  
  
 **Wally:** the doctor said six weeks, but it’s itchy so I’m hoping they'll let me off with 48 hours  
  
 **Raquel:** That’s the spirit  
  
 **Artemis:** Now Wally and I are playing Mario Kart in his basement and I’m winning  
  
 **Wally:** that's because I only have one arm!  
  
 **Artemis:** True champions don’t need arms to succeed  
  
 **Dick:** Hey Walls I found a Sharpie, I’m gonna come over and sign your cast okay  
  
 **Wally:** hell yeah dude make me a picasso  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
****  
****Monday, October 21** **  
****19:05 EST**

**Wally:** HE DREW A DICK ON MY CAST  
  
 **Dick:** You fool that’s my signature  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
****  
****Tuesday, October 22** **  
****14:48 EST**

**Chamomile:** [image sent]  
  
 **Chamomile:** check it out ladies, i found a ratty old couch at the dump so i took the cushions home and built a fort!  
  
 **Lemonade:** Why?  
  
 **Chamomile:** idk  
  
 **Chamomile:** felt manic™ today  
  
 **Chamomile:** it smells a little gross in here, but my gerbil likes it so at least there’s that  
  
 **Hot Chocolate:** THAT WAS MY COUCH  
  
 **Hot Chocolate:** MY CAT PEED ON IT SO WE THREW IT AWAY  
  
 **Chamomile:** ooooh backstory  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Duckboy** **  
****  
****Wednesday, October 23** **  
****12:24 EST**

**Bart:** VIBE CHECK!  
  
 **Duckboy:** whät?  
  
 **Bart:** IMPRESS ME WITH YOUR VIBES IN ORDER TO PASS THE VIBE CHECK  
  
 **Duckboy:** Uhhhh  
  
 **Duckboy:** I’m married to an oñion  
  
 **Bart:** YOU PASSED!!!  
  
 **Duckboy:** well zoinks  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Sk8er Boi Reyes** **  
****  
****Wednesday, October 23** **  
****12:29 EST**

**Bart:** VIBE CHECK!  
  
 **Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Jeffrey Eipstein didn’t kill himself.  
  
 **Bart:** hmmmmmmm  
  
 **Bart:** YOU FAILED!!!!  
  
 **Sk8er Boi Reyes:** Dang it.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Gar Gar Binks** **  
****  
****Wednesday, October 23** **  
****12:34 EST**

**Bart:** VIBE CHECK!  
  
 **Gar Gar Binks:** um  
  
 **Gar Gar Binks:** roo doo doot da doo  
  
 **Bart:** calculating………  
  
 **Bart:** YOU PASSED THE VIBE CHECK!!!!  
  
 **Gar Gar Binks:** cool  
  
 **Gar Gar Binks:** hey is my name still Gar Gar Binks in your phone  
  
 **Bart:** nope  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Switchblade Lesbian** **  
****  
****Wednesday, October 23** **  
****12:44 EST**

**Bart:** VIBE CHECK!  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Joke’s on you, I keep an Uno reverse card on me at all times  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** VIBE CHECK BITCH  
  
 **Bart:** oh no  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** YOU HAVE FAILED THE VIBE CHECK!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Eduardo Dorito** **  
****  
****Wednesday, October 23** **  
****12:40 EST**

**Bart:** VIBE CHECK!

 **Eduardo Dorito:** Uhh I speak spanish?  
  
 **Bart:** …………  
  
 **Bart:** YOU PASSED  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Demonios sí  
  
 **Bart:** no idea what you’re saying but I Dig It  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Tienes lindos ojos  
  
 **Bart:** and a buenos nachos to you too  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Dickhead** **  
****  
****Friday, October 25** **  
****16:57 EST**

**Artemis:** Conner is a very interesting person and I don’t think we as a society appreciate him nearly enough  
  
 **Dickhead:** What did he do this time?  
  
 **Artemis:** The tail light on my bike was busted so I asked Conner if he could help me out since he’s good at that mechanical stuff, and when I asked how much he’d charge he said I could just pay him in four pounds of raw meat  
  
 **Dickhead:** Wow  
  
 **Dickhead:** You know what actually, I shouldn’t even be surprised. Yesterday I watched him throw away a banana and eat just the peel  
  
 **Artemis:** Sdfghjkl  
  
 **Artemis:** “They’re rich in amino acids and potassium” he just said  
  
 **Dickhead:** You’re still with him?  
  
 **Artemis:** He’s working on the bike and my job is to stand across the room and toss cubes of cheese into his mouth every few minutes  
  
 **Dickhead:** What kind of cheese?  
  
 **Artemis:** I dunno but it’s the moldiest I've ever seen  
  
 **Dickhead:** Ask him what the raw meat is for  
  
 **Artemis:** Okay  
  
 **Artemis:** He said he likes to feed the fish?? I don’t know what that means  
  
 **Dickhead:** Hey Conner what fish are you feeding  
  
 **Artemis:** Apparently he found a baby shark at the beach and goes to feed it at midnight during the full moon  
  
 **Artemis:** He wants it to turn into a giant mutant shark  
  
 **Dickhead:** We really don’t deserve Conner Kent  
  
 **Artemis:** That’s what I’m saying dude!!!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
****  
****Saturday, October 26** **  
****10:41 EST**

**Wally:** dick and I have a FANTASTIC idea for after school on wednesday, who wants in  
  
 **Raquel:** Me!!!  
  
 **Artemis:** You don’t even know what it is yet  
  
 **Raquel:** Come on Art, like you’re not going to go along with the shenanigan regardless of what it is  
  
 **Raquel:** We’re like a wolf pack. Everyone follows the weirdos on instinct  
  
 **Dick:** Awww did you hear that Wally? She called us weirdos <3  
  
 **Zatanna:** i’m sorry rocky but did u just make shenanigans singular  
  
 **Raquel:** Yes I did and I don’t regret it  
  
 **Zatanna:** thank u for ur honesty  
  
 **Roy:** What are you miscreants dragging us into this time?  
  
 **Wally:** yiiikes this is awkward  
  
 **Dick:** Yeahhh sorry Royboy  
  
 **Roy:** What?  
  
 **Wally:** unfortunately dude, this particular act of teen adventure doesn't really involve you since you kinda live several hundred miles away nowadays  
  
 **Wally:** sorry  
  
 **Roy:** Wow. So this is what it feels like to have your heart ripped in half.  
  
 **Roy:** It stings.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Don’t worry Roy, I will send you video footage of whatever illegal activity these two are undoubtedly dragging us into that way you can feel included.  
  
 **Conner:** oh  
  
 **Conner:** my god  
  
 **Megan:** I never thought I’d live to see the day  
  
 **Kaldur:** What?  
  
 **Dick:** Holy SHIT  
  
 **Dick:** Did Kaldur just blindly agree to do teenage adventure with us???  
  
 **Wally:** WITHOUT asking for details or lecturing on the importance of responsibility???  
  
 **Artemis:** WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR BELOVED KALDUR  
  
 **Kaldur:** What are you talking about? I do stupid things with you people all the time.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Remember when we broke into that abandoned warehouse two years ago to play mini-golf? Or when we all built a tribe of evil snowmen to surround Madison’s car after she was rude to Megan last January?  
  
 **Wally:** well yeah, but you always gripe about how much we shouldn’t be doing what we’re doing and then help us do the thing anyway  
  
 **Zatanna:** exactly. u pretend to be responsible for the sake of plausible deniability and then go and be a chaos gremlin just like the rest of us  
  
 **Kaldur:** Wow. And this entire time I thought I was being subtle.  
  
 **Kaldur:** But if you all must know, I have decided to throw caution to the wind and embrace rebellion for a while. I plan to run for student body president this November, and the only way to get votes is by relating to my fellow teenagers.  
  
 **Roy:** Hell yeah that means I get to be the First Lady of my old high school.  
  
 **Roy:** It's every college student's dream.  
  
 **Kaldur:** My first order of business as president will be to put my Free Latte Act into effect, which will ensure that all students with a 4.0 GPA get a free latte every morning.  
  
 **Kaldur:** I also plan to raise money for charity by getting "Fergalicious" tattooed across my lower back.  
  
 **Dick:** I love the new rebellious Kaldur already oh my fucking god  
  
 **Zatanna:** hey now  
  
 **Zatanna:** language  
  
 **Dick:** My bad. Sorry Zee  
  
 **Dick:** *oh my fucking goodness  
  
 **Zatanna:** thank u  
  
 **Megan:** You still haven’t explained what it is we’re going to be doing on Wednesday yet  
  
 **Megan:** Because need I remind you that I have a spotless criminal record and would like to keep it that way  
  
 **Megan:** At least until college application season is over. After that you can expect to be faced with a whole new Megan Morse—one who doesn’t care about following rules or being polite  
  
 **Megan:** I’m going to let loose and become a hardened criminal >:)  
  
 **Wally:** hey megan say fuck  
  
 **Megan:** F*ck  
  
 **Wally:** that was adorable thank you  
  
 **Dick:** Anyway who wants to join in on our fun teenage activity?  
  
 **Artemis:** You! Still! Haven’t! Told! Us! What! We’re! Doing!  
  
 **Dick:** And I don’t plan to  
  
 **Conner:** youre not going to make us rob someones grave are you  
  
 **Dick:** Nah, that’s next week  
  
 **Dick:** I am but a simple boy who wants this adventure to be as fun and chaotic as possible, which means you guys are not allowed to know what it is we’re doing because it’s more fun for me that way  
  
 **Megan:** What’s he making us do, Wally?  
  
 **Wally:** sorry friends, my lips are sealed  
  
 **Wally:** but I can assure you that it probably won’t get us sent to prison  
  
 **Kaldur:** Because that narrows the list down so much.  
  
 **Dick:** Come on guys, don’t you want to do something fun? It’s your senior year, a time when you SHOULD be leaping headfirst into stupid activities without thinking about it first. When you’re SUPPOSED to do weird shit with your friends because you know that this time won’t last forever and you want to make the most of it while you still can  
  
 **Raquel:** I’ll do whatever you say as long as you stop saying these things because it’s making me feel nostalgic for the present and I don’t like that  
  
 **Zatanna:** also i’m a junior, remember?  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah but you’re already my #3 partner in crime so I didn’t think you’d need the pep talk  
  
 **Zatanna:** i mean  
  
 **Zatanna:** ur not wrong  
  
 **Dick:** So are you other salty suzies in or not?  
  
 **Raquel:** I’m in  
  
 **Conner:** sounds like fun  
  
 **Roy:** Fuck you guys.  
  
 **Megan:** I’m in!  
  
 **Artemis:** I’ve already been to jail twice so why not try for a third time  
  
 **Kaldur:** I suppose we are all in.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Please don’t get me sent to Alcatraz.  
  
 **Dick:** HELL YEAH!!!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Bread** **  
****  
****Sunday, October 27** **  
****15:30 EST**

**Bagél:** ah, ze sveet sveet halloveen season  
  
 **Bagél:** time to break out these bad boys:  
  
 **Bagél:** [image sent]  
  
 **Rye Bread:**...Wally.  
  
 **Bagél:** hmm?  
  
 **Rye Bread:** Why do you have a box full of candy canes?  
  
 **Bagél:** because it’s halloween of course, you silly billy  
  
 **Bagél:** gotta stock up on candy  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** I didn’t even know they were selling Christmas stuff yet  
  
 **Bagél:** oh they’re not  
  
 **Bagél:** these minty fellas are souvenirs from last christmas  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Ew  
  
 **Crouton:** Wally please don’t eat those, you will definitely get food poisoning  
  
 **Bagél:** sorry what’s that?  
  
 **Bagél:** I can’t hear you over the sound of my teeth chomping candy canes  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** So this is the triumphant end of Wally West. I'm sorry to see him leave us so soon  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** He died a hero, but he also died a dumbass, and that is how he would want to be remembered. Not for his achievements, but for his dumbassery which will undoubtedly go down in history for generations  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Like the late Hannah Montana, Wally truly lived the best of both worlds  
  
 **Rye Bread:** I miss him already.  
  
 **Bagél:** you jerks  
  
 **Bagél:** how dare you underestimate my eating power  
  
 **Crouton:** I give him five minutes before he keels over  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Make it three  
  
 **Bagél:** can’t wait to prove you guys wrong when I consume this whole box like the champion I am and  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** …  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Wally?  
  
 **Rye Bread:** Oh my fucking god he’s fucking dead.  
  
 **Crouton:** Hey babe blink once if you’re conscious  
  
 **Bagél:** uh oh  
  
 **Rye Bread:** Oh good he’s alive.  
  
 **Bagél:** feeling kinda nauseous now  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Asdfghj  
  
 **Crouton:** Welp, guess I’ll start making the hologram memorial  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Tuesday, October 29** **  
****09:11 EST**

**Steph:** hey siri will i die if i eat a bath bomb  
  
 **Jaime:** What flavor is it?  
  
 **Steph:** grape  
  
 **Jaime:** Probably not.  
  
 **Cassie:** Um, probably yes?  
  
 **Cassie:** Please don’t eat it  
  
 **Violet:** I once bit into a bath bomb when I was younger. Now I can smell colors!  
  
 **Tim:** what doeş red smell līke?  
  
 **Violet:** Burnt rubber.  
  
 **Bart:** yellow?  
  
 **Violet:** Expired grape juice and damp wood.  
  
 **Garfield:** green?  
  
 **Violet:** Salty.  
  
 **Steph:** what about violet?  
  
 **Violet:** Oranges.  
  
 **Steph:** ironic  
  
 **Jaime:** Ooh ooh I got a good one.  
  
 **Jaime:** What do rainbows smell like?  
  
 **Violet:** You really want to know?  
  
 **Jaime:** Absolutely.  
  
 **Violet:** Like peanuts and old fish.  
  
 **Jaime:** Now I’m disappointed.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
****  
****Wednesday, October 30** **  
****16:46 EST**

**Roy:** So guys, how did your little “adventure” go?  
  
 **Artemis:** Um  
  
 **Megan:** Well  
  
 **Conner:** uh  
  
 **Kaldur:** You see…  
  
 **Dick:** In our defense, we didn’t know those materials were flammable  
  
 **Roy:** Oh my god.  
  
 **Roy:** What happened??  
  
 **Raquel:** I’m not explaining it. Too embarrassing  
  
 **Megan:** Me neither  
  
 **Artemis:** Dick, you tell the story since you're the one who got us into this mess  
  
 **Dick:** So did Wally???  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah but we all know you were the mastermind  
  
 **Wally:** sorry buddy, it’s true. but you know I’d take the fall for you in court anyway because I trust you to bake me a cake with a gun in it and bring it to me in prison that way I can escape and you, Artemis, and I can spend the rest of our lives as a trio of outlaws, pulling museum heists and living out of an old minivan with five chickens  
  
 **Zatanna:** roy, go look on the news if u want to know what happened  
  
 **Roy:** You guys are on the NEWS???  
  
 **Kaldur:** Let me just say that I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning.  
  
 **Megan:** Please, you were just as excited to do it as the rest of us  
  
 **Kaldur:** Yes, but I still knew it was a bad idea. I just didn’t care enough to stop it. There is a difference.  
  
 **Dick:** Did you find it yet Roy?  
  
 **Roy:** Oh my goddamn heck shit fucking mother of GOD.  
  
 **Zatanna:** he found it  
  
 **Roy:** YOU BLEW UP THE CHEM LAB??????  
  
 **Raquel:** Only a little  
  
 **Roy:** HOW DO YOU ONLY BLOW SOMETHING UP A LITTLE???  
  
 **Raquel:** One of the beakers survived, so I think that counts as a little explosion  
  
 **Roy:** WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS???  
  
 **Wally:** hey now, need I remind you that I’m damn good at science  
  
 **Wally:** we just...underestimated some of the reactions  
  
 **Artemis:** It was a simple mistake. Anyone could make it  
  
 **Roy:** YOU. BLEW. UP. A. CLASSROOM.  
  
 **Roy:** Holy fucking  
  
 **Roy:** I just  
  
 **Roy:** I don’t  
  
 **Roy:** Why???  
  
 **Roy:** How???  
  
 **Roy:** _WHY????_  
  
 **Conner:** well now im ashamed to say it  
  
 **Megan:** Long story short, we made homemade Jolly Ranchers  
  
 **Roy:** AND SOMEHOW DECIMATED SCHOOL PROPERTY IN THE PROCESS?????????  
  
 **Dick:** Kind of, yeah  
  
 **Kaldur:** At least it was fun while it lasted.  
  
 **Zatanna:** hell yeah, i took a video and everything  
  
 **Zatanna:** it was super cool until the fire started  
  
 **Zatanna:** then things kinda went downhill from there  
  
 **Roy:** Jesus fucking Christ.  
  
 **Roy:** I can’t with you people.  
  
 **Raquel:** Some of the jolly ranchers survived, though they’re a little charred  
  
 **Kaldur:** And still delicious! Especially the green apple ones.  
  
 **Conner:** we are fantastic chefs  
  
 **Wally:** bill nye would be proud of us  
  
 **Roy:** No he would NOT?????  
  
 **Roy:** YOU BLEW UP A CHEMISTRY LAB!!  
  
 **Zatanna:** i think ur focusing on the explosion part too much  
  
 **Zatanna:** were there casualties of our candy-making experiment? yes there were  
  
 **Zatanna:** but all fun requires a sacrifice  
  
 **Zatanna:** plus nobody got hurt, which is a huge win in my book  
  
 **Conner:** my eyebrows are gone  
  
 **Zatanna:** they’ll grow back  
  
 **Roy:** What did the school say?? Are you guys expelled???  
  
 **Dick:** Thankfully no  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah, Dick’s dad in all his philanthropic glory handled everything  
  
 **Artemis:** He paid for them to replace all of the equipment we destroyed AND buy new uniforms for the chemistry team for good measure  
  
 **Megan:** Thank goodness for billionaires  
  
 **Megan:** At least,  
  
 **Megan:** Thank goodness for the ones like Bruce Wayne who prefer to make things better rather than enslaving workers and killing the planet, I guess  
  
 **Dick:** It’s a good thing Bruce is used to paying for my shenanigans by now, or else that ordeal could have ended very badly  
  
 **Roy:** So you all got off scot free???  
  
 **Wally:** well not exactly  
  
 **Kaldur:** We all have four hours of detention after school for the rest of the week, which is basically just two days.  
  
 **Conner:** and were banned from going to the halloween dance  
  
 **Conner:** but it could be worse  
  
 **Roy:** _Uh, YEAH IT REALLY COULD BE????_ _  
_ _  
_ **Roy:** Holy shit you guys got off so easy.  
  
 **Dick:** It always pays to have a rich dad ready to bail you out ;)  
  
 **Artemis:** Literally  
  
 **Roy:** So...you think you guys could send over some of those jolly ranchers?

 **Wally:** already mailed them right after they let us out of the police station  
  
 **Roy:** Nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artemis Ed   
>  🤝  
> flirting with your future  
> boyfriend in a language he  
> doesn’t understand


	7. Never Have I Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The originals play a discount Breakfast Club-style game of "Never Have I Ever" during detention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings: mentions of child abuse and suicide attempts, but nothing super graphic (these kids are DEPRESSED okay)**

**Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
****  
****Thursday, October 31** **  
****14:26 EST**

**Wally:** hey **  
  
Wally:** hey guess what  
  
 **Wally:** I’m bored  
  
 **Conner:** really? i couldnt tell  
  
 **Conner:** its not like youve been sighing heavily and making dying whale sounds for the past ten minutes or anything  
  
 **Wally:** yeah, because guess what  
  
 **Wally:** I’m BOREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD  
  
 **Artemis:** We heard you the first time, Wally  
  
 **Wally:** but it’s TRUE  
  
 **Dick:** Then let’s play a game, it’s called “Let’s See How Long Wally Can Stay Quiet And Not Talk For”   
  
**Zatanna:** sksksjssks  
  
 **Kaldur:** LOL.  
  
 **Artemis:** Kaldur. Sweetie. Honey bunches of oats. We’ve talked about this before with how capitalizing acronyms makes you sound like a blonde-bobbed mom named Karen  
  
 **Kaldur:** Oh, right.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Lmao, I’m dyingggg at Wally’s expense hjdkdhjfhj.  
  
 **Artemis:** Attaboy  
  
 **Wally:** mock me at your peril you sheep  
  
 **Wally:** I’m so bored I could kill a man, and all of you are prime targets  
  
 **Megan:** Why don’t you play a game on your phone?  
  
 **Wally:** already beat my high score twice over  
  
 **Megan:** You could do some homework?  
  
 **Wally:** did that too  
  
 **Megan:** Count to a thousand?  
  
 **Wally:** done  
  
 **Megan:** Well I tried  
  
 **Artemis:** Want my scrunchie? You can play with that for a while  
  
 **Wally:** you’re all the way across the detention room babe, I don’t think you’ll be able to throw it over here without making a Ruckus™  
  
 **Artemis:** Is that a CHALLENGE I hear?  
  
 **Wally:** uh oh  
  
 **Artemis:** CATCH  
  
 **Wally:** ohfuckfhFGHJGFYLGF  
  
 **Dick:** ……   
  
**Dick:** Not gonna lie I thought that would be a total miss, but you guys proved me wrong so good job  
  
 **Wally:** YEAH BECA USE SHE FUCKING SHOT IT AT MY FACE LIEK A SLINGSHOT  
  
 **Artemis:** It worked, didn’t it?   
  
**Artemis:** You’re welcome  
  
 **Wally:** oooooh it’s stretchy  
  
 **Wally:** you know, one of these days you gotta let me come to your archery practice  
  
 **Wally:** OH MY GOD AND YOU CAN SHOOT AN APPLE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD LIKE THEY DO IN THE MOVIES THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING COOL  
  
 **Artemis:** Tempting, but I don’t really feel like being arrested for murder at the moment. Ask me tomorrow  
  
 **Wally:** coward  
  
 **Wally:** hey question, will I get in trouble if I draw a mustache on mr. dibny’s face with my cast-signing sharpie?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Undoubtedly yes.  
  
 **Wally:** hmmm   
  
**Kaldur:** Please don’t try it.  
  
 **Wally:** nobody wants me to have a fun time and it's biphobic, transphobic, and wallyphobic all at the same time  
  
 **Megan:** We should play a game! :D  
  
 **Wally:** finally a quality suggestion, megs you're my hero  
  
 **Dick:** What kind of game?  
  
 **Megan:** I don’t know  
  
 **Megan:** Something we can do without getting up from our desks or making noise  
  
 **Conner:** hangman?  
  
 **Raquel:** Blegh  
  
 **Conner:** youre blegh  
  
 **Raquel:** Your face is blegh  
  
 **Dick:** We can always do “never have I ever”  
  
 **Wally:** ooooooh I like it  
  
 **Zatanna:** i’m game  
  
 **Artemis:** Don't you mean GAYME?  
  
 **Zatanna:** i know it's supposed to sound like mixing gay with game, but all i'm seeing here is "gay me" which isn't even incorrect  
  
 **Conner:** ill play never have i ever  
  
 **Conner:** mostly because never have i ever played never have i ever before so its perfect  
  
 **Kaldur:** Do none of you know how detention works?? We are supposed to sit quietly at our desks and think about what we’ve done.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Besides, how will we even play? We can’t talk to each other.  
  
 **Dick:** Embrace the 21st century Kaldur, we’re a bunch of teenagers with cell phones. We don’t need verbal communication any more than purple caribous need teapots  
  
 **Conner:** interesting metaphor  
  
 **Dick:** Thanks I saw it written in a bathroom stall once  
  
 **Zatanna:** plus who’s going to rat on us, mr. dibny? if he’s been asleep this long, i doubt he’s waking up anytime soon   
  
**Megan:** Exactly! I think it’s a great idea  
  
 **Wally:** we should invite roy to play with us  
  
 **Artemis:** Why would we want him here?  
  
 **Wally:** because we LOVE him that’s why  
  
 **Artemis:** ………..Okay fine  
  
 **Artemis:** Summon the garbage man  
  
 **Dick:** Yo @Roy get over here and play with us  
  
 **Conner:** royyyyyyyyy your goofball friends need you  
  
 **Kaldur:** Should I call him?  
  
 **Raquel:** Maybe he’s like Beetlejuice and you have to say his name three times for him to appear  
  
 **Wally:** genius  
  
 **Wally:** ROY ROY ROY  
  
 **Wally:**...  
  
 **Wally:** your advice has failed me  
  
 **Megan:** GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE ROY, WE’VE GOT GAMES TO PLAY  
  
 **Roy:** What do you people want from me now?  
  
 **Wally:** IT WORKED!!! :D  
  
 **Wally:** hi roy!!! <3  
  
 **Roy:** Hi Wally.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Roy, would you like to play Never Have I Ever with us?  
  
 **Roy:** I thought you all had detention today.  
  
 **Zatanna:** we do but we got bored  
  
 **Zatanna:** plus we need something to distract us from the horrible knowledge that we’re missing out on halloween festivities for this  
  
 **Dick:** Don’t remind me  
  
 **Dick:** Watching Tim leave to meet up with the other gays for a night of fun and wickedness was physically painful  
  
 **Kaldur:** What are their plans?  
  
 **Dick:** They’re all going to the Halloween dance and then they’re spending the rest of the night trick-or-treating around the rich neighborhoods  
  
 **Wally:** did you guys get a look at bart, cassie, and tim’s costumes yet? when bart showed me I fucking DIED  
  
 **Zatanna:** what are they?  
  
 **Wally:** they’re all being conner kent clones  
  
 **Artemis:** SDfghjk;lkj  
  
 **Artemis:** That’s genius  
  
 **Conner:** i dont know if i should be flattered or insulted by this  
  
 **Dick:** Tim came into my room yesterday and asked if I had any of Conner’s identical plain black t-shirts because he needed to borrow one, and lucky for him I had six of them in my closet  
  
 **Conner:** why????   
  
**Dick:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
 **Dick:** I’m a raccoon boy, it’s what I do  
  
 **Megan:** Yeah well I have 12 of them so HA  
  
 **Wally:** 15, beat that  
  
 **Conner:** please stop stealing my clothes????????  
  
 **Raquel:** So anyways Royster, are you in or not  
  
 **Roy:** I’m kind of in a lecture right now.  
  
 **Zatanna:** what class is it?  
  
 **Roy:** Theatre Appreciation or something. Pretty boring.  
  
 **Zatanna:** then think about it this way: u could sit and pay attention to that boring lecture for the next hour and probably die from ur brain melting out of ur ears,,,  
  
 **Zatanna:** OR u could play a super crash game with us cool people who are filled with so much unhinged energy that there’s no doubt in my mind it will end badly  
  
 **Roy:** …  
  
 **Roy:** You had me at crash.  
  
 **Wally:** NICE  
  
 **Wally:** okay okay so what rules are we working with here  
  
 **Megan:** Finger system?  
  
 **Roy:** My hands and I are out of sight over here, so fingers won't work.  
  
 **Wally:** (there are probably jokes to be made here, but I shall refrain out of politeness for the children present)  
  
 **Artemis:** (Roy and Conner?)  
  
 **Wally:** (roy and conner)  
  
 **Dick:** Okay then why don’t we all start out with ten points, and for each thing you’ve done you take off a number until one of us hits zero and wins/loses depending on your viewpoint  
  
 **Artemis:** And the last person to say their new number during each round has to tell the story of when they’ve done the thing because I love having dirt on people  
  
 **Dick:** Agreed  
  
 **Dick:** Also whoever had to tell the story gets to ask for the next round and so on  
  
 **Conner:** sounds good. who wants to go first?  
  
 **Megan:** I’ll do it!  
  
 **Roy:** Take it away Megs.  
  
 **Megan:** Okay uhhhh  
  
 **Megan:** Never have I ever done alcohol :)  
  
 **Roy:** 9  
  
 **Artemis:** 9  
  
 **Zatanna:** 9 lmao  
  
 **Raquel:** 9  
  
 **Roy:** You know you don’t “do” alcohol, right? You drink alcohol.  
  
 **Megan:** Potato potahto  
  
 **Dick:** Alright Raquel, tell us your underage drinking tale you criminal  
  
 **Raquel:** Technically it doesn’t really count because I didn’t swallow  
  
 **Wally:** (STOP GIVING ME SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES FOR DIRTY JOKES OH MY GOD)  
  
 **Raquel:** A few weeks ago I found some hard cider in my fridge and figured no one would notice if a swig was missing, so I drank some and immediately spit it back out because it was expired and I can’t read  
  
 **Zatanna:** dfdfghjk  
  
 **Roy:** That’s one way to do it I guess.  
  
 **Dick:** Okay your turn Raq  
  
 **Raquel:** Hmm  
  
 **Raquel:** Never have I ever tried to run away from home  
  
 **Roy:** Oh boy.  
  
 **Wally:** 9  
  
 **Artemis:** 8  
  
 **Dick:** 9  
  
 **Artemis:** And technically I succeeded, so I get an extra point taken off for being awesome  
  
 **Zatanna:** pretty sure that’s cheating but okay  
  
 **Kaldur:** Dick, don’t you live in a mansion with three swimming pools? Why would you want to run away from that?  
  
 **Dick:** I mayyy have had some behavioral issues the first few years after Bruce adopted me  
  
 **Dick:** I tried to run away about four times I think? Most of the time I only made it to the end of the driveway before Alfred found me and coaxed me back with the promise of cookies, but still  
  
 **Conner:** wow  
  
 **Conner:** never saw that coming  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah well, Bruce is kind of a detached guy at first, so it took a while for us to get used to each other  
  
 **Dick:** We get along just fine now though, so it’s all gucci  
  
 **Dick:** Alright SO  
  
 **Dick:** Never…….  
  
 **Dick:** Have I EVER…...……   
  
**Zatanna:** ur really going for the drama here huh  
  
 **Dick:** …….Bleached my hair  
  
 **Kaldur:** 9  
  
 **Conner:** 9  
  
 **Artemis:** 6  
  
 **Dick:** Artemis you bleach your hair??  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah?   
  
**Artemis:** Dude I’m half Vietnamese, you didn’t seriously think I was a natural blonde did you   
  
**Dick:** Hey now, need I remind you that I am a CHILD. I have no idea how genetics work  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m going to take that as a compliment then because it means I’m doing the roots correctly  
  
 **Artemis:** Never have I ever cried after age ten  
  
 **Zatanna:** 8  
  
 **Kaldur:** 8  
  
 **Dick:** 8  
  
 **Roy:** 8  
  
 **Conner:** 8  
  
 **Wally:** 8  
  
 **Raquel:** 8  
  
 **Megan:** 9  
  
 **Kaldur:** Artemis, I have so many questions.  
  
 **Artemis:** I don’t cry and that’s all there is to it  
  
 **Dick:**???  
  
 **Raquel:** What do you MEAN you don’t cry???? Everyone cries  
  
 **Artemis:** I don’t. Mind over matter, y’all  
  
 **Megan:** That’s not how it works though?? I cry all the time, like yesterday when I burst into tears watching an unfairly cute toilet paper commercial  
  
 **Artemis:** Nah, crying’s just not my thing  
  
 **Artemis:** I think my tear ducts erased their identities and fled the state  
  
 **Zatanna:** what about sad movies? like the fault in our stars, i know for a fact u watched that one and there’s no WAY u didn’t cry at the end  
  
 **Artemis:** Already tried that. Didn’t work  
  
 **Roy:** What if a family member died?  
  
 **Artemis:** I mean my dad’s an asshole, my sister fucked off into the unknown, and my mom has been in prison since I was seven  
  
 **Artemis:** Sure I’d be sad if one of them died, but idk if I would actually go and cry over it  
  
 **Megan:** What if your cat died?  
  
 **Artemis:** Cats are demons  
  
 **Zatanna:** what if ur beloved dog got hit by an airplane?  
  
 **Artemis:** I don’t have a dog  
  
 **Dick:** What if Wally disintegrated in some freak accident and was gone forever?  
  
 **Wally:** is that a threat  
  
 **Dick:** Maybe  
  
 **Dick:** But really Artemis, cry or no cry over your dead boyfriend  
  
 **Artemis:** ……………  
  
 **Artemis:** Okay you got me  
  
 **Wally:** aww thanks babe  
  
 **Megan:** Never have I ever been to a funeral  
  
 **Dick:** 7  
  
 **Roy:** 7  
  
 **Zatanna:** 7  
  
 **Zatanna:** my mom died in a car wreck when i was a toddler so i don’t remember much of the funeral except that my relatives kept feeding me candy and i got lots of hugs  
  
 **Zatanna:** also i’ve had to flush several fishies down the toilet over the years  
  
 **Zatanna:** keep forgetting to feed those guys  
  
 **Zatanna:** uhhhhhhhhh never have i ever been kissed  
  
 **Artemis:** 5  
  
 **Roy:** 6  
  
 **Kaldur:** 7  
  
 **Raquel:** 7  
  
 **Conner:** 7  
  
 **Megan:** 8  
  
 **Wally:** 7  
  
 **Dick:** 6  
  
 **Zatanna:** wow so i’m really the only one here who hasn’t? lovely  
  
 **Artemis:** I thought you dated some guy with a nose ring during your freshman year  
  
 **Zatanna:** that relationship only lasted a week  
  
 **Zatanna:** also he smelled like old mayonnaise so i wouldn’t let him within five feet of my nostrils  
  
 **Dick:** Ew  
  
 **Dick:** My first kiss was with Barbara during a game of spin the bottle in middle school. She tasted like pizza and Coca-Cola lip smackers  
  
 **Wally:** you dog  
  
 **Megan:** How is Barbara, by the way? I haven’t seen her since spring break  
  
 **Dick:** She’s as awesome as ever and I call her twice every weekend because I MISS HER  
  
 **Dick:** Anyways it’s my turn now bitches  
  
 **Dick:** Never have I ever been in love  
  
 **Artemis:** 4  
  
 **Artemis:** This game’s getting pretty deep huh  
  
 **Kaldur:** 6 **  
** **  
** **Kaldur:** Indeed. **  
** **  
** **Wally:** 6  
  
 **Wally:** I like it. it’s about time we did a breakfast club-style honesty session **  
** **  
** **Megan:** 7 **  
** **  
** **Conner:** 6 **  
** **  
** **Roy:** 5 **  
** **  
** **Zatanna:** does fantasizing about butch kristen stewart count?  
  
 **Dick:** Nope  
  
 **Zatanna:** then no  
  
 **Dick:** Okay Roy, dish to us about your true loves and steamy románces  
  
 **Roy:** There’s not much to tell, really.  
  
 **Roy:** I was in love with Jade a few years back, but then she took off one night without saying goodbye and never came back, so. Yeah.  
  
 **Roy:** But now I’ve got Kaldur and he’s fantastic, so he gets all my love these days.  
  
 **Kaldur:** <3  
  
 **Conner:** awwww youre fucking gay  
  
 **Artemis:** You have no love for me, Roy? I’m INSULTED  
  
 **Artemis:** Did the “World’s Best Fake Brother” mug I got you for Christmas mean nothing to you???  
  
 **Roy:** Meh.  
  
 **Roy:** Never have I ever kicked a pebble so hard it shot into a tree and dented it.  
  
 **Zatanna:** that’s not fair, none of us have done that  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah dude, you have to ask real questions  
  
 **Conner:** ……………….  
  
 **Conner:** i feel attacked  
  
 **Wally:**?  
  
 **Conner:** 5  
  
 **Raquel:** I’m sorry _what??_ _  
_  
 **Conner:** listen,,, i had a case of the mondays,,,, could have happened to anyone  
  
 **Dick:** Fghjkjhghj oh my GOD Kon how are you even human  
  
 **Conner:** okay okay moving on  
  
 **Conner:** never have i ever watched harry potter  
  
 **Zatanna:** *offended gasping*  
  
 **Zatanna:** 6 YOU UNCULTURED SWINE  
  
 **Dick:** 5  
  
 **Wally:** 5  
  
 **Wally:** I’m disappointed in you conner  
  
 **Raquel:** 6 **  
** **  
** **Kaldur:** 5 **  
** **  
** **Raquel:** Artemis you've never watched it??  
  
 **Artemis:** Nope  
  
 **Artemis:** Wally made me read the books over the summer but I never got around to watching the movies  
  
 **Artemis:** Loophole, fuckeres  
  
 **Dick:** Fuckerés  
  
 **Artemis:** Shush  
  
 **Roy:** Take it away, Kal.  
  
 **Kaldur:** I have an idea, but I don’t know if it is too personal a question or not.  
  
 **Artemis:** Eh, we’re all friends here  
  
 **Artemis:** I’ve seen like half of you naked so why not bare our souls while we’re at it  
  
 **Kaldur:** That makes me extremely uncomfortable, thank you.  
  
 **Dick:** I have only seen a few of you naked but I agree, it’s honesty circle time so we might as well commit to it  
  
 **Conner:** please stop spying on us please and thank you  
  
 **Wally:** to be fair kon, you never wear a shirt so like  
  
 **Wally:** it’s kind of hard NOT to see you without clothes  
  
 **Conner:** you got me there  
  
 **Kaldur:** Never have I ever tried to kill myself.  
  
 **Dick:** Well shit okay  
  
 **Zatanna:** we’re plummeting straight into the deep end now i guess  
  
 **Kaldur:** I ASKED IF I COULD AND NONE OF YOU SAID NO!  
  
 **Raquel:** YEAH BECAUSE ARTEMIS FREAKED US OUT WITH HER ALL-SEEING NAKED POWERS!  
  
 **Roy:**...4  
  
 **Wally:** 4  
  
 **Wally:** ……  
  
 **Wally:** stop looking at me like that  
  
 **Dick:** You're joking right? Tell me you’re joking  
  
 **Wally:** moving on  
  
 **Megan:** Wait no can we pause for a second?  
  
 **Wally:** MOVING ON  
  
 **Wally:** never have I ever been on tv, now put up the damn numbers  
  
 **Dick:** Um. Okay  
  
 **Dick:** 4  
  
 **Dick:** Guess I’m the only one for this round  
  
 **Raquel:** When were you on TV?  
  
 **Dick:** It happens kind of a lot, actually  
  
 **Dick:** Circus freak and son of a billionaire rolled into one  
  
 **Zatanna:** what’s it like? i’ve always wanted to know how famous people live in preparation for my future career in devil magic  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Thursday, October 31** **  
****14:58 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey **  
** **  
** **Artemis:** Were you really telling the truth back there?  
  
 **Artemis:** About trying to do...that?  
  
 **Baywatch:** I mean  
  
 **Baywatch:** that would be a weird thing to lie about  
  
 **Artemis:** Well yeah but  
  
 **Artemis:** I dunno **  
** **  
** **Artemis:** You’ve just never told me that before  
  
 **Baywatch:** I know  
  
 **Baywatch:** and no offense, but please don’t expect me to. I don’t like talking about it and if it makes you feel any better, not even dick knew before today  
  
 **Artemis:** I get it  
  
 **Artemis:** And I’m not going to make you talk if you don’t want to  
  
 **Artemis:** But if you ever do want to talk about it, just remember I’m here  
  
 **Artemis:** Okay?  
  
 **Baywatch:** okay  
  
 **Baywatch:** thanks  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Roy** **  
****  
****Thursday, October 31** **  
****14:59 EST**

**Kaldur:** It was after Jade, wasn’t it?  
  
 **Roy:** Yeah.  
 **  
Roy:** It took a week for it to sink in that she was gone for good, and it kind of fucked my brain up. I thought she ran because I wasn't good enough for her or something, so one night I got drunk on tequila and downed a bottle of pills.  
  
 **Kaldur:** I'm sorry.  
  
 **Roy:** It's okay. I'm over it.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Are you...better now?  
  
 **Roy:** I think so.  
  
 **Kaldur:** That's good.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Because I love you, and I want you to know that I would never abandon you like that. Never.  
  
 **Roy:** I love you too.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
****  
****Thursday, October 31** **  
****15:01 EST**

**Dick:** Never have I ever been electrocuted  
  
 **Conner:** 5  
  
 **Wally:** 3  
  
 **Wally:** it was pretty cool actually. I stuck a fork in an outlet five years ago and woke up in the hospital lmao  
  
 **Zatanna:** did u get any superpowers?  
  
 **Wally:** still waiting to find out, but I’m optimistic  
  
 **Wally:** never have I ever uhhhhh   
  
**Wally:** left the country  
  
 **Kaldur:** 4  
  
 **Zatanna:** 5  
  
 **Roy:** 3  
  
 **Conner:** 4  
  
 **Conner:** took the wrong bus once and ended up in canada  
  
 **Roy:** Dick I know for a FACT you’ve been outside the country before, stop withholding the truth from our comrades.  
  
 **Dick:** Well yeah but I haven’t LEFT it, so therefore the question doesn’t apply to me  
  
 **Artemis:** What the hell does that even mean  
  
 **Dick:** Hello? Haly’s International Traveling Circus, anyone?  
  
 **Dick:** I lived with the circus which meant I moved throughout Asia and Europe for most of my life. My first time in America was when I was eight and we performed in Gotham, then some Stuff™ happened and Bruce took me in after that  
  
 **Dick:** I haven’t traveled farther than Hawaii since then, so yeah  
  
 **Dick:** TECHNICALLY I haven’t left the country yet  
  
 **Megan:** Wait, so where were you born then?  
  
 **Dick:** In a train car on the trip between Madrid and Barcelona  
  
 **Kaldur:** Wow.  
  
 **Dick:** Your turn Conner, don’t disappoint us  
  
 **Conner:** okay  
  
 **Conner:** never have i ever broken a bone  
  
 **Wally:** I hope a spider lays eggs in your nostril tonight  
  
 **Wally:** 2  
  
 **Dick:** 3  
  
 **Artemis:** 3  
  
 **Raquel:** 5  
  
 **Raquel:** Let’s see, I slammed my finger in a door when I was five, fractured my wrist on the seesaw when I was seven, chipped a tooth when I was twelve, fractured my OTHER wrist on the seesaw they rebuilt after taking down the original one because it kept breaking children’s bones,  
  
 **Wally:** dude were you born with glass bones and paper skin??  
  
 **Raquel:** Yes  
  
 **Raquel:** Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms  
  
 **Raquel:** Never have I ever gotten punched in the face because people generally like me which is a blessing because I’m only a badass in Minecraft  
  
 **Wally:** 1  
  
 **Wally:** somehow I’m winning this game and I don’t know if that makes me happy or not  
  
 **Artemis:** 2  
  
 **Dick:** 2  
  
 **Conner:** 3  
  
 **Roy:** 2  
  
 **Megan:** Does a slap count?  
  
 **Conner:**???  
  
 **Raquel:** I...guess?  
  
 **Megan:** 6  
  
 **Conner:** _?????_  
  
 **Roy:** That’s it I’m gonna have to kill someone now.  
  
 **Conner:** megan who hit you and where the fuck are they  
  
 **Megan:** It’s really not that big a deal  
  
 **Artemis:** Like HELL it isn’t, tell me who it was so I can go beat their ass  
  
 **Artemis:** Hurting an angel like you is worse than kicking a puppy and I Will Not Stand For It  
  
 **Megan:** It was a long time ago  
  
 **Megan:** When I told my parents I was a girl, they took it really badly. But I’m living with Uncle John and Gar now so it’s fine  
  
 **Megan:** Conner please stop gripping your desk like that, you’re going to break the wood  
  
 **Megan:** I’m okay. Really  
  
 **Zatanna:** dickie, i can trust u to snoop and find out where her parents live so we can all ambush them like ninjas later right?  
  
 **Dick:** Way ahead of you  
  
 **Zatanna:** excellent  
  
 **Megan:** It’s my turn now so hush up  
  
 **Megan:** Never have I ever had my heart broken by someone I trusted  
  
 **Roy:** 1  
  
 **Kaldur:** 3  
  
 **Roy:** This game is getting depressing.  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah, sorry guys but someone needs to say it:  
  
 **Dick:** How the HELL did we all manage to get so fucked up??  
  
 **Dick:** No offense  
  
 **Conner:** none taken  
  
 **Artemis:** I think we’re cursed  
  
 **Roy:** Yep that’s probably it.  
  
 **Wally:** I'll bet it was that annoying klarion kid  
  
 **Wally:** he seems creepy and witchy enough for it  
  
 **Dick:** It's true  
  
 **Zatanna:** all this talk about being cursed is making me hungry  
  
 **Dick:** Where is the correlation between those two things??  
  
 **Zatanna:** there is none, i just like attention  
  
 **Dick:**...Fair  
  
 **Zatanna:** who wants to sneak out of here and get hot dogs with me?  
  
 **Raquel:** I DO  
  
 **Dick:** Hell yeah fellas I'm buying  
  
 **Kaldur:** Was nobody listening earlier when I explained the rules of detention???  
  
 **Artemis:** Not really, no  
  
 **Artemis:** Anyways JAILBREAK LET'S GO  
  
 **Wally:** wait no we can’t leave yet!! I’m one point away from winning!!  
  
 **Dick:** Or losing  
  
 **Wally:** or WINNING  
  
 **Conner:** so youll come with us after you win?  
  
 **Wally:** yes  
  
 **Conner:** fine, never have i ever snuck out of detention to get hot dogs  
  
 **Wally:**.........  
  
 **Wally:** I know this is a curveball way of tricking me into joining the jailbreak while mocking me for my game dedication at the same time, but I don’t even care because it's an amazeballs strategy and you have won my respect  
  
 **Wally:** LET’S GET SOME HOT DOGS  
  
 **Megan:** Are you coming, Kaldur?  
  
 **Kaldur:** I suppose. If you can't beat them, join them, right?  
  
 **Dick:** That's the spirit!


	8. Time to Vore Some Moist Nuggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McNuggs are drowned, the earth is flat, and Klarion and Kaldur are officially rivals.

**Unknown Number > Roy Harper** **  
** **  
** **Friday, November 1** **  
** **06:34 EST**

**[Incoming call from: (646)-396-8703]** **  
** **  
** **  
** **[Call rejected]  
** **  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: Halloweenies** **  
** **  
** **Friday, November 1** **  
** **07:12 EST**

**Dick has renamed the group:** **_Fuck Ya Chicken Strips_ ** **  
** **  
** **Kaldur:** Interesting choice. **  
** **  
** **Dick:** Thank you it’s in honor of Chicken Month, more commonly known as Novmebbér **  
** **  
** **Wally:** happy no nut november you homosexuals ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   
  
**Zatanna:** for ur information, it’s actually no nut EVERY MONTH   
  
**Zatanna:** because i have an ALMOND ALLERGY   
  
**Artemis:** I've watched you pour almond milk in your latte every morning for the past three years   
  
**Zatanna:** yeah because i hate myself, mind ur fucking business   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
** **  
** **Friday, November 1** **  
** **11:11 EST**

**Wally:** my mcnuggs!!!! they fell in a puddle!!!!!  
  
 **Artemis:** I'm  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m sorry what  
  
 **Wally:** my mcnuggs!!!! mcnuggerns!!! nuggems!!!! they’re drowning!!!  
  
 **Conner:** fish em out  
  
 **Wally:** but now they’re soggy!!!! I don’t want to vore moist nuggs!!!!  
  
 **Roy:** Wally,  
  
 **Roy:** I am fucking BEGGING YOU,  
  
 **Roy:** Pretty PLEASE get your voice stolen by a sea witch in drag so I never have to hear that sentence ever again. I am this fucking close to drinking bleach.  
  
 **Wally:** my oh my, well would you look at that folks. wallyphobia at its finest  
  
 **Wally:** I shouldn’t be surprised  
  
 **Zatanna:** and this isn’t even a verbal conversation roy  
  
 **Roy:** It is when you’re holding an iced coffee in one hand and a corndog in the other so you ask Siri to read your texts out loud to you except you forgot that your earbuds aren’t plugged in so everyone in the quad hears an emotionless robot talk super loudly about voring moist nuggs.  
  
 **Zatanna:** yikes  
  
 **Roy:** It really is, Zee. It really is yikes.  
  
 **Wally:** I’m fishing for the nuggs now with a shoelace and a paper clip like a hillbilly  
  
 **Raquel:** Please just let them die  
  
 **Wally:** hmmmmmm  
  
 **Wally:** they’re a little squishy  
  
 **Wally:** but still tasty :)  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeahhhh I’m just gonna go ahead and…  
  
 **Artemis:** Vomit…over here…...  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Unknown Number > Roy Harper** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, November 2** **  
** **13:44 EST**

**[Incoming call from: (646)-396-8703]** **  
** **  
** **  
** **[Call rejected]  
** **  
** **  
**

* * *

**  
** ******  
** **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, November 3** **  
** **14:16 EST**

**Jaime:** Controversial fact: The earth is flat.   
  
**Tim:** well obviõusly, why else can i walk in a stråight line without going over a hîll? It’s basic physics   
  
**Bart:** yeah yeah and like   
  
**Bart:** why would anyone think it’s round in the first place?? the moon is flat when we look at it in the sky, so that means the earth must be flat too   
  
**Traci:** Round planets were a myth invented to sell dioramas, duh   
  
**Garfield:** can confirm, my sister is from mars and that place is flat as a sheet of paper she told me herself   
  
**Cassie:** I hate all of you because I genuinely can’t tell if half of you are joking or not   
  
**Tim:** we would nệver joke about something as facṭual as our beloved flat planet   
  
**Ed:** The only reason we haven’t seen the bottom side of the sheet of paper we live on is because that’s where all the cryptids live. The reason we can’t find them is because if we try and visit the underside we’ll fall off   
  
**Jaime:** Now that’s a stretch. Wouldn’t Bigfoot and Nessie fall off too since they can’t manipulate gravity? Mothman could theoretically survive because wings, but the others are all fucked.   
  
**Violet:** No no, we studied this in my old school. The bottom half of the earth has gravity so mankind IS allowed to go there.   
  
**Violet:** We just choose not to because the real danger is the Underside Weasels.   
  
**Bart:** :O   
  
**Bart:** do tell oh wise one   
  
**Violet:** According to history books, the Underside Weasels live under the planet and feast on human flesh. Only the cryptids can survive there because they eat the weasels.   
  
**Garfield:** nature is so beautiful :’)   
  
**Cassie:** I object and hereby convict this conversation on the grounds of it being SILLY   
  
**Cassie:** But mostly because I seriously worry that one of you is going to believe all this and I just don’t trust like that   
  
**Bart:** I’m insulted you think so little of us and our brains   
  
**Cassie:** Last week I told you strawberries came from beaver eggs and you believed me   
  
**Bart:** YOU SAID IT SO FACTUALLY, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO THINK??   
  
**Cassie:** I rest my case   
  
**Steph:** come on guys knock it off, all this arguing is bad for the baby   
  
**Traci:** 0_o   
  
**Bart:** I’m sorry wh uut,,   
  
**Steph:** it’s tim   
  
**Steph:** tim is the baby   
  
**Tim:** You offend me   
  
**Cassie:** She has a point though. You are exceptionally short   
  
**Tim:** I’m taller than Ɓart??   
  
**Bart:** not when I wear my sparkly rainbow high tops   
  
**Tim:** what about Gar??? There’s no way I’m shorter than him   
  
**Garfield:** oh yeah? how tall are you because I’m 5’5 and a half   
  
**Tim:** …    
  
**Tim:** I plead the fifth   
  
**Steph:** see? baby boy  
  
 **Steph:** i rest my case   
  
**Ed:** This is “Violet Is Baby” exclusionism and I won’t stand for it. Show some goddamn respect   
  
**Steph:** *gasp* edward cullen you’re right   
  
**Steph:** violet is also baby and i am ashamed to have ever thought otherwise. violet i hereby diagnose you and timmy both with Baby   
  
**Violet:** =D  
  
 **Tim:** c=D  
  
 **Tim:** i turned your smiley face into a shõvel  
  
 **Violet:**...Thank you?  
  
 **Tim:** you're so welcome   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Ray Hooker** **  
** **  
** **Monday, November 4** **  
** **16:49 EST**

**Dick:** Hey hey hey do you know those things? The ones that make the popping noises? The things?  
  
 **Ray Hooker:** What things?  
  
 **Dick:** The things  
  
 **Dick:** They pop  
  
 **Ray Hooker:** I can’t even explain how little that narrows down whatever it is you’re talking about.  
  
 **Dick:** Y’know  
  
 **Dick:** The THINGS  
  
 **Dick:** You throw them at the ground and they go snap snap snap  
  
 **Ray Hooker:**...Bones?  
  
 **Dick:** NO THE THINGS!!  
  
 **Dick:** Like if a firework had a baby with a packet of pop rocks? They go snappy snappy?  
  
 **Ray Hooker:** Ohhhhhhhhhhh okay I know what you mean.  
  
 **Ray Hooker:** The snappy poppy crackly things.  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah!  
  
 **Dick:** I’m glad at least one person knows what I’m talking about  
  
 **Dick:** When I tried explaining it to Bruce earlier, all I got was grounded  
  
 **Dick:** Because apparently putting tiny exploding things under the toilet seat is “irresponsible” and "childish" and “going to give him a fucking heart attack”   
  
**Dick:** Grownups, amiright?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, November 5** **  
** **14:22 EST  
  
** **  
** **  
** **Roy:** Check it out fellas, today I took a selfie with a beaver.  
  
 **Roy:** [image sent]  
  
 **Roy:** I think he had rabies but that’s okay, the bite wasn’t even that deep.  
  
 **Artemis:** Oh  
  
 **Kaldur:** My god.  
  
 **Raquel:** Jesus Christ Roy  
  
 **Roy:** What?  
  
 **Conner:** what the hell is that??  
  
 **Roy:** What are you talking about?  
  
 **Kaldur:** That gross...furry thing.  
  
 **Roy:** It’s a beaver, I told you.  
  
 **Raquel:** Not THAT furry thing  
  
 **Roy:** You've officially lost me.  
  
 **Artemis:** Roy William Harper II, what the PHUCK is on your face???  
  
 **Roy:** Wha—oh.  
  
 **Roy:** My bad, forgot to tell you guys I’ve been growing out a beard for the last few weeks. You like it?  
  
 **Roy:** [image sent]  
  
 **Roy:** I'm a sexy fiend.   
  
**Conner:** it looks like a mongoose crawled onto your face, got stuck on your mouth and died  
  
 **Raquel:** It looks like you got bitten by a werewolf but the transformation was limited to only the bottom half of your face  
  
 **Roy:** You haters, clearly I look hot as hell. Tell them, Kaldur.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Y...Yes it is a very,, h ot beard. You look am.azing. Inc redddibly sexy.  
  
 **Raquel:** It’s okay Kaldur you can be honest with us here  
  
 **Kaldur:** Roy I am so sorry but right now that thing on your face reminds me of my aunt Laverne.  
  
 **Roy:** :(  
  
 **Artemis:** You look like the kind of dude who stands at the back corner of a bar playing darts by yourself and asking passerbys if they want your autograph from the time you got naked and climbed the Statue of Liberty  
  
 **Conner:** what a visual  
  
 **Conner:** im glad i cant grow a beard for whatever reason  
  
 **Raquel:** Well of course you can’t, have you met your dad?  
  
 **Conner:** what do you mean?  
  
 **Artemis:** I hate to be the one to break this to you Conner, but you’ve got the Mr. Clean genes  
  
 **Conner:** …   
  
**Conner:** oh  
  
 **Conner:** oh no  
  
 **Kaldur:** Don’t worry, perhaps Roy can shave off his beard and make you a wig.  
  
 **Roy:** You guys are all just jealous of me and my amazing hair follicles. I'm a childless DILF.  
  
 **Artemis:** Sorry bud, but that thing makes you look like Oliver and I can’t stop picturing that whenever I think about you and your face pubes now  
  
 **Artemis:** It's seared into my brain cells  
  
 **Roy:** …   
  
**Roy:** I gotta go.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Where?  
  
 **Roy:** To shave this thing off.  
  
  


* * *

**  
** **  
** **Megan > Wally** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, November 6** **  
** **17:53 EST**

**Megan:** [image sent]  
  
 **Megan:** HELP  
  
 **Megan:** I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO  
  
 **Wally:** oh?? my god  
  
 **Megan:** I KNOW  
  
 **Wally:** oh my GOD  
  
 **Megan:** I KNOW!!!  
  
 **Wally:** you managed to make artemis cry???? how???? when???? how?????  
  
 **Wally:** not that I’m happy about my girlfriend crying or anything because it actually hurts my heart a lot to see her sad, but you know what I mean  
  
 **Wally:** I've been sending her heartwarming cat videos and sad memes for DAYS no and haven't gotten a single tear, but one day with you and suddenly it's niagra??  
  
 **Wally:** what did you do to her???  
  
 **Megan:** Artemis was teaching me how to play poker and she had a bowl of cheetos and she knocked the bowl with her elbow and it fell onto the floor and she burst into tears  
  
 **Wally:** holy shit  
  
 **Wally:** are the cheetos okay???  
  
 **Megan:** Debatably  
  
 **Wally:** okay now I'm coming over to help you comfort artemis  
  
 **Wally:** also to feast on cheetos  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Unknown Number > Roy Harper** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, November 6** **  
** **20:34 EST  
  
**

**[Incoming call from: (646)-396-8703]** **  
** **  
** **  
** **[Call rejected]** **  
** **  
  
**

* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Rocky** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, November 7** **  
** **02:45 EST  
  
** **  
** **  
** **Zatanna:** why do dicked down and fucked up mean two different things?   
  
**Rocky:** Please go to sleep  
  
 **Zatanna:** i don't need sleep i need answers   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, November 7** **  
** **12:16 EST**

**Kaldur:** Housten, I have a problem.  
  
 **Wally:** did you get stuck in a chinese finger trap again?  
  
 **Kaldur:** That was ONE TIME.  
  
 **Megan:** Yeah but didn’t it take you two hours to get out of there?  
  
 **Dick:** With lots of crying  
  
 **Dick:** Don’t forget the crying  
  
 **Conner:** why is it that most of our conversations as a group revolve around bullying each other?  
  
 **Wally:** because we love each other and it’s our jobs to drag one another like a loving family <3  
  
 **Wally:** platonic foreplay, if you will  
  
 **Dick:** Exactly  
  
 **Dick:** Gentle insults is how I show affection  
  
 **Artemis:** What’s your problem, Kal?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Well, you already know that I am running for student body president this year.  
  
 **Zatanna:** oh yeah, i was wondering why there were so many posters with ur face on them everywhere  
  
 **Zatanna:** i just assumed u were wanted for murder or smth  
  
 **Kaldur:** No, but thank you for thinking I am capable of violence.  
  
 **Zatanna:** anytime hun  
  
 **Kaldur:** Anyway, today I was walking to gym last period and saw, to my absolute HORROR, that a far larger and more sparkly poster had been hung directly next to one of mine.

**Roy:** Uh oh.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Was I the only one who didn’t know that Klarion was running for president as well????  
  
 **Megan:** Oh yeah I was wondering why his cufflinks looked shinier than usual lately  
  
 **Roy:** (College student here, who exactly is Klarion?)  
  
 **Raquel:** (Gay emo preppy kid who joined GSA this year but nobody likes him)  
  
 **Roy:** (Gotcha.)  
  
 **Dick:** Ew, that guy for president? No way. He’s like if a Christmas elf had a lovechild with Satan  
  
 **Wally:** he made a “your mom” joke to me once after I called him out for being a bitchlit during class and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that my mom left for milk once and still hasn’t come back yet  
  
 **Dick:** Did you check in the frozen foods section? It’s easy to get turned around in those places  
  
 **Wally:** gosh darn that’s a good idea  
  
 **Conner:** why are you so worried about the competition? even if you dont win the election its not like your life is over  
  
 **Kaldur:** It's the principle of the thing!! I am not letting that pasty, impish sophomore win MY presidential title.  
  
 **Dick:** Wow man you’re really getting heated up about this  
  
 **Dick:** I’ve never seen you talk bad about someone without phrasing it like a Canadian  
  
 **Kaldur:** Is it convincing? Tears are running down my face and I am getting dizzy from all of the emotion.  
  
 **Wally:** come on kaldur, you can beat that dude no problem. everyone loves you!  
  
 **Kaldur:** Love isn’t enough in a campaign like this. Have any of you seen Klarion’s Twitter page lately?  
  
 **Artemis:** I am going to respond to that question with another question:  
  
 **Artemis:** Kaldur knows what Twitter is????  
  
 **Roy:** I thought the only social media you used was a Facebook group for people who like olives.  
  
 **Kaldur:** I have a life outside of Olives Anonymous, you know.   
  
**Zatanna:** what’s on klarion’s twitter? i didn't see it because he said hi to me once in the hallway and his greasiness scared me so much i instinctively blocked him on everything 

**Kaldur:** He posted a photo of himself wearing a pink raincoat, rainbow boots, and a cowboy hat.   
  
**Conner:** ……..okay?   
  
**Kaldur:** IT GOT NINE THOUSAND LIKES!!!! HOW CAN I POSSIBLY COMPETE WITH THAT??  
  
 **Megan:** I'm confused  
  
 **Kaldur:** Come on, you're all Happy Harbor students. Everyone knows we are like a school full of bloodthirsty jackals who Fortnite dance in hallways and quote strange memes in academic essays.  
  
 **Wally:** that's.......a super accurate description actually   
  
**Kaldur:** If I want the students at this school to vote for me, I have to relate to them better than Klarion does, and I can’t do that if he keeps proving himself more hip than I am.   
  
**Dick:** The answer to your conundrum is obvious, Kal   
  
**Kaldur:** ?   
  
**Dick:** You need to amp your chaos levels to the absolute max   
  
**Dick:** Prove that you can be even more of a chaotic dumbass than that Klarion prick   
  
**Kaldur:** How do I do that?   
  
**Dick:** *swishes my chocolate milk around like fine wine* That depends. What is this information worth to you?   
  
**Kaldur:** Five dollars and a gum wrapper.   
  
**Dick:** Is there any gum in the wrapper?   
  
**Kaldur:** No, but I twisted the wrapper in the shape of a flower.  
  
**Dick:** Hmmmm  
  
**Dick:** I’ll take it!   
  
**Dick:** We will start your Presidential Idiot lessons tomorrow at high noon   
  
**Kaldur:** Why can’t we start today?   
  
**Dick:** Because I made plans to play ping pong with myself after school and I just can’t stand myself up again if I want this relationship to work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact! If you actually call that (646)-396-8703 number you'll hear a message from Gary from Legends of Tomorrow because this was the number John Constantine used in the show and I just thought it was funny.


	9. When Two Potatoes Fall in Love and Get Intimate.......Nothing Happens Because They Are ASEXUAL Ya Bigots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally turns eighteen, everyone has babies, and Roy finally confronts his mystery caller.

**Unknown Number > Roy Harper** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****05:34 EST**

**[Incoming call from: (646)-396-8703]  
  
**

**[Call rejected]** **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Dick > Wallman** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****05:57 EST**

**Dick:** hAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPPPPPPPPPPP  
  
 **Dick:** It’s ur fuckin BIRTHDAY dude what the FUCC  
  
 **Dick:** Time to mcfucking PARTY until we DIE  
  
 **Wallman:** I AM VERY ON BOARD WITH BOTH OF THOSE THINGS  
  
 **Dick:** EXCELLENT because I already wrote down a list of stuff you’re not allowed to do until you’re 18, so here is your mandatory to-do list for the day:  
  
 **Dick:** 1) Find a 90 year old sugar daddy and marry him because now you’re at the legal age of consent and can collect on that sweet sweet life insurance money  
  
 **Wallman:** easy peasy  
  
 **Dick:** 2) Buy a carton of cigarettes so you can hold them unlit in your mouth and explain its metaphorical meaning  
  
 **Wallman:** I’m so tired of reenacting that scene with pretzel rods  
  
 **Dick:** 3) Get an ass tattoo of a hedgehog  
  
 **Wallman:** bold of you to assume I don’t already have one  
  
 **Dick:** 4) Vote for someone to hold office  
  
 **Wallman:** does cap’n crunch count?  
  
 **Dick:** And finally…  
  
 **Dick:** 5) Get sued for arson  
  
 **Wallman:** super excited for that one  
  
 **Wallman:** this birthday is gonna be fucking awesome, aunt iris already promised me a cake made completely out of twinkies for tonight, PLUS bart woke me up at 4am with confetti bombs on the ceiling  
  
 **Wallman:** my first step into adulthood is going to be fucking WILD  
  
 **Dick:** HELL YEAHHHH  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****06:16 EST**

**Artemis:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY SLIGHTLY OLDER VERSION OF MY LOVEABLE BAYWATCH  
  
 **Artemis:** You’re old and senile now but that’s okay, I still love you anyway <3<3<3<3<3  
  
 **Baywatch:** thanks babe <3  
  
 **Artemis:** SO! I have a very important question for you Mr. Birthday Boy  
  
 **Artemis:** How long will it take you to get ready for school  
  
 **Baywatch:** like right now? maybe five minutes or so  
  
 **Baywatch:** why?  
  
 **Artemis:** Because I’m already halfway down your block and you need to be dressed and presentable if I’m going to be taking you to Bibbo’s Diner to eat cake for breakfast  
  
 **Baywatch:** oh my god  
  
 **Baywatch:** bABE  
  
 **Baywatch:** when you get here I'm going to kiss you so hard oh my god oh my god  
  
 **Artemis:** Get hopping Wallman, we’re on a tight schedule ;)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Megan > Wally** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****06:32 EST**

**Megan:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*＼(★^∀^★)／✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  
  
 **Wally:** THANKS MEGURT  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Zatanna > Waldo** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****06:39 EST**

**Zatanna:** hey  
  
 **Zatanna:** hey guess what  
  
 **Zatanna:** ur OLD  
  
 **Waldo:** INDEED I AM  
  
 **Zatanna:** as a super special gift, i put a spell on you last night so that every cheeseburger you eat today will taste like marshmallow fluff probably! ur welcome  
  
 **Waldo:** THANKS ZEE THAT’S SO SWEET magic isn’t real YOU’RE THE BEST!!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Roy > Ginger #1** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****06:46 EST**

**Roy:** Happy birthday Walls!! **  
****  
****Roy:** Did you get the present I sent you?  
  
 **Ginger #1:** oh, you mean the wonderful bulk pack of fake mustaches that arrived on my doorstep this morning like an orphaned baby?  
  
 **Ginger #1:** [image sent]  
  
 **Ginger #1:** does this answer your question  
  
 **Roy:** At least I know it’s being put to good use lmao.  
  
 **Roy:** Happy birthday man. <3  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****11:18 EST**

**Traci:** Give me a random fact I’ll wish I hadn’t learned GO  
  
 **Jaime:** Hugging a koala can give you chlamydia.  
  
 **Steph:** when ducks get bored, sometimes they’ll go find another duck’s eggs and eat them for funsies  
  
 **Bart:** *looks nervously at tim*  
  
 **Tim:** :|  
  
 **Cassie:** The sun will consume Earth in 7.5 billion years and there’s nothing we can do to stop it  
  
 **Ed:** Glue on postage stamps used to be made of toad mucus  
  
 **Garfield:** venom from a Japanese giant hornet can devour human flesh  
  
 **Traci:** Thanks guys, I can’t wait to not sleep tonight :)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****11:47 EST**

**Megan:** Behold!!!!  
  
 **Megan:** [image sent]  
  
 **Megan:** A child  
  
 **Conner:** she has my eyes <3  
  
 **Artemis:** I'm sorry, but my and Wally’s baby is the cutest in the whole world and that’s just a fact. Check it out and weep  
  
 **Artemis:** [image sent]  
  
 **Artemis:** He’s going to grow up and join the mafia one day as a private hitman, I’m so proud already  
  
 **Roy:** Why am I staring at sacks of flour in baby clothes.  
  
 **Wally:** watch your mouth man, those are our CHILDREN  
  
 **Wally:** his name is jai and he has clearly inherited arty’s stunningly good looks and my charming personality ;)  
  
 **Wally:** ♫ happy birthday to me, I am now a daddy ♫  
  
 **Wally:** hey artemis call me daddy  
  
 **Artemis:** Not on your life  
  
 **Wally:** but it’s my birthdayyyy  
  
 **Artemis:** No  
  
 **Wally:** dick?  
  
 **Dick:** Yes daddy?  
  
 **Wally:** :)  
  
 **Conner:** i think i just threw up in my mouth a little  
  
 **Raquel:** [image sent] **  
****  
****Raquel:** This is my son Babadook Boi and he’s getting into all the best preschools  
  
 **Dick:** The name was my idea  
  
 **Dick:** I always knew I was born to be a father, I already drew a mustache on my face in permanent marker so I can really nail the role  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** Zatanna and I also have offspring! Her name is Stacy and we gave her sunglasses so she can assert her dominance over the other babies.  
  
 **Megan:** What made you pick the name Stacy?  
  
 **Zatanna:** because i wanted to be stacy’s mom, duh. that song is my ringtone  
  
 **Kaldur:** Little Stacy was originally supposed to have a twin, but sadly she devoured it in the womb. My heart hangs heavy in the wake of this loss.  
  
 **Zatanna:** i knew i shouldn’t have watched all those walking dead episodes over these past nine months. i brought this tragedy upon myself  
  
 **Roy:** Now I’m even more confused. And slightly nauseated.  
  
 **Megan:** You didn’t do the flour baby project when you were a senior? You know, the one where you partner up with someone and take care of a fake baby for a week?  
  
 **Roy:** Yeahhh I kind of checked out mentally that entire year, so I don’t think I even bothered with going to health after the first day.  
  
 **Dick:** Tbh I’m just surprised we all managed to end up in the same health class this year  
  
 **Dick:** Whoever made that decision clearly had no idea what they were in for. We’re like hyperactive goblins but worse  
  
 **Artemis:** Amen to that  
  
 **Conner:** megan and i named our baby bobalina and shes the light of my life. i already have 37 pictures of her in my wallet so i can show them to people whenever im standing in line at a hot dog cart  
  
 **Roy:** You’re kidding.  
  
 **Artemis:** It won’t be easy going to school while still being a full-time mom, but knowing that I won’t be doing this alone has given me the strength to keep going until I reach my goals. For the sake of my son and my beloved husband  
  
 **Roy:** Please stop.  
  
 **Kaldur:** I never liked kids, but the birth of my daughter has changed my views completely and I plan to do everything I can to make sure she has a good life.  
  
 **Roy:** Why.  
  
 **Raquel:** I’ll be honest, I had my doubts when it came to motherhood. But staring into my child’s bright blue eyes has made me realize the true merit of the task I’ve undertaken, and at least I know that my completely heterosexual husband will have my back the whole way through this beautiful journey :)  
  
 **Roy:** That thing doesn’t even HAVE eyes.  
  
 **Dick:** Don’t talk about my son that way!!  
  
 **Wally:** speaking of…...dick, would you be the godfather of my son? :')  
  
 **Dick:** *gentle gasp*  
  
 **Dick:** Wally, I would be honored :’)  
  
 **Dick:** I wish I could extend the same honor to you, but sadly I’ve already picked Roy for little Babadook Boi’s godfather  
  
 **Wally:** why??? he doesn’t even LIKE kids  
  
 **Dick:** Because I was raised by a cold and distant man, so I think it’s only fair that my son gets the same treatment. And I know that with Roy, BB will grow up with just as much emotional neglect and professional distance as I did  
  
 **Roy:** This game of yours is ludicrous and you’ve all gotten way too attached to those flour bags to the point where I seriously worry about your mental health, but I appreciate the compliment.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Zatanna and I are taking Stacy to the park so she can socialize with the other children, would any of you like to come?  
  
 **Megan:** I don’t know...it’s kind of chilly today and I don’t want Bobalina getting sick :/  
  
 **Roy:** Your children!!! Are not real!!!  
  
 **Artemis:** Don’t talk about Jai that way Roy, it’s unfit behavior for an uncle  
  
 **Roy:** I’m not an uncle!!! You don’t have a real baby!!!  
  
 **Wally:** can you please stop yelling? you’re making the baby cry  
  
 **Roy:** Your baby is FLOUR. Your birthday cake is literally made of that fake kid’s powdered brethren.  
  
 **Wally:** YOU TAKE THAT BACK  
  
 **Artemis:** By the way Wally, I asked Cam if he can give us a lift home in his van after school since I don’t want the baby on my motorcycle at such a young age  
  
 **Wally:** oh yes I agree wholeheartedly, safety is always the number one priority when it comes to child-rearing, which is why I plan to babyproof every inch of your place so that our little jai will be safe and sound <3  
  
 **Artemis:** I knew I made the right decision when I chose you to father my spawn <3  
  
 **Roy:** This is giving me a headache. I need a goddamn Advil.  
  
 **Zatanna:** u know roy, maybe this negative attitude is why kaldur chose me to carry his child and not u. just saying  
  
 **Roy:** I am not having this conversation right now. You’ve all lost your minds.  
  
 **Dick:** Hey Raquel I’m texting Alfred so he can pick up some baby food, do you think our Babadook Boi would prefer mushed peas or sweet potatoes?  
  
 **Raquel:** Hmmm  
  
 **Raquel:** Go with both just in case he’s a picky eater  
  
 **Dick:** Excellent choice :)  
  
 **Roy:** You’re buying FOOD for your fake baby??  
  
 **Conner:** theres nothing fake about them, ive had to change bobalinas diaper four times today  
  
 **Conner:** its probably from all those cheetos ive been feeding her  
  
 **Wally:** bobalina is teething already? jai hasn’t even worked up to solid foods yet  
  
 **Roy:** This right here is why I’m so fucking glad I’m never having kids.  
  
 **Roy:** It makes you CRAZY.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****12:42 EST**

**Chamomile:** STORY TIME LADIES!!! **  
****  
****Chamomile:** i was sitting behind that girl leslie with the blue hair during study hall last period, and she was giving karen beecher shit for vaccinating her flour baby because apparently leslie and her girlfriend andy are anti-vaxxers and want their baby to die of measles  
  
 **Chamomile:** so i leaned over and sneezed in her face  
  
 **Lemonade:** You didn’t  
  
 **Chamomile:** i did  
  
 **Chamomile:** now baby stacy and i are sitting in the principal’s office :)  
  
 **Hot Chocolate:** You’re a hero  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Unknown Number > Roy Harper** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****15:30 EST**

  
  


**[Incoming call from: (646)-396-8703]**

**[Call rejected]**   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Iris > Wally** **  
****  
****Monday, November 11** **  
****16:16 EST**

**Iris:** Why are there so many bags of flour in Don and Dawn’s playpen???  
  
 **Wally:** well you see aunty dearest, me and the gays are watching some r-rated action movies in the basement and that’s no environment for a child, what with the violence and foul language and all that, so we were hoping you could watch the babies while we do dumb teenager stuff  
  
 **Iris:** I have no idea what any of that means, but because it’s your birthday I’m not going to ask  
  
 **Wally:** that’s fair  
  
 **Iris:** Are you kids going to be needing snacks down there? Bart is at Jaime’s house until 9:00 so I was thinking I'd order some pizza for dinner  
  
 **Iris:** I also made that weird “rockin twinks” cake you asked for, so you guys can dig into that whenever you’re ready  
  
 **Wally:** NOICE  
  
 **Wally:** you’re the best  
  
 **Iris:** Hell yeah I am  
  
 **Iris:** I’m lit  
  
 **Wally:** gfdghjk oh my GOD iris please don’t use teenager talk I’m begging you  
  
 **Iris:** Why not? I’m totally fleek  
  
 **Iris:** I’m the dopest aunt to ever yeet :^)  
  
 **Wally:** HGFDGHJK  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Bread** **  
****  
****Tuesday, November 12** **  
****01:21 EST**

**Rye Bread:** How did the party go?  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Good! We watched ninja movies and ate rockin’ twinks until we puked  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Literally, in Conner’s case  
  
 **Crouton:** Wally fell asleep with his head on my lap a little after everyone left, so it looks like I’m chilling here tonight  
  
 **Crouton:** I’ll swing home in the morning to get my school stuff and all that  
  
 **Crouton:** So like...five hours from now  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Wow, five whole hours of freedom. What do you plan on doing?  
  
 **Crouton:** Gonna learn to play the cello **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Dick > The Rock** **  
****  
****Tuesday, November 12** **  
****07:35 EST**

**Dick:** Do you think you can take Babadook Boi third period, darling? I have plans to play basketball with the fellas during gym  
  
 **The Rock:** But pumpkin, you know I have a chem lab that period. Didn’t you get my message?  
  
 **Dick:** You know I only listen to what I want to hear, honey  
  
 **The Rock:** How can we possibly expect this marriage to work if you don’t take your commitments seriously?  
  
 **Dick:** Oh, you’re worried about MY commitments? And what about that girl I saw you flirting with in the orchestra room this morning while poor BB was forced to sit there and watch his own mother’s infidelity?  
  
 **The Rock:** Well what was I supposed to do? I’m a woman with needs, and all you do lately is sit in the teacher’s lounge and get drunk on Danimals yogurt, leaving ME stuck at home with the baby all day  
  
 **Dick:** Oh, so this is MY fault? I’ve been taking extra shifts at the pop rocks factory to put food on the table, so god forbid I need a few hours to relax once in a while!  
  
 **The Rock:** Just admit it, you never even WANTED a baby in the first place  
  
 **Dick:** You know what? You’re right, I DIDN’T want a baby. I should be playing quarterfront for the NFL right now, but thanks to my busted knee and new obligations as a father, those dreams are dead  
  
 **The Rock:** You’re the one who forgot to use the fucking condom!!!  
  
 **Dick:** Don’t curse in front of the baby!!!  
  
 **The Rock:** He’s an infant, he doesn’t give a FUCK about my language  
  
 **The Rock:** And while we’re on the subject, I’m sure he also doesn’t care about that perky blonde SECRETARY with the PLASTIC BOOBS you’ve been seeing behind my BACK  
  
 **Dick:** YOU LEAVE CINDY OUT OF THIS!!!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Kaldur > Roy** **  
****  
****Wednesday, November 13** **  
****13:24 EST**

**Kaldur:** Do you think we can schedule our biweekly video chat for 10:00 tomorrow instead of 11:00? It is my turn with Stacy the next morning and I need to be well rested.  
  
 **Roy:** Yeahh about that, I actually can’t do tonight at all. Is it cool if we save it for Saturday?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Oh. That is fine.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Can I ask why you need to reschedule?  
  
 **Roy:** Nothing big, I just have a lot on my plate lately. I’ll catch you later, okay?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Okay.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
****  
****Thursday, November 14** **  
****16:16 EST**

**Megan:** I am officially divorcing the father of my child  
  
 **Artemis:** Uh oh  
  
 **Artemis:** What did he do this time  
  
 **Megan:** wELL,  
  
 **Megan:** So there I was, doing motherly duties at Conner’s house, when I suddenly remembered that I forgot to pick up my estrogen pills from the pharmacy  
  
 **Megan:** My titty skittles, if you will  
  
 **Wally:** I call mine titty skidaddles  
  
 **Megan:** So I, like a fool, figured that Bobalina would be safe with her father while I made a quick run to CVS which couldn't have taken more than ten minutes in all  
  
 **Raquel:** Godammit Conner, what did you do this time  
  
 **Conner:** i dont know why youre making such a big deal out of this megs, it wasnt even that bad  
  
 **Megan:** In what universe is putting your baby in a fireplace not a big deal????  
  
 **Dick:** Hgfghkj W H A T  
  
 **Conner:** it was only for a little while  
  
 **Megan:** YOU PUT!!!  
  
 **Megan:** OUR BABY!!!  
  
 **Megan:** IN THE FIREPLACE!!!  
  
 **Conner:** she ran away from me  
  
 **Conner:** couldve happened to anyone  
  
 **Megan:** There are SINGE MARKS on her onesie  
  
 **Conner:** look,,  
  
 **Conner:** everybody makes mistakes  
  
 **Conner:** everybody has those days  
  
 **Wally:** how do you not even notice your own fake baby is in the fireplace anyway???  
  
 **Megan:** He fell asleep watching Hello Megan reruns  
  
 **Conner:** what can i say? the laugh tracks are soothing  
  
 **Megan:** I want a divorce  
  
 **Conner:** okay but can i just say that bobalina is PERFECTLY fine and uninjured now, so i consider today an absolute win  
  
 **Zatanna:** if it helps u guys feel any better, my flour baby exploded today so i had to replace her with a gourd  
  
 **Kaldur:** I’m sorry _WHAT????_  
  
 **Kaldur:** _You MURDERED our baby???_  
  
 **Zatanna:** oh yeah, forgot i haven’t told u about that yet  
  
 **Zatanna:** i dropped her down seventeen flights of stairs while i was touring the smencil factory  
  
 **Wally:** did you bring back any smencils?  
  
 **Zatanna:** i smuggled three containers of tropical blast, bubblegum, and root beer out under my hoodie  
  
 **Wally:** NICE  
  
 **Kaldur:** I can’t believe you killed my daughter. The light of my life. My sole descendant. Now lying at the bottom of smencil stairs.  
  
 **Zatanna:** it’s okay kallie, our new gourd baby is just as good as his sister was i promise  
  
 **Zatanna:** i already named him señor poopus after his great uncle, señor poopus sr.  
  
 **Kaldur:** This is the saddest day of my entire life.  
  
 **Zatanna:** that’s the spirit!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Unknown Number > Roy Harper** **  
****  
****Thursday, November 14** **  
****20:00 EST  
  
**

**[Incoming call from: (646)-396-8703]**

**[Call rejected]**

* * *

  
  
**Roy > (646)-396-8703** **  
****  
****Thursday, November 14** **  
****20:19 EST**

**Roy:** What do you want, Jade?  
  
 **Contact added: Jade Nguyen**  
  
 **Jade:** It's about time. You haven’t been answering my calls  
  
 **Roy:** Well gee, I can’t imagine what the reason for that might be.  
  
 **Jade:** Look I know you’re pissed at me, and I probably deserve it  
  
 **Roy:** _Probably???_ Are you fucking kidding me?  
  
 **Roy:** You’ve been missing for two goddamn YEARS, Jade. Do you have any idea how many months I spent trying to get over you?? Convincing myself that it was somehow MY fault you left, because I wasn't good enough to deserve your love or something.  
  
 **Roy:** You tore my fucking HEART out, and now you think you can come strolling back into my life, just like that? Have you even told Artemis that you’re back in town yet?  
  
 **Jade:** It’s...on my list  
  
 **Roy:** Of course. Of COURSE she doesn’t know.  
  
 **Jade:** Cut me some slack Red, do you think it’s easy for me being back here? Especially after finding out it was all for nothing anyway since you’ve apparently jumped ship all the way to California  
  
 **Roy:** Are you seriously going to lecture me on jumping ship right now???  
  
 **Jade:** Believe it or not Roy, I didn’t come here to fight with you  
  
 **Roy:** Why come back at all? And why the HELL would you choose to contact me of all people before your own sister??  
  
 **Jade:** Because I have something I need to tell you, asshole  
  
 **Jade:** Something important that I didn’t want to tell you over text, but you’ve made it very clear that you’re not taking calls right now  
  
 **Roy:** …  
  
 **Roy:** I’m listening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Leslie and Andy are Livewire and Mist, by the way)


	10. Manatitties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally contemplates mermaid nutrition, Ed is a chronic procrastinator, and Artemis reconnects with Jade for the first time in two years.

**Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
****  
****Monday, November 18** **  
****09:54 EST**

**Wally:** I’ve just had a groundbreaking epiphany so bare with me here okay guys  
  
 **Raquel:** I think it’s “bear” in this context  
  
 **Megan:** That’s an animal  
  
 **Artemis:** No she’s right, it’s “bear with me” and I know this because I’m gonna be an englich mayjer  
  
 **Artemis:** “Bare” means naked  
  
 **Zatanna:** maybe wally was asking us to get naked with him, have u ever thought of that?  
  
 **Megan:** Wally, do you want us to get naked with you?  
  
 **Conner:** watching this discussion is draining my already half empty life force  
  
 **Raquel:** That’s so negative  
  
 **Raquel:** I think your life force is half full  
  
 **Conner:** thanks  
  
 **Raquel:** Now what was your great epiphany, Wally?  
  
 **Wally:** wELL,  
  
 **Wally:** consider, for a moment, our magical friends the mermaids  
  
 **Megan:** Always  
  
 **Wally:** And how pretty much every living thing needs water to survive, but mermaids live in the ocean and that water is undrinkable because salt dehydrates and all that  
  
 **Wally:** so they would need some other way to ingest liquids  
  
 **Dick:** They…..live in water  
  
 **Wally:** oh, so if I yeeted you into the ocean right now you’d be able to live there without drinking anything?  
  
 **Dick:** I mean. I think the sharks would get to me first before dehydration comes into play  
  
 **Dick:** And even if there weren't any sharks, I can't swim very well without my floaties so I'd go blub blub blub within minutes  
  
 **Wally:** everybody’s a critic  
  
 **Kaldur:** Also I am fairly certain the past tense of “yeet” is “yote”.  
  
 **Zatanna:** yeeten  
  
 **Artemis:** It’s yet because the past tense of meet is met, so yeet should become yet  
  
 **Dick:** Compromise: it’s yoten  
  
 **Wally:** next person to criticize my vocabulary is getting fed to the sharks  
  
 **Dick:** But I thought I was supposed to die of dehydration  
  
 **Megan:** If feed becomes fed, maybe yeet should be yed  
  
 **Raquel:** No because it would have to be “yeed” for that rule to apply  
  
 **Raquel:** Unless the past tense of “feet” were “fet” in which case yeah, the yeet thing could work  
  
 **Artemis:** There can’t be a past tense of “feet,” it’s not a verb  
  
 **Conner:** i thought feet was an adjective  
  
 **Kaldur:** No, it is a noun.  
  
 **Conner:** which one is that?  
  
 **Megan:** Nouns are things, adjectives are words used to describe the things  
  
 **Conner:** so then yeah, feet would be an adjective  
  
 **Artemis:** What backwards universe are you living in that uses “feet” as an adjective??  
  
 **Conner:** “you look very feet today”  
  
 **Artemis:** Is that a compliment or an insult  
  
 **Conner:** yes  
  
 **Wally:** neptune’s fucking BEARD you guys love tangents  
  
 **Kaldur:** And we are largely unashamed of it.  
  
 **Wally:** ANYWAYS  
  
 **Wally:** the merfolk need some kind of beverage to keep their skin hydrated and their blood pumping, right?  
  
 **Artemis:** I get the feeling you already have an answer to this question and that I’m not going to like it  
  
 **Wally:** and yet you’re listening anyway, which means I must be doing something right  
  
 **Wally:** so if the mermaids need hydration and seawater isn’t an option, then we need to start thinking about what other liquids they might have access to down there in the ocean with nothing but themselves and the sea creatures  
  
 **Zatanna:** “other liquids”?  
  
 **Zatanna:** i really really really don’t like where this is headed  
  
 **Zatanna:** i feel like 5 year old zatanna again, naively looking up sonic fanart and stumbling across some awfully confusing and frightening websites that make me question everything i thought i knew about hedgehogs  
  
 **Wally:** get your head out of the gutter child, I’m not talking about dirty stuff  
  
 **Zatanna:** hmmm  
  
 **Zatanna:** i trust u  
  
 **Zatanna:** but with hesitation  
  
 **Wally:** good  
  
 **Wally:** because my train of thought was that manatees are mammals and mammals produce milk, which would be the perfect solution except it’s the ocean so putting milk in cups wouldn’t work and THEREFORE………..  
  
 **Wally:** they drink the milk straight from the manatitties goodnight  
  
 **Dick:** FGHFGHJJNHGFH  
  
 **Zatanna:** THAT’S SO MUCH WORSE  
  
 **Artemis:** I knew I was going to hate the answer and I was right  
  
 **Raquel:** THAT SENTENCE IS BURNING MY RETINAS AND SEARING MY BRAIN  
  
 **Megan:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY VAMPIRE MERMAIDS, THIS IS NOT THE OUTCOME I WAS EXPECTING  
  
 **Kaldur:** ………I think he makes a good point.  
  
 **Raquel:** No he doesn’t  
  
 **Kaldur:** There are no cups in the ocean.  
  
 **Raquel:** I don’t care  
  
 **Kaldur:** They need to hydrate somehow.  
  
 **Raquel:** Yeah well, I'm already deep into the process of deleting this entire conversation from my consciousness so I might live my life in blissful ignorance that it ever happened  
  
 **Wally:** you’re just jealous you didn’t come up with the idea first, and I'm sorry but we have no interest in your sour grapes here  
  
 **Wally:** conner, tell her where she can stick her grapes  
  
 **Conner:** IN THE FRIDGE  
  
 **Wally:** NO  
 **  
** **  
**

* * *

 **  
****  
****Dick > Bruce** **  
****  
****Monday, November 18** **  
****12:37 EST**

**Dick:** Can I go skydiving?  
  
 **Bruce:** No.  
  
 **Dick:** Please?  
  
 **Bruce:** No.  
  
 **Dick:** How is jumping out of a plane with a parachute any more dangerous than doing trapeze without a net?  
  
 **Bruce:** It is FAR more dangerous and you’re not doing it on my watch. Not until you’re eighteen and I’m dead because that is the only way you will ever be able to attempt skydiving without getting grounded for life and locked inside one of those giant bubbles that protective parents lock their children inside so they're safe from the outside world.  
  
 **Dick:** You hear that? It’s the sound of my heart breaking into a zillion tiny pieces  
  
 **Bruce:** You’ll live.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Zee** **  
****  
****Monday, November 18** **  
****16:58 EST**

**Artemis:** H E L P   
  
**Artemis:** 911 EMERGENCY EMERGENCY, CODE RED I NEED BACKUP  
  
 **Zee:** what’s up??  
  
 **Zee:** don’t say cowpocalypse  
  
 **Artemis:** My sister is back  
  
 **Zee:** ur sister?  
  
 **Artemis:** Yep  
  
 **Zee:** wait like  
  
 **Zee:** ur SISTER sister?  
  
 **Artemis:** YES  
  
 **Z** **ee:** i thought she ran away???  
  
 **Artemis:** She did. Now she’s back apparently and I have never been less traught in my entire goddamn life  
  
 **Artemis:** I came home from school today and found her waiting outside on my porch so I panicked and fled into the woods and hid there for a few hours until she went away and then I saw that she left a note on the door telling me she wants to “talk” and where to meet her for lunch on Thursday and now I’m stress-eating canned corn HELP ME  
  
 **Zee:** wow  
  
 **Zee:** that’s a whole lot to unpack  
  
 **Artemis:** WHAT DO I DO???  
  
 **Zee:** well that depends  
  
 **Zee:** do u want to see her?  
  
 **Artemis:** How should I know?? The last time I talked to Jade was an argument the night she packed up and bailed on everyone who cared about her, so it's safe to say that my sense of logic took one look at this shitshow and flew to Hawaii for a vacation until further notice  
  
 **Zee:** did she say anything about why she picked now to come back?  
  
 **Artemis:** Nope. I tried contacting Roy but he won’t answer his phone like the bastard he is  
  
 **Artemis:** And as much as I want to know what the hell happened and why she’s here, I also want her to go back to wherever she came from and stay there forever  
  
 **Artemis:** Is that horrible of me?  
  
 **Zee:** not at all  
  
 **Zee:** listen, i’m not going to tell u what to do because i have a feeling u already know the answer, u just don’t want to admit it to urself  
  
 **Zee:** but it sounds to me like u both need closure, and she’s here, so u might as well take advantage of it. what if this is the last time u ever see her? and as much as u resent her right now, ur going to regret if u let this chance to reconnect with ur sister pass by without taking it  
  
 **Artemis:** Ughhhhhh  
  
 **Artemis:** I hate it when you’re the rational one  
  
 **Zee:** i know :)  
  
  


* * *

**Dick > Ray Hooker  
  
  
  
** **Monday, November 18  
17:21 EST**

  
  
**Dick:** Dude!!!!  
  
 **Dick:** You broke our 398 day Snapchat streak!!!!!  
  
 **Dick:** Somewhere in heaven, the soul of our poor little streak is crying on an angel's shoulder and wondering why his fathers didn't want him to live anymore  
  
 **Dick:** It's okay though, I'll slip into the Snapchat mainframe tomorrow and bring our streak back with my mighty hacking skills so it's all good  
  
 **Dick:**..........  
  
 **Dick:** Roy?  
  
 **Dick:** Helloooooooooooooo  
  
 **Dick:** Wow I sure do love talking to myself

* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Monday, November 18** **  
****17:45 EST**

**Ed:** I need help  
  
 **Cassie:** Does it involve a swimming pool?  
  
 **Ed:** No  
  
 **Cassie:** Then I can’t help you  
  
 **Ed:**???  
  
 **Ed:** What does that even mean  
  
 **Cassie:** Sorry I gotta go, there are swimming pools that need me  
  
 _ **Cassie Sandsmark is now offline.**_  
  
 **Ed:** That was weird  
  
 **Garfield:** what’s up Ed?  
  
 **Ed:** It’s kind of a long story  
  
 **Ed:** So you already know that my dad can be kind of...overbearing at times  
  
 **Jaime:** I’ll say. You never stop talking about it.  
  
 **Ed:** Thanks so much for pointing that out  
  
 **Jaime:** Anytime, buddy. :)  
  
 **Ed:** Anyway  
  
 **Ed:** He’s been on my ass lately about volunteering and stuff so colleges think I’m a catch even though I'm only a sophomore but whatever, so I signed up for this program making lanyards for sick kids in Canada  
  
 **Violet:** Let me guess, you forgot to do it until now?  
  
 **Ed:** I have an entire fucking box of multi-colored yarn that needs to be made into lanyards by morning  
  
 **Violet:** =^o !!!  
  
 **Violet:** That is not good.  
  
 **Ed:** No, no it’s not  
  
 **Ed:** Which is why I was wondering if any of you lovely and philanthropic individuals would come over and help me out? Pretty please? Pretty pretty please with rainbow sprinkles on top?  
  
 **Garfield:** sorry dude, I’ve got a drama club audition tonight. we’re doing Mean Girls the musical and I want to be Gretchen Weiners  
  
 **Ed:** Tim?  
  
 **Tim:** karate practice, sorry ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
 **Steph:** and i have to help him with karate practice **  
** **  
** **Ed:** That’s a lie  
  
 **Steph:** sorry ed i’m going into a tunnel,,,,,,,you’re breaking up,,,,,,  
  
 **Ed:** Never in my life have I ever felt so betrayed by my own friends  
  
 **Ed:** My dearest pals  
  
 **Ed:** Mis amigos  
  
 **Ed:** I thought what we had was special  
  
 **Jaime:** Sorry ese, I’d offer to help you out but my sister has a recital tonight.  
  
 **Ed:** What about you, Vi? Want to help little ol’ me with my problem?  
  
 **Violet:** I'm sorry Eduardo, but my friend Harper and I are going to “shoot hoops” at the beach and I was instructed to bring the juice boxes. =(  
  
 **Ed:** Welp, it looks like I’m fucked  
  
 **Bart:** stay whelmed ed, I’ll help you out  
  
 **Ed:** Wait really? You mean it?  
  
 **Bart:** sure, I’ve got nothing better to do tonight anyway  
  
 **Bart:** wally’s having his friend zatanna over and all they do is watch harry potter and t-pose at each other in the living room, so really you’re saving me here  
  
 **Ed:** OH MY GOD THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU  
  
 **Ed:** You’re a lifesaver, dude  
  
 **Ed:** I'll owe you BIG TIME for this  
  
 **Bart:** don't worry about it  
  
 **Bart:** though now that you mention it :) I wouldn't say no to some cotton candy for my trouble :) perhaps :)  
  
 **Ed:** Coming right up, hermano  
  
 **Bart:** SWEET  
  
 **Bart:** literally  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
****  
****Tuesday, November 19** **  
****04:23 EST**

**Wally:** remembering the alamo < remembering that sam and freddie got together on icarly  
  
 **Dick:** Idk man, I’ve always been partial to remembering the titans  
  
 **Megan:** Wally, are you really watching iCarly at 4:00AM on a school night?  
  
 **Wally:** you bet your pastel cardigan I am  
  
 **Megan:** Huh  
  
 **Megan:** Can I come watch with you?  
  
 **Wally:** hell yeah, get over here megalodon I’ve got soft pretzels  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
****  
****Tuesday, November 19** **  
****08:32 EST**

**Megan:** Just finished sending in my college applications!!! I feel accomplished and slightly anxious  
  
 **Artemis:** Oh yeah I did that last week  
  
 **Artemis:** It’s so stressful  
  
 **Wally:** same, I sent in my stanford application yesterday and have been getting ready to panic over it ever since  
  
 **Kaldur:** Just the Stanford one? What other colleges have you applied to?  
  
 **Wally:** oh that was it  
  
 **Kaldur:** That was...it?  
  
 **Wally:** yup  
  
 **Wally:** I put all of my eggs in one basket and that basket is stanford  
  
 **Dick:** Huh  
  
 **Artemis:** Wally are you serious??? You didn’t apply to any other schools???  
  
 **Wally:** no? besides stanford has always been my dream school, it’s not like I’d want to go anywhere else  
  
 **Kaldur:** But what if you don’t get in?  
  
 **Wally:** that’s what the preemptive panicking is for of course, my dear fishy friend  
  
 **Megan:** Oh boy  
  
 **Dick:** Don’t worry Walls, I’m sure you’ll get in no sweat  
  
 **Dick:** Your SAT score was like a billion, plus you’ve got a track championship in your back pocket  
  
 **Dick:** You’ll be fine  
  
 **Wally:** thanks man  
  
 **Dick:** And now, because I am a caring bastard, I must ask this:  
  
 **Dick:** Conner? Kon? Conrad? Have you done your college apps yet?  
  
 **Conner:** ….  
  
 **Conner:** im working on it  
  
 **Dick:** Deadlines are coming up soon  
  
 **Dick:** It might be a good idea to start making plans for your future and all that  
  
 **Conner:** i know. ill get to it  
  
 **Megan:** It’s okay Conner, you still have time to think before making any solid decisions. This is your future and you’re the only one who is in charge of it :)  
  
 **Conner:** yeah  
  
 **Artemis:** Not gonna lie, the application stuff took twice as long as it should have for me because I was originally going to call up Roy and have him help me out since he’s a Professional Adult and all, but he’s gone off the grid  
  
 **Artemis:** So that’s inconvenient  
  
 **Wally:** come to think of it, I haven’t heard from him in a while either  
  
 **Kaldur:** Roy told me the other day that he has just been busy with schoolwork. I think he has begun studying for his finals early.  
  
 **Megan:** Good for him! I’m glad he’s doing okay  
  
 **Kaldur:** Yes, he's perfectly fine.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Wally > Blondie** **  
****  
****Tuesday, November 19** **  
****10:10 EST**

**Wally:** hey beautiful, how are you holding up?  
  
 **Blondie:** Don’t tell me you heard about it already  
  
 **Wally:** what can I say? gossip travels fast in these parts  
  
 **Wally:** so are you going to hear jade out? or if you’d rather take the violent approach, I have a box of thumbtacks in my desk drawer  
  
 **Wally:** whatever you decide to do, I’m behind you all the way  
  
 **Blondie:** Thanks  
  
 **Blondie:** I think I’m going to do the lunch thing and see what happens  
  
 **Wally:** you are?  
  
 **Blondie:** Yeah  
  
 **Blondie:** After all it can’t hurt, right? She went AWOL for two years so she must have come back for a good reason  
  
 **Blondie:** Don't get me wrong, I’m still mad at her obviously  
  
 **Blondie:** She bailed on her family and left Roy a wreck and made me grow up without her and I have a right to be pissed at her  
  
 **Blondie:** But you know  
  
 **Blondie:** At the same time...  
  
 **Wally:** you miss your sister  
  
 **Wally:** I get it  
  
 **Blondie:** Yeah  
  
 **Blondie:** Besides, who knows? Maybe she did something cool while she was gone like got a job as Rob Lowe’s assistant or became an international assassin  
  
 **Wally:** or an accountant!  
  
 **Blondie:** …  
  
 **Wally:** :)  
  
 **Blondie:** Fine, sure. Or an accountant  
  
 **Wally:** heck yeah  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
****  
****Wednesday, November 20** **  
****08:12 EST**

**Kaldur:** I must admit that at first, I had my doubts when it came to Dick’s campaign strategy. But as of yesterday I am steadily climbing towards first place in the presidential polls, so it looks like his idea of becoming “one wild-ass motherfucker” is working.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Though I am not above considering that my success may in part be due to the fact that I am black, bisexual, and moderately beautiful.  
  
 **Zatanna:** “moderately”  
  
 **Zatanna:** that’s like saying brendon urie is an okay singer  
  
 **Kaldur:** And to bolster my chances even more, I have put up posters announcing my idea for a reverse petting zoo during prom and even came to school without shoes today.  
  
 **Megan:** But you can’t just not wear shoes to school, that’s against the rules!  
  
 **Kaldur:** So? I’m a senior.  
  
 **Kaldur:** What will they do, fire me?  
  
 **Dick:** Oh god  
  
 **Dick:** I’ve created a monster **  
****  
****Kaldur:** Sorry folks, but I must get to class. Klarion sits at my lab table and I need to make sure he sees my shoelessness for the display of dominance that it is.  
  
 **Zatanna:** nothing but respect for MY student body president  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
****  
****Thursday, November 21** **  
****18:47 EST**

**Artemis:** Good news! **  
****  
****Artemis:** Roy fucked my sister and now I need therapy  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
****  
****Thursday, November 21** **  
****19:21 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey  
  
 **Artemis:** So...I talked to Jade today  
  
 **Artemis:** If it helps, I had no idea about any of this. If I’d known about the pregnancy when she left I would have told you, I swear  
  
 **Artemis:** You had a right to know about your own kid  
  
 **Artemis:** Jade said the two of them have been living in DC all this time and are going back in a couple days. I have her address if you want it  
  
 **Artemis:** I met her, you know. Lian  
  
 **Artemis:** She’s cute  
  
 **Artemis:** Her hair is a little darker than yours and she’s only a year and a half old so she can’t talk much yet, but she knows the classic “mama” and “juice” stuff  
  
 **Artemis:** Jade said she told you everything a week ago? I kinda wish you’d said something, but I get that you needed some time to process  
  
 **Artemis:**...Roy?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Roy > Douchebag Psimon** **  
****  
****Thursday, November 21** **  
****19:57 EST**

**Roy:** I want to buy some weed.  
  
 **Douchebag Psimon:** Well color me impressed, Harper. I've never seen you go harder than tequila  
  
 **Roy:** I didn’t ask for a history lesson. Do you have the stuff or not?  
  
 **Douchebag Psimon:** Someone’s crabby tonight  
  
 **Douchebag Psimon:** Yeah I’ve got it, but it’s going to cost you  
  
 **Roy:** I don’t care, I’ll pay whatever you want.  
  
 **Douchebag Psimon:** Works for me. How much do you want?  
  
 **Roy:** All of it.  
  
 **Roy:** I’ll take everything you’ve got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehheheheheheehehehe 
> 
> I'm turning Roy Harper's life into an absolute shitshow :)


	11. Fuck You, Devil Horns Kid (but not teekle, he's a pleasure to have in class)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis teaches Wally how to drive, the presidential race comes to a close, and the folks celebrate Thanksgiving! Except for Roy. He's still having a bad time so he doesn't get to have Thanksgiving.

**Klarion > That Dick Kid** **  
** **  
** **Friday, November 22** **  
** **11:11 EST**

**Klarion:** do u have the spanish homework   
  
**That Dick Kid:** How did you get this number?   
  
**Klarion:** saw it written on a bathroom stall   
  
**Klarion:** do u have it?   
  
**That Dick Kid:** No   
  
**Klarion:** yes u do   
  
**That Dick Kid:** How do you know that?   
  
**Klarion:** spied on u doing it during study hall yesterday   
  
**That Dick Kid:** You can’t copy it   
  
**Klarion:** >:0   
  
**Klarion:** stop bullying me uwu   
  
**That Dick Kid:** Please delete my number   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
** **  
** **Friday, November 22** **  
** **12:29 EST**

**Lemonade:** fghjkI think my phone is jhGJKjg broken  
  
 **Hot Chocolate:** What happened to it?  
  
 **Lemonade:** fdfghbjnkmj Nothing!  
  
 **Lemonade:** kjhgfgh565jhg654jh  
  
 **Lemonade:** Just hjk455kj54k dropped it in a bowl of rtyuioiuyt pudding  
  
 **One Black Coffee:** That seems pretty broken to me  
  
 **Chamomile:** nac i evah ru dlo enohp nehw u teg eht wen eno?  
  
 **One Black Coffee:** Great, you too. Why are everyone’s phones breaking today??  
  
 **Hot Chocolate:** Technological apocalypse  
  
 **Chamomile:** looc ru stej, m’i tsuj gniyrt gnihtemos wen  
  
 **Lemonade:** Fhgfghjk Why? jhgfhjk  
  
 **Chamomile:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ tlef ekil ti  
  
 **Lemonade:** Fun! Gfghj65r43k55k35j  
  
 **One Black Coffee:** I hang out with weird people  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
** **  
** **Friday, November 22** **  
** **14:39 EST**

**Raquel:** Why don’t cucumbers have feelings?   
  
**Conner:** they do   
  
**Kaldur:** No they don’t, who told you that?   
  
**Conner:** maybe i just have more empathy than you do   
  
**Megan:** Raquel, I don’t understand the question   
  
**Raquel:** The question is why can’t cucumbers feel things? Or zucchinis for that matter. They’re alive, so by that logic they should be able to think and feel things right?   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m no botanist, but I don’t think that’s how it works.   
  
**Wally:** It’s because plants don’t have nociceptors or brains so that’s why they can’t feel anything, literally or figuratively   
  
**Raquel:** Thank you oh wise and scientific Wallman   
  
**Wally:** You’re welcome   
  
**Artemis:** (I’m typing this for him by the way, so he only gets 75% of the credit)   
  
**Wally:** I’m a dork   
  
**Artemis:** *gasp* You heard it here first folks!!   
  
**Conner:** did he break his other arm or something?   
  
**Artemis:** Nah, I’m teaching him how to drive so he’s not allowed to use his phone at the wheel   
  
**Wally:** Oh boy I sure do love Artemis Crock, she’s the best girlfriend in the whole world and I’m so happy to have her in my life   
  
**Artemis:** Well thank you Wally, that’s so nice of you!   
  
**Wally:** I’m also grateful that she’s teaching me how to drive even though I should have learned how to do it a long time ago but I’m a coward and had to be physically shoved into the driver’s seat because I was scared   
  
**Artemis:** Wow you’re being so truthful today Wally!!   
  
**Dick:** Yeahhhh I’m not going to stick around and listen to Artemis talk to herself for however long this lasts   
  
**Wally:** My name is Wally West and I just drove into a trash can :) Looks like my girlfriend is going to die halfway through the windshield at this rate :) **  
** **  
** **Megan:** That bad, huh?   
  
**Artemis:** He won’t stop swerving like a drunk person and keeps going like 20 miles over the speed limit. I’m holding on for dear life here   
  
**Zatanna:** lkjhgfd   
  
**Kaldur:** It was nice knowing you, Artemis.   
  
**Artemis:** I’m pretty sure the speed bump we just drove over in the school zone was a child   
  
**Megan:** We support you Wally!!! Tell him I said that   
  
**Artemis:** “Tell Megan I love her so big and she’s the friendshippiest support figure I never knew I needed”   
  
**Artemis:** He said that right before he sneezed and ran a stop sign   
  
**Dick:** Great job Mis, now I’m dragged into this nonsense   
  
**Kaldur:** ?   
  
**Dick:** “Tell everyone that she’s spreading lies and I’m a fabulous driver”   
  
**Artemis:** Tell Wally to stop talking to you because using the phone while driving is illegal in the state of everywhere   
  
**Dick:** 1) Tell him yourself, he’s right next to you   
  
**Dick:** 2) He says it’s not illegal if it’s on speakerphone and he’s not even touching the phone, so in conclusion, you’re a demon   
  
**Dick:** Okay he didn’t say that last part   
  
**Dick:** “Tell everyone I’m great at this and one day I’ll become a famous racecar driver”   
  
**Dick:** Wally is a reckless driver and this is why he’s destined to run everywhere he goes like Forrest Gump   
  
**Zatanna:** racecar delleps sdrawkcab si racecar   
  
**Dick:** “Artemis is bullying me and doesn’t trust me to keep her safe in this giant metal machine”   
  
**Artemis:** If he wanted a nicer driving teacher, he should have had Roy do it   
  
**Raquel:** Roy lives at the other end of the country   
  
**Artemis:** I didn’t say it was a fair deal   
  
**Kaldur:** Speaking of, has anyone spoken to Roy lately? I keep calling him but it goes straight to voicemail.   
  
**Zatanna:** emas, i detnaw ot llet mih tuoba eht ytterp elttil srail nosaes elanif tub i kniht sih enohp si ffo   
  
**Dick:** Was that english??   
  
**Raquel:** Ignore her, she’s trying new things   
  
**Dick:** Hmmmm   
  
**Dick:** Teews, I tnaw ni   
  
**Zatanna:** i wenk ti dluow emoceb a dnert (:   
  
**Kaldur:** Sigh.   
  
**Megan:** Roy is just off the map because he’s busy with school, right?   
  
**Kaldur:** That was what I thought, but now I’m not so sure.   
  
**Artemis:** Yeah, uh   
  
**Artemis:** I’m pretty sure I know what his deal is   
  
**Dick:** Do tell, ex-demoness   
  
**Artemis:** It’s not really my story to tell   
  
**Dick:** “Please tell the story or I’ll drive us into a tree”   
  
**Dick:** I think that’s a threat   
  
**Artemis:** The car is parked, Wally stop lying to him   
  
**Wally:** I could still turn it back on   
  
**Raquel:** Spill the tea Artemis, what happened to Roy?   
  
**Artemis:** Don’t worry, he’s not hurt or in trouble or anything   
  
**Artemis:** Just taken by surprise, I think   
  
**Conner:** okay? totally not worried now   
  
**Artemis:** So you guys already know my sister came back to town for a while. And she kind of had some crazy news that I’m still processing myself, so I can’t imagine what it must be like for Roy right now   
  
**Kaldur:** What happened?   
  
**Artemis:** He...sort of has a kid   
  
**Wally:** wait WHAT   
  
**Artemis:** And by “sort of” I mean he definitely has a kid and her name is Lian and Roy is her father but Jade ran away as soon as she found out she was pregnant two years ago so Roy never knew about her and he only found out recently and it’s been radio silence from him since   
  
**Megan:** :o   
  
**Dick:** Holy shit   
  
**Artemis:** Yep   
  
**Dick:** Holy SHIT   
  
**Raquel:** Dude are you joking??   
  
**Artemis:** Nope   
  
**Artemis:** I met her the other day. Trust me, she’s definitely his   
  
**Kaldur:** Oh my god.   
  
**Conner:** i thought you were going to tell us he inherited some money or uncovered a hundred year old murder mystery or something cool like that, holy fucking SHIT   
  
**Kaldur:** What was Roy’s reaction? Is he happy? Is he upset? Is he going to meet her? What’s going to happen now?   
  
**Artemis:** No idea on any of the above   
  
**Artemis:** I think he just needs some time to think, but I’m starting to get a little worried? He’s not good with bombshells like this   
  
**Artemis:** He was a disaster for weeks when Jade left the first time, so her resurfacing is already hard enough without finding out he’s had a kid all this time and never even knew she existed   
  
**Artemis:** It makes me nervous he’s going to go off the deep end all over again   
  
**Conner:** roy always bounces back eventually, he probably just needs space   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes, probably.   
  
**Raquel:** I still can’t believe it though   
  
**Raquel:** Roy with a human child   
  
**Megan:** It’s crazy   
  
**Raquel:** I don’t even know how airports work, and Roy has already got a living, breathing kid. It’s so weird and grown up   
  
**Wally:** I’ll say   
  
**Wally:** I can hardly imagine our roy with a baby; it’s like imagining darth vader having kids   
  
**Dick:** Wally,,   
  
**Dick:** I don’t know how to tell you this, but Darth Vader does have kids   
  
**Wally:** yeah but only in spirit   
  
**Zatanna:** tahw seod taht neve naem?   
  
**Wally:** come on, can you imagine sith lord darth vader changing a diaper? or dropping leia off at daycare?   
  
**Wally:** there’s a difference between “having a kid” and  _ “having a kid,” _ and roy harper falls on the darth vader end of the spectrum   
  
**Wally:** not to say that he CAN’T raise a kid   
  
**Wally:** he definitely could, I’m just saying it’s boggling my brain and turning it into tubby custard because I once watched him struggle to change a lightbulb for half an hour   
  
**Megan:** Yeah, it is kind of hard to imagine Roy with a baby   
  
**Megan:** But I’m sure he can handle it, right?   
  
**Kaldur:** Of course he can. Roy will be fine.   
  
**Kaldur:** He just needs time.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass**   
  
**Sunday, November 24** **  
** **21:04 EST**

**Steph:** sooooooo what are everyone’s thanksgiving plans?   
  
**Steph:** because i’m happy to announce that my agenda includes sitting around the table with my litter of guinea pigs and sharing a single corn muffin between all six of us   
  
**Steph:** it’s the highlight of my year   
  
**Jaime:** My Thanksgiving dinners usually involve fighting over wishbones and chugging down cider while pretending it’s alcohol.    
  
**Jaime:** It’s great.   
  
**Bart:** wally and I always compete to see who can steal the most food before the platters make it to the table. it’s a long-standing tradition that involves stealth and often getting smacked with wooden spoons   
  
**Ed:** Super ready to sit across from my dad at a silent table and eat turkey microwave dinners while he works on his laptop and I read a comic book and we make no eye contact whatsoever. Gonna be crash   
  
**Violet:** I am very excited for my first American Thanksgiving! While I don’t quite understand why we celebrate it, I like the food part. =D   
  
**Garfield:** yeahhhhh the history behind the holiday is kinda fucked up and built on racism and genocide, so we choose to focus on the togetherness aspect of it instead   
  
**Traci:** You know, it’s funny how you never realize a lot of the messed up things we do until someone else points it out. Really makes you question the point of nationalism and all that   
  
**Violet:** Oh it’s not all bad! I have made a lot of friends in America, so I count that part as a very good win.   
  
**Violet:** Although it wasn’t fun a few weeks ago when my friend Brion took me to play paintball and a man there asked me if it reminded me of getting shot at in my home country.   
  
**Cassie:** Oh my god???? What the fuck is wrong with people holy shit   
  
**Violet:** It’s okay, Brion shot him in the neck with a ball of paint and we got kicked out. That part was fun.   
  
**Jaime:** Hate to say it, but I feel you Violet. I can’t tell you how many times people have pulled out one of those stupid “build the wall” jokes on me, thinking they were being funny. And as much as I know it’s best to let it roll off you and not get confrontational, it’s hard not to take it personally.   
  
**Cassie:** That’s why it’s good to have trusty friends who aren’t afraid to go track those racist assholes down   
  
**Tim:** Hecc yeah, give me theǐr names and addresses and i’ll deştroy their credit scores   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, November 26** **  
** **10:11 EST**

**Kaldur:** Help, I’m falling behind in the presidential polls!!! D:   
  
**Raquel:** How?? I thought you had it in the bag after you announced your plan to plant carrots in the courtyard so bunnies would visit and turn us into a Snow White school   
  
**Kaldur:** So did I!!   
  
**Kaldur:** Apparently Klarion brought his cat to school today, which has swayed an awful lot of people to his side. It was so cute,  _ I  _ nearly voted for him.   
  
**Conner:** how much longer do you have until the polls are closed?   
  
**Kaldur:** The final ballots will be cast tomorrow at the end of the school day.   
  
**Artemis:** Hmmm   
  
**Artemis:** Then if you’re going to win this thing, we need to start thinking outside of the box   
  
**Artemis:** We need to get wild. Take the voters’ attention by force. No more waiting around for them to vote for you on their own   
  
**Raquel:** You could...bring a pony to school?   
  
**Kaldur:** Good idea, but I think it needs to be something original.   
  
**Conner:** take a bath in glitter glue?   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m allergic.   
  
**Raquel:** Pool party in the basement?   
  
**Kaldur:** Too many spiders floating around in the pool.   
  
**Artemis:** WAIT I’VE GOT IT   
  
**Artemis:** Does Dick still have that key to the school he had made last winter?   
  
**Kaldur:** I believe so, why?   
  
**Artemis:** I need you all to meet me behind the school building at midnight and bring as much bubble wrap as you can carry   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Kaldur** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, November 27** **  
** **07:24 EST**

**Dick:** You’re kidding me   
  
**Kaldur:** :)   
  
**Dick:** You covered every single hallway in the school building in bubble wrap   
  
**Kaldur:** Are you proud of me?   
  
**Dick:** Kaldur...I have never been prouder of anyone in my entire life. And I have three younger siblings   
  
**Dick:** The torch has truly been passed on to you, grasshopper :’)   
  
**Kaldur:** I learned from the best.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, November 27** **  
** **14:25 EST**

**Wally:** HELL YEAHHHHHHH   
  
**Raquel:** GET READY TO PARTY Y’ALL, STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT IN THE HOUSE!!!!!   
  
**Zatanna:** M’I OS DUORP FO UOY EILLAK!!!!!   
  
**Dick:** FINALLY A PRESIDENT I CAN TRUST   
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you, thank you.   
  
**Kaldur:** But you know I am not technically president until they announce it to the rest of the student body the morning we come back from break, right?   
  
**Artemis:** So? Dude you beat that dickwad Klarion, won your rightful title, and we’re fucking PROUD of you   
  
**Raquel:** This is a victory that deserves to be COMMEMORATED   
  
**Megan:** I propose we all go to Denny’s and celebrate with pancakes and root beer floats until we pass out!!   
  
**Wally:** YES   
  
**Wally:** a perfect pre-thanksgiving feast to celebrate the reign of happy harbor’s greatest student body president yet   
  
**Raquel:** Wait I can’t remember now, who was the last one?   
  
**Conner:** remember that guy tommy terror from last year? i think he was president for two months until he got expelled for steroid use   
  
**Dick:** Huh   
  
**Dick:** Anyways PANCAKES AND ROOT BEER, LET’S GO!!!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Roy** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, November 27** **  
** **16:30 EST**

**Kaldur:** So...I won the presidency. It won’t be easy juggling my student body president responsibilities with leading GSA and being captain of the swim team, but at least it will look good on my Yale application.   
  
**Kaldur:** Roy? Are you there?   
  
**Kaldur:** ...Artemis told us about your daughter. Have you met her yet?    
  
**Kaldur:** I understand if you need space to sort through everything, but just know that you have people who care about you, okay? And I know you must be shocked and confused, but having a child isn’t the end of the world. Far from it, actually.   
  
**Kaldur:** I have to go, Wally is drinking strawberry syrup and I need to take a video.   
  
**Kaldur:** Call me when you get the chance, okay? I love you.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Garfield > Megan!!!** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, November 27** **  
** **18:20 EST** **  
** **  
** **Garfield:** I just saw Conner’s car pull up, I thought you guys were supposed to be out celebrating the president thing?   
  
**Megan!!!:** We were  
  
 **Megan!!!:** We got kicked out of Denny’s for causing a “public disturbance” :)   
  
**Megan!!!:** Also Artemis ate all of the salt packets and the manager had to cut her off after 200   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, November 28** **  
** **08:08 EST**

**Bartemis:** THANKY HAPPSGIVING!!!!!!   
  
**Bartemis:** I’m hungry   
  
**Bartemis:** hey should I have waffles for breakfast or a triple bacon sandwich?   
  
**Bartemis:** …...   
  
**Bartemis:** you’re right, the answer is obviously both   
  
**Conner:** why am i still in this group chat?   
  
**Casserole:** Because we like you   
  
**Conner:** hmmm   
  
**Conner Kent has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Casserole:** Nope **  
** **  
** **Casserole has added Conner Kent to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Conner:** stop that **  
**   
**Conner Kent has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Bartemis has added Conner Kent to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Conner Kent has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Bartemis has added Conner Kent to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Bartemis:** sorry bud, no escape **  
** **  
** **Conner:** darn it   
  
**Timber:** døes anyone want to come to my house today? Alfred made thirty pies añd we have a yearly tradition of throwing them āt Jason until he dies and/or retaliates with lethal forcǝ   
  
**Bartemis:** oooooooh   
  
**Casserole:** Your family is really weird, you know that?   
  
**Timber:** What ŷou call weird, i call an average từesday night   
  
**Bartemis:** but today’s thursday   
  
**Timber:** says the goṽernment   
  
**Bartemis:** :O you’re right   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dinah > Roy** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, November 28** **  
** **12:34 EST**

**Dinah:** What time is your plane getting in? Oliver made his famous chili so I need an ally to hold a united front if I’m going to survive the night  
  
 **Roy:** Actually I decided I’m staying up here for Thanksgiving this year. Sorry.  
  
 **Dinah:** Are you serious? When did this happen?  
  
 **Roy:** Yeah. I got a job on campus and it gets really busy this time of year, so I figured I’d stay here and make some extra cash.  
  
 **Dinah:** You never told us about any job  
  
 **Roy:** Just started yesterday. Plus I’ve got a ton of assignments to do for my classes too. It’s best if I just stay up here for the break.  
  
 **Dinah:** Aw, I was looking forward to seeing you. :( But if you’re sure about this, then at least I’ll see you during the winter break  
  
 **Dinah:** Just don’t go spreading yourself too thin, okay? And call home more often, you’ve been slacking lately. We’re getting worried about you all on your own at college  
  
 **Roy:** I’m fine. Talk to you later.  
  
 **Dinah:** Happy Thanksgiving honey!! <3  
  
 **Roy:** Yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Government agent:** *punches me in the face* Do it
> 
> **Me:** Never
> 
> **Government agent:** Let these characters be happy for once in their goddamn lives
> 
> **Me:** *spits in their face* Fuck you


	12. Elves Workin' the Pole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally finally gets his cast off, the freshmen discuss pickles, and Conner wants to do something nice for Megan.

**Group Chat: Fuck Ya Chicken Strips** **  
****  
****Sunday, December 1** **  
****08:32 EST**

**Dick has renamed the group:** ** _Elves Workin’ the Pole_** **  
** **  
** **Dick:** Ahhh I love the sweet smell of December :) Can’t wait for Christmas time when those slutty slutty elves come thrusting down my chimney :)  
  
 **Kaldur:** Every single part of that sentence makes me want to die.  
  
 **Artemis:** How long have you been waiting to bust out that one Dickhead?  
  
 **Dick:** Since April :)  
  
 **Wally:** dick can you please not be a hoe for once in your life there are children here  
  
 **Dick:** Sorry, it’s in the name. Gotta be a whore five times daily or my kidneys will fail  
  
 **Zatanna:** happy hanukkah month everyone!!! who needs mistletoe and giant fat men when u have fuckin CANDLES  
  
 **Artemis:** I celebrate Beebo Day and Beebo Day only. Gonna get me some socks  
  
 **Megan:** I can’t wait to hang ornaments and tinsel in my locker tomorrow!! Also can’t wait for Christmas cookie palooza, during which all of you can expect to be bombarded with multitudes of freshly baked cookies, courtesy of moi  
  
 **Wally:** my locker is gonna have hearts and tiny babies with love arrows unlike you schmucks  
  
 **Raquel:** A wonderful choice. I’m decorating mine with shamrocks and gold coins  
  
 **Kaldur:** I plan to create a jack o’ lantern shrine along with a wreath of plastic vampire teeth.  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m going to perform a satanic ritual and turn myself into a giant Beebo-style Voltron so I can pillage and plunder all who dare to cross me  
  
 **Wally:** I think that’s really sexy of you  
  
 **Artemis:** Thanks  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah well I plan to buy fifty of those Elf On The Shelf toys and place them in random spots all around my house like an Easter egg hunt except this version of the game has no winners  
  
 **Wally:** you’ve heard of elf on the shelf, now get ready for: shelf on the elf™  
  
 **Dick:** You’ve heard of shelf on the elf, now get ready for maul-y of the Wally  
  
 **Wally:** is that a threat  
  
 **Dick:** Yes  
  
 **Artemis:** You’ve heard of maul-y of the Wally, now get ready for brick on the Dick  
  
 **Megan:** You’ve heard of brick on the Dick, now get ready for departure of the archer  
  
 **Dick:** That one was DEFINITELY a threat  
  
 **Zatanna:** u’ve heard of departure of the archer, now get ready for rotten egg on the hotten meg  
  
 **Conner:** youve heard of rotten egg on the hotten meg, now get ready for hot tea on the thot zee  
  
 **Kaldur:** You have heard of hot tea on the thot Zee, now get ready for cold dishonor on the swol Conner.  
  
 **Conner:** now i know how zuko feels  
  
 **Raquel:** You’ve heard of cold dishonor on the swol Conner, now get ready for murder of the Kaldur  
  
 **Wally:** I love how this started as a fun rhyme game and escalated to us straight up threatening each other with bodily harm  
  
 **Megan:** I wish I could say I’m surprised  
  
 **Artemis:** Amen to that  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Kaldur > Roy** **  
****  
****Monday, December 2** **  
****06:27 EST**

**Kaldur:** Do you remember that red shirt I wore for my birthday party? The one that you stole like a thieving boyfriend raccoon while I was in the pool? Did you happen to take that to college with you? I can’t find it.  
  
 **Kaldur:** It is my first official day as student body president and I want to look Fancy so my peers respect my altogether-meaningless-but-important-to-me authority.  
  
 **Kaldur:** …  
  
 **Kaldur:** I guess you are too busy to talk again?  
  
 **Kaldur:** That’s okay. I will just wear the green one then.  
  
 **Kaldur:** In case you are reading this, I miss talking to you. A lot. And I know you are still processing the news about Lian which is more than fair, but it has been a long time since I’ve heard your voice and I am starting to get worried.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Please contact me soon so I know you are okay. Please.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Conner > Raquel** **  
****  
****Wednesday, December 4** **  
****13:11 EST**

**Conner:** i need help  
  
 **Raquel:** Last time you said that we ended up locked in a shipping crate behind Bed Bath & Beyond  
  
 **Conner:** for the last time it _looked_ like a real treasure map. i dont see how im still the one at fault for that debacle  
  
 **Raquel:** Uh huh  
  
 **Raquel:** Anyway my going rate for shenanigans is steep these days for all but those who are pure of heart, so choose wisely  
  
 **Conner:** i want to do something for megan  
  
 **Conner:** shes been really stressed out lately about college and cheerleading and stuff, so i want to do something that will make her happy  
  
 **Raquel:** Awwwwwww you loveable big lug  
  
 **Raquel:** How do I fit into this plan?  
  
 **Conner:** well i wanted to bake her something because she loves sweets but usually has to make them on her own, except im a disaster in the kitchen and will definitely burn everything if im left unsupervised  
  
 **Raquel:** Gotcha, I’ve got plenty of recipes for cookies and cakes if that’s what you’re looking for  
  
 **Conner:** i have no idea to be honest? megan doesnt eat animal products so it has to be something vegan, and i also want it to be something she hasnt made before  
  
 **Raquel:** We could make uhhhhhhh chocolate mousse?  
  
 **Conner:** that word is weird and i dont know how to pronounce it so hard pass  
  
 **Raquel:** It’s pronounced like moose  
  
 **Conner:** yeah but its spelled like it should be mouse  
  
 **Raquel:** Um  
  
 **Raquel:** Okay  
  
 **Raquel:** What about monkey bread?  
  
 **Conner:** i hate monkeys  
  
 **Raquel:** You know that monkey bread isn’t actually…you know what? Never mind  
  
 **Raquel:** What about lemon squares? They’re fairly easy to make and aren’t as boring as other desserts  
  
 **Conner:** that could work  
  
 **Conner:** are you free after school? if you meet me in the parking lot we can go shopping for supplies and start baking at my house  
  
 **Raquel:** Sounds good to me, captain!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, December 4** **  
** **16:01 EST** **  
** **  
** **Lemonade:** [image sent]  
  
 **Lemonade:** Conner made me lemon squares!!!  
  
 **Lemonade:** I feel so loved <333  
  
 **Chamomile:** huh. lemon squares for miss lemonade  
  
 **Chamomile:** fitting!  
  
  


* * *

 **  
****  
****Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
****  
****Thursday, December 5** **  
****11:07 EST**

**Wally:** YOOOOOOOOOOOO CHECK IT OUT!!!  
  
 **Wally:** [image sent]  
  
 **Wally:** I AM ONCE AGAIN FREE AND CASTLESS  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** You should keep the cast and glue it to someone else’s arm while they’re sleeping  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** Circle of life  
  
 **Wally:** my wrist has been itchy for days and now I can finally scratch it and feel that sweet sweet relief, hallelujah praise jesus  
  
 **Wally:** sucks though that Barry is making me go back to school now because I have a test eighth period BUT he stopped and got me a burrito so it’s an acceptable trade  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** NOICE  
  
 **Wally:** I nearly forgot what it was like to have a right arm, it’s wild  
  
 **Wally:** finally I can write letters to my gay lover across the lake again without being hindered by my inability to use my right hand  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** So...drawing Lenny faces on Artemis’ homework?  
  
 **Wally:** exactly  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Thursday, December 5** **  
****12:49 EST**

**Artemis:** Wally **  
****  
****Artemis:** Are you the one who drew Lenny faces all over my calculus homework?

 **Baywatch:** ‘twas to celebrate my newly unbroken arm  
  
 **Artemis:** Ah  
  
 **Artemis:** Congratulations on your newfound freedom babe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Baywatch:** thanks ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Baywatch:** plus, all the better for hand-holding!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Friday, December 6** **  
****10:25 EST**

**Garfield:** why are pickles the only pickled food we call pickles?  
  
 **Cassie:** Elaborate  
  
 **Garfield:** well there are pickled peppers, pickled artichokes, pickled cabbage, pickled eggs, and a bunch of other pickled things  
  
 **Garfield:** yet pickled cucumbers are the only ones that get to be called pickles and I think that’s unfair  
  
 **Tim:** Which begs the question, what ëlse can be pickled?  
  
 **Violet:** I do not think that is the question he was asking.  
  
 **Tim:** ño, but it’s the qúestion we needed  
  
 **Tim:** for example: oysters. To pickle or nøt to pickle?  
  
 **Steph:** ooooh what about pickled candy canes. a festive and nauseating treat  
  
 **Ed:** Pickled crab cakes  
  
 **Bart:** pickled marshmallow peeps hell yeah  
  
 **Garfield:** pickled french fries  
  
 **Cassie:** I am begging you all to stop before I lose my appetite  
  
 **Tim:** You didn’t alreådy lose it at pickled cabbaġe?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
****  
****Saturday, December 7** **  
****17:22 EST**

**Wally:** Quick I have the hiccups, someone scare me  
  
 **Zatanna:** in 1977, earth received a radio transmission from space that lasted over a minute and to this day no one has any idea where it came from  
  
 **Megan:** You have a statistically higher chance of finding a dead body under your bed than in your garbage can  
  
 **Dick:** Your brain can sense when someone is staring at you, so think about that whenever you wake up in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason  
  
 **Zatanna:** the average person walks past 16 serial killers in their lifetime  
  
 **Dick:** Kissing someone can spread over 80 million new bacteria to your mouth  
  
 **Zatanna:** today might be the anniversary of the day u die years from now, but you’ll never know for sure  
  
 **Wally:** jesus christ I said scare me, not scar me for life what the fuck guys  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Megan > Conner <3** **  
****  
****Saturday, December 7** **  
****20:43 EST**

**Megan:** Are you dying?  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i dont think so  
  
 **Megan:** Am I dying?  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i hope not  
  
 **Megan:** Are you planning to break up with me?  
  
 **Conner <3: ** definitely not  
  
 **Conner <3: ** whats wrong?  
  
 **Megan:** I don’t know, you’ve just been acting weird lately and it's messing up my brain  
  
 **Megan:** You keep buying me presents and opening doors for me and telling me you love me every time we see each other  
  
 **Megan:** And today with the lemon squares, which was very sweet and I appreciated it so much, but it gives me a bad feeling at the same time  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i love you. isnt that reason enough?  
  
 **Megan:** I love you too! But I can’t stop wondering if there’s something more you’re not telling me  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i really cant sneak anything past you huh  
  
 **Megan:** So...there is something wrong?  
  
 **Conner <3: ** not wrong exactly  
  
 **Conner <3: ** just  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i dont know  
  
 **Megan:** Whatever it is, you can tell me  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i know  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i just... i feel bad  
  
 **Megan:** About what?  
  
 **Conner <3: ** you know. what you said on halloween when we were all stuck in detention  
  
 **Conner <3: ** about how your family reacted when you came out to them as transgender  
  
 **Megan:** Oh  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i havent been able to stop thinking about it. every time i look at you i remember how deeply they hurt you and it takes all of my self control to keep from punching a wall  
  
 **Megan:** I’m sorry, I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I didn’t mean to upset you  
  
 **Conner <3: ** no its not that, im glad you told me  
  
 **Conner <3: ** its just that now whenever i think about someone hurting you, especially your own parents who are supposed to love you no matter what, all i want is to make sure no one can ever hurt you like that again  
  
 **Conner <3: ** and i know youre strong and that you can handle yourself, but seeing you smile makes me happier than anything in the world  
  
 **Conner <3: ** so im just...trying to make that happen i guess  
  
 **Megan:** Aww honey that’s so sweet  
  
 **Megan:** But you know you don’t have to do that, right? I’m happy with my life and as flattered as I am that you care so much, I really don’t need any extra coddling  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i know. it just gives me some peace of mind knowing that you get to be yourself and wont ever have to live that way again. you dont deserve to live your life worrying about hiding who you are  
  
 **Conner <3: ** …...are you still there? you havent said anything in a couple minutes  
  
 **Megan:** Yeah, sorry. I’m trying to find a way to phrase this next part that won’t sound crazy  
  
 **Conner <3: ** what is it?  
  
 **Megan:** Just...let me talk for a second and don’t interrupt until I’m finished, okay?  
  
 **Conner <3: ** okay  
  
 **Megan:** So...the stuff I went through when I first came out. My parents telling me they can’t love someone so “misguided” and that I’m just confused, my siblings still referring to me by my deadname even to this day, getting kicked out of my own house, all of that was horrible. That whole time all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and die  
  
 **Megan:** But now whenever I look back on that time and think about what I had to go through in order to get to where I am now, I feel kind of...grateful for it? And I know that that’s wrong and I shouldn’t be grateful that my own family rejected me for wanting my outsides to reflect who I am on the inside  
  
 **Megan:** But without all of those experiences, who knows what kind of a person I would be right now? I knew my parents would react badly to hearing that I was a girl, but if I hadn’t done that then I would still be closeted and hiding sparkly hair clips and fashion magazines under my mattress  
  
 **Megan:** And if they hadn’t kicked me out and made me feel like an unloved freak, would I still have as much empathy for others as I do now?  
  
 **Megan:** And I know you’re saying yes in your head right now because a few experiences can’t change my personality so drastically, but I still wonder about it  
  
 **Megan:** I remember what it took for me to get here and I always end up coming to the same conclusion: that my family’s abuse was what made me the kind of person who can accept people for who they are unconditionally and who can love without fear and who does everything she can to be a good person because I want to make sure no one else has to endure what I did  
  
 **Megan:** Then I start to realize how unfair that is, b ecause why is the rule that you have to suffer to be a good person? Why can’t I understand others’ hurt until I’ve been hurt myself? And why can’t I find a new family in my friends until I’ve already been ridiculed by my own flesh and blood?  
  
 **Megan:** It just makes me wonder a lot if I have the right to be upset at my family when they might very well be the reason I'm not some closeted, insecure bitch who only cares about herself  
  
 **Megan:** ...You can talk now  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i dont really know what to say  
  
 **Megan:** Sorry. I didn't mean to get so angsty on you, but I’ve been wanting to say it for a while  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i get it  
  
 **Conner <3: ** and for the record, i dont think experiencing hardship is what made you a good person  
  
 **Conner <3: ** you were always a good person from the start, and even if youd had an accepting family or decided to come out later in life i dont think that would change even if you werent dealt such a shitty deck. look at my dad: he grew up with an abusive father and still became a selfish billionaire who cant even remember to send his son a birthday present without an assistant there to remind him. and even if he hed grown up just as rich and happy as he is now, i dont think that would change  
  
 **Megan:** So you don’t think pain is what shapes a person’s future?  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i think it does, but in a different way than youre thinking. i think pain is just a part of life that tests a persons limits. you can either let it crush you or make you stronger, and your pain made you strong enough to understand everyone elses pain too  
  
 **Conner <3: ** you were born good, but you were made strong  
  
 **Conner <3: ** …...was that okay? i feel like that sounded less dorky in my head  
  
 **Megan:** Yeah  
  
 **Megan:** Yeah, it was more than okay  
  
 **Megan:** Sorry I don’t know why I’m crying, I just  
  
 **Megan:** Thank you  
  
 **Conner <3: ** i love you. and ill never stop  
  
 **Megan:** Ditto  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Roy > Douchebag Psimon** **  
****  
****Sunday, December 8** **  
****16:16 EST**

**Roy:** Dude this pot you gave me isn’t working anymore. Have you got anything harder?  
  
 **Douchebag Psimon:** that depends. how hardcore do you want to get?  
  
 **Roy:** I don’t care.  
  
 **Roy:** Whatever you have that will let me forget everything for five goddamn seconds.  
  
 **Douchebag Psimon:** I can do that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how's everyone doing in quarantine? 😎 I haven't left my house in days, am procrastinating on what is undoubtedly a mountain of college assignments, and started bingeing the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series (again) yesterday because my little brothers have apparently never watched it and that is a CRIME.


	13. Don't Be a Couch Just Be a Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally encounters a transphobe, Jaime is sleep-deprived, and it's time for Dick's sweet sixteen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings: discussions of gender dysphoria and transphobia**

**Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole**   
  
**Monday, December 9**   
**09:24 EST**

**Megan:** If you were in ATLA what kind of bender would you be? Because I’d be an airbender  
  
 **Artemis:** Doesn’t that mean you’d also be extinct?   
  
**Megan:** dOeSn’T tHaT mEaN yOu’D aLsO bE eXtiNCt  
  
 **Artemis:** Somehow that hurt more than any insult you could've dished out   
  
**Raquel:** Hey I'd also an airbender!! I was born to fly   
  
**Artemis:** I’m an earthbender, and just gonna throw it out there that Roy would be a firebender which he could just tell you himself if only he’d fucking TALK TO US   
  
**Artemis:** Not that I’m salty or anything   
  
**Dick:** I’m an airbender too hell yeah   
  
**Wally:** lmao you three are all extinct   
  
**Conner:** im an earthbender because i once cracked a brick wall with my head  
  
 **Dick:** Did it hurt?  
  
 **Conner:** yes   
  
**Kaldur:** Waterbender for me!   
  
**Wally:** I’m a firebender, but more specifically the kind who can bend lightning because it’s fucking awesome and so am I   
  
**Zatanna:** i want to be the avatar!!   
  
**Dick:** You can’t choose to be the avatar Zee, being the avatar chooses you   
  
**Dick:** Besides, you’d be a waterbender and that’s just the hot leaf juice   
  
**Wally:** thanks iroh   
  
**Zatanna:** i can be a waterbender and be the avatar at the same time u stale toenail   
  
**Zatanna:** also i only know like. the bare minimum of all this lore because i’ve never actually seen the show before and don’t entirely know what it’s about so please be gentle i’m just trying my best™   
  
**Wally:** oh? :) you’ve never seen the show you say? :)   
  
**Wally:** that’s okay :) we can give you a quick and breezy rundown :)   
  
**Kaldur:** Oh no. Now you have done it, Zee.   
  
**Megan:** Dang flabbit Zatanna   
  
**Zatanna:** what? what did i do?   
  
**Conner:** here it comes  
  
 **Dick:** Goddammit   
  
**Wally:** WATER   
  
**Wally:** EARTH   
  
**Wally:** FIRE   
  
**Wally:** AIR   
  
**Wally:** long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. tHEN, EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED   
  
**Dick:** Settle in folks, this is gonna take a while   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Megan **   
  
**Monday, December 9**   
**14:33 EST**

**Conner:** saw a snail today…. effervescent  
  
 **Megan:** Has Zatanna been teaching you memes again?   
  
**Conner:** perhaps   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie **   
  
**Tuesday, December 10**   
**11:55 EST**

**Wally:** good morning my beautiful spitfire, I am feeling DYSPHORIA in this chili’s how's your day goin  
  
 **Blondie:** Uh oh   
  
**Wally:** yes, ‘tis quite uh oh   
  
**Blondie:** Did something happen?   
  
**Wally:** in fair verona where we lay our scene...   
  
**Wally:** me: *is showing off my snazzy new learner’s permit like an absolute boss*   
  
**Wally:** douchebag whose name I shall leave out but his name is tommy terror: “wait why does it say female?”   
  
**Wally:** me: “uhhh I’m trans and the place said they won’t change it until I get the surgery”   
  
**Wally:** douchebag who likes making wallmen cry: “oh so you’re a chick”   
  
**Wally:** “no I’m a dude”   
  
**Wally:** “yeah :) but what’s :) in your pants” :)   
  
**Wally:** “gender :) is something :) you’re born with” :)   
  
**Wally:** and...ze piece de resistance...   
  
**Wally:** “this generation has turned being trans into a trend, you’re just a high schooler you’ll probably end up changing your mind later on anyway” :) :) :) :) :)   
  
**Blondie:** Yikes. Are you okay?   
  
**Wally:** who the heck knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ on the one hand I’ve dealt with this kind of shit enough by now that it doesn’t hurt as bad as it used to, which I think counts as progress   
  
**Wally:** but on the other hand I lowkey want to hide out in the gsa room for the rest of the school day and not talk to anyone and do nothing but cry and maybe examine the nutritional benefits of bleach so yeet   
  
**Blondie:** Okay well it’s a hard no on the bleach thing, but I don’t think Mr. Adams will notice if I skip out on his class for one day   
  
**Blondie:** What do you say we hang out in the GSA room during 7th period? I’ll get some snacks from the vending machine and if you want you can borrow my sweatshirt for the rest of the day, it’s super big and baggy so it might help you feel better   
  
**Wally:** okay   
  
**Artemis:** And for the record, that guy was an asshole. You have the right to feel comfortable in your own body regardless of what other people say because it’s not about them, it’s about you   
  
**Wally:** can I ask you a question though? and feel free not to answer because I’m probably just being stupid but I can’t stop wondering about it   
  
**Blondie:** What is it?   
  
**Wally:** okay so let’s say for argument’s sake that you weren’t bisexual, you were just a regular straight girl who only liked dudes and no other gender   
  
**Wally:** would you still be attracted to me?  
  
 **Wally:** or would it be the kind of thing where even though I’m a man I’ve still got the “wrong parts” and therefore you’d see me as more of a gal pal than a romantic conquest because you’d have no attraction towards women and I’m NOT a woman but also if you were just looking at me without knowing my pronouns and if I wasn’t dressing as masculine it would be hard to mistake it and you’d write me off as a chick and not like me anymore because you woudlnt’ be romantically attracted to anyone who isn’t a hardcore born-this-way male and I know this is just me freakifg out for no reason but I can’t stop thinking about it because you like both guys and girls and I’m a guy but there are so many goddamn fucking assholes in the world who don’t think so and one time someone asked if we were in a lesbian relationship and that made me so fuckin mad because i know I like to joke that we’re gay for each other becuase it’s funny and also I call any attraction I feel gay because I’m like that but at the same time I’m worried people will read more into it than they should because if we were in another universe you wouldn’t even look twice at me because you’d want a “real” man and would think I”m just some kid playing pretend and   
  
**Wally:** I’m gonna stop now because I thikn I’m spiraling a little but like. yeah   
  
**Blondie:** Babe, take a deep breath. It’s okay   
  
**Blondie:** And of course I’d still be attracted to you, me being bi has nothing to do with that. Even if I didn’t like girls it wouldn’t matter because I’d still like YOU   
  
**Blondie:** There hasn’t been a single moment since the day I met you that I thought of you even slightly as a girl. Ever   
  
**Blondie:** Besides, who the fuck cares if you don’t have the “right parts” or whatever?  
  
 **Wally:** me. other people. straight girls who used to flirt back when I'd flirt with them but then would do a complete 180 when they saw the trans flag pin on my backpack  
  
 **Blondie:** I don't know how to break this to you dude you’re fucking HOT and FUN and COOL and every time we go somewhere I have to be on high alert because other people (including all those capital-S straight™ girls) keep checking you out and I’m like that squirrel from Ice Age with the nut where if anyone even looks at my nut I’ll throttle them because I won it fair and square so ha   
  
**Blondie:** You’re my hot, masculine nut boyfriend and I love you. So fuck you for suggesting that could ever not be true   
  
**Wally:** did you really just compare me to an acorn   
  
**Blondie:** Yep   
  
**Blondie:** Moral of the story is don’t think about it too hard, kay? I like men just as much as I like women, and you’re a man so congrats! I dig ya   
  
**Wally:** are you sure?   
  
**Blondie:** Very sure. Super sure. More sure than Einstein was when he discovered the moon   
  
**Wally:** I know you said that on purpose to be funny, but honestly holding myself back from correcting it is gonna make me pop a blood vessel   
  
**Blondie:** Meet me in the basement after the bell rings if you want snacks and sweatshirts and kisses   
  
**Wally:** and cuddles?   
  
**Blondie:** Cuddles? In THIS economy? Sounds scandalous   
  
**Wally:** pwease I’m sad today and I need my girlfriend's love to revive me uwu   
  
**Blondie:** For that you’ve lost all cuddle privileges for a week goodnight   
  
**Wally:** no!!!   
  
**Blondie:** Sorry I don’t cuddle with furry fucks   
  
**Wally:** what about a single cuddle. just one cuddle for your sad and uncomfortable boyfriend   
  
**Blondie:** Hmmm I’ll have to mull it over   
  
**Blondie:** Here’s my condition: you have to love yourself at least 100% more by the time I get there   
  
**Wally:** you drive a hard bargain miss crock   
  
**Wally:** do I get bonus points if I also pull up an episode of the office on my phone for us to watch? cuddles AND a show   
  
**Blondie:** Sounds like a plan Wallman ;)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole**   
  
**Wednesday, December 11**   
**08:08 EST**

**Dick:** ALRIGHT FOLKS IT’S RALLYING TIME SO GET READY TO BE RALLIED  
  
 **Artemis:** I refuse to be rallied   
  
**Dick:** TOO BAD BECAUSE IT’S RALLYING TIME SO YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER   
  
**Artemis:** Drat. Fuck this dictatorship   
  
**Megan:** I think you mean DICKtatorship   
  
**Wally:** HA   
  
**Raquel:** Do we need to be physically present for the rallying? Because I’m playing Uno with some dweebs in my english class and I really want to win this thing   
  
**Conner:** shouldnt you be doing classwork?   
  
**Raquel:** Nah   
  
**Kaldur:** I am confused, why are we being rallied? Are you going to execute us?   
  
**Dick:** Don’t worry Kalcium, that’s scheduled for April   
  
**Dick:** I just need to know who’s coming to my sweet sixteen on Saturday for party hat reasons   
  
**Wally:** it’s an SSS! saturday sweet sixteen   
  
**Zatanna:** what about an SSSS: saltines saturday sweet sixteen   
  
**Zatanna:** it’s like a regular sweet sixteen but with crackers   
  
**Artemis:** An excellent suggestion, but may I propose a better one:   
  
**Artemis:** SSSSS: saltines saturday sweet sixteen with SHRIMPS   
  
**Wally:** like the food?   
  
**Artemis:** No they’re alive   
  
**Artemis:** They’re the party guests   
  
**Wally:** ah of course   
  
**Megan:** I’m DEFINITELY coming to the party!!!! Wouldn’t miss it for the world   
  
**Dick:** Megan you’re such a sweetheart I wanna fucking marry you   
  
**Megan:** Sorry darling but our love is forbidden, Conner has already seized my hand and we are scheduled to be wed   
  
**Dick:** I’ll fight him at dawn. Swords and nunchucks only. No shirts   
  
**Conner:** please dont im sensitive   
  
**Kaldur:** You can count me in as well!   
  
**Kaldur:** On the party, that is.   
  
**Kaldur:** I want no part in your weird shirtless man fighting.   
  
**Wally:** I’m not coming because bruce yelled at me last week for replacing all of his pens with tootsie pops   
  
**Zatanna:** why would u do that?   
  
**Wally:** if I had a nickel for every time I thought about my actions before acting on them I’d have no nickels   
  
**Dick:** What if I promise to provide celery sticks dipped in cake frosting?   
  
**Wally:** I would sooner die than miss out on your party   
  
**Zatanna:** i think dying would already make u miss out though? so either way no partying for u   
  
**Raquel:** I’ll be there!! It’s been too long since I listened to one of Alfred’s war stories while he fed me cookies   
  
**Conner:** same i like parties   
  
**Conner:** also the number 16   
  
**Artemis:** How come?   
  
**Conner:** its so perfect. 2x2x2x2. its symmetry at its finest   
  
**Artemis:** Fair enough   
  
**Artemis:** Who else is coming? I want to know how weird I’m allowed to be ‘cause the scale varies greatly depending on who I’m with   
  
**Dick:** Bette, Barbara, Donna, Steph, my siblings, and hopefully Roy   
  
**Megan:** He still hasn’t spoken to you yet?   
  
**Dick:** Total radio silence :/   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m sure he will be there. He wouldn’t dare pass on such an important day.   
  
**Dick:** Yeah   
  
**Dick:** Yeah definitely. I mean we’ve been talking about this party since September, he wouldn’t miss it right?   
  
**Megan:** Of course not! He probably just forgot to RSVP or something   
  
**Dick:** Yeah that's probably it   
  
**Raquel:** Anyways what’s the party going to be like? Last year you had a ten-tier rainbow cake and a slug petting zoo so I’m expecting good things from this one   
  
**Dick:** The theme is dicks :)   
  
**Megan:** I’m,   
  
**Megan:** I’m sorry wh at   
  
**Wally:** p please say sike..   
  
**Dick:** :)   
  
**Dick:** More specifically Dick Van Dyke   
  
**Dick:** So you have to show up dressed as either a lookalike of yours truly, a giant car, or a lesbian   
  
**Conner:** sometimes i wish i knew how your brain worked   
  
**Conner:** then you say something like that and it makes me grateful that i dont know   
  
**Dick:** Thanks buddy   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Megalicious **   
  
**Wednesday, December 11**   
**17:22 EST**

**Wally:** are you made of copper and tellurium?  
  
 **Wally:** BECAUSE YOU’RE CuTe :D   
  
**Megan:** (◕ ワ ◕✿)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass**   
  
**Thursday, December 12**   
**10:09 EST**

**Jaime:** Yo fellas. What the heckening FUCK is that thing called??  
  
 **Garfield:** ah yes….that thing…...which I definitely know of……   
  
**Bart:** it’s called a television   
  
**Jaime:** No it’s not.   
  
**Bart:** it’s called apple juice   
  
**Jaime:** No.   
  
**Bart:** hey man I’m just over here doing my fucking best   
  
**Jaime:** Come on guys, you know the thing??? It’s like a shovel????   
  
**Steph:** uhhhhhh is it a shovel   
  
**Jaime:** NO.   
  
**Jaime:** It goes with the fucking. The brush thing.   
  
**Jaime:** Escroba. That thing.   
  
**Jaime:** I can’t remember the english word for it because my brain is fried on account of I didn’t sleep last night because I was watching skateboarding videos until 2am and then Betty Crocker cake-decorating videos from 2007 until suddenly it was morning and I missed the bus.   
  
**Cassie:** Our dearest Jaime is UNHINGED folks!!!   
  
**Jaime:** Only until I find out what That Thing is called.   
  
**Bart:** what thing?   
  
**Jaime:** THE THING!!!!   
  
**Jaime:** Fuck goshing recogedor!!!!   
  
**Steph:** sorry pal i never paid attention in spanish   
  
**Bart:** can’t you google translate it?   
  
**Steph:** not since lex luthor bought google and made every translation cost 2 cents apiece   
  
**Steph:** and tim’s dad refuses to give me an allowance even though i basically live there and it’s frankly insulting that he won’t call me his daughter in law   
  
**Tim:** Cañ’t imagine why   
  
**Jaime:** This is breaking my mind guys what’s that thing called it’s like the pail part of Shovel and Pail from Blue’s Clues but only if Pail were half spoon.   
  
**Tim:** I never understood that show, like are Shovel and Pail siblings? Are they friends? my little kid brain always assumed they were married, like Blue and Magenta   
  
**Bart:** I thought blue was a girl   
  
**Tim:** she is   
  
**Tim:** you Hómophobe   
  
**Bart:** yes I’m gay yes I’m homophobic, we exist now keep scrolling   
  
**Steph:** i don’t think blue and magenta were dating tho? i think it was more of an unspoken thing where they were secretly lesbians but they couldn’t say it onscreen because dogs can’t talk and steve is a homophobe   
  
**Garfield:** how DARE you call Steve a homophobe, that’s like calling Mr. Rogers a homophobe   
  
**Tim:** one thing we can agree on îs that his stoner brother joe was definitely ã homophobe and I know this because I don’t likǝ him   
  
**Steph:** didn’t he kill steve and take his house?   
  
**Garfield:** no I think that was a deleted scene   
  
**Steph:** ah yes that’s it   
  
**Cassie:** I think we’re getting off topic fellas. Jaime, can you give us more clues about your spoon-pail?   
  
**Bart:** uhhhh yeah he’s asleep   
  
**Bart:** he passed out at his desk so now I’m stacking erasers on his head like the good friend I am   
  
**Tim:** thank you for kǝeping our jaime safe   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**04:35 EST**

**Wally:** wake the fuck UP homie it’s ur BORTHDAY  
  
 **Wally:** you are officially one year OLDER it’s time to fucking CELEBRATE   
  
**Ric Grayson:** YO I am SIXTEEN today hecking YEAH   
  
**Wally:** come downstairs so I can punch you sixteen times because that’s what friends do on birthdays. they dish out friendly abuse   
  
**Ric Grayson:** The sun isn’t even up and you already broke into my house??   
  
**Wally:** alfred let me in and now he’s feeding me pancakes   
  
**Wally:** I love him   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Dick **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**06:21 EST**

**Megan:** Happy birthday!!!! (≧∇≦*)  
  
 **Dick:** THANKS   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Dickie **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**06:40 EST**

**Zatanna:** only 1 year left until u can be the dancing queen!!!!!  
  
 **Dickie:** HELL YEAHHHHHH   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Dick **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**07:18 EST**

**Artemis:** Birth  
  
 **Dick:** Yes   
  
**Artemis:** Cool   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Dickface **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**07:39 EST**

**Roy:** Happy birthday.  
  
 **Dickface:** Thanks!!!   
  
**Dickface:** Hey so what time do you think you’re gonna be at the party   
  
**Dickface:** Have you left for the airport yet?   
  
**Dickface:** The party starts at noon and of course it’s cool if you’re late, just try to get here before we play “pin the eggplant on Obama” because that’s something you really don’t want to miss out on   
  
**Dickface:** Roy?   
  
**Dickface:** Royyyyyyyy   
  
**Dickface:** Also there’s going to be tons of cake. And snacks. And alcohol-free daiquiris so please try not to be late okay   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes**   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**08:01 EST**

**Jaybird:** happy birthday bitch :) love you bitch  
  
 **Dickish:** Thanks jerk :)  
  
 **Jaybird:** you’re welcome whore :)  
  
 **Bruce:** I am begging you two to stop.  
  
 **Barbie:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY DICKHEAD!!!! <3  
  
 **Dickish:** Thanks Babs for loving me when these freeloaders won’t :’)  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** excűse you  
  
 **Dickish:** My bad Timmy  
  
 **Dickish:** I am loved by two (2) people  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** fucc yeah  
  
 **Bruce:** Language.  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** fucc...yes?  
  
 **Bruce:** No.  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY <333  
  
 **Dickish:** THANKS  
  
 **Bruce:** I still don’t understand why Stephanie is in this group text. She isn’t even part of our family.  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** *gASP*  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** and to think, i reorganized the pantry for you last week like the kind goddess i am  
  
 **Bruce:** Alfred made you do that because you spilled chocolate chips everywhere.  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** first of all: get out of here with your FACTS mister we don’t want them here  
  
 **Jaybird:** and for the record, barbara isn’t part of this family either yet she’s here too so like. go eat an artichoke ya hypocrite  
  
 **Bruce:** Jason you’re grounded.  
  
 **Jaybird:** sorry dad I’ve got jury duty, ground me after new year’s 2025  
  
 **Barbie:** And for the more accurate record, the reason I’m here is because I’m a DELIGHT thank you very much  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** you guys didn’t let me get to the ‘second of all’ part to my ‘first of all’ and i think that’s really heterosexual of you  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** i’m so sorry, ǧo ahead you eggplant ɖueen  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** thank you  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** and SECONDLY:   
  
**Purple Ninja:** dick i got you a pair of sneakers shaped like fish heads for your day of birth i hope that’s okay  
  
 **Dickish:** You are my favorite sister   
  
**Cass:** :(  
  
 **Dickish:** *second favorite  
  
 **Dickish:** I'm so sorry Cass you will always be my favorite sister and I'm a fool  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** my seven seconds of fame...snatched away so quickly...  
  
 **Dickish:** Sorry Steph but Cassie is a literal angel incarnate and that cannot be denied  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** y'know what, you’re right and i accept the loss with grace  
  
 **Cass:** :)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Dick **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**08:42 EST**

**Kaldur:** Happy birthday!!!!  
  
 **Dick:** ZANK YOU!!!! To celebrate I filled my brother’s nostrils with Cheetos because he’s small and easy to trick   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m so proud.   
  
**Kaldur:** Have you heard from Roy?   
  
**Dick:** Not yet, but I’m sure he just turned his phone off for the plane ride. Or maybe he dropped it in a gutter. Or it got stolen by a squirrel. It's a dangerous world we live in   
  
**Kaldur:** He'll be there, don’t worry. He would never miss your birthday.   
  
**Dick:** Yeah   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad**   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**11:11 EST**

**Raquel:** My birthday present to Dick is the corpse of our flour child that I found in the garbage and dressed in a sailor costume, thoughts?  
  
 **Kaldur:** You scare me   
  
**Raquel:** Thank you   
  
**Raquel:** What did you guys get him?   
  
**Conner:** cheese   
  
**Artemis:** Cheese   
  
**Kaldur:** I got him some cheese.   
  
**Raquel:** Huh   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Ray Hooker **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**12:32 EST**

**Dick:** Hey what time are you getting here? The party started like half an hour ago  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Ray Hooker **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**12:48 EST**

**Dick:** Wally’s hogging the chocolate fountain so you’d better get here lickity split  
  
 **Dick:** Also I let Conner be the DJ and all he plays are Celtic war chants it’s fantastic   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Ray Hooker **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**13:14 EST**

**Dick:** Roy? You didn’t forget about the party did you?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Dickhead **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**14:39 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey what time did Roy tell you he’d get here? I found a worm outside and I want to put it in his soda  
  
 **Dick:** Forget it   
  
**Dick:** He’s not coming   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Barbara > Wonder Boy **   
  
**Saturday, December 14**   
**19:38 EST**

**Barbara:** Hey  
  
 **Barbara:** I’m sorry Roy didn’t come, I know you must be disappointed   
  
**Wonder Boy:** Who, me? Upset about Roy? No way, I don’t care I’m totally fine   
  
**Barbara:** Dude, you didn’t even complain when Megan snatched Princess Peach from you on Mario Party. I can tell when you’re upset   
  
**Wonder Boy:** Yeah well, if Roy doesn’t want to hang out with me on my birthday then that’s his choice, right? So who cares   
  
**Barbara:** I think you do   
  
**Wonder Boy:** Yeah well, it’s my sweet sixteen and I’m not going to let one person ruin this day for me. If Roy wants to be all alone and miserable in California then that’s fine by me, I’m gonna eat cake and enjoy my fucking birthday because I fucking deserve it   
  
**Barbara:** Okay. But I don’t leave for Gotham until tomorrow night so if you want to talk about it, I’m here   
  
**Wonder Boy:** Thanks   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass**   
  
**Sunday, December 15**   
**2:04 EST**

**Jaime:** IT’S CALLED A DUSTPAN!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm filled with an evil kind of joy every time a person comments something along the lines of "stop hurting Roy!!!!" and I remember that Roy's still got several chapters to go in his downward spiral before things get better for him so hang on tight, fellas.


	14. Christmas Cookies??? No, 'Tis a Rat Dipped in French Fry Grease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is turned inside-out, Tim acquires a sugar daddy, and Kaldur gets beaten up by Bob Ross.

**Zatanna > Arty** **  
****  
****Monday, December 16** **  
****15:29 EST**

**Zatanna:** good news!!! today my horoscope said that my true love will make themselves known to me soon!!!! the wait is over!!!  
  
 **Arty:** You know you can’t believe everything you read in a magazine right?  
  
 **Zatanna:** the stars have never steered me wrong before  
  
 **Zatanna:** remember the time it said i was going to have a good day and i did? or when it told me tragedy would befall me unless i wore pink sneakers in the shower for two weeks?  
  
 **Arty:** Those do not count  
  
 **Zatanna:** yeah but they don’t not NOT count, which means i'm right  
  
 **Arty:** I’m pretty sure you just supported my argument but I can’t be sure  
  
 **Zatanna:** anyways the horoscope said my soulmate is going to give me bread so i’m gonna visit every bakery in happy harbor until someone gives me free stuff. time to Get This Bread  
  
 **Arty:** Good luck with that  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole** **  
****  
****Tuesday, December 17** **  
****07:13 EST**

**Dick:** For Christmas I’ve decided to give my brothers each a handful of dirt and tell them there’s seeds in it that way I can spend the following days watching them obsess over their empty barren dirt piles  
  
 **Conner:** are you sure you werent spawned from satan?  
  
 **Dick:** Jury’s still out on that  
  
 **Kaldur:** What about Cass, are you giving her a dirt pile too?  
  
 **Dick:** Oh she gets a pony because I love her of course  
  
 **Megan:** I finished my Christmas shopping in October so I'm all set!  
  
 **Zatanna:** well damn someone’s really going for most prepared shopper of the year  
  
 **Megan:** You’re d*rn right, I also already have everyone’s birthday presents and bought a dress for myself for Valentine’s Day too  
  
 **Raquel:** Hardcore  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m not capable of doing stuff before the last minute sadly. I’m pretty sure I made Zatanna a pinwheel last year  
  
 **Wally:** luckyyyy, all I got was an avocado with a bite taken out of it  
  
 **Artemis:** That one was actually planned in advance  
  
 **Wally:** :/  
  
 **Dick:** You know what we should do? We should do something FUN for the holidays this year  
  
 **Conner:** yeah like a candy cane eating contest  
  
 **Kaldur:** Or going outside in the freezing cold wearing nothing but bathing suits until only one of us is left standing.  
  
 **Dick:** I was thinking something more along the lines of we take Christmas and turn it inside out, but sure  
  
 **Zatanna:** sounds fun!  
  
 **Zatanna:** i’m jewish but i’m always up for turning things inside out hell yeah  
  
 **Wally:** how are we gonna do that?  
  
 **Dick:** Excellent question! Does anyone have any ideas?  
  
 **Artemis:** Instead of giving gifts we break into each other’s houses and steal the thing they hold most dear. You know like Dick’s sunglasses collection, Meg’s “Hello Megan” box set, Wally’s month-old sandwich  
  
 **Wally:** hey you leave moldy out of this  
  
 **Megan:** Or we can do something that's not Christmas/Hanukkah-y, like paint eggs or set giant statues of ourselves on fire  
  
 **Raquel:** Which holiday is that?  
  
 **Megan:** National No Spongebob Day obviously  
  
 **Dick:** I’VE GOT IT  
  
 **Dick:** I HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA FOR OUR HOLIDAY CELEBRATION  
  
 **Wally:** lay it on us papa bob  
  
 **Dick:** Have any of you heard of Christmas in July?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bruce > Dick** **  
****  
****Tuesday, December 17** **  
****16:01 EST**

**Bruce:** Why are there 500 dollars’ worth of fireworks and American flags on Alfred’s grocery list?   
  
**Dick:** :)   
  
**Bruce:** That explains absolutely nothing.   
  
**Dick:** :) :) :)   
  
**Bruce:** Please don’t destroy anything. I have enough gray hairs as it is and if we get sued one more time I swear I'm sending you to military school.  
  
 **Dick:** :) :) :) :) :)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Tim > Future Mrs. Drake** **  
****  
****Wednesday, December 18** **  
****11:31 EST**

**Tim:** steph helppppp the lûnch lady won’t accept chuck e. cheese tokens as valid currency and I’m dëvaştẵted   
  
**Future Mrs. Drake:** aren’t you a billionaire?? i thought you carried a thousand dollars with you on a daily basis   
  
**Tim:** i do but today I left ḿy plastic velcro spiderman wallet at home   
  
**Tim:** Being poǒr feels like being boiled alỉve in sauerkraut   
  
**Future Mrs. Drake:** don’t worry baby i’ve got cash, i’ll be your sugar daddy :)   
  
**Tim:** you’re a hero and a scholar and I would slaừghter millions for you  
  
 **Future Mrs. Drake:** no you wouldn't  
  
 **Tim:** No I wouldñ't but i'd definitely give them a stérn talking to   
  
**Future Mrs. Drake:** my only request is that in exchange you change my name in your phone to sugar daddy that way the next time bruce sees it he’ll freak out and you can get a video of that because i slurp up mayhem for breakfast   
  
**Tim:** deăl   
  
**Contact changed to:** **_Sugar Daddy_ ** **  
****  
****Sugar Daddy:** come to think of it, what has my contact name been before this?   
  
**Tim:** uhhhhh   
  
**Tim:** “Steph”   
  
**Sugar Daddy:** how boring   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Wednesday, December 18** **  
****13:56 EST**

**Cassie:** Hi my name is Jake from State Farm and I have a State Farm nametag that says "Jake" (that’s how I got my name) and brown eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Flo from Progressive (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Jake Long: American Dragon but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm an insurance salesman but my teeth are straight and white. I go to work at State Farm (I'm employee of the month) and I'm also a customer service employee (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear a State Farm uniform. For example today I was wearing a red shirt with buttons and a State Farm logo on my left titty, sexy brown khakis, and stilettos under the desk where my boss couldn’t see the breach of dress code. I was wearing a headset so I could talk with customers. It was snowing and raining out the window so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lady accused me of seducing her husband who just wanted some insurance. I put up my middle finger at them.   
  
**Ed:** This relic snatched my wig so goddamn fast I swear it took some scalp with it   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole** **  
****  
****Wednesday, December 18** **  
****23:19 EST**

**Megan:** What are everyone’s worst fears?  
  
 **Raquel:** Ooooooh another deep talk hell yeah  
  
 **Wally:** we've been overdue for another one of these  
  
 **Raquel:** Wait do you want real answers or funny answers because those are completely different things in the eyes of god  
  
 **Megan:** Hmmmmm  
  
 **Megan:** Both  
  
 **Raquel:** I’m terrified of dying before I make a lasting impact on the world  
  
 **Raquel:** Also the cinnamon stick man from the Apple Jacks commercials  
  
 **Conner:** im scared of the future and of accidentally killing someone mid-hug because im too swol for my own good  
  
 **Dick:** Clowns freak me out. Nuff said  
  
 **Artemis:** You literally grew up in a circus though??  
  
 **Dick:** Yes and it was a stressful time  
  
 **Zatanna:** malevolent spirits scare me, but friendly ghosts like my boy casper are cool  
  
 **Zatanna:** that and being left completely alone when my dad inevitably dies because i have no siblings or mom so yikes  
  
 **Megan:** I’m scared that people won’t accept me for who I am, especially my friends. I also don’t trust bunk beds because what if the top bunk breaks and crushes the person below and the top bunk person has to live with that guilt forever  
  
 **Kaldur:** I don’t want to fail those who rely on me. I also suffer from nightmares about Bob Ross beating the devil out of me with a paintbrush.  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m afraid of being rejected by the people I care about. One day they’re going to wake up and realize that I’m too fucked up to be around or I’m going to do something wrong and they’ll hate me forever  
  
 **Artemis:** And I have a phobia of drowning in strawberry jello  
  
 **Wally:** I’m scared of never being good enough  
  
 **Wally:** also sporks  
  
 **Dick:** I know Roy’s afraid of thunderstorms and losing control over his own life so why not throw that in since he's clearly not going to participate  
  
 **Dick:** Part of me thinks we should just get a replacement for Roy at this point lmao-but-not-really-lmao-I-think-I’m-just-depressed-but-there's-nothing-I-can-do-about-it-so-might-as-well-lmao  
  
 **Conner:** i volunteer as tribute to be the new roy  
  
 **Conner:** ill just act disappointed and/or grumpy whenever someone says something and itll be like he never left  
  
 **Dick:** Okay let’s test it out:  
  
 **Dick:** Who wishes to marry me? My dowry is a bowl of corn flakes and a handful of dominoes with matching numbers on both sides  
  
 **Conner:** thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard. throw in a stack of black napkins you twink  
  
 **Artemis:** It’s like he’s still with us :’)  
  
 **Artemis:** That whore :’)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Zatanna > Arty** **  
****  
****Friday, December 20** **  
****11:33 EST**

**Zatanna:** man i can’t believe wally was right  
  
 **Zatanna:** magic and fate is a SHAM  
  
 **Arty:** Hmmmm I’m guessing you recently acquired some bread? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Zatanna:** the stars have betrayed me  
  
 **Zatanna:** the world sought to destroy my spirit and it has fulfilled its mission  
  
 **Arty:** Who was it?  
  
 **Arty:** Please say it’s Klarion. Or the principal. Or Mrs. Goode  
  
 **Zatanna:** worse  
  
 **Zatanna:** u know that dumb kid eddie nygma?  
  
 **Arty:** Asdfghjk oh my GOD  
  
 **Zatanna:** he threw a bagel at me during lunch and now i want to be crucified on the world’s sturdiest twizzler  
  
 **Arty:** What did I tell you? Horoscopes are hoaxes written by privileged people who are paid way too much and only pick the vaguest of fortunes in order to keep people thinking their coincidences are the result of some magical piece of paper  
  
 **Zatanna:** maybe it was a typo  
  
 **Zatanna:** maybe someone was supposed to throw brine at me  
  
 **Arty:** Nope, I think your soulmate is Eddie Nygma and his Pokemon cards sorry Zee  
  
 **Zatanna:** no!!!! i refuse  
  
 **Arty:** Your children will be born with gap teeth and purple ties  
  
 **Zatanna:** shut up!!!! eddie is a rat dipped in french fry grease!!!!! the stars have made a MISTAKE  
  
 **Arty:** Yeah totally no doubt no doubt  
  
 **Arty:** Anyways have fun with the love of your life  
  
 **Zatanna:** _never!!!!_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole** **  
****  
****Friday, December 20** **  
****19:47 EST**

**Conner:** so uhhh   
  
**Conner:** roy is supposed to be coming home this weekend right? because i have a foolproof plan in which we tackle him to the ground and force him to talk to us what do you think   
  
**Dick:** Who even knows what Roy is doing anymore tbh   
  
**Kaldur:** Not even Roy would miss Christmas with his family, so I am sure he will show up. Besides, it’s the end of the semester. He has no option but to spend the winter break at home.   
  
**Wally:** I asked miss lance about it during our session yesterday and she said he’s going to be staying at the queen mansion actually. she was really excited about it so I don’t think roy told her or oliver about lian yet   
  
**Artemis:** Why would he spend the break there?? He literally has his own place half a mile across the grounds what the fuck   
  
**Kaldur:** I think he is avoiding us.   
  
**Megan:** Why? We’re his friends   
  
**Raquel:** Is he embarrassed? Because no offense but that’s some bullshit right there   
  
**Wally:** roy has always been the kind of person to push people away when he’s going through stuff™. he usually comes out of it after a few days, but it’s never gone on for this long   
  
**Megan:** I miss him. I wish he’d just talk to us :(   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ginger #2** **  
****  
****Sunday, December 22** **  
****16:16 EST**

**Wally:** howdy   
  
**Wally:** I don’t know if anyone’s told you yet but we’re doing a 4th of july thing on christmas eve, kinda like christmas in july but backwards   
  
**Wally:** all of us gsa folks will be playing with fireworks and making s’mores at the beach that night so if you wanna join in we’d all be happy to see you   
  
**Wally:** I know it’s kind of stupid to be at the beach in december, but we’re gonna have a campfire so...   
  
**Wally:** yeah   
  
**Ginger #2:** Sorry, I have mono. Another time.   
  
**Wally:** so you ARE capable of communication   
  
**Wally:** good to know   
  
**Wally:** and for the record, I know that mono excuse is a load of horse shit so whatever funk you’re in, you need to get over it soon because we’re all getting really tired of waiting around   
  
**Wally:** …   
  
**Wally:** you’re really not going to say anything?   
  
**Wally:** what the hell is going on with you man? you blow off one of your best friends on his birthday, you ignore kaldur, you treat artemis like she doesn’t exist, and you won’t even tell oliver and dinah that you’re a father now   
  
**Wally:** what happened to the guy who used to care about his friends and had the common decency to give them a heads up before dropping off the face of the planet?   
  
**Wally:** this thing you’re doing is not cool and if you keep going like this, pretty soon you won’t have anyone. forget about abandoning your daughter, you’re going to be left with no friends, no boyfriend, and nothing but whatever drug you’re shooting up today to forget about your problems   
  
**Wally:** then you’ll have really hit rock bottom and you won’t have anybody around to pick you back up **  
****  
****_Roy Harper is now offline._ ** **  
****  
****Wally:** figures   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Tuesday, December 24** **  
****10:21 EST**

**Traci:** Merry Pre-Christmas folks!!!!!  
  
 **Cassie:** Let’s get JOLLY  
  
 **Bart:** I plan to hang mistletoe in my doorway for today and tomorrow so if anyone wants to give me a lil smooch ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) feel free ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) men only please on account of I’m Gay ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Cassie:** Sorry I'm gay  
  
 **Tim:** sỡrry I'm allergic  
  
 **Ed:** Sorry I don't kiss on a first date  
  
 **Bart:** wait what was that last one  
  
 **Garfield:** MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE GUYS!!!!!!! my sister made me Christmas cookies shaped like green lemurs  
  
 **Garfield:** she knows me so well :’)  
  
 **Jaime:** I can't wait until my sister goes to bed that way I can snack on the reindeer food she sprinkled on the front lawn.  
  
 **Megan:** HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!!!!  
  
 **Cassie:** ……………  
  
 **Cassie:** I’m. I’m sorry what did you say  
  
 **Wally:** HAPPY JULY 4TH!!!  
  
 **Wally:** I feel AMERICAN today  
  
 **Dick:** VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!! YAY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!  
  
 **Jaime:** I am so confused right now.  
  
 **Traci:** Are we missing something? Or did the originals just spike their eggnog with cocaine this year  
  
 **Artemis:** HAPPY 4TH OF JULY GUYS I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE FIREWORKS ON THIS LOVELY SUMMER EVENING  
  
 **Conner:** woo hoo time to celebrate our independence from the british!!!!!! those rascals  
  
 **Zatanna:** let’s add some BLUE to this red and white holiday!!! USA!! USA!! USA!!  
  
 **Violet:** Now I KNOW this is not a normal American tradition.  
  
 **Wally:** FUCK YEAH AMERICA EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE AND ALSO OUR PRESIDENT LOOKS LIKE A TANGERINE LEFT OUT IN THE SUN FOR THREE WEEKS AND HE WANTS OUR CLUB TO DIE BUT I STILL LIKE FIREWORKS SO YAYYYYYYY  
  
 **Artemis:** FUCK THE BRITISH AND THEIR TEA!!!  
  
 **Bart:** hey now what about tom holland  
  
 **Artemis:** Good god you’re right  
  
 **Artemis:** FUCK THE BRITISH EXCEPT FOR TOM HOLLAND  
  
 **Raquel:** Don’t forget Benderbee Cumelbound!!!!  
  
 **Artemis:** Okay him too  
  
 **Megan:** And my wife??? Emily Blunt???  
  
 **Garfield:** and Tom Hiddleston we can’t forget him  
  
 **Wally:** what about robert pattinson!!!  
  
 **Dick:** Also Harry Styles, I married him in Vegas this summer  
  
 **Artemis:** Okay fine fine I unfuck all those people too  
  
 **Zatanna:** this is keira knightley erasure and i will not STAND for it  
  
 **Artemis:** FINE JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST I UNFUCK ALL OF BRITAIN ARE YOU HAPPY NOW  
  
 **Kaldur:** ~~Robert Pattinson is Batman.~~  
  
 **Tim:** who is that?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Who is who?  
  
 **Steph:** ohhhh okay i get it, this is a reverse christmas in july thing isn't it  
  
 **Megan:** Yep!!! :D  
  
 **Bart:** that's so dumb and wonderful I love it  
  
 **Dick:** Hey hey hey guys I have a joke!  
  
 **Dick:** What do the American flag and I have in common?  
  
 **Artemis:** Uhhhh you’re high?  
  
 **Steph:** you’ve been to the moon  
  
 **Raquel:** You have red and white stripes  
  
 **Dick:** Nope :)  
  
 **Dick:** Born to be on a pole :)  
  
 **Wally:** HA  
  
 **Bart:** sdfghjhgfdfghj  
  
 **Tim:** that’s an image I’ll never be able to get out of my brain now  
  
 **Megan:** Moral of the story is EVERYONE COME TO THE BEACH TONIGHT IF YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE THE 4TH OF JULY WITH US AND DO FIREWORKS AND ROAST WEINERS IN A BONFIRE AND STAY OUT UNTIL 3AM  
  
 **Steph:** now THAT’S what I call christmas  
  
 **Conner:** and for a dollar per five minutes you can cuddle with my dog!!!!! who will also be in attendance because he loves fireworks  
  
 **Garfield:** HELL FUCKING YEAHHHHHH  
  
 **Megan:** Language! >:(  
  
 **Garfield:** oh sorry Megan  
  
 **Garfield:** (h*ll f*ucking yeahhhhhh)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bruce > Dick** **  
****  
****Tuesday, December 24** **  
****21:37 EST**

**Bruce:** It's Christmas Eve, you and your siblings are missing, and I hear fireworks. Please tell me you aren’t destroying anything.  
  
 **Dick:** Don’t worry B, it’s just healthy teenage rebellion and reversed holiday fun I swear  
  
 **Bruce:** Just make sure to be home by morning or Alfred will kill me.  
  
 **Dick:** You got it!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Tuesday, December 24** **  
****23:12 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey where did you run off to? You missed Conner lighting a firework backwards and roasting his eyebrows off again   
  
**Baywatch:** a fox sto,le my beesechurger so nwo I’m c hasing it dowbn   
  
**Artemis:** Well get back here, it’s cold and I need my professional snuggler/space heater back   
  
**Artemis:** I tried using Kaldur as a stand-in but he’s too bony   
  
**Baywatch:** don"t worry i'll be bac k in ahgOTU LF;IYYJHG Ckg  
  
 **Artemis:**...   
  
**Artemis:** Wally?  
  
 **Artemis:** You good?   
  
**Baywatch:** tripped over a seashell   
  
**Baywatch:** on the bright side, I got my burger back!   
  
**Baywatch:** and now I also have a pretty seashell for in case you hate your christmas present, so 2 in 1!!   
  
**Artemis:** What did you get me?   
  
**Baywatch:** lipstick :)   
  
**Artemis:** ...Really   
  
**Baywatch:** that opens to reveal a KNIFE  
  
 **Artemis:**!!!   
  
**Artemis:** I’m so fucking in love with you oh my god   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, December 25** **  
** **00:00 EST  
  
** **  
** **  
** **Raquel:** IT’S OFFICIALLY MIDNIGHT!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS YA FILTHY ANIMALS  
  
 **Dick:** HAPPY CRIMMUS GUYS  
  
 **Wally:** IT'S CRIMNUM!!  
  
 **Kaldur:** MERRY CRISIS!  
  
 **Zatanna:** MERRY CHRYSLER!!!  
  
 **Artemis:** And a slutty, slutty new year  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Duckboy** **  
****  
****Wednesday, December 25** **  
****00:07 EST**

**Bart:** hey tim where are you, I need you to bury me in the sand so I can yell fuck off at the ocean   
  
**Duckboy:** Sorry this is Cassie, Tim fell asleep on top of Conner’s truck an hour ago and I’ve been using his phone to play Minecraft ever since   
  
**Bart:** oooh I vote we draw a festive mustache on his face   
  
**Duckboy:** Done and done   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Barbara > Wonder Boy** **  
****  
****Wednesday, December 25** **  
****01:05 EST**

**Barbara:** Care to explain why a delivery man just showed up at my house at one in the morning to give me a partridge in a pear tree??   
  
**Wonder Boy:** Happy Crimmus!!! :D 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Don't worry, Roy's life will get better soon I promise!! All of his friends will love him again and he'll get therapy and come to terms with all the change in his life, it's just gonna take him a while to get there.)
> 
> Anyways here's a life update: quarantine SUCKS. My sisters and I left the house for the first time in days to take our dog Joi for a walk yesterday and she nearly got mauled by a pitbull. (Don't worry she's fine!! I'm never walking her around this neighborhood ever again though lmao.) Also I won’t be able to rescue my stuff from my college dorm for ANOTHER 4-6 WEEKS which means all of my books are going to be stuck there hundreds of miles away on a mountain without me and so I’ve been sending my mom passive-aggressive memes about it and giving extensive soliloquies about the depth of my grief since yesterday morning. It's Rough Buddy.


	15. /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\ /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\ /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\ stuff happens /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\

**Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, December 31** **  
** **23:02 EST  
  
** **  
** **  
** **Conner:** welp weve finally done it boys  
  
 **Conner:** only one hour left until 2019 officially ends  
  
 **Conner:** i was sure id end up dead in a dumpster being consumed by flesh eating wasps before february  
  
 **Zatanna:** don’t be disappointed, there’s always next year!  
  
 **Conner:** youre right! :)  
  
 **Dick:** Oh 20biteen I shall miss you......‘Twere indeed a very bisexual year for us all  
  
 **Artemis:** Guess we’re straight now smh  
  
 **Wally:** I can’t wait to spend the next year being 100% heterosexual. time to buy an adidas shirt and weed socks with sandals  
  
 **Dick:** I’m going to marry a woman and complain about her to the boys every chance I get even though it’s literally my job to love and cherish her forever but I’m just a Straight Male so I can’t help it ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
 **Raquel:** You know I was planning on doing something fun for New Year’s this year like climb a mountain or go stargazing on an ice rink but instead I’m in bed scrolling through my phone and checking the time every couple of minutes  
  
 **Conner:** yeah  
  
 **Zatanna:** yeah :/  
  
 **Kaldur:** Yeah.  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah  
  
 **Dick:** Stop trying to fit in Artemis, you’re just jealous you weren’t invited to be in the blanket fort with Wally and me  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah well I don’t want to be in your dumb fort anyway, I’ve got Redbull and Oreos over here in my stash on the couch so HA  
  
 **Wally:** all you have to do is admit robbie rotten could beat godzilla in a fight and we’ll happily let you in babe  
  
 **Artemis:** nEVER  
  
 **Conner:** me, megan, and kaldur are hanging out in my garage but got tired by 9:00 so now we’re just sitting in my truck drinking soda and shooting rubber bands at stuff  
  
 **Zatanna:** u lightweights  
  
 **Zatanna:** i don’t plan on sleeping until noon tomorrow bc THAT’S how hardcore i am  
  
 **Wally:** you and rocky can come hang out with us if you want, we have a ton of fireworks left over from christmas and we’re going to light them in dick’s backyard at midnight  
  
 **Raquel:** Hell yes I’m in!!  
  
 **Zatanna:** can i bring my piglet? her name is florence and i don’t want her alone for her first new year’s  
  
 **Dick:** Sure, we’ve already got a cow living in this house so what’s one more farm animal  
  
 **Megan:** Can we come too?? Kaldur keeps nodding off but we can put some sunglasses on him and pretend he’s awake like Weekend At Bernie’s nbd  
  
 **Artemis:** HELL YEAH  
  
 **Conner:** zee and raquel, you need a ride? your houses are on the way and my truck seats infinity if youre not a coward  
  
 **Zatanna:** that’s okay connie my unicycle seats two :)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Wednesday, January 1** **  
****00:00 EST**

**Bart:** happy new year gays!!!!!! :D   
  
**Cassie:** HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRR   
  
**Traci:** New year new gays let’s party!!!   
  
**Garfield:** HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS I LOVE YOUUUU   
  
**Ed:** I have a feeling 2020 is going to be the best year YET I’m so excited   
  
**Steph:** hell yeah!!! this year is going to be smooth sailing i just know it   
  
**Tim:** Definitëly! :) say goodbye to economical disãsters, corrupt government officials, and wørldwide pandemics because this is our year to SHINE   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Elves Workin’ the Pole** **  
****  
****Wednesday, January 1** **  
****16:20 EST**

**Dick:** Lmao happy 4:20 o’clock guyz /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\  
  
 **Artemis:** Dick….Dirk…..my dearest Dickenshläkel…..what the FUCK is that  
  
 **Dick:** /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\ a friend  
  
 **Megan:** Thanks I hate it!  
  
 **Dick:** /╲/( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)/\╱\ bigot  
  
 **Dick:** Anyways LET’S! GET! DOWN! TO! BUSINESS!  
  
 **Wally:** TO DEFEAT  
  
 **Megan:** THE HUNS  
  
 **Dick:** Not what I was going for but I love the synchronicity   
  
**Dick has renamed the group:** ** _Prince Humperdinck’s Concubines_** **  
** **  
** **Kaldur:** God dammit.  
  
 **Dick:** Thank you  
  
 **Dick:** NOW FOR OUR FIRST AND ONLY ORDER OF BUSINESS:  
  
 **Dick:** It is a new year, which means it’s now time to shed our outer reptile skin and reveal the lovely butterflies marinating underneath  
  
 **Dick:** So let’s share some RESOLUTIONS FOLKS lemme hear em  
  
 **Megan:** I want money!  
  
 **Dick:** AMAZING RESOLUTION MEGAN  
  
 **Zatanna:** i want total immunity in the eyes of the law!  
  
 **Dick:** WAY TO AIM HIGH ZEE  
  
 **Raquel:** I plan to stop eating lactose!  
  
 **Dick:** SO PRACTICAL AND USEFUL!  
  
 **Conner:** my resolution is to prove once and for all to that squirrel who lives in my attic that i am a THreat and i will no longer be feeding it redbull-soaked cubes of tofu no matter how much it may growl at me and froth at the mouth  
  
 **Dick:** ……...OKAY!  
  
 **Wally:** I resolve to get TOP SURGERY AT SOME POINT IN THE DISTANT FUTURE WHICH IS HOPEFULLY SOONISH BECAUSE THESE SUCKERS NEED TO LEAVE SO YEAH BOIIIIIIIII  
  
 **Dick:** AMAZING!  
  
 **Kaldur:** My resolution is to spend less time on my phone this year. No offense of course because I love you all, but I really need to cut down on screen time if I want to keep up my 4.0 GPA.  
  
 **Dick:** WHY NOT START NOW!  
  
 **Kaldur:** Oh yeet?  
  
 **Kaldur Durham has left the conversation.**  
  
 **Wally:** we stan a king  
  
 **Megan:** What’s your resolution this year Artemis?  
  
 **Artemis:** The same resolution I make every year Pinkie……..  
  
 **Artemis:** TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD  
  
 **Zatanna:** ooh can i change mine i wanna do that too  
  
 **Dick:** NO!  
  
 **Dick:** YOU MUST STICK TO YOUR RESOLUTIONS FOR THE ENTIRE GODDAMN YEAR MISSY!!  
  
 **Raquel:** Hey Dick what’s your resolution?  
  
 **Dick:** EXCELLENT QUESTION  
  
 **Dick:** I HAVE WRITTEN OUT A DETAILED AGENDA IN WHICH EVERY MORNING BEFORE MY BROTHER JASON WAKES UP I AM GOING TO SNEAK INTO HIS ROOM AND MOVE SOMETHING TO A NEW LOCATION LIKE A PENCIL OR A USED TISSUE AND THE NEXT DAY I WILL MOVE A DIFFERENT THING AND SO ON UNTIL HE IS CONVINCED THERE IS A GHOST LIVING IN HIS ROOM, AT WHICH POINT I WILL START USING THE WALKIE-TALKIE I INSTALLED INSIDE THE WALL BEHIND HIS BED LAST MONTH TO MAKE SPOOKY BREATHING NOISES AT NIGHT. THIS WILL INCITE HIM TO START RESEARCHING GHOSTS IN WAYNE MANOR, WHICH WILL CONVENIENTLY LEAD HIM TO SUSPECT THAT THE SPIRITS OF THOMAS AND MARTHA WAYNE ARE HAUNTING HIM AND THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THE TORMENT STOP IS TO DOUSE HIMSELF IN STRAWBERRY JAM AND BREADCRUMBS AND STAND ON ONE FOOT OVER THEIR GRAVES FOR NINE HOURS, WHICH OF COURSE HE WILL GET FROM THE GHOST-HUNTING BOOK I WILL HAVE CLEVERLY INSTALLED IN THE MANOR’S LIBRARY A FEW DAYS PRIOR  
  
 **Wally:**.....................I honestly have no response for this other than what the fuck  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Oliver > Roy** **  
****  
****Friday, January 3** **  
****14:18 EST**

**Oliver:** Hey champ! Just checking up on you   
  
**Oliver:** You left kind of suddenly this morning so I wanted to make sure you got to the airport okay. Hope you’re feeling better, you looked sick as a dog all winter break   
  
**Oliver:** Call me back when you can, kiddo! Love ya! :)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Roy** **  
****  
****Friday, January 3** **  
****16:35 EST**

**Megan:** Hey Roy, are you there? I know I should probably stop texting you every week because it must be annoying seeing as you never answer, but I just wanted to see if you’re doing okay   
  
**Megan:** We miss you a lot. Like a LOT a lot   
  
**Megan:** So so so so SO much   
  
**Megan:** Text me back when you can!! Pretty please <3<3<3   
  
  


* * *

  
**  
Artemis > Bitch In Law**

**Saturday, January 4** **  
****07:39 EST**

**Artemis:** CALL ME BACK YOU DIPFUCK   
  
  


* * *

  
  


**Wally > Ginger #2** **  
  
****Saturday, January 4  
** **10:53 EST** **  
****  
  
  
****Wally:** hey roy   
  
**Wally:** royroyroyroyroyroyroyroyROYROYROYROYROYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY   
  
**Wally:** I know I’m still mad at you so don’t think I've forgiven you for being such a shithead yet because I DON’T but also I miss talking to you and I love you tons so text me back!!! bitch!!!!!   
  
  


* * *

**  
  
Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Monday, January 6** **  
****14:38 EST**

**Bart:** HELP I STUCK MY TONGUE TO A POLE BECAUSE SOME PUNK TOLD ME TO!!!!!   
  
**Traci:** Is this.. Is this a joke?   
  
**Bart:** NO   
  
**Bart:** IT’S COLD AND STUCK AND I FEEL LIKE THAT DUMB KID IN A CHRISTMAS STORY WHERE HE STUCK HIS TONGUE TO THE POLE EXCEPT NOW _I’M_ THAT DUMB KID   
  
**Tim:** jfghjkfghgfgh bart you’re sučh a dumbass   
  
**Bart:** STOP LAUGHING AT MY MISFORTUNE YOU HEATHEN   
  
**Ed:** *Sigh*   
  
**Bart:** THAT HAD BETTER BE AN “I’M GONNA RESCUE THIS DUMBASS” SIGH AND NOT AN “I’M SIGHING BUT I WON’T HELP OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I’M A DORITO-FLAVORED BASTARD” SIGH   
  
**Ed:** Where are you?   
  
**Bart:** ATTACHED TO THE MONKEY BARS AT THE PLAYGROUND NEAR MY HOUSE   
  
**Ed:** Hang tight hermano, I’ll come save you   
  
**Bart:** YAYYYYYYYYY THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU   
  
**Bart:** BRING A HAIRDRYER   
  
**Steph:** ……...is it weird that i’m suddenly really in the mood for popsicles now?   
  
**Bart:** YES!!! YES IT IS   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
****  
****Wednesday, January 8** **  
****12:20 EST  
  
**

 **  
****Hot Chocolate:** I just bought a quill and ink like a noble lady in Victorian England who is writing a letter of resignation to her unjust employer so she can run away to the Swiss Alps with her gay lover named Petunia   
  
**Hot Chocolate:** Anyways what should I write with it I need suggestions   
  
**Lemonade:** Titties   
  
**Chamomile:** titties   
  
**One Black Coffee:** Write titties   
  
**Hot Chocolate:** Oh how I love democracy   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Prince Humperdinck’s Concubines** **  
****  
****Thursday, January 9** **  
****09:01 EST**

**Dick:** If you could time travel anywhere in existence where would you go? I’ll go first, I’d choose Ancient Greece because it’s gay and I like olives   
  
**Conner:** you eat olives? blocked   
  
**Dick:** No I just like to wear them on my fingers like little hats   
  
**Conner:** ...reluctantly unblocked   
  
**Megan:** I would go to the 50s because I have a poodle skirt for every color of the rainbow  
  
 **Zatanna:** even blellow?  
  
 **Megan:** Even blellow   
  
**Kaldur:** I would go to the fifties as well, but minus the rampant racism and homophobia of course. I simply wish to wear pastel shirts and spend my afternoons drinking milkshakes at the local diner while “What’s New Pussycat” plays repeatedly on the jukebox.   
  
**Wally:** I don’t think that song came out until the sixties actually, sorry bud   
  
**Kaldur:** Then I will time travel the song back with me, of course. How dare you assume time travel has limits you small-minded schmuck.  
  
 **Conner:** well damn wally he just invalidated your entire life, now are you gonna take that abuse?  
  
 **Wally:** HELL NO  
  
 **Conner:** SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT  
  
 **Wally:** CRY IN A CORNER FOR A FEW HOURS!  
  
 **Conner:** HELL YEAH!  
  
 **Zatanna:** i’m gonna ride some dinosaurs like a cool person. go big or go hoe  
  
 **Megan:** I think it's go home  
  
 **Zatanna:** not for me :)   
  
**Raquel:** I want to travel forward to the day of my death that way I can don a black dress with a veil and watch the funeral service from afar, sheltered in the shade of a tree and silently watching myself lowered into the grave before eventually disappearing off into the unknown and leaving the mourners to wonder who that mysterious woman who looked eerily like the corpse was   
  
**Artemis:** I’d go back to a week before Reese’s peanut butter cups were invented and invent it first that way I can go down in history as the greatest person ever   
  
**Conner:** ive always wanted to live as a caveman tbh. i think its a lifestyle i could fit into without having to change much about myself   
  
**Wally:** I’m going to travel a hundred years into the future that way I can read a history textbook and predict every major historical event before it happens!  
  
 **Wally:** also I might pick up a sports almanac or two   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Roy** **  
****  
****Friday, January 10** **  
****18:21 EST**

**Kaldur:** Hi.   
  
**Kaldur:** So...I think we need to talk. Though I have a feeling you aren’t going to say anything, so I will just talk and you can choose to read it or not.   
  
**Kaldur:** You haven’t been answering my calls. I went by your house last week and you wouldn’t see me. I dropped by today as well, but your stepmother told me you’ve already gone back to college even though I am fairly sure classes don’t start for another week.   
  
**Kaldur:** I’ve been losing sleep every night worrying about if you are doing okay, checking my phone constantly with the blind hope that there will be a message from you, but there hasn’t been a single one. And at this point I am not so sure that there will be.   
  
**Kaldur:** I think this would all be easier if I could just stop loving you that way your absence wouldn't hurt so badly, but that isn’t the case. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m worried or angry or stupid or all of them.   
  
**Kaldur:** But what I do know is that I can’t deal with this right now. I can’t spend my days thinking about someone who clearly is not doing the same. It’s not fair, and I know this must be horribly selfish of me but it is also selfish of you to put me in this position in the first place.   
  
**Kaldur:** I love you. I really, really do. But until you are ready to treat me like you feel even a fraction of the same way, then I can’t keep holding on to someone who clearly doesn't care anyway.   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m sorry.  
 **  
****  
**🗸 _Read at 06:39 PM_   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Douchebag Psimon** **  
****  
****Friday, January 10** **  
****18:47 EST**

**Roy:** I want to buy more.   
  
**Douchebag Psimon:** the usual?   
  
**Roy:** Whatever you have that will make me black out for a good hundred years or so.   
  
**Douchebag Psimon:** I mean, if the heroin’s not doing it anymore I’ve got some coke? it’s more expensive but you’ll get a better high   
  
**Roy:** I’ll take all of it.   
  
**Douchebag Psimon:** you sure man? I know I’m not your mom or anything but you’re going kind of hardcore here   
  
**Roy:** I’ll be at the room in ten, just give me whatever you’ve got.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
****  
****Friday, January 10** **  
****18:56 EST**

**Wally:** is it just me or does it smell like upsexy in here? ;)   
  
**Blondie:** No   
  
**Wally:** :/ dang it   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Megalicious** **  
****  
****Friday, January 10** **  
****18:59 EST**

**Wally:** do you smell that? I think it smells like upsexy in here   
  
**Megalicious:** What is that?  
  
 **Wally:** what is what? :)  
  
 **Megalicious:** That word you said   
  
**Wally:** :/ dang it   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
****  
****Friday, January 10** **  
****19:02 EST**

**Wally:** woah man it smells like upsexy in here??? that’s so weird   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Sorry Walls but I still have my dignity   
  
**Wally:** :/ DANG IT   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Kon** **  
****  
****Friday, January 10** **  
****19:05 EST**

**Wally:** is it just me or does it smell like upsexy in here?   
  
**Kon:** whats upsexy   
  
**Wally:** YES!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
 **Kon:**?   
  
**Wally:** NOTHING WHAT’S UP WITH YOU :D  
  
 **Kon:**??   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Star City Hospital > Oliver Queen** **  
****  
****Saturday, January 11** **  
****02:11 EST**

**[Incoming call from Star City Hospital]  
** **  
****  
****[Call ended: 02:14]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey :)  
> how ya doin :)  
> when I was writing this I planned to tell you guys ahead in the end notes whether roy is going to be okay or not but I think I'm just gonna :)  
> let you all stew for a while :)  
> because suspense is always fun :)  
> and I'm a meaniehead :)


	16. Eyyyyyyyyyy Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone deals with the fallout of what happened to Roy, Jaime has no shirt, and Conner proves that the Clark Kent disguise really does work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April Fools, bitches!!!! My bones are made out of cardboard and the disease is called Cardboardbonesinitis. (Even though it's 20 minutes after midnight here but oh well who needs rules when you've got cheese.)

**Group Chat: Prince Humperdinck’s Concubines** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, January 16** **  
** **13:59 EST**

**Dick:** So...I overheard Bruce on the phone with Oliver today  
  
 **Dick:** The guy sounds like a total mess, but I think he’s doing okay. He keeps blaming himself for what happened to Roy  
  
 **Raquel:** It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know what was going on all this time  
  
 **Wally:** we did  
  
 **Wally:** we all knew that roy wasn’t okay and we didn’t do a single thing to help him  
  
 **Zatanna:** yes we did, god knows we all tried a thousand times to reach out and get him to open up to us but some people just don’t want to be helped. u can't blame urself for that  
  
 **Wally:** we should have tried harder then. I practically yelled at him about it, told him he was selfish for ignoring us and that he had to get over his issues and stop being such an asshole if he didn’t want to lose everyone he cared about  
  
 **Wally:** if we hadn’t given up on him so easily maybe he wouldn’t have...you know  
  
 **Raquel:** Maybe, maybe not. But that doesn't make what Roy did yours or anyone else's fault  
  
 **Megan:** It all feels so surreal...I can’t stop thinking about him  
  
 **Zatanna:** same. i can’t even imagine how his parents must be feeling right now  
  
 **Conner:** today is the 16th right? at least hell be leaving the hospital soon  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah I heard he got released earlier today, they had him on suicide watch for a while because protocol and stuff but he and Dinah should be flying back home tonight  
  
 **Zatanna:** that’s good  
  
 **Zatanna:** have any of u talked to him yet?  
  
 **Dick:** Is it weird that I’m too scared to? I mean yeah he’s one of my best friends in the world and I care about him but idk  
  
 **Dick:** It feels awkward now  
  
 **Megan:** I sent him a card and some cookies the day I heard what happened and I’ve been stress baking ever since  
  
 **Raquel:** Which is convenient because I’ve been stress-eating so we cancel each other out  
  
 **Wally:** I want to talk to roy so badly just to hear his voice and have proof that he’s really okay, but every time I think about doing it I either chicken out or want to rip his head off for what he put us through  
  
 **Conner:** what about you kaldur? how have you been handling this?  
  
 **Kaldur:** I am fine.  
  
 **Megan:** Are you sure? Because we’re here if you ever need to talk  
  
 **Kaldur:** Thank you, but if it's all the same to you I would rather not discuss it anymore.  
  
 **Megan:** I get it. Just know we're here for you okay <3  
  
 **Kaldur:** Thanks.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, January 16** **  
** **17:20 EST**

**Wally:** hey  
  
 **Wally:** how are you holding up?  
  
 **Blondie:** Fine  
  
 **Wally:** you sure? because I promise not to tattle if you need to take a break from the tough guy stuff and let yourself feel sad for a minute. it's okay to be upset when stuff like this happens  
  
 **Blondie:** Roy is fine and he’s coming home soon so there’s nothing for me to be sad about  
  
 **Blondie:** But if you really want to be helpful, you could do something else for me?  
  
 **Wally:** name it  
  
 **Blondie:** Just...promise me you won't ever do what Roy did  
  
 **Blondie:** Please  
  
 **Wally:** okay  
  
 **Blondie:** You gotta say it  
  
 **Wally:** I promise you artemis, I would never try to do something like that. never  
  
 **Blondie:** You said you tried it once  
  
 **Wally:** that was a long time ago. things are better now and I promise you’ll have to put up with me for a long, long time  
  
 **Blondie:** Good. Because I'd be really fucking pissed if you did something stupid and I had to go resurrect you  
  
 **Wally:** awww does artemis crock love little ol' me?  
  
 **Blondie:** Only a little  
  
 **Blondie:** Don't let it go to your head  
  
 **Wally:** oh no of course not  
  
 **Wally:** p.s. guess what  
  
 **Wally:** I love you a little too ;)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Jaime > Bart** **  
** **  
** **Friday, January 17** **  
** **10:10 EST**

**Jaime:** Hey what’s your gym locker combo? I need to borrow a shirt.   
  
**Bart:** sure dude it’s 00-00-01   
  
**Bart:** what happened to your shirt?   
  
**Jaime:** It uhhhh may or may not have been melted with acid.   
  
**Bart:** I’m, ,, sorry w h at   
  
**Jaime:** Listen here okay……there was a SPIDER……   
  
**Jaime:** I can’t be held accountable for what happens when I panic.   
  
**Bart:** so you’ve just been walking around school topless since then?   
  
**Jaime:** Pretty much yeah.   
  
**Jaime:** I’ve gotten a few compliments. One person asked where I got my corgi tattoo.   
  
**Bart:** you have a corgi tattoo??   
  
**Jaime:** Got it in the army.   
  
**Bart:** you were never in the army   
  
**Jaime:** Tell that to my Call of Duty high scores.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Prince Humperdinck’s Concubines** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, January 18** **  
** **12:19 EST**

**Artemis:** DUDES I’M FREAKING THE _FUCK_ OUT RIGHT NOW OKAY LOOK AT THIS  
  
 **Artemis:** [image sent]  
  
 **Artemis:** WHAT!!! THE FUCK!!!  
  
 **Zatanna:** no fucking way  
  
 **Dick:** SWEET BABY JESUS WHAT AM I LOOKING AT  
  
 **Zatanna:** this is photoshopped. tell me u photoshopped this  
  
 **Artemis:** Nope!!! It’s real and I’m LOSING MY MIND  
  
 **Raquel:** How the hell did I not know about this??????  
  
 **Artemis:** I HAD NO IDEA EITHER UNTIL NOW AND IT IS A _CRIME_  
  
 **Megan:** Oh my gosh oH MY GOSH I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS  
  
 **Artemis:** I KNOW!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!  
  
 **Kaldur:** Wally, since when do you wear glasses??  
  
 **Wally:** …...this feels like a trap  
  
 **Zatanna:** oh my god this pic is warping the fuck out of my brain, i need to stare at glasses-less wally for at least 4 hours to erase it from my mental hard drive  
  
 **Wally:** hey now there’s no way it looks THAT bad  
  
 **Artemis:** Are...  
  
 **Artemis:** Are you joking?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Wally must be looking at a different photo than we are.  
  
 **Wally:** wow thanks guys, this is doing wonders for my self-confidence  
  
 **Artemis:** Wally,,, baby,,, sunshiney epicenter of my universe,,,  
  
 **Artemis:** I can honestly say, without a doubt, that Glasses Wally is the hottest thing I have ever seen in my entire goddamn life  
  
 **Artemis:** It’s like you suddenly transformed into a sexy librarian before our very eyes  
  
 **Raquel:** I feel like I need to gargle some Listerine now because witnessing those glasses on that face is too fucking powerful and it’s melting my fillings. I'm having a straight crisis right now and I blame you  
  
 **Wally:** seriously? you’re all not joking?  
  
 **Zatanna:** no offense but glasses!wally could like. get it  
  
 **Wally:** huh  
  
 **Wally:** I mean I usually just wear contacts but I dropped one in the toilet this morning and it’s not like my eyesight is TERRIBLE or anything, just a teeny bit blurry  
  
 **Dick:** As your best friend can I just say that I am OUTRAGED I’ve never seen you with glasses until this very moment??  
  
 **Dick:** Because full offense, you look hot bro  
  
 **Dick:** No homo of course  
  
 **Wally:** oh of course  
  
 **Conner:** wait im confused, who is that  
  
 **Raquel:** What do you mean?  
  
 **Conner:** the guy in the picture. is that a new gay club member i havent met?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Um...no? It’s Wally.  
  
 **Conner:** i dont know what youre talking about  
  
 **Kaldur:** The person in the photo is Wally but with glasses on.  
  
 **Conner:** no its not, wally doesnt wear glasses  
  
 **Artemis:** I am so fucking confused right now, Conner is this your first time seeing someone with glasses  
  
 **Conner:** of course ive seen glasses before  
  
 **Conner:** what i dont get is how you all think the stranger in that photo could be wally, it looks nothing like him  
  
 **Wally:** dude that’s literally me I don’t know what else to tell you  
  
 **Conner:**...this is a prank right. you guys are pranking me  
  
 **Zatanna:**???  
  
 **Dick:** Hold up let me try something guys  
  
 **Dick:** Conner tell me what you see here:  
  
 **Dick:** [image sent]  
  
 **Conner:** a picture of wally  
  
 **Dick:** Very good  
  
 **Dick:** And now?   
  
**Dick:** [image sent]  
  
 **Conner:** a stranger with glasses and red hair  
  
 **Zatanna:** ……..conner what the fuck  
  
 **Megan:** Is this why you didn’t recognize me when we saw that 3D movie last weekend???? I thought you were just joking about that!  
  
 **Conner:** no you wandered off and some random girl stole your seat  
  
 **Megan:** That was me with 3D glasses on!!!!  
  
 **Conner:** liar  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Roy** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, January 19** **  
** **18:32 EST**

**Kaldur:** I don’t want to talk. I just...I need you to tell me that you are okay so I know it's true.   
  
**Roy:** I’m okay Kal.   
  
**Kaldur.** Good.   
  
**Roy:** And I know this is probably worthless to you now but...I’m sorry about everything that happened.   
  
**_Kaldur Durham is now offline._ **   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Prince Humperdinck’s Concubines** **  
** **  
** **Monday, January 20** **  
** **14:02 EST**

**Wally:** hey hey hey who wants $5 to cut my tits off with a cheese grater   
  
**Raquel:** Do I get health insurance with this job?   
  
**Wally:** no, but then again neither do I   
  
**Raquel:** Good point I'll do it   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, January 22** **  
** **17:45 EST**

**Artemis:** Hi Roy  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Hey.  
  
 **Artemis:** How are you feeling?  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Withdrawal fucking sucks and my head feels like it’s going to split in half, but it’s better than it was yesterday at least.  
  
 **Artemis:** That’s good  
  
 **Artemis:** Now I can tear you a new one and not feel guilty about it yOU FUCKING PIECE OF HUMAN SHIT, WHAT THE LITERAL GENUINE ACTUAL _F U C K_ IS WRONG WITH YOU  
  
 **Artemis:** DO YOU HAVE ANY GODDAMN IDEA WHAT YOU PUT US THROUGH IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS??? YOU DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH TO ANGST ABOUT AVOIDING YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AND THEN I HAVE TO HEAR FROM YOUR DAD THAT YOU OVERDOSED ON ENOUGH DRUG SHIT TO KILL A PERSON??? WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS THE MATTER WITH YOU  
  
 **Artemis:** YOU’RE LUCKY DINAH’S KEEPING YOU ON A SHORT LEASH OR I WOULD BE DRAGGING YOUR SORRY ASS OUT OF THAT HOUSE MYSELF AND BEATING YOU WITH A STICK SO HARD YOUR FACE PERMANENTLY LOOKS LIKE THAT DEFORMED GUY FROM GOONIES  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Well jeez don’t hold back I guess.  
  
 **Artemis:** Is this a fucking JOKE to you??? You nearly fucking DIED Roy, if your roommate hadn’t found you that night you would be a CORPSE right now. Do you have any idea how fucking STUPID that was???  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Well duh, that’s kind of why I did it in the first place.  
  
 **Artemis:** Why??? What kind of a person learns that they have a daughter and makes it their mission to fuck up their own life so badly they almost can’t come back from it??   
  
**Bitch In Law:** Cut me some slack, will you? You’re acting like this is all a beautiful angelic miracle that I’m taking for granted or some shit.  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Have you even TRIED to consider what it’s been like for me finding out that I have an actual CHILD out there? A child who has been growing up without me knowing she even EXISTS, and then this bomb gets dropped on me out of nowhere and everyone expects me to suddenly pull it together and transform into father of the year when I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate my OWN life.  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** You have no idea how fucked up I am right now. I thought college was going to be this cool adventure like in a frat movie or some shit, but then I get there and it turns out that having all of my friends and family across the country really fucking sucks because now I have to get used to this totally new environment all by myself. My roommate's an asshole and classes are hard as fuck and I'm not smart enough for half the shit they teach and I'm barely hanging on as it is, but then I have to find out I have a DAUGHTER on top of all that?  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** If Lian could see me right now, she'd want nothing to do with me. And I can’t even blame her for it because who would want someone like me for a father?  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** She deserves better.  
  
 **Artemis:** Fine, so maybe she does. Maybe you ARE too immature and fucked up to be a good dad right now  
  
 **Artemis:** But like it or not Roy, you’re Lian’s father now and that means you don’t GET to wallow in self-pity. Your only job right now is to fucking BE THERE for your kid which is like. The bare fucking minimum  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Don’t know if you forgot this little detail, but I’m just a kid too!   
  
**Bitch In Law:** I’m a freshman in college, not some middle aged accountant with a 401K and a house with a backyard. A couple months ago I didn’t know if I even wanted kids to begin with, and now suddenly I’m supposed to just grow up and hope that I don’t completely screw up the life of a little girl I already love more than anything in the fucking universe?   
  
**Bitch In Law:** When I picture a father I don’t see some stupid teenager who flunked his first semester of college, I see someone like Oliver. Someone who is responsible and patient and always knows what he’s doing.   
  
**Bitch In Law:** But I’m not Oliver. I have no fucking idea how to be a father, and Lian would be better off never knowing her fucked-up deadbeat dad anyway.  
  
 **Artemis:** Oh yeah? Which “fucked-up deadbeat” used to let me wake him up at 3am when my dad would get too rough and sat up with me all night watching shitty reality shows without complaining?  
  
 **Artemis:** Who taught himself how to make chè chuối pudding to cheer me up when I was missing my mom?  
  
 **Artemis:** Who lived practically on his own for over a year and made it look easy?  
  
 **Artemis:** You’re not a bad father yet, Roy. You’re just scared. And you have a right to be, because if I learned I suddenly had a kid out there who I was going to spend the rest of my life loving and taking care of and trying to turn into a decent member of society, I would be scared as fuck too  
  
 **Artemis:** But you’re not doing this alone. You’ve got me, Oliver, Dinah, Jade, Kaldur, Dick, Wally, everyone who loves you and cares about you. We’re all on your side Roy, you just have to let us do that and start taking this shit one step at a time  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** What if I screw it all up anyway? What if I can’t be the dad Lian needs me to be?  
  
 **Artemis:** You will be. You just gotta get your head out of your stupid ass and put in the effort  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** You're making it sound like this is easy.  
  
 **Artemis:** It's not, but isn't trying to build a happy life with your daughter better than making up shitty reasons to give up on yourself?  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** I’m a fucking mess right now. Lian wouldn’t want to see me like this.  
  
 **Artemis:** You’ll get better. Once you’re clean and this rough patch is over, you can go meet her and start making things right  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Kaldur broke up with me and probably hates my guts right now.  
  
 **Artemis:** Suck it up and talk to him then you fucking moldy saltine  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** I failed all of my classes.  
  
 **Artemis:** You can try again next semester. You can take a gap year. You can apply again to another school that’s closer to home  
  
 **Artemis:** Now stop making half-assed excuses for yourself and go take a shower, drink some water, and make sure you look at least somewhat presentable because I’m coming over and I’m bringing you some cold soup in a can because I broke the microwave two weeks ago and I don’t know how to fix it  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** Suddenly I remember why I stopped talking to you for so long.  
  
 **Artemis:** I love you too bitch  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Connie** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, January 23** **  
** **03:42 EST**

**Zatanna:** *stares u dead in the eye, aggressively gargling milk so it froths and spills down my chin in thicc bubbles* in this world u either freshavacado or freshavacadon’t, there is no freshavacatry   
  
**Connie:** im begging you to delete my number   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, January 23** **  
** **15:16 EST**

**Wally:** hey siri is there a way to surgically remove one’s reproductive organs with a frozen yogurt spoon? asking for a friend  
  
 **Blondie:** Bad day?  
  
 **Wally:** bad week  
  
 **Wally:** I hate this body and I hate that it hates me back and wants me to feel pain every month and I hate that the stupid aisle in the stupid store is called the “feminine care” aisle like what the FUCK guys it’s like you fucking WANT me to feel insecure gosh damn  
  
 **Blondie:** I’m sorry babe :(  
  
 **Blondie:** If it helps, I love your body because any Flesh House that belongs to Wally West and his wonderful self is a friend of mine  
  
 **Blondie:** And if you ever need me to buy stuff™ for you so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable in the store just say the word because that means I’ll have an excuse to buy one of those giant drugstore lollipops so really it’s a win/win  
  
 **Wally:** you’re being unreasonably cute and helpful today and it’s seriously hindering my grumpiness stop it  
  
 **Wally:** hey fbi agent living in my phone how do I make my period sync up with my girlfriend’s that way we can be gross and miserable together send tweet  
  
 **Blondie:** Gee thanks  
  
 **Wally:** for real though, what’s with the chipper attitude? did someone fall down the stairs?  
  
 **Blondie:** Nope. I saw Roy yesterday  
  
 **Wally:** really? you’re not joking? you saw roy harper alive and in person  
  
 **Blondie:** Yep **  
** **  
** **Wally:** how is he? is he healthy? has he seen lian? do oliver and dinah know she even exists yet? what’s he going to do about school now?  
  
 **Blondie:** No idea on any of the above except that withdrawal is being a bitch and his mental state is kind of a dumpster fire, but I have a feeling he’ll be okay eventually  
  
 **Blondie:** He just needs time  
  
 **Wally:** oh my god I’m so relieved, I thought my brain was going to explode and get brain purée all over the carpet from how worried I was when I first found out about what happened  
  
 **Blondie:** That's a dramatic image  
  
 **Wally:** thanks I took drama classes  
  
 **Wally:** anyways I propose that to celebrate our royboy being back and mostly well, you should totally come to my house and snuggle me for a few hours which really has nothing to do with roy but you’re soft and warm and I really really liek you :)  
  
 **Wally:** strictly for professional reasons of course  
  
 **Blondie:** Oh of course, we’re nothing if not professionals  
  
 **Blondie:** But sadly I can’t today, I have studying to do and you’re a pretty distracting individual  
  
 **Wally:** *gasp* me? distracting? never   
  
**Blondie:** Uh huh  
  
 **Wally:** come over  
  
 **Blondie:** No  
  
 **Wally:** please?  
  
 **Blondie:** Sorry but my hands are tied ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
 **Wally:** come onnnnnnn I won’t distract you I promise, I’ll quietly play pokemon on my ds the whole time and won't bother you at all  
  
 **Blondie:** Yeah right  
  
 **Wally:**...my aunt is making shirley temples  
  
 **Blondie:** I’ll be right over  
  
 **Wally:** YAY <33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hand if you too would cuddle a grumpy Wally West because if you wouldn't then you're a monster and that's a true fact because I asked Artemis and she said so.


	17. The Lowkey-est of Birthdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy is finally back with his friends again, a birthday is not celebrated, and Gar has a hair emergency.

**Group Chat: Prince Humperdinck’s Concubines** **  
****  
****Saturday, January 25** **  
****14:06 EST**

**Roy:** Hey guys…  
  
 **Megan:** Roy!!! I’m so glad to hear from you!!! :D  
  
 **Zatanna:** OHMYGOD ROY MY PAL MY COMPADRE THE DURAN TO MY DURAN!! IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE’VE TALKED HOW ARE U DOING  
  
 **Dick:** It’s about fucking TIME DUDE  
  
 **Roy:** I just wanted to apologize, if that’s cool. I’ve been treating you all like shit and I totally get it if you all hate me and never want to talk to me again, but I would really appreciate it if you heard me out just so I can get this off my chest.  
  
 **Wally:** (please don’t say it’s your shirt)  
  
 **Roy:** I’m sorry that I did what I did. I know it was wrong to push you all away when I needed you most, and you’re right to be pissed at me for it. I think at the time I justified it by telling myself it was just to keep you all away from my fucked-up self, but now I know I just wanted to wallow in my own self-pity.  
  
 **Roy:** If it helps, I’m off the drugs now. No more drinking either even though it fucking sucks not having them, but Dinah’s keeping a close eye on me. She and Oliver wanted to send me to one of those rehab facilities but I managed to convince them to let me stay home on the condition that I start seeing a therapist. She’s supposed to be really good from what Dinah’s told me.  
  
 **Roy:** In the meantime I’m taking some time off from school, which is probably a good idea since I wasn’t going to my classes anyway. I don’t know if Star U will take me back after I fucked up the first semester so badly, so I might try out community college next fall. Give myself a break and all that.  
  
 **Roy:** As for Lian, I’m going to wait a while before I see her. I want her dad to be healthy and have his life back in order before she meets him, you know? She deserves at least that. And I bit the bullet and told Oliver and Dinah about her last night which was...uncomfortable. Oliver has been freaking out over being a grandfather ever since though and that’s been pretty entertaining. He's thinking about getting highlights in his goatee.  
  
 **Roy:** So...that’s it I guess. I’m sorry I was such an asshole to you all. You didn’t deserve it and if you’re not up to forgiving me now or ever, I completely understand.  
  
 **Artemis:** You dumbass  
  
 **Roy:** I’ll fight you.  
  
 **Dick:** Come on Roy, did you really think we could give up on you so easily?  
  
 **Conner:** sorry to break it to you dude but we care about you. im just glad youre okay  
  
 **Raquel:** Same, I have so much to catch you up on since last time we heard from you and most of it involves me accidentally killing my neighbor’s petunias, but that’s a story for another day  
  
 **Megan:** We could never hate you Roy, we all love you and that won’t change just because you made a few mistakes  
  
 **Zatanna:** yeah! if i dumped a friend every time they screwed up i would have left artemis in a gutter two years ago when she put mayonnaise on my sandwich  
  
 **Artemis:** How many times are you going to make me apologize for that??  
  
 **Zatanna:** mayonnaise is the devil’s man serum artemis!!! i could have died!!!  
  
 **Raquel:** “man serum”  
  
 **Kaldur:** We are your friends, Roy. And we will keep being your friends no matter how many times you stumble.  
  
 **Wally:** which is a lot  
  
 **Roy:** Thanks guys.  
  
 **Wally:** like, A LOT a lot  
  
 **Roy:**...Yeah.  
  
 **Wally:** so fucking much it's hard to believe one single person could screw up as many times as you have over the years  
  
 **Roy:** OKAY WALLY WE GET IT.  
  
 **Roy:** For real though, I’m going to make this up to you all eventually. I promise.  
  
 **Dick:** That's okay, you can start making it up to us now!  
  
 **Dick:** I ordered a frappuccino from Starbucks but my brothers duct-taped me to the ceiling so can you go pick it up for me? Make sure there’s extra whipped cream and lemon juice in there okay  
  
 **Raquel:** Did...Did you just say lemon juice?  
  
 **Dick:** Yes  
  
 **Zatanna:** o_O  
  
 **Raquel:** Why????  
  
 **Dick:** I like my coffee with a tablespoon of pain now mind your own beeswax  
  
 **Roy:** Oh how I’ve missed this place.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Sunday, January 26** **  
****12:09 EST**

**Tim:** What dở I have in common with ằ bat  
  
 **Bart:** you hang upside down and fly around people’s attics?  
  
 **Steph:** you succ people's blood  
  
 **Jaime:** Someone ate you and now the whole world is in crisis?  
  
 **Bart:** what  
  
 **Jaime:** What.  
  
 **Tim:** i mểant the baseball kind  
  
 **Bart:** ew you want to talk to me about sports? disGUSTANG  
  
 **Tim:** just answer the quesṭion please  
  
 **Jaime:** Uhhhhhh you hit people?  
  
 **Garfield:** you’re sculpted out of dead trees  
  
 **Cassie:** Carrie Underwood used you to smash the headlights on her cheating boyfriend’s car  
  
 **Tim:** No, ṅo, and I wish  
  
 **Bart:** tell us the answer please because I’m losing interest fast  
  
 **Tim:** I swing both ẁays ;)  
  
 **Cassie:** Boooooo get off the stage  
  
 **Steph:** 2/10 sorry hon :/  
  
 **Jaime:** YOU STINK, BRING ON THE CLOWN!  
  
 **Garfield:** also don’t bats get swung one way? you only swing once to hit the ball, you’re not standing there at the plate waving the stick around like a lunatic. there are rules  
  
 **Tim:** LISTEN I’M A GAY NƎRD OKAY I DON’T DO SPORTS CŪT ME SOME SLACK HERE  
  
 **Garfield:** THEN WHY ARE YOU MAKING SPORTS JOKES WHEN CLEARLY THIS ISN’T YOUR AREA OF EXPERTISE  
  
 **Tim:** BECAŰSE I WANTED TO ẞE COOL AND FIT IN NOW STOP CRITICIZING ME  
  
 **Jaime:** Why didn’t you say a wrecking ball? That could have been funny.  
  
 **Cassie:** Yeah or like a pendulum or a metronome or something  
  
 **Bart:** or you could have said newton’s cradle, that’s a science nerd thing so it’s perfect for you!  
  
 **Tim:** sigh  
  
 **Tim:** You peợple are the reason I drink  
  
 **Bart:** you don’t even drink alcohol tho? **  
** **  
** **Tim:** i drink coffee ğrounds mixed with redbulls and thåt’s worse  
  
 **Garfield:** how are you still alive??  
  
 **Tim:** Uninteñtionally i assure you  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **  
****  
****Monday, January 27** **  
****16:34 EST**

**Dxck:** RED ALERT RED ALERT 911 EMERGENCY EMERGENCY!!!!! WE HAVE A PROBLEM LADS  
  
 **Wxlly:** man it’s been millennia since we needed this chat  
  
 **Wxlly:** last time was for kaldur’s surprise party over the summer right?  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** oh yeahhh that was a fun time  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** remember when we threw kallie into the pool while him and roy were making out on the deck like a couple of gays? gooooood times  
  
 **Mxgxn:** (pssssst I think Kaldur and Roy are still broken up right now so ixnay on the elationship-ray)  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** (oh yeah i forgot about that)  
  
 **Dxck:** (pssssssssst don’t you think it’s a little awkward to be talking about this right in front of them?)  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** (ton nehw ew od ti ekil siht s’ti ton)  
  
 **Mxgxn:** (sediseb er’ew gnisu sisehtnerap os ti tn’seod tnuoc)  
  
 **Rxy:** You know we can all hear you, right?  
  
 **Dxck:** (“raeh” dluow tseggus taht uoy nac raeh sdnuos tub siht si ton a labrev noitasrevnoc, kcehc dna etam)  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** (sulp er’ew gniklat ni edoc os uoy t’nac dnatsrednu su neve fi uoy detnaw ot)  
  
 **Kxldxr:** Yes we can understand your code, it isn’t very difficult.  
  
 **Mxgxn:** (......)  
  
 **Mxgxn:** (I kniht er’yeht otno su syob)  
  
 **Kxldxr:** ANYWAY.  
  
 **Kxldxr:** What is the problem, Dick?  
  
 **Dxck:** Oh yeah  
  
 **Dxck:** GATHER ‘ROUND FOLKS, FOR I HAVE MADE A STARTLING DISCOVERY THAT REQUIRES ALL HANDS ON DECK!! THAT INCLUDES HOOK HANDS AND/OR GLOVES  
  
 **Rxqxxl:** Dang it I was hoping my hook hands, peg legs, and two eyepatches would give me an out  
  
 **Rxy:** Dick does this mean you finally found the dinosaur fossil I buried in your backyard the day before I left for college??  
  
 **Dxck:** The what  
  
 **Cxnnxr:** okay but you see this chat was specifically made for birthday surprise purposes and there are no birthdays coming up which means youre committing a felony here and im afraid im gonna have to report this to the chief of police on the microwave  
  
 **Dxck:** YES THERE IS INDEED A BIRTHDAY COMING UP ACTUALLY  
  
 **Kxldxr:**?  
  
 **Dxck:** DRUM ROLL PLEASE WALLY  
  
 **Wxlly:** badumbadumbadumbadumbadum………………  
  
 **Dxck:** *ahem*  
  
 **Dxck:** ARTEMIS IS TURNING EIGHTEEN TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** waiT WHAT  
  
 **Wxlly:** you got artemis to tell you her birthday???? HOW?????  
  
 **Dxck:** I was snooping through the school’s mainframe for gremlin reasons and “accidentally” got into Artemis’ file, and there it was! January 28th! Clear as day!  
  
 **Rxy:** Well sure, I could have told you that.  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** U KNEW???  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** do u have any idea how much time i’ve spent over the years trying to get this info out of her???? pulling her teeth out would have been EASIER  
  
 **Rxy:** Sorry guys, pseudo-sibling-in-laws before regular people. Artemis isn’t the biggest fan of her birthday.  
  
 **Dxck:** Why?? I love my birthday, it’s a day all about me  
  
 **Rxy:** Exactly. Don’t know if any of you have noticed this by the Everything about her, but Artemis isn’t the biggest fan of attention.  
  
 **Wxlly:** well yeah but birthdays are different. birthdays are when you’re supposed to have fun and enjoy spending time with the people who love you  
  
 **Wxlly:** plus there's cake!  
  
 **Wxlly:** doesn’t she want that?  
  
 **Rxy:** Nope. And it’s why she made me promise not to tell you guys, so I’m staying out of whatever it is you turtle dongs are planning for tomorrow.   
  
**Rxy:** I’m serious. One time I thought it would be a good idea to surprise her with a cake and sing happy birthday to her. She got so mad she set my shower curtain on fire.  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** huh. noted!  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** anyways i vote we throw her a surprise party with giraffes what say u folks  
  
 **Dxck:** I know a guy with a giraffe!  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** excellent!  
  
 **Kxldxr:** Perhaps Artemis would appreciate a quiet dinner? We can splurge and go somewhere fancy but also somewhere a bunch of high school kids can afford.  
  
 **Kxldxr:** Like Wendy’s.  
  
 **Cxnnxr:** what if we kidnap her tomorrow morning and put her in the trunk and take her to the beach for a day of swimming and sand castles instead of going to school  
  
 **Dxck:** It’s January  
  
 **Cxnnxr:** says a quitter  
  
 **Rxqxxl:** Or or or!!! We make a birthday-themed scavenger hunt that leads her to a rockin’ party at the aquarium!!   
  
**Mxgxn:** Didn’t you all hear what Roy said? Artemis didn’t tell us about her birthday because she doesn’t like the attention  
  
 **Wxlly:** yeahhh no offense but if we did any of that stuff artemis would freak  
  
 **Wxlly:** she doesn’t want anyone making a huge deal about her birthday and I think we owe her at least that  
  
 **Dxck:** I guess you’re right  
  
 **Dxck:** Something lowkey then?  
  
 **Wxlly:** the lowest of keys. we have to fly completely under the radar for this one  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** what about leaving a baby pine tree in her house and putting presents under it?  
  
 **Wxlly:** lower  
  
 **Kxldxr:** Solving a murder in her name?  
  
 **Wxlly:** lower  
  
 **Cxnnxr:** knitting her a sweater  
  
 **Wxlly:** even lower. we have to make it so that she doesn’t even know we know about her birthday in the first place  
  
 **Rxqxxl:** How are we going to do that? I mean this is Artemis we’re talking about, there’s nothing we can slip past her that she won’t notice  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** I’VE GOT IT  
  
 **Dxck:** Lay it on us Zee  
  
 **Zxtxnnx:** okay so i have like...10%-ish of a plan, but if we’re going to do this right then it’s gonna require a heck ton of precision  
  
 **Mxgxn:** What is it?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Roy > Satan** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****05:21 EST**

**Roy:** Happy birthday. :) You fucking loser. :)   
  
**Satan:** Thanks douche waffle :)   
  
**Roy:** Any plans for today? Aside from satanic rituals and probably fighting lobsters at the grocery store of course.   
  
**Satan:** I have an english quiz today on a book I didn’t read, but after school I think I might head to the archery range for a while. Wanna come?   
  
**Roy:** Hell yeah. :^D   
  
**Satan:** Please don’t make me look at emojis with noses at five in the morning my heart can’t take it   
  
**Roy:** :^(  
  
 **Satan:** I warned you   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****05:26 EST**

**_Block this number? [Yes] [No]_ **   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Arty** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****06:19 EST**

**Zatanna:** hey can u do me a favor?   
  
**Arty:** Sure what is it   
  
**Zatanna:** i found a dunkin gift card in my backpack that i totally forgot i had and it apparently expires today and has like $20 on it so please let me buy u a breakfast sandwich and coffee that way it doesn’t go to waste bc i can’t eat all of this myself   
  
**Arty:** _NICE_ I WILL TOTALLY HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEM  
  
 **Zatanna:** thanks arty!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Artemis** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****08:42 EST**

**Dick:** What class do you have next period?   
  
**Artemis:** Study hall, why?   
  
**Dick:** Wanna come to gym with me and be my partner for volleyball? I have Mrs. Prince-Trevor and she’s really chill so she won’t care if you show up unannounced as long as you can play   
  
**Artemis:** Sure!   
  
**Artemis:** I’m gonna have to warn you though that I’m pretty competitive. People will get hurt   
  
**Dick:** Well duh why do you think I picked you   
  
**Dick:** Meet you by the bleachers?   
  
**Artemis:** See you there   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Artemis** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****09:47 EST**

**Megan:** I know this is probably a dumb question because I doubt you’ve read it, but have you by chance ever read The Hunger Games?   
  
**Artemis:** OH MY GOD THAT’S MY FAVORITE SERIES OF ALL TIME ARE YOU KIDDING ME I LIVE AND BREATHE THAT SHIT   
  
**Megan:** Perfect! We were supposed to read the series for my english class but I totally forgot to do it and I have a test on it today. Do you think you could do me a favor and explain the entire series to me in explicit detail?   
  
**Artemis:** What class are you taking that’s making you read that whole series and where can I find it   
  
**Megan:** Doesn’t matter, do you think you can help me out? I’d really really really appreciate it   
  
**Artemis:** Megs of COURSE I will oh my god this is a dream come TRUE okay meet me in the bathroom near the library and I’ll give you the rundown   
  
**Artemis:** You are SO lucky I got bored and made a powerpoint with visual aids and quoted evidence over the summer this is going to be so fun oh my GOD   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****10:18 EST**

**Artemis:** Babe you’re not gonna believe it, I just spent like fifteen minutes telling Megan about the Hunger Games because she needed it for a CLASS of all things and it was so fun, I got to show her my powerpoint and everything. PLUS Kaldur convinced our history teacher to let us watch a movie instead of doing work today it was AMAZING  
  
 **Baywatch:** that’s great!  
  
 **Baywatch:** btw are you up to going someplace else for lunch today? I’m kinda sick of taco tuesday   
  
**Artemis:** Sure, where do you want to go?  
  
 **Baywatch:** depends on what you want beautiful  
  
 **Artemis:** I’ve been kinda in the mood for sushi all day so you should write the school an angry letter about how I’m mad at it for not being near any sushi restaurants. We can go to Big Belly Burger if you want? Or anything else quick and easy  
  
 **Baywatch:** sounds like quitter talk to me  
  
 **Baywatch:** class ends in like five minutes so I’ll just use the ol' “I feel sick” card to get out early and drop by that market down the street to pick us up some sushi and drinks  
  
 **Baywatch:** we can have a picnic in the gsa room all romantic-like  
  
 **Artemis:** Oh yeah? What’s the occasion?  
  
 **Baywatch:** if a person needs an occasion to have a sushi picnic with their girlfriend then they’re doing it wrong  
  
 **Artemis:** Fair enough  
  
 **Artemis:** Don’t forget to save the receipt so I can pay you back okay  
  
 **Baywatch:** don’t worry about it, you can pay me back by telling me about this powerpoint of yours  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Roy > Kaldur** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****10:29 EST**

**Roy:** Hey Kal.   
  
**Kaldur:** What do you need?   
  
**Roy:** Nothing. I was just...wondering if we could talk.   
  
**Kaldur:** Over text?   
  
**Roy:** Would you believe me if I said I was too scared to talk to you in person?   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m not angry with you, if that’s what you are worried about.   
  
**Roy:** I wouldn’t blame you if you were. And honestly, you probably should be. I was an ass.   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes you were.   
  
**Roy:** I took you for granted and that was a shitty thing to do. The whole time I was dealing with my own baggage I think I just had it in my head that no matter what happened, I still had you. Like I just checked you off a box and figured that was that. I never considered your feelings and you deserved better.   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes I did.   
  
**Roy:** I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, if I’m being honest. I don’t expect you to forgive me or even to understand, I just...I dunno.   
  
**Roy:** It feels weird not talking to you. I know we were dating and all but even then, at the core of it all, you were my best friend. And I guess I miss that.   
  
**Kaldur:** I miss it too.   
  
**Kaldur:** But that doesn’t automatically fix everything, you know. You can’t just waltz back in and expect me to forget about what happened.   
  
**Roy:** I know. I fucked up big time. If you want me to stop bothering you and go back to being polite acquaintances since we run in the same friend group and all, I understand.   
  
**Kaldur:** That isn’t what I want.   
  
**Kaldur:** As much as I know I should be angry and hate you for what happened, I can’t ignore the fact that you were going through something as well. Even when things were at their lowest, I had to remember that you were hurting just as much as I was despite it being for different reasons.   
  
**Kaldur:** I wasn’t lying when I told you I still loved you the day things ended between us. And it is as true now as it was then.   
  
**Roy:** I still love you too.   
  
**Roy:** So...what now then?   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m not sure. I don’t think I am ready to be boyfriends again.   
  
**Roy:** I get it. Take as long as you need.   
  
**Kaldur:** But maybe...if we go slow this time? Start with a date. Work our way up again. Just...give me some time.   
  
**Roy:** I can do that.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Good.  
  
 **Roy:** And I promise I won’t stop until I make this up to you Kal.   
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you. I’ve missed you, Roy.   
  
**Kaldur:** You have no idea how frustrating it's been watching Star Trek with Conner while you were gone. He couldn’t even see the romantic tension between Kirk and Spock.   
  
**Roy:** Now that’s just crazy, Kirk and Spock are THE original gay ship and I've written essays to prove it.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Artemis** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****16:23 EST**

**Conner:** hey art are you busy?  
  
 **Artemis:** Nope Roy and I just finished up archery practice, what’s up?  
  
 **Conner:** megan and raquel want to go to the bowlerama tonight but i suck at bowling so i figured if i have you on my team ill at least have a fighting chance, what do you think?  
  
 **Artemis:** Sounds fun! What time are you going?  
  
 **Conner:** at 5. pick you up around then?  
  
 **Artemis:** Cool beans  
  
 **Artemis:** Oh my god did I really just say that  
  
 **Conner:** wow  
  
 **Conner:** wally is a bad influence on you  
  
 **Artemis:** I always worried this day would come  
  
 **Artemis:** It was nice knowing you but I've gotta erase my identity and flee the state now oh well  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****18:54 EST**

**Garfield:** good news! I’m being euthanized today who wants an invite   
  
**Bart:** oooh electric chair?   
  
**Garfield:** I was thinking firing squad. more entertaining for the audience because of blood splatter reasons   
  
**Bart:** heck yes I’m in   
  
**Steph:** it’s about time i witnessed a public execution!   
  
**Traci:** Do we get context for this decision or…..?   
  
**Garfield:** for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to try bleaching my hair with supplies I got from the dollar store because I already spent most of my allowance on pokemon cards   
  
**Violet:** Uh oh. How did it go?   
  
**Garfield:** [image sent]   
  
**Garfield:** I have regerts   
  
**Traci:** Wow :o   
  
**Steph:** oh honey you screwed up BAD   
  
**Violet:** That...is very unfortunate.   
  
**Garfield:** yes, yes it is   
  
**Bart:** you look like a douchebag in a disney channel show   
  
**Bart:** but like. if he was blind and dipped his head in glue and yellow easter egg dye and then soaked it all in vinegar for twelve hours straight under the sun’s cruel rays   
  
**Garfield:** thanks man, appreciate it   
  
**Traci:** What are you going to do?   
  
**Garfield:** I mean,, I thought euthanasia was a pretty solid option   
  
**Garfield:** or banishment to some tropical island with monkeys and coconuts at least   
  
**Violet:** I can help!   
  
**Garfield:** oh you have a guillotine to decapitate me with?   
  
**Violet:** No, but I think I can help you fix your hair! :^D   
  
**Violet:** My mother works at a hair salon and I have picked up a few tricks from her. You cannot see it, but under the hijab my hair has purple streaks. I can probably help you dye your hair and make it look nice again.   
  
**Garfield:** you mean it?? oh my god Violet I would die for you please help me, anything is an improvement to this disaster zone   
  
**Violet:** Do you want to dye it back to the original color or would you rather do something different? I have had a lot of practice and am quite good so I think I can do whatever color you want.   
  
**Garfield:** hey guys what color should I dye my hair because I have nothing else to live for so why not place my complete trust in the hands of my weird friends   
  
**Traci:** Dye it pink!   
  
**Steph:** i vote pink too   
  
**Bart:** PINK PINK PINK   
  
**Garfield:** you heard them Vi, pink it is   
  
**Violet:** Yay!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Gar** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****20:11 EST**

**Megan:** WHY DID I JUST SEE YOU WITH PINK HAIR ON YOUR SNAPCHAT STORY????   
  
**Gar:** Violet dyed it for me :D   
  
**Gar:** what do you think?   
  
**Megan:** I THINK IT LOOKS INCREDIBLE AND I’M SO JEALOUS BUT UNCLE JOHN IS GOING TO MURDER YOU AND CHOP YOU INTO TINY PIECES AS SOON AS HE GETS HOME SO _GOOD LUCK BUDDY_ _  
_   
**Gar:** …………...oh no   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Tuesday, January 28** **  
****23:22 EST**

**Artemis:** So there I was, innocently getting ready for bed like usual, when suddenly I discover one (1) lone cupcake on my windowsill  
  
 **Artemis:** Any idea of how it got there?  
  
 **Baywatch:** hmmm well it sounds like someone must really love you and wanted to make sure you end the day on a good note  
  
 **Artemis:** How did you find out? It better not have been Roy  
  
 **Baywatch:** let’s just say a little birdie told me  
  
 **Artemis:** Jesus fuck I’m going to murder that kid. I knew everyone was being suspiciously nice to me today  
  
 **Baywatch:** sorry to break it to you babe, but you’re more loved than you think  
  
 **Baywatch:** so...did you? have a good day I mean  
  
 **Artemis:** As much as I hate to admit it, I really did. Thanks  
  
 **Baywatch:** good  
  
 **Artemis:** I appreciate the electric candle on the cupcake by the way. nice touch  
  
 **Baywatch:** what can I say? I’m all about fire safety  
  
 **Baywatch:** happy birthday artemis <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that, you say? Why didn't I dye Gar's hair green for Beast Boy reasons since it makes so much more sense than dyeing it pink? That does sound like a better idea doesn't it. It's a shame I can't spell the color green oh well, I guess we're sticking with pink what a shame.
> 
> And yes I did make Diana and Steve married in this au because uhhhhhhhhhhh nobody told me not to.
> 
> Also you know what's wild? When I was editing the Kaldur/Roy scene I was listening to that song Michele skated to during That Scene on Yuri on Ice, "Serenade For Two" I think it's called? Anyways that song made the whole scene hit different and it was cool.


	18. Horses and Chickens and Drugs, Oh My!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wally and Conner are rednecks, Conner takes advice from Taylor Lautner, and Bart gets his wisdom teeth removed.

**Wally > Megalicious** **  
****  
****Friday, January 31** **  
****11:11 EST**

**Wally:** are you a camera?   
  
**Wally:** because I smile whenever I look at you ;)   
  
**Megalicious:** I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together   
  
**Wally:** girl that was so SMOOTH what the FUCK   
  
**Wally:** MENTAL HIGH FIVE   
  
**Megalicious:** MENTAL HIGH FIVE!!! :D   
  
**Megalicious:** I told Conner that one you sent me the other day where it’s like “Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a sweet ass” and he blushed so much I felt so accomplished   
  
**Wally:** not to be gay or anything but like   
  
**Wally:** he really does have a sweet ass   
  
**Megalicious:** He DOES   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Tornado** **  
****  
****Friday, January 31** **  
****13:02 EST**

**Kaldur:** Mr. Smith, I am here as a representative for the rest of the Gay/Straight Alliance club.   
  
**Tornado:** yes kaldur I know who you are. you ate my skittles yesterday.   
  
**Kaldur:** We as a group have decided that today our meeting will take place not in the GSA room like usual, but at the other end of the basement near the dusty Halloween decorations and the old toilet with swamp water in it.   
  
**Tornado:** how did you get this number.   
  
**Kaldur:** Dick gave it to me.   
  
**Tornado:** not to hinder your freedom as teenagers, but this is my third cell phone of the year specifically because you kids keep finding my number and calling me at weird times.   
  
**Tornado:** a man needs his rest.   
  
**Kaldur:** I am just a messenger.   
  
**Kaldur:** So...can we do it?   
  
**Tornado:** do what.   
  
**Kaldur:** Have GSA near the toilet.   
  
**Tornado:** you make it sound as if I have the power to control the things you kids do.   
  
**Kaldur:** True, but I thought it would be polite to ask anyway.   
  
**Tornado:** why do you want to meet near the toilet.   
  
**Kaldur:** Zatanna said she saw ghosts in that corner of the basement, which sparked an intense debate over whether the ghosts are gay or not. We came to the conclusion that they might, and therefore we should have today’s meeting in their zone of the high school underworld that way we can summon them with ouija boards and invite them to enjoy gay club with us.   
  
**Tornado:** that is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said to me.   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes it is.   
  
**Kaldur:** Can we do it?   
  
**Tornado:** I hope you know I’m sighing right now.   
  
**Tornado:** but fine.   
  
**Kaldur:** THANK YOU.   
  
**Kaldur:** As a gift for letting us be the stupid high schoolers we are, the club has collaborated and made you a gift.   
  
**Tornado:** vacation days?   
  
**Kaldur:** A robot friend made out of erasers and rainbow pipe cleaners.   
  
**Tornado:** ...thank you?   
  
**Kaldur:** You are very welcome. :)   
  
**Tornado:** teenage customs still elude me.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Prince Humperdinck’s Concubines** **  
****  
****Saturday, February 1** **  
****05:31 EST**

**Dick:** HAPPY FIRST DAY OF FEBRUARY MY DEAR FOLKSIES   
  
**Dick:** …   
  
**Dick:** Helloooooooo   
  
**Dick:** How are none of you awake right now?? What was there a worldwide plague that I missed while I was playing Dance Dance Revolution at 3am?   
  
**Dick:** Sigh   
  
**Dick:** One truly is the loneliest number   
  
**Conner:** you realize its 5 in the morning on a saturday right   
  
**Dick:** CONNER!!! :D Hi howdy wassup how’s it going   
  
**Conner:** tired   
  
**Dick:** SOUNDS FUN   
  
**Wally:** dick, my bestest friend in the seven seas, the right foot to my left foot, the peanut butter to my celery   
  
**Wally:** you know I love you to jupiter and back,   
  
**Wally:** but why the fuck are you making human contact with me at 5am   
  
**Dick:** Well I WAS going to have you all vote on the new chat name since it is now February, but I guess I’ll just do it myself   
  
**Dick has renamed the group:** **_Underappreciated And Overqualified: A Dick Grayson Memoir_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **Roy:** Kind of lengthy, don’t you think?   
  
**Dick:** What you don’t like it? :)   
  
**Dick:** Sounds like maybe I should have had everyone vote on the new name? :)   
  
**Dick:** Huh :)   
  
**Dick:** Wish I’d thought of that :)   
  
**Megan:** I vote for Shrinky Dinks!!!   
  
**Dick:** YOU’RE AWAKE TOO???   
  
**Artemis:** Why Shrinky Dinks?   
  
**Megan:** I just like the way it sounds ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Wally:** how about “valentine sluts”   
  
**Artemis:** Too generic   
  
**Artemis:** I vote for “SLUTS WITH HEARTS” all caps included   
  
**Kaldur:** But see, that one doesn’t work.   
  
**Artemis:** Why not?   
  
**Kaldur:** Because you’re a slut with no heartI’M SORRY IT’S A JOKE PLEASE DON’T BE ANGRY WITH ME I JUST SAW AN OPPORTUNITY AND I TOOK IT.   
  
**Wally:** KJHGFDFGHJKL   
  
**Artemis:** Wow   
  
**Wally:** KALDUR I’M GONNA FUCKING PISS MYSELF WHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM   
  
**Artemis:** Kaldur I’m so fucking proud of you :’)   
  
**Artemis:** Though the fact that you couldn’t even get the sentence out without apologizing made it kind of lose its fire so I give it a solid 9/10   
  
**Kaldur:** Thanks.   
  
**Kaldur:** I vote we change the name to “Valentine’s Day Gremlins.”   
  
**Dick:** Hmmmm I like it   
  
**Zatanna:** what about “berry cute-teas”?   
  
**Dick:** HMMMMM I LIKE IT EVEN MORE   
  
**Raquel:** I vote for Butter Sluts   
  
**Roy:** Jalepe ñ os of Doom.   
  
**Conner:** BEETS   
  
**Dick:** YES   
  
**Dick has renamed the group:** **_BEETS_ ** **  
****  
****Kaldur:** What—   
  
**Kaldur:** What does that even mean?   
  
**Conner:** it means beets obviously   
  
**Artemis:** That makes no sense   
  
**Conner:** yes it does   
  
**Conner:** its beets   
  
**Megan:** Why can’t it be a Valentine’s pun?   
  
**Conner:** because its beets   
  
**Wally:** okay but I really think it should have “sluts” in the title   
  
**Conner:** NO BECAUSE ITS BEETS   
  
**Raquel:** How about a different vegetable?   
  
**Conner:** NO ITS BEETS AND ITS STAYING BEETS   
  
**Dick:** I’m sorry but I can’t get over the fact that every single fucking one of you is awake right now   
  
**Artemis:** Oh yeah I’m always up this early   
  
**Kaldur:** As am I.   
  
**Roy:** I like to do naked sunrise salutations on weekends.   
  
**Zatanna:** my dad wakes up early to play really loud jazz music while he makes breakfast on saturdays   
  
**Conner:** im nocturnal   
  
**Raquel:** I’m also nocturnal ever since I got bitten by that bat a few days ago   
  
**Raquel:** Garlic hurts my mouth now   
  
**Wally:** YEHA WELL I WAS SLEEPING UNTIL YOU GUYS BLEW UP MY PHONE WITH NOTIFICATIONS SO THANKS FOR THAT   
  
**Megan:** Yeha   
  
**Wally:** I meant yeah   
  
**Megan:** Or did you?   
  
**Wally:** yes   
  
**Artemis:** Sounds to me like your hillbilly Kansas brain wanted to say yeehaw   
  
**Wally:** no it didn’t   
  
**Dick:** If Socks could hear this she would be disappointed in you for rejecting your Kansas past Wally   
  
**Megan:** ???   
  
**Zatanna:** who the hecc is socks??   
  
**Dick:** His horse   
  
**Artemis:** _WALLY HAS A HORSE????_ _  
_   
**Dick:** Yeah, you guys didn’t know that?   
  
**Artemis:** No?????  
  
 **Kaldur:** Why did you name her Socks??  
  
 **Wally:** you got a problem with that?   
  
**Dick:** I think she lives at one of his old relative’s farms a few towns south of Keystone these days   
  
**Megan:** I WANNA SEE I WANNA SEE LET ME SEE HER LET ME WITNESS THE HORSE   
  
**Wally:** [image sent]   
  
**Zatanna:** HORSE!!! <3<3<3   
  
**Wally:** okay but why am I being singled out here for growing up in kansas when conner lived there longer than I did   
  
**Conner:** i dont think so? i moved here when i was 10   
  
**Artemis:** When did you move here Wally?   
  
**Wally:** …………………...I plead the fifth   
  
**Dick:** He was twelve at the time which means he was in Kansas longer than Conner so therefore!!   
  
**Dick:** WALLY IS A HICK I REST MY CASE   
  
**Wally:** you all are crazy   
  
**Megan:** Don’t you mean y’all?   
  
**Wally:** NO I DO NOT STOP BULLYING ME   
  
**Conner:** yeah, y’ain’t being fair to our poor redneck friend here   
  
**Wally:** SHUT UP YOU’RE THE REDNECK   
  
**Dick:** Can confirm Wally has like ten flannel shirts in his closet   
  
**Wally:** that’s because I’m GAY   
  
**Dick:** AND A CLOSETED BUMPKIN   
  
**Wally:** YOUR FACE IS A BUMPKIN   
  
**Dick:** THAT MAKES NO SENSE   
  
**Wally:** IT DOES IF YOU’RE FROM KANSAS   
  
**Conner:** my dad let me keep a baby chicken when i visited his parents farm in smallville over the summer and she lives in a tiny coop in my room and her and wolf are best friends   
  
**Zatanna:** pics pleaseeee   
  
**Conner:** [image sent]   
  
**Conner:** she has a mohawk because shes special   
  
**Zatanna:** awwwwwwwwwwww she’s baby   
  
**Raquel:** Chicken!!! <3   
  
**Artemis:** Not to be a carnivore or anything but like. I wonder what that lil ball of fluff tastes like   
  
**Megan:** _NO!!!!_   
  
**Dick:** Probably like chicken   
  
**Artemis:** You think so?   
  
**Megan:** _Don’t eat his chicken!!!!_   
  
**Wally:** hey conner what’s your chicken’s name   
  
**Conner:** chicken   
  
**Wally:** I love her   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Sunday, February 2** **  
****10:18 EST**

**Artemis:** Did the fucking groundhog see his fucking shadow today   
  
**Zatanna:** it fucking did   
  
**Artemis:** Well FUCK   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Monday, February 3** **  
****08:16 EST**

**Bart:** well it looks like I’m dying tomorrow fellas, it was nice knowing you all   
  
**Violet:** That’s a shame. I will miss you Bart.   
  
**Jaime:** Oh well hermano I guess it’s just your time. Safe travels.   
  
**Tim:** Bring më a souvenir from the afterlife ğift shop!   
  
**Bart:** my funeral will be polly pocket themed so you’d better not disappoint me out there when I’m deceased and moded guys   
  
**Garfield:** why are you dying? did you eat moldy bread again   
  
**Bart:** THAT WAS ONE TIME   
  
**Bart:** and no, sadly I regret to inform you all that I have…………………….   
  
**Bart:** a DENTIST APPOINTMENT   
  
**Bart:** DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN   
  
**Jaime:** Oh that’s kind of boring actually. Dentists are cool.   
  
**Bart:** yeah but this one is going to RIP MY WISDOM TEETH OUT!!!   
  
**Bart:** THEY’RE GONNA TAKE MY TEETH OUT OF MY HEAD PAINFULLY WITH BONE SAWS AND PIRATE HOOKS AND BLOOD   
  
**Bart:** I’LL _DIE_   
  
**Tim:** yeah but yoů’ll have anesthesia añd stuff   
  
**Bart:** EVEN WORSE   
  
**Bart:** WHAT IF THEY STEAL EXTRA TEETH WITHOUT TELLING ME?? WHAT IF I _DIE????_   
  
**Garfield:** when’s your appointment?   
  
**Bart:** tomorrow at 2   
  
**Bart:** I have until then to complete everything on my bucket list before my death   
  
**Ed:** Yeah well it’s your own fault for letting your teeth grow   
  
**Ed:** You should do what I do and grind your teeth on some gravel instead of chewing gum   
  
**Bart:** oh NOW you tell me. now, when I am on death’s door   
  
**Ed:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Bart:** I have no allies   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Connie** **  
****  
****Monday, February 3** **  
****11:05 EST**

**Zatanna:** [image sent]   
  
**Zatanna:** what am i looking at here   
  
**Connie:** oh boy its a picture of me   
  
**Zatanna:** yes it is   
  
**Zatanna:** would u care to explain to me where ur shirt went   
  
**Connie:** what?   
  
**Connie:** oh   
  
**Connie:** huh   
  
**Connie:** i guess i forgot   
  
**Zatanna:** u...forgot to put on a shirt today. u literally left ur house and came to school without a shirt   
  
**Connie:** looks like it   
  
**Zatanna:** what the fuck man   
  
**Connie:** cut me some slack okay, its hard remembering the intricacies of a morning routine   
  
**Connie:** sometimes things fall through the cracks   
  
**Zatanna:** ur not wearing a SHIRT   
  
**Zatanna:** i can see ur TIDDIES   
  
**Connie:** i havent gotten in trouble for it yet   
  
**Zatanna:** it’s FEBRUARY   
  
**Zatanna:** aren’t u cold???   
  
**Connie:** not really no   
  
**Connie:** i do feel more free than usual though   
  
**Connie:** its liberating not wearing a shirt   
  
**Connie:** i wonder if this is why people like french beaches so much   
  
**Zatanna:** i’m sure it is   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
****  
****Tuesday, February 4** **  
****14:26 EST**

**Wally:** you never know true awkwardness until you watch a movie with a light sex scene in it while your parents are in the room  
  
 **Wally:** barry couldn’t care less but I swear my bones melted out of my body like the wicked witch of the west  
  
 **Wally:** I’m never watching twilight ever again  
  
 **Blondie:** Yikes  
  
 **Blondie:** That’s weird  
  
 **Wally:** it really was  
  
 **Blondie:**...You know we could do that  
  
 **Wally:** watch a movie? I mean we can this weekend if you want but I don’t know if there’s anything good out  
  
 **Blondie:** No the other thing  
  
 **Blondie:** You know  
  
 **Blondie:** Have sex  
  
 **Wally:** oh  
  
 **Wally:** um  
  
 **Wally:** really?  
  
 **Blondie:** If you don’t want to that’s totally cool of course, I just thought of it and idk I figured I might as well mention it  
  
 **Wally:** yeah no uh  
  
 **Wally:** I just didn’t think you were into that stuff  
  
 **Blondie:** If you’re not comfortable with it then that’s fine and I won’t bring it up again  
  
 **Wally:** no I am  
  
 **Blondie:** Oh  
  
 **Wally:** yeah, just  
  
 **Wally:** I don’t know if you knew this, but I’m not like most other guys  
  
 **Wally:** shocking I know  
  
 **Blondie:** Well duh, why do you think I like you so much? Nobody is like Wally West  
  
 **Wally:** you know what I mean  
  
 **Wally:** I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting into here  
  
 **Blondie:** Wally  
  
 **Wally:** yeah?  
  
 **Blondie:** Do you want to have sex with me?  
  
 **Wally:** uhh very much so yes  
  
 **Blondie:** Great, so do I  
  
 **Wally:** okay  
  
 **Blondie:** Cool  
  
 **Wally:** cool  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Tuesday, February 4** **  
****15:29 EST**

**Cassie:** @Bart how are you doing? Your appointment was at 2:00 right?  
  
 **Tim:** didn’t yốu hear him yesterday, the dềntist stole his teeth and noẃ he’s dead  
  
 **Bart:** shut tHe fuvck U{P Timmothy  
  
 **Violet:** Hi Bart!! How was the dentist?  
  
 **Bart:** thehy stole my TEYETH VIOELET  
  
 **Bart:** ripepd them RIGTH out of my MOUTH  
  
 **Garfield:** gross. did you get to keep them?  
  
 **Bart:** I DIDD!! :D:D:D:D  
  
 **Bart:** tehyf gave them to me in a littttle baggy and nwo I have teeeth to make me so wise and shit  
  
 **Ed:** Looks like they gave you the good drugs huh?  
  
 **Bart:** I dofng’t fucking DO drug s I’m an upstadngin citize4n o famerica  
  
 **Jaime:** He’s high as a fucking kite.  
  
 **Bart:** oh yeha my bestiest best buddy jaime is the BEST and he’s watchign spacce trek wityh me   
  
**Jaime:** Iris asked if I’d hang out with him before and after the appointment because he was scared.  
  
 **Bart:** I WASNFT SACRED  
  
 **Jaime:** He wouldn’t stop shaking, it was actually kind of sad. Like Old Yeller.  
  
 **Jaime:** He cried in the waiting room and wouldn’t let go of Iris’s hand when it was his turn to go under the scalpel.  
  
 **Bart:** STOPT TELLIGN THEM THESE THIGNS YOU TRACTOR  
  
 **Cassie:** I think you mean traitor  
  
 **Bart:** YEAH THAT THIGN  
  
 **Bart:** IF YOU KE3PF SAYING THESE STUFF ED WILL THINK IM A SLOSET AND HE’KL NEVER LOEVE ME  
  
 **Tim:** This jụst in folks: Ɓart is a sloset  
  
 **Bart:** YOU;RE FACE IFS A SLSOET  
  
 **Tim:** thǎnks man  
  
 **Bart:** hefy eddy you dofnt think I’ m a lsoer do you, i’m suuper brave and cool i pormise  
  
 **Ed:** I think you’re on drugs  
  
 **Bart:** NO NO BNO I DON’’’T DO DRUGS I AM A GOFOD KID  
  
 **Bart:** one tiem wallly gave me a pizie stix and todl me it was cocaien and i didnt’ even eat it!!!  
  
 **Ed:** I believe you  
  
 **Bart:** oOKAY FINE I ATE TIT BUT OFNLY A LITTLE OKAY I DOFNGT DO CRACK ONLY CANDY AND DNETIST DRUGS  
  
 **Cassie:** “I ate tit”  
  
 **Cassie:** Hell yeah dude  
  
 **Bart:** NO!!! IM’ SO GAY I DONT’ EVEN LIKE GIRRRLS  
  
 **Bart:** GIRLS ARENT’’ PRETTY ONLY ED DORITO IS PRETTTY  
  
 **Traci:** I’m not pretty? :(  
  
 **Bart:** im sot sorry traci youre very pretttty but yuo can’t tell ed i sayds that or eklse he won’t think I have a cruzsh on inm anymore  
  
 **Tim:** dear gođ i wish I could get thiś on video  
  
 **Tim:** Jaime is it cọõl if I come over and rǝcord drugged up Bart?  
  
 **Jaime:** Go for it dude. His cheeks look like chipmunks.  
  
 **Steph:** awwww i wanna see!!  
  
 **Jaime:** [image sent]  
  
 **Violet:** Awww. :^)  
  
 **Garfield:** he looks miserable  
  
 **Cassie:** He looks like Scooby Doo after he got into Shaggy’s special brownie stash  
  
 **Ed:** Aren’t dogs allergic to chocolate?  
  
 **Cassie:** Yes he died instantly  
  
 **Garfield:** Bart I think you’ve got a little blood on your mouth  
  
 **Jaime:** He keeps thinking the cotton balls in his mouth are cotton candy and tries to eat them.   
  
**Jaime:** It’s a struggle.  
  
 **Steph:** hey bart fuck marry kill: ed, donald trump, troy bolton  
  
 **Traci:** Why??  
  
 **Steph:** because he’s at his most vulnerable and i want the truth  
  
 **Bart:** fuckc truemp, marry ed forEVERR, push troy botlon off a cliif  
  
 **Jaime:** Didn’t see that one coming.  
  
 **Cassie:** Alright people I need eyes on Ed, is he blushing?  
  
 **Ed:** HA I’m at Virgil’s house right now so none of you heathens will ever get to know. Check and mate  
  
 **Garfield Logan has added Virgil Hawkins to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Garfield:** what’s our status Virge?  
  
 **Virgil:** He’s redder than the red guy from don’t hug me I’m scared  
  
 **Garfield:** thank you for your wisdom  
  
 **Garfield Logan has removed Virgil Hawkins from the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Traci:** We stan a hero  
  
 **Ed:** You’re all traitors  
  
 **Tim:** I think you ḿean tractors  
  
 **Bart:** no i thinck he meaNs tacos  
  
 **Tim:** yes thǎt’s what I meanƗ  
  
 **Tim:** Hear that bǒys? Ed thinkṣ you’re all tacos  
  
 **Bart:** hee’s the hot4test taco in the whole entite world  
  
 **Violet:** What else do you think about Ed? Anything you’d like to say to him, Bart? :^)  
  
 **Ed:** *gasp* Violet you’ve betrayed me??  
  
 **Violet:** I’m sorry but my cable is not working and this is very entertaining.  
  
 **Bart:** i Thinj ed is the BESTG he’s so pertty and hi s hair looks like cwoboy bepop and he talks in spanishs so ncie and he gave me a cupcake once and he looks soi HOT when he skateboeards I lvoef him so much  
  
 **Cassie:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Cassie:** Well isn’t that interesting ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Ed:** Shut up guys he’s high, he has no idea what he’s saying  
  
 **Bart:** yes i DOO you fuckin liAr  
  
 **Bart:** jaimem tried to take my phoenn away but the jokjes on him befcasue I wernt to my room and put a chiar in the door so baow he can’’t get insidea im so smart  
  
 **Jaime:** Bart please come out.  
  
 **Bart:** i’m fuckingg GAY  
  
 **Jaime:**...  
  
 **Tim:** you hãve to hand it to him Jaime  
  
 **Tim:** He saw an oppořtunity and he damn ẅell took it  
  
 **Jaime:** Bart I’ve got jello out here.  
  
 **Bart:** what flavorr…..  
  
 **Jaime:** Strawberry.  
  
 **Bart:** you DUNMMY i wantde GREE N  
  
 **Jaime:** Okay then I lied it’s the green one.  
  
 **Bart:** oh ohkay   
  
**Bart:** dont eat it rwithout me oaky dongt take my jello  
  
 **Bart:** the dentist arledady took my teeth that jello isall I haeve left  
  
 **Jaime:** I won’t eat it, just unlock the door.  
  
 **Bart:** I cant do it my lesg are gone  
  
 **Steph:** are your feet still there?  
  
 **Bart:** ovbisouly  
  
 **Steph:** but your legs aren’t  
  
 **Bart:** nope theyrew missing  
  
 **Steph:** that’s tragic  
  
 **Bart:** it ISs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't do drugs kids! Unless it's a pixie stick. Or you're at the dentist. Or you're on medication. Drugs are a fickle thing.
> 
> Also Socks is Wally’s horse that Julie and I came up with a super long time ago and she’s GREAT.


	19. My Heart's Snappin Cracklin and Poppin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentine's Day!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  __  
>  **Warning(s): mentions of sexual themes in this chapter, but obviously nothing even remotely explicit because like. I mean it’s a chat fic, what do you think’s gonna happen?**  
>  Also I was originally going to not make this chapter as romantic as it turned out because I know not everyone loves romance as much as I do, but then I was like “wait a second, _I_ like romance" and I always write what I want to read so yeah. Besides, this is a Valentine’s Day chapter so I think I have a good excuse for making it as cute and romantic as possible. Anyways please don’t hate me for embracing the romance okay, I just really like these pairings and I love the idea of love and there’s still tons of friendship smuggled in too so it works.

**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, February 9** **  
** **14:02 EST**

**Bartemis:** I want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeee  
  
**Casserole:** Oh do tell  
  
**Bartemis:** ed and I went to the skate park and he told me I looked nice todayyyyyyyy  
  
**Conner:** yikes  
  
**Timber:** What did you say?  
  
**Bartemis:** oh nothing really, I was too busy tripping over a fCUKING SKATEBOARD AND FALLING DOWN THE SLOPE LIKE AN IDIOT  
  
**Casserole:** Ouch  
  
**Bartemis:** this is all your fault  
  
**Conner:** what did we do??  
  
**Bartemis:** oh you did nothing kon don’t worry you’re a pleasure to have in class  
  
**Bartemis:** THESE TWO ASSHOLES HOWEVER,,  
  
**Timber:** moi? :3c  
  
**Bartemis:** you are VILLAINS  
  
**Casserole:** Me? A villain? Perish the thought  
  
**Bartemis:** you and everyone else took ADVANTAGE of my high as fuck brain and let ed know I like him!!  
  
**Timber:** To be fair, you were going to offer up that info no matter what  
  
**Bartemis:** yeah but now I don’t know how to act around him anymore!!  
  
**Bartemis:** at first I figured he’d never want to talk to me again after that train wreck but for some reason he keeps wanting to hang out??  
  
**Bartemis:** today he offered to teach me how to skateboard and I swear to god he put his hands on my hips just to mess with my head  
  
**Casserole:** Yep that’s probably it  
  
**Casserole:** Totally just to mess with you  
  
**Casserole:** No other reason at all  
  
**Bartemis:** exactly!!  
  
**Conner:** and everyone calls me oblivious  
  
**Bartemis:** well yeah that’s because you are  
  
**Bartemis:** remember that story about how it took you forever to figure out megan liked you?  
  
**Bartemis:** I’m glad I’m not that clueless when it comes to love or it would be really embarrassing  
  
**Conner:** uh huh  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, February 11** **  
** **17:32 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey, I just wanted to double check that you’re sure about the thing we talked about?  
  
**Artemis:** I know we just discussed it today but I want to make sure you’re positive this is what you want  
  
**Baywatch:** hell yeah I’m sure. are you sure?  
  
**Artemis:** Very sure  
  
**Baywatch:** okay  
  
**Artemis:** So...Valentine’s Day  
  
**Baywatch:** valentine’s day  
  
**Artemis:** Cool  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **09:14 EST**

**Lemonade:** IT’S GALENTINE’S DAY!!!! <3  
  
**Lemonade:** In honor of this most holy of holidays, I decree we all spend the day in the woods roasting heart-shaped marshmallow peeps over a campfire  
  
**One Black Coffee:** Meh  
  
**Lemonade:** :/  
  
**Lemonade:** …...and do satanic rituals?  
  
**One Black Coffee:** COUNT ME IN  
  
**Chamomile:** it’s a billion degrees below zero outside?? we’ll die  
  
**Lemonade:** Good point  
  
**Lemonade:** Then I decree we have a campfire and summon demons in the comfort of my house with a fireplace and I don’t have any witchy potions but I do have some salt and a few vanilla incense sticks  
  
**Hot Chocolate:** Can we make s’mores?  
  
**Lemonade:** Well duh, it’s Galentine’s Day of course there are going to be s’mores  
  
**Hot Chocolate:** YES  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **10:27 EST**

**Wally:** happy galentine’s day you lovely bitch <3  
  
**Ric Grayson:** YOU REMEMBERED :D  
  
**Wally:** good old february 13th, a day of hanging with the Bros™  
  
**Ric Grayson:** A time for bromosexuality and bromance  
  
**Wally:** don’t forget brotato chips and brotein shakes  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Maybe later we’ll go brocery shopping  
  
**Wally:** and then burn off the calories with some broga?  
  
**Ric Grayson:** I even got tickets for a showing of Bromeo and Juliet, now with even more bromance  
  
**Wally:** *gasp* BRO  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Roy** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **15:24 EST**

**Kaldur:** So...do you have any special Valentine’s Day arrangements planned?  
  
**Roy:** Nope, nothing at all. Why?  
  
**Kaldur:** No reason.  
  
**Kaldur:** I was just about to leave for a tutoring session and discovered a bouquet of roses on my front porch with a card from a secret admirer, asking me on a date to my favorite restaurant tomorrow at 7:00.  
  
**Kaldur:** You wouldn’t happen to know who this is from, would you?  
  
**Roy:** Well that sounds like quite the romantic gesture.  
  
**Roy:** My guess (and I’m just spitballing here) is that maybe someone remembered that a certain couple (neither of whom will be mentioned) got together last Valentine’s Day and figured they might as well keep the tradition going.  
  
**Roy:** That’s just a theory though.  
  
**Kaldur:** Of course.  
  
**Roy:** If I were you though, I’d probably go to the restaurant.  
  
**Kaldur:** And why is that?  
  
**Roy:** Well I mean, for one thing there’s a free meal.  
  
**Kaldur:** Uh huh.  
  
**Roy:** And I don’t think you have any Valentine’s plans yet? At least, not that I know of.  
  
**Kaldur:** You would be right.  
  
**Roy:** Wowza what a coincidence, neither do I!  
  
**Kaldur:** How lucky.  
  
**Roy:** So...what do you think?  
  
**Kaldur:** Hmmm...  
  
**Kaldur:** I do enjoy free food.  
  
**Kaldur:** And it seems to me like it would be rather irresponsible to break tradition on the first year of such an important anniversary, don’t you think?  
  
**Roy:** I completely agree.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:17 EST**

**Wally:** help I need some professional advice  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets  
  
**Wally:** what? no  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Darn  
  
**Wally:** I’m highkey freaking out right now and it’s not in an “AHH I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS” way but more in like a “woohoo I’m excited about this but I have anxiety so it feels like I just swallowed one of those dancing wind-up toys and it’s trampling my insides like mufasa and those antelopes”  
  
**Ric Grayson:** I think they were wildebeest  
  
**Wally:** artemis and I are going to do it tomorrow  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Do what  
  
**Wally:** you know  
  
**Wally:** it  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Come again?  
  
**Wally:** we’re gonna spread the mayo  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Excuse me?  
  
**Wally:** gonna mash the pinecones  
  
**Wally:** gonna breakdance the refrigerator  
  
**Ric Grayson:** What?  
  
**Wally:** we’re going to sauté the mailbox  
  
**Ric Grayson:** _Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_ _  
_  
**Ric Grayson:** Ew  
  
**Wally:** don’t say ew!!!  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Yuck  
  
**Ric Grayson:** You’re gonna get cooties  
  
**Wally:** I’m freaking the fuck out here man HELP ME  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Well for starters, are you sure you want to do it? Because I’m no connoisseur of the forbidden hoedown but I’ve heard from the grapevine that consent is sexy  
  
**Wally:** oh I definitely want to do it don’t worry about that, I love artemis so much that sometimes it feels like she could tell me to become a vegan and I would do it without a second thought  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Now THAT is gross  
  
**Wally:** it’s just?? what do I do?? I’ve never done this before okay I don’t know the etiquette  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Yeah uhhhh I’m definitely not the person you should be talking to right now on account of I am Baby. I may wear crop tops in freezing weather but the most sexual movie I’ve ever watched is Happy Feet  
  
**Wally:** I don’t mean explain _that stuff_ , but like  
  
**Wally:** should I bring flowers?? should I wear a tie?? am I allowed to bring my jumanji dvd or is that not allowed at these kinds of sleepovers???  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Idk google it  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:12 EST** **  
** **  
** **Zee:** oh yuck  
  
**Artemis:** It’s not yuck  
  
**Zee:** u and wally apart aren’t yuck, but putting u together like that is on the same vein as imagining ur mom doing it with santa claus  
  
**Zee:** pure YUCK  
  
**Artemis:** IT’S NOT YUCK!!!!  
  
**Zee:** everyone knows cooties is the worst std  
  
**Artemis:** You’re not taking my panicking seriously enough and I think it’s your job as my best friend to help me out here  
  
**Zee:** okay fine  
  
**Zee:** gimme the deets hon, what’s eating u  
  
**Zee:** (other than wally! da dum tsssss)  
  
**Artemis:** Just, what if I do something wrong?? I know Wally gets insecure about his body a lot and I would never ever do anything to make him uncomfortable, but what if I screw up anyway on accident and it ruins everything??  
  
**Zee:** that would suck  
  
**Artemis:** YES, YES IT WOULD  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:24 EST**

**Wally:** and I tried asking the health teacher about it but it took a long time explaining everything since this isn’t very conventional and she got confused and that just made me MORE confused and now it’s all a big confusing jumble  
  
**Ric Grayson:** That...sounds confusing  
  
**Wally:** IT IS!!!  
  
**Wally:** like, should I bring Stuff™??? would it be insulting to her if I didn’t??  
  
**Wally:** and what about my penguin pillow pet??? is he invited too???????  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee**  
  
**Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:26 EST**

**Artemis:** It’s all so confusing, like for example should I buy Stuff™?? Because honestly I haven’t corned the cob since I dated Cam a thousand years ago and believe it or not Wally is a virgin, and also there’s no dick in this equation so like  
  
**Artemis:** What should I do???  
  
**Zee:** idk man u could try asking ur local library  
  
**Artemis:** Plus I haven’t done laundry in weeks so all I’ve got are sweatpants and ratty old sports bras and there’s a mustard stain on my bedsheets that’s been there for months  
  
**Zee:** haven’t u had days to prepare for this? it never occurred to u that maybe u should do some laundry?  
  
**Artemis:** LOOK I NEVER SAID I WAS GOOD AT THINKING AHEAD OKAY  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:26 EST**

**Wally:** literally all of my boxers have cartoons on them okay I should have thought ahead better but I DIDN’T  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Uh huh  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:28 EST**

**Artemis:** I want to be romantic and make him dinner but I have no idea how to cook and honestly I would rather just order a pizza, is that allowed????  
  
**Zee:** idk man i’m kind of determined to win this candy crush tournament so i’m fading in and out here  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:29 EST**

**Wally:** WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING STUPID AND SHE HATES ME  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:30 EST**

**Artemis:** WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING STUPID AND HE HATES ME  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:31 EST**

**Wally:** I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO EXPLAIN TO BARRY AND IRIS WHERE I’M GOING ALL NIGHT BECAUSE I KNOW FOR A _FACT_ THEY’RE NOT GOING TO APPROVE OF ME SLEEPING OVER AT MY GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE FOR SOME R-RATED FANOODLING SO I’LL HAVE TO MAKE UP A LIE THAT I’M SLEEPING OVER AT YOUR HOUSE OR SOMETHING TO KEEP THEM FROM GETTING SUSPICIOUS AND CORNERING ME FOR A TALK™  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:31 EST**

**Artemis:** AND I HAVE NO _IDEA_ WHAT I’M GOING TO DO ABOUT ROY BECAUSE HE MOVED BACK INTO THE POOL HOUSE THREE DAYS AGO AFTER DINAH FINALLY LET HIM HAVE SOME FREEDOM AGAIN AND NOW I’M GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO MY BROTHER FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES THAT I NEED HIM TO MAKE HIMSELF SCARCE TOMORROW SO I CAN INVITE MY BOYFRIEND OVER FOR A NIGHT OF HOKEY POKEY  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:31 EST**

**Wally:** OUR FIRST VALENTINE’S DAY TOGETHER IS GOING TO BE A TOTAL DISASTER AND IT’S GONNA BE ALL MY FAULT  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:32 EST**

**Artemis:** I’M GOING TO RUIN VALENTINE’S DAY WITH MY GROSS MUSTARD BEDSHEETS AND LIMITED KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO DO THE SENSUAL SALSA WITH MY AMAZING TRANS BOYFRIEND AND IT’S GOING TO BE A CATASTROPHE AND WALLY WILL HATE ME FOREVER  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:32 EST**

**Ric Grayson:** WALLY WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:33 EST**

**Zee:** SHUT UP!!!!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:33 EST**

**Ric Grayson:** You’re psyching yourself out of this for literally no reason Wally **  
** **  
** **Ric Grayson:** I’ve seen you two lovesick dorks together in public and trust me, you’re not going to have to worry about messing up if she can watch you dip oreos in nacho cheese and still love you after  
  
**Wally:** okay but how do you know that for sure???  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:35 EST**

**Zee:** i don’t think that boy could hate u if u tried  
  
**Zee:** and i have a feeling that if ur freaking out about it this much then wally is 100% panicking to dick right this very second about u not being happy tomorrow night, just like u are  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:36 EST**

**Ric Grayson:** I’d bet good money that Artemis is panicking just as much as you are right now and is worried about you not liking her or whatever it is people in relationships worry about  
  
**Wally:** but that’s stupid, artemis is wondermazing  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:37 EST**

**Artemis:** That’s fucking dumb, Wally’s like a sexy rice krispie treat  
  
**Artemis:** Not liking him is like not liking Christmas  
  
**Artemis:** Or gummy bears  
  
**Artemis:** Or oxygen  
  
**Zee:** yeah no SHIT HONEY  
  
**Zee:** have u ever thought that maybe he thinks the same thing about u???? gosh damn heck  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:38 EST**

**Ric Grayson:** Wally I love you to pieces but for the love of GOD I’m begging you to just accept that you and Artemis are grossly in love and odds are you’re not capable of messing this up as badly as you think you will because Artemis is going to keep loving you even you turn out to be only mediocre at the grownup tango  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Just communicate with her. Tell her what you are and aren’t comfortable with and have her tell you the same thing like the adults you are  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:38 EST**

**Zee:** ur going to have fun tomorrow no matter what because i’m pretty sure if wally ever thought u were less than amazing, the whole universe would explode out of sheer shock and millions would perish  
  
**Artemis:** Are you sure?  
  
**Zee:** super duper sure  
  
**Zee:** ur a fucking dynamite goddess  
  
**Artemis:** I’m a fucking dynamite goddess  
  
**Zee:** ur a fucking DYNAMITE GODDESS  
  
**Artemis:** I’M A FUCKING DYNAMITE GODDESS  
  
**Zee:** YEAH  
  
**Artemis:** YEAH  
  
**Zee:** YEAH!!!  
  
**Artemis:** YEAH!!!!!!!  
  
**Zee:** NOW COME TO MY HOUSE SO WE CAN WATCH FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY AS RESEARCH!!!  
  
**Artemis:** YEAH wait no  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **16:39 EST**

**Ric Grayson:** Besides, how bad can it be? So long as you don’t get interrupted by the mailman I think you’re in good shape  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Unless a fire starts in the other room and you don’t notice until it’s too late and you both die in a fiery tragedy  
  
**Wally:** hgghgnghghgng I know you’re right but I’m still anxious about it  
  
**Wally:** they didn’t teach us this stuff in health class and I take that as a personal attack  
  
**Ric Grayson:** Bruce has a bunch of weird old person books in our library, wanna come over and do some research? I’ve got index cards and highlighters and stuff  
  
**Wally:** that sounds really weird  
  
**Wally:** I’m in  
  
**Ric Grayson:** SWEET I’ll tell Alfred to make pineapple smoothies  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Dickie** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, February 13** **  
** **19:10 EST**

**Zatanna:** [screenshot sent]  
  
**Zatanna:** [screenshot sent]  
  
**Zatanna:** do u ever wish we weren’t as close with these two?  
  
**Dickie:** Every day  
  
**Dickie:** [screenshot sent]  
  
**Dickie:** I had to comfort him with smoothies to make him stop panicking  
  
**Dickie:** But let’s face it, they’d be lost without us  
  
**Zatanna:** damn right they would, we are the backbone of this relationship  
  
**Dickie:** They’re so lucky they have us to guide them  
  
**Zatanna:** yeah  
  
**Zatanna:** …...want to go ride bumper cars with me tomorrow and crash into all the dumb couples so they spill their drinks?  
  
**Dickie:** Absolutely yes  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Conner <3** **  
** **  
** **Friday, February 14** **  
** **06:29 EST**

**Megan:** HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!  
  
**Megan:** Don’t eat breakfast okay, I got up early and made you your favorite cranberry muffins with sprinkles shaped like hearts!!  
  
**Conner <3: **thats so sweet  
  
**Megan:** Not as sweet as you babe ;)  
  
**Conner <3:** 6rtgyk uigYGjybh  
  
**Conner <3: **you cant just SAY STUFF like that to me oh my god you made me drop my phone  
  
**Megan:** :)  
  
**Conner <3: **by the way i was planning on having your present be a surprise but i know you already peeked at it yesterday  
  
**Megan:** Me? Peek? Never  
  
**Megan:** …...But if you were wondering, I will most definitely LOVE whatever beautiful silver charm bracelet or other unknown gift you plan to give me :)  
  
**Megan:** Not that I have any idea what it is of course, I’m sure it’s a football or a spoon or a bag of rice  
  
**Conner <3: **right  
  
**Megan:** Soooooo what are we doing today?  
  
**Conner <3: **you tell me, youre the one who wanted to be in charge of valentines day this year  
  
**Megan:** How very astute of you! I’m SO glad you asked :D  
  
**Megan:** I have a whole agenda planned, including but not limited to:  
  
**Megan:** 1) Leaving campus for lunch and going to the pet store where we can eat vegan corn dogs and look at fish for an hour  
  
**Megan:** 2) Mini golfing after school  
  
**Megan:** 3) And dinner at my house where I can prepare us a romantic bowl of mac n cheese because my brother ate all of the lasagna so I had to improvise  
  
**Conner <3: **i cant wait  
  
**Conner <3: **pick you up at the usual time?  
  
**Megan:** You know it <3  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Tim > Future Mrs. Drake** **  
** **  
** **Friday, February 14** **  
** **08:32 EST**

**Tim:** Anywäys idk, I think Dobby could figure out an iphone if hę wanted to but the real question is what he wøuld do with it **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake:** agreed  
**  
Future Mrs. Drake:** also class starts in a little bit and my teacher likes to freak out on me when i have my phone out so i’ll see you fifth period! byeeeeeee **  
  
Tim:** Okay byê I love you  
**  
Tim:** WAIT NO **  
  
Tim: **I mean um **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake: **you love me? **  
  
Tim: **no! **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake:** oh **  
  
Tim: **No wait I mean yes **  
  
Tim:** wait **  
  
Tim:** I don’t mean it like i LOVE YOU love you it’s more like “oh hey it’s steph I love that gal she’s so great” y’know because we’ve only been dating for like a year now ish and I know we’ve been taking it slow as a snail on purpose for this very reason because we’re kids and we don’t know what love is so yeah **  
  
Tim: **Sorry I’m stupid I wasn’t thinking and i didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable or anything I just don’t think before I talk it’s like my Thing you know and uh **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake: **tim **  
  
Tim: **Yéah? **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake: **calm down **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake: **you don’t have to apologize  
**  
Tim:** oh **  
  
Tim: **sỗrry for apologiziñg **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake: **and if it helps, i love you too **  
  
Tim: **…...reallŷ? **  
  
Tim: **You’re not jűst saying that right **  
  
Tim: **you’ře not like. being held at gunpoĭnt and someone’s forcing you to şay it or anything like that? **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake:** oh my GOD you goober **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake:** of COURSE i love you, i’ve been in love with you for a while now but i haven’t said anything about it because YOU said you wanted to take things slow **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake:** you make my heart go snap crackle and pop <3 **  
  
Tim:** oh **  
  
Tim:** Wẻll that’s a relief **  
  
Future Mrs. Drake:** i love you :) **  
  
Tim: **That’s gỡing to take soḿe getting used to  
**  
Tim:** but in a good ẅay **  
  
Tim: **I love yòu too :)  
  
**  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
** **  
** **Friday, February 14** **  
** **10:47 EST**

**Artemis:** Can I have the house tonight?  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Why? It’s not like you have any friends.  
  
**Artemis:** We’re literally in the same friend group??  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Yeah but I thought it would be funny to say and I was RIGHT.  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Anyway why do you need the house? Zatanna and I were playing DND earlier and she didn’t say anything about having a sleepover planned.  
  
**Artemis:** I know  
  
**Artemis:** Wally and I do  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Oh.  
  
**Bitch In Law:** OH  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Oh wow.  
  
**Bitch In Law:** That’s gross.  
  
**Artemis:** You’re gross  
  
**Bitch In Law:** You fooling around with one of my best friends is gross.  
  
**Artemis:** Just stay out of the general vicinity until midnight-ish okay?  
  
**Bitch In Law:** You’re lucky I have a date with Kaldur tonight or I’d be complaining a whole lot right now.  
  
**Artemis:** Oh? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**Artemis:** A date you say? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**Bitch In Law:** We’re not back together if that’s what you’re getting at.  
  
**Bitch In Law:** But it’s a start.  
  
**Artemis:** Awww you sweet old man you, being a mature adult and navigating a relationship without being a manchild about it  
  
**Artemis:** I’m so proud :’)  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Have fun playing Twister with Wally and try not to scar me for life please and thank you.  
  
**Bitch In Law:** And don’t forget protection!! I don’t want you giving him cooties.  
  
**Artemis:** Shut uppppppp  
  
**Artemis:** Jesus Christ it’s like you WANT me to fill your shoes with cream cheese again  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, February 14** **  
** **16:16 EST**

**Jaime:** Now I’m not gay…  
  
**Jaime:** But if I WAS gay, I’d want to kiss a young Elijah Wood under the pale moonlight while Celine Dion sings “My Heart Will Go On” in the background and rose petals fall romantically around us.  
  
**Jaime:** Still not gay tho.  
  
**Traci:** Oh no of course not  
  
**Jaime:** Definitely not  
  
**Traci:** 100% str8  
  
**Jaime:** No gays allowed here, only hetero pals.  
  
**Violet:** Well of course, everyone knows that is the true spirit of Valentine’s Day! Heteronormativity.  
  
**Garfield:** god am I the only one who is totally sick of being single on v-day? it’s like being the last kid standing in dodgeball but less painful  
  
**Cassie:** Speak for yourself, my girlfriend Cissie and I have a romantic Minecraft date planned  
  
**Ed:** I’m sorry.. what did you say your girlfriend’s name was?  
  
**Cassie:** Cissie  
  
**Ed:** You’re dating someone named Cissie  
  
**Cassie:** Yes  
  
**Ed:** And your name is Cassie  
  
**Cassie:** Yep  
  
**Ed:** So together you guys are Cissie and Cassie  
  
**Cassie:** Sí señor  
  
**Ed:** Wow  
  
**Violet:** That is very confusing.  
  
**Cassie:** Only when you spell it  
  
**Traci:** I once tried getting myself a romantic date off Craigslist, but instead they sent an inflatable noodle person to my house wearing a dress  
  
**Garfield:** wow I’ve never seen a house in a dress before  
  
**Cassie:** HA cause it’s,, cause it’s a dress,,  
  
**Cassie:** Get it,,  
  
**Cassie:** A dress,,,  
  
**Cassie:** Address,,,,  
  
**Cassie:** Do you get it,,,,,  
  
**Traci:** Don’t talk about my noodle wife like that, she left me and took the kids with her and I’ve been depressed ever since  
  
**Traci:** She made a fantastic tuna casserole though  
  
**Ed:** What about you Bart?  
  
**Bart:** uhhh what about me?  
  
**Ed:** Any plans for tonight?  
  
**Ed:** For Valentine’s Day?  
  
**Bart:** nah, my parents are having dinner at a fancy restaurant and wally is at his girlfriend’s house so it’s just me, my baby siblings, and my sith lord cosplay  
  
**Bart:** [image sent]  
  
**Violet:** You look like evil Kermit. **  
** **  
** **Bart:** thanks  
  
**Ed:** Oh because I was going to say that I have a new monopoly board if you wanted to like, hang out or something, but if you’re busy that’s cool  
  
**Bart:** oh  
  
**Bart:** I mean  
  
**Bart:** don and dawn’s bedtime is in a little while and I’m sure my parents won’t mind if I have a friend over, so if you wanted to come over here we could like  
  
**Bart:** we could hang out and do that  
  
**Bart:** if you want  
  
**Ed:** Oh okay  
  
**Ed:** Crash  
  
**Bart:** crash  
  
**Garfield:** ………  
  
**Garfield:** anyways who wants to meet me at the softball field behind the school for a game of freeze tag in the dark  
  
**Violet:** I do!!! :^D  
  
**Jaime:** HELL YES LET’S GO!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, February 15** **  
** **05:06 EST**

**Wally:** hey babe, I figured I might as well leave a note for in case you wake up and see that I’m not there and worry I ran off or something. I got hungry so I’m heading to pick us up coffee and some of those pink cupcakes for breakfast since it’s technically not valentine’s day anymore which means everything is super cheap now  
  
**Wally:** also I just wanted to let you know that I love you. like I really really REALLY love you, and not just because of last night or because it’s valentine’s day or because you watched jumanji with me until 3am  
  
**Wally:** I loved you last valentine’s day before I even knew what love felt like, I love you now, and I’ll love you fifty years from now when we’re old and gross and spend every valentine’s day at the top of the eiffel tower like the romantic badasses we are  
  
**Wally:** and I know talking about loving you so far in the future is kind of a scary thing to say while we’re still in high school, which is why I’m saying it through text because I could never muster the courage to say it to your face  
  
**Wally:** but it’s true  
  
**Wally:** so...yeah  
  
**Wally:** see you in a little bit, beautiful <3  
  
**Wally:** oh and p.s. you snore in your sleep ;)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, February 15** **  
** **05:19 EST**

**Wally:** I’m going to marry this girl someday  
  
**Ric Grayson:** ?  
  
**Ric Grayson:** WAIT does this mean you guys fondued?? For real??? Oh my god  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, February 15** **  
** **05:22 EST**

**Wonder Bread:** HEY ROY GUESS WHAT, WALLY AND ARTEMIS DIPPED FRUIT IN CHEESE AND CHOCOLATE TOGETHER  
  
**Rye Bread:** Thanks I hate it!! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh ze sweet smell of románce...


	20. Be Gay Do Crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim makes bad life choices, Roy cries from cuteness overload, and the freshmen commit Crimes.

**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Sunday, February 16** **  
****10:18 EST**

**Kaldur:** If you had a theme song that played every time you entered a room, what would it be? Mine would be “Ocean Man.”   
  
**Megan:** The Hello!Megan theme song of course for me (ꈍ ᴗ ꈍ✿)   
  
**Zatanna:** any of the ten billion songs that are titled “magic” bc i’m not picky   
  
**Zatanna:** …..or the duck song. yeah   
  
**Raquel:** Hmmmm I’m feeling spicy today. Let’s go with “Straight White Man” by Bo Burnam for the sexy irony   
  
**Roy:** Bohemian Rhapsody but with kazoos.   
  
**Wally:** mine is don’t stop me now by queen because I’m awesome   
  
**Artemis:** Lies! Deception! Fibbery! Yours is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” obviously you silly bumpkin fool   
  
**Artemis:** I’m “Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued” by Fall Out Boy **  
****  
****Conner:** bootylicious   
  
**Dick:** Mine is “Circus” by mah girl Britney Spears   
  
**Megan:** Now that’s surprising, I was sure you’d say Beautiful Soul   
  
**Dick:** Why? My soul is riddled with spiders and quicksand. I’m the human equivalent to the infamous bastard goose except I have thumbs   
  
**Megan:** Because you sound exactly like Jesse McCartney?   
  
**Dick:** No I don’t   
  
**Megan:** I think I’ve listened to enough Jesse McCartney songs to know his voice when I hear it. You two could be voice twins   
  
**Dick:** Liar   
  
**Wally:** hey now wAit a minute…   
  
**Dick:** If you love me you’ll leave that dot dot dot uncontinued   
  
**Wally:** now that I think about it you’re right megs, they really DO sound alike   
  
**Megan:** That’s what I’m saying dude!!   
  
**Dick:** I’m gonna pour ipecac in your chocolate milk   
  
**Raquel:** Sing a song for us Dick   
  
**Dick:** No   
  
**Raquel:** Oh so you hate us? You want us to die? Yeah? That’s what you want? You fucking punk?   
  
**Dick:** I mean if the boot fits then you might as well eat it right   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Bruce Waynesteen** **  
****  
****Monday, February 17** **  
****14:19 EST**

**Wally:** there’s no food in the kitchen  
  
 **Bruce Waynesteen:** Go eat at your own house, Wally.  
  
 **Wally:** *offended gasp* is this any way to treat your child???  
  
 **Bruce Waynesteen:** You’re not my child.  
  
 **Wally:** dick and I are platonic soulmates which means we’re basically married which makes me your son-in-law which makes me your son  
  
 **Bruce Waynesteen:** That’s not how it works.  
  
 **Wally:** oh so you’re home of phobic? that’s it?   
  
**Bruce Waynesteen:** I’m in a meeting, Wally.  
  
 **Wally:** just say you hate me and get it over with,, I can take it  
  
 **Bruce Waynesteen:** ……There’s leftover pot roast in the fridge.  
  
 **Wally:** THANKS DADDY :D  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Tuesday, February 18** **  
****03:49 EST**

**Tim:** yô what is UP yoü beautiful frïends o mine, how’s your dãy going because mine is WONÐERFUL   
  
**Jaime:** It’s...3am?   
  
**Bart:** and you just sent me a goodnight text an hour ago timerthy so like. fuck you liar   
  
**Tim:** hùh well ŵould you look āt that   
  
**Tim:** Anyways NĂRWHALS AMIRIGHT??? WHAT’Ś UP WITH THOSE FUCKEN THINGS??? AṚE THEY Ẩ WHALE ARE THEY A UNICORN ẂHAT’S THE DEAL   
  
**Cassie:** I have no idea what’s happening right now but rest assured I’m terrified   
  
**Jaime:** Tim, you good hermano?   
  
**Tim:** pǝrfect! lovely! faŋtastic! picturĕ of health anď happiñess over hěre!   
  
**Cassie:** Are you on drugs   
  
**Tim:** of cõursę not you sĭlly ɗilly!   
  
**Tim:** I jưst may ḥave not slǝpt for thrëę days-ish but it’ş fine!! Everythinǧ is fine :)   
  
**Bart:** that smiley face has death in its eyes   
  
**Cassie:** Timantha. Buddy. Please take a nap before you hurt yourself   
  
**Tim:** sure wĭsh I could but i can’t on account of I have ĀNXÎEŤƔ and every time I try to sleep I imagine death and destruction and pain and intruders coming to kill my family again and people leaving me forever because I’m not good enough for them to stay so I can’t close my eyes even though i had a panic attack a good 20 mintues ago and i”m fucking ƐXHAƯSTƎD haha :) but it’s all gũcci i assure you   
  
**Cassie:** Yikes   
  
**Jaime:** That sounds pretty bad pal. Have you ever tried a therapist?   
  
**Tim:** shhhh hang on I’m looking for a fiǹger ǧuṅs eḿoĵi why isn’t there one of those they should make one   
  
**Bart:** wally used to have panic attacks like three times a week before he got meds for it and now they’re only once in a while, you should try looking into that   
  
**Tim:** FÕỬNḌ ǏṬ   
  
**Tim:** (☞ʘ‿ʘ)☞   
  
**Jaime:** Jesus CHRIST okay. Is anyone else concerned or is it just me?   
  
**Tim:** anywǎy therapy iṣ expensive sǒ instead I talk ṭo a rock i found in mƴ backyard and pasted gớogly-eyes on. His nầme is Dwayne and ḥe was arrested fơr tax fraứd 12 years back bủt he’s a really gỗod listếner   
  
**Cassie:** Your dad is literally a billionaire. You can afford a real therapist   
  
**Tim:** dẹtảils   
  
**Bart:** how long has it been this bad?   
  
**Tim:** ňot vėry lońg   
  
**Tim:** coupļe of yəǎrs   
  
**Tim:** Bừt it’s ńot like it sęriỡusly impedệs my life or ậnything, I just have anxiety ẵttacks whenever I trỹ talking to an authỏrity figure and the future pậrẩlyẓes me with fear and I can’t sleep at night because I’m left alone with my thoughts about how everyone I care about is going to die one day because there is not a single thing in this world that can’t kill you somehow and also I have to text my loved ones fifteen times a day to make sure they’re still alive because what if they die and I’m not there and I’ll have no idea about it and also I get nervous on airplanes   
  
**Cassie:** Huh   
  
**Cassie:** That’s rough buddy   
  
**Jaime:** Yeahhhhh you have no excuse for not doing something about this anxiety ese.   
  
**Tim:** Yểs I do añd it’s callêd I døn’t wãnna   
  
**Bart:** sounds unhealthy   
  
**Tim:** Tħankś cŏmpảdre (☞ʘ‿ʘ)☞   
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Tuesday, February 18** **  
****11:13 EST**

**Conner:** i have come to an…...unsettling discovery   
  
**Dick:** Fine I admit it, I was the one who told Bruce to buy out Blockbuster but lISTEN OKAY that place bothered me it smelled like an old carpet and they never had any Nerds Rope which I know for a FACT they should have because my friends got them all the time but I could never find them because I was too short to reach the top shelf okay Blockbuster was evil and should have been defeated a long time ago and that’s not my fault cAN’T WE LEAVE THE PAST WHERE IT BELONGS??????   
  
**Zatanna:** i beg ur fucking pardon   
  
**Conner:** thats...not what i was talking about   
  
**Dick:** Oh   
  
**Dick:** Okay then carry on   
  
**Megan:** ಠ_ಠ   
  
**Dick:** Okay Then Carry On I Said   
  
**Conner:** i have a question for wally   
  
**Wally:** me? boy oh boy do I feel special   
  
**Conner:** youre transgender correct?   
  
**Wally:** no I just found these tits at a flea market a few years back and couldn’t get a refund   
  
**Conner:** and that means you changed your name at some point right   
  
**Wally:** if this is your cryptic way of asking what my deadname is then I’m sorry but you gotta pay me at LEAST $100 for these trade secrets man   
  
**Conner:** dont worry thats not it   
  
**Wally:** then what info do you seek young traveler?   
  
**Conner:** i just cant stop fixating on the fact that you got to choose your own name and you went with wally   
  
**Wally:** ……….oh no   
  
**Artemis:** Oh my god   
  
**Wally:** OH NO   
  
**Artemis:** I never even thought about that?? I mean I always knew Wally was a weird name but it completely slipped my mind that you had a SAY in that   
  
**Zatanna:** i like it! it has character   
  
**Wally:** thank you zee I always knew I could trust you   
  
**Dick:** What the fuck Wally, we always used to bond over how we have such unfortunate names when all along you did that shit to yourself?? No loyalty these days, none   
  
**Kaldur:** Don’t worry Dick, I would be happy to take Wally’s place in the Weird Names Club.   
  
**Megan:** I picked my name easily because Hello! Megan is my favorite show, but I can’t think of anything you could have gotten Wally from   
  
**Wally:** ……   
  
**Roy:** Oh no.   
  
**Wally:** what   
  
**Roy:** Tell me it’s not true.   
  
**Wally:** I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING   
  
**Roy:** Please tell me you didn’t.   
  
**Wally:** now liSTEN OKAY,,..,   
  
**Wally:** it was my favorite movie for a really long time,.,,,, I thought it was a good idea,,,..,,.,   
  
**Artemis:** Oh my god   
  
**Artemis:** Wally you wonderful dumbass   
  
**Wally:** AT LEAST I’M NOT NAMED AFTER A BADASS MOON GODDESS WHO SHOOTS PEOPLE WITH ARROWS   
  
**Dick:** What are you talking about that’s a great name   
  
**Wally:** I know I have no idea why I said that   
  
**Kaldur:** Dick, would you please do the honors?   
  
**Dick:** Way ahead of you buddy   
  
**Wall-E:** now this is just mean   
  
**Dick:** I’m sorry but you know I had to   
  
**Wall-E:** why isn’t anyone making fun of zatanna??? her name sounds like a company that makes sparkles!   
  
**Zatanna:** ur damn right it does and i fucking love it   
  
**Zatanna:** if i ever become a magician i won’t even have to come up with a stage name   
  
**Roy:** Or a stripper.   
  
**Zatanna:** or a stripper!! that’s the spirit   
  
**Artemis:** Hey wait a second   
  
**Wall-E:** I know what you’re going to say and I’m telling you right now that if you do it this relationship is over for at LEAST three minutes   
  
**Artemis:** Hmmmm gotta weight the costs   
  
**Wall-E:** four minutes   
  
**Artemis:** Damn it I can’t do it guys he’s too cute   
  
**Megan:** Darn   
  
**Dick:** Wish I could know what she was going to say   
  
**Artemis:** Sorry but I think this is more than reasonable   
  
**Zatanna:** :/   
  
**Conner:** ……   
  
**Conner:** …………..wWAIT A SECONDD   
  
**Wall-E:** NO!!!!   
  
**Conner:** DOES THIS MEAN YOU MADE YOUR MIDDLE NAME RUDOLPH ON P U R P O S E ?????   
  
**Wall-E:** _NO!!!!!!_   
  
**Zatanna:** fghjghfghg oh wally my man,,, ur the bee’s knees   
  
**Zatanna:** i haven’t laughed this hard since the last time i looked at my own fingernails   
  
**Kaldur:** What is so funny about fingernails?   
  
**Zatanna:** they’re little sticks that grow out of ur skin!!! that’s fuckin comedy pal!!!!   
  
**Roy:** Wally, did you really get your name from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer because if so I’m sorry but I’m required by law to never let you live that down. It’s my job as your friend.   
  
**Wall-E:** joke’s on you guys, I actually DIDN’T get my name from there so HA   
  
**Artemis:** Then where’s it from? I can’t think of any other Rudolphs   
  
**Wall-E:** oh well it was like. my dad’s name and stuff so. yeah   
  
**Zatanna:** oh   
  
**Megan:** But wasn’t your dad…you know   
  
**Dick:** A deplorable asshole?   
  
**Megan:** Yeah that   
  
**Wall-E:** he was   
  
**Wall-E:** but at the same time...I dunno. he just always used to talk about how if I’d been born a boy, he would have named me after him and idk   
  
**Wall-E:** I kind of liked having that piece of him with me? I know it’s dumb and that I should hate his guts, which I DO, but at the same time,,   
  
**Wall-E:** he’s still my dad, you know?   
  
**Conner:** i get it   
  
**Conner:** my dad, or the bald one at least   
  
**Conner:** hes kind of that way too. he doesnt treat me badly or anything, but i dont think he sees connecting with me as a huge priority either let alone understanding me. he keeps asking if my girlfriend being trans means im gay which pisses me off like you wouldnt believe   
  
**Conner:** so i get you   
  
**Wall-E:** thanks   
  
**Wall-E:** ……but I will admit that I have no fucking excuse for the wall-e thing and I question my younger self every goddamn day   
  
**Dick:** I’ll give you fifty bucks to write it that way on your next exam   
  
**Wall-E:** DEAL   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Thursday, February 20** **  
****14:11 EST**

**Garfield:** I FEEL ON TENTERHOOKS TODAY   
  
**Cassie:** ………...yeahhhh you’re gonna have to explain to us what that means. Remember you’re dealing with primarily C-average students here   
  
**Steph:** speak for yourself   
  
**Steph:** i get straight Fs and nothing else thank you very much   
  
**Garfield:** it’s a word I learned today   
  
**Garfield:** on tenterhooks: to be in a state of suspense or agitation   
  
**Garfield:** I feel restless and I want to DO something   
  
**Traci:** Bak a cak   
  
**Garfield:** no   
  
**Steph:** graffiti something   
  
**Garfield:** no   
  
**Bart:** dye your hair with green streaks that way it’s pink and green like a watermelon lollipop   
  
**Garfield:** …...maybe   
  
**Cassie:** Shouldn’t he save that for March? It’ll be funnier if it’s a St. Patrick’s Day thing and February is ending soon anyway so at least he won’t have to wait long   
  
**Garfield:** THAT’S IT!!!   
  
**Cassie:** Hell yeah let’s get Irish   
  
**Garfield:** no not that, I like my pink hair   
  
**Garfield:** I’m talking about february ending soon!!!   
  
**Cassie:** Yeah it is   
  
**Garfield:** yeah!!!   
  
**Cassie:** Yeahhh   
  
**Ed:** Raise your hand if you're confused   
  
**Bart:** *raises hand*   
  
**Traci:** *raises hand*   
  
**Steph:** *raises hand*   
  
**Garfield:** someone please jog my memory of how many days february has?   
  
**Traci:** I think it’s 30 right?   
  
**Ed:** No no it’s “30 days has September, April, March, and November”   
  
**Steph:** i think it’s june not march   
  
**Ed:** How many does March have then?   
  
**Steph:** idk 28?   
  
**Cassie:** No that’s February   
  
**Bart:** oh okay so there’s 28 days this month   
  
**Garfield:** nope   
  
**Bart:** nope?   
  
**Cassie:** Yes   
  
**Bart:** yes?   
  
**Garfield:** NOPE   
  
**Bart:** you guys are confusing me here   
  
**Garfield:** knock knock it’s a leap year fellas!!! we’ve got 29 days this year!!!!   
  
**Bart:** oh yeah   
  
**Steph:** so? who cares   
  
**Garfield:** I do because that means TECHNICALLY, according to the government, that day doesn’t exist   
  
**Traci:** But it does   
  
**Garfield:** but it doesn’t   
  
**Traci:** But,,,,,,it does,,,,,,,,   
  
**Garfield:** but it also doesn’t which means we can do Crimes without facing any repercussions   
  
**Cassie:** I don’t think that’s how leap day works   
  
**Garfield:** it does if you crave adventure the way I do   
  
**Steph:** so?   
  
**Garfield:** SO we should do something totally wild that day!! like rob a bank or go to the north pole or skydive into a swimming pool   
  
**Steph:** those all sound kind of expensive   
  
**Garfield:** you’re right   
  
**Garfield:** any other ideas?   
  
**Ed:** We all stack up on each other’s shoulders and become the world’s tallest person   
  
**Cassie:** We can go to the arcade?   
  
**Bart:** sneak into a cage match!   
  
**Traci:** Why don’t we break into the school and have a Breakfast Club style adventure?   
  
**Garfield:** Y E S   
  
**Violet:** Isn’t that against the rules?   
  
**Garfield:** very much so yes   
  
**Violet:** So why are we doing it?   
  
**Garfield:** because we need a night of irresponsible teenage hijinks and anyone who has a problem with that can get on board or get out of the way   
  
**Steph:** LOVE the energy let’s do it!!!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
****  
****Friday, February 21** **  
****11:57 EST**

**Kaldur:** Some girl in my bio class is trying to flirt with me.   
  
**Raquel:** Is she cute?   
  
**Kaldur:** Not really, but I don’t want to be mean by saying that. She looks like a girl.   
  
**Conner:** how can you tell shes flirting with you?   
  
**Kaldur:** She won’t stop touching my arm and giggling at things I say, even when they aren’t funny.   
  
**Artemis:** Oh yeah you’re definitely being flirted with   
  
**Kaldur:** Help I don’t know what to do. Hunny I Gay.   
  
**Conner:** tell her you have a boyfriend   
  
**Kaldur:** I already did but I think she assumed I was joking? She laughed and said she likes funny guys and I wanted to turn into human mush and seep away into a floor drain for eternity.   
  
**Kaldur:** How do I make her leave.   
  
**Raquel:** Ask if she wants to see your phlegm collection   
  
**Artemis:** Tell her you have herpes   
  
**Conner:** sneeze and pretend to black out   
  
**Kaldur:** I don’t want to make her upset though, what if I reject her and she cries? I cry when other people cry so that would not be a good situation for anyone involved.   
  
**Artemis:** Try the stop drop and roll technique. That’s how I get out of awkward situations all the time   
  
**Kaldur:** I wish Roy had picked a better time to visit Lian, this would be so much easier if I had my college boyfriend on hand to steer away single people.   
  
**Artemis:** It’s your own fault for being so attractive Kal, if you were ugly you wouldn’t be in this situation   
  
**Kaldur:** That’s not my fault!!   
  
**Kaldur:** Oh good I told her I was a Republican and she walked away. What a relief.   
  
**Raquel:** God bless Republicanism for doing something useful for once   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Satan** **  
****  
****Thursday, February 20** **  
****18:04 EST**

**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Satan:** Awwwww my niece is the cutest creature in the universe   
  
**Satan:** She’s a star   
  
**Roy:** I cried the second I first held her and the tears have just been coming in a slow stream since then.   
  
**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** LOOK AT HER BEAUTIFUL FACE!!! SHE’S PERFECTION!!!!!!!!   
  
**Roy:** I would do anything for this amazing bundle of baby.   
  
**Satan:** It’s nice to see you’re falling into the dad role without a hitch   
  
**Roy:** I would face dragons and monsters and deadly taxes for this girl.   
  
**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** My little cutiepie. My little strawberry jelly bean. My little cloud full of love and rainbows and happiness. She’s perfect.   
  
**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Monday, February 24** **  
****12:33 EST**

**Zatanna:** u guys are going to be so proud of what i did just now   
  
**Megan:** Sorry Zatanna, I looked into it but it’s still impossible to make rocket fuel from cherry snow cone juice   
  
**Zatanna:** not that   
  
**Zatanna:** though i refuse to give up on that project   
  
**Zatanna:** as u all know, That Bitch Madison is in my economics class   
  
**Wally:** oh her? what a bitch   
  
**Zatanna:** and she was making fun of that kid, u know danny street who moved here from iceland or something? she was talking about how them being genderqueer was dumb and they should pick a gender and stick to it   
  
**Megan:** Ew   
  
**Zatanna:** right???   
  
**Zatanna:** so anyways i put a worm in her backpack are u guys proud of me yet   
  
**Wally:** SO proud   
  
**Zatanna:** yes!! validation!!   
  
**Roy:** You just happened to have a worm with you during the school day? What the fuck Zee.   
  
**Zatanna:** hey now buddy i don’t tell u how to live ur life   
  
**Roy:** Yes you do. Frequently.   
  
**Zatanna:** that’s because life coaching is my calling   
  
**Megan:** I thought magic was your calling?   
  
**Artemis:** I thought it was refining the art of sluttery and/or pole dancing   
  
**Zatanna:** a gal can have more than one calling!!   
  
**Zatanna:** i’m a connoisseur u see,,, a jack of all trades,,, a budding apprentice of the human experience,,,   
  
**Zatanna:** ,,,,and possibly a future worm farmer   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Megalicious** **  
****  
****Thursday, February 27** **  
****17:30 EST**

**Wally:** I’m bored what should I do  
  
 **Megalicious:** Rub your sock feet on a carpet and touch an electrical outlet to see if it goes bzzt  
  
 **Wally:** I am so platonically in love with you  
  
 **Megalicious:** ┴┬┴┤( ͡° ͜ʖ├┬┴┬ thanks wally  
  
 **Wally:** nevermind I take it back. begone foul villain  
  
 **Megalicious:** oh? (ʘεʘ) is that a challenge?  
  
 **Wally:** STAHHP

  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
****  
****Saturday, February 29** **  
****23:14 EST**

**Bruce:** I know I’m going to regret asking this, but…   
  
**Bruce:** Tim? Stephanie? Where are you two?   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Iň my roōm, ŵhy? :3c   
  
**Bruce:** Don’t lie, I found the stack of anime pillows you arranged to look like a person.   
  
**YUMMMMM:** dầng ỉt   
  
**Bruce:** You weren’t kidnapped again, were you? Because I’m watching Game of Thrones and don’t really plan on getting up anytime soon.   
  
**Barbie:** How often do you people get kidnapped??   
  
**Dickish:** We’re rich, it’s an occupational hazard   
  
**Purple Ninja:** and brucie how do you even know i’m missing?? i don’t live with you   
  
**Jaybird:** his dad senses™ extend to honorary kids too   
  
**Jaybird:** and to answer your question, they’re at the high school with the rest of the 2nd gen gsa kids   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Hộw did you knổw that??? We nểver told yoū about tơnighť   
  
**Jaybird:** I followed you here obviously. I’ve been playing minecraft on mr. carr’s computer for the past two hours   
  
**Dickish:** AND YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME?????   
  
**Jaybird:** no because you’re a dick   
  
**Barbie:** Why would you want to break into the school in the first place? There’s nothing there but pencil stubs and dust bunnies   
  
**Purple Ninja:** because it’s february 29th which means in the eyes of the law, we can’t be tried for whatever crimes we commit here tonight   
  
**Bruce:** I’m sorry _what?_   
  
**YUMMMMM:** shê’s jokiŋg   
  
**Purple Ninja:** or am i ;)   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Yễs you ấre because i dỡn’t want tỏ get ģroũnded again   
  
**Purple Ninja:** sounds like one of us is a quitter and it definitely isn’t me   
  
**Purple Ninja:** oop looks like this is my exit, sorry fam but jaime and cassie are doing a blindfolded pillow fight and i gotta get in there   
  
**Purple Ninja:** queen brown OUT   
  
**Purple Ninja is now offline.** **  
****  
****Dickish:** Man I always wanted to be queen   
  
**Bruce:** Tim, come home. You’re trespassing on private property.   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Actűally it’s ą public schộol   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Añd if it’s all the sẫme to you ữhhhhhhhhhhh I’m kìnda having fun getting into téenage hijinks withõut a châperone   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Ed ånd Bart are racíng garbage cấns down thẹ hall and Trặci won’t stop drẳwing Loss ờn the blackbøards   
  
**Bruce:** What is Loss? Is that a code word for drugs these days?   
  
**Dickish:** Babs can you draw it for him, I’ve been in a handstand for the past 49 minutes and my eyesight is starting to go blurry  
  
 **Barbie:** I gotchu   
  
**Barbie:** | | ∣   
  
**Barbie:** | | | _   
  
**Bruce:** What is that.   
  
**Barbie:** Loss   
  
**Bruce:** Excuse me?   
  
**Barbie:** It’s Loss   
  
**Bruce:** I don’t know what that means.   
  
**Jaybird:** yeah cause you’re old   
  
**Bruce:** I’m not old, I’m a cougar. There’s a difference.   
  
**Jaybird:** your hair is more salt than pepper. you’re an old fucking man   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Sáys the guy who blểached a siñgle white streak in his hâir like an emo fúck   
  
**Jaybird:** YOU’RE THE EMO FUCK   
  
**YUMMMMM:** YOÛ FUCKIÑG INVENTỂD EMO YỚU FUCK   
  
**Bruce:** I’m going to bed.   
  
**Bruce:** Tim, if you get arrested I am not bailing you out.   
  
**Jaybird:** what about me??   
  
**Bruce:** Tell me you love me and I’ll do it.   
  
**Jaybird:** ………...I’ll send you a postcard from prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that in this au, Tim got adopted by Bruce after his parents were killed in a home invasion while lil Timmy was out and about in the Gotham night without permission, taking photos of homeless people and rats and the view from smoky rooftops and stuff, and then he got home and found his parents lying there dead (because it's sorta like how Tim's dad was killed in the comics so it WORKS) so I figured why not give the kid anxiety as a result of that? For zesty seasoning of course.


	21. Oh My God They Were Quarantined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College acceptance season begins, Bart is a hopeless gay, and the originals are quarantined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 21 chapters!!! This fic is officially old enough to get legally drunk now I'm so proud of it

**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Sunday, March 1** **  
****14:56 EST**

**Raquel:** Well slather me in butter and send me off to the lobster farm!!!!   
  
**Conner:** I Would Really Prefer Not To   
  
**Raquel:** Feast your eyes pals, for I have reached my PEAK today and life won't get much better than this until after the inevitable steep decline that comes between the birth of my third kid and the day I’m sent off to the old folk’s home to live out the rest of my days watching old soap operas and eating saltines in a rocking chair   
  
**Dick:** Okay?   
  
**Raquel:** [image sent]   
  
**Megan:** !!!! CFGVHHTGHJUGV   
  
**Megan:** YOU GOT IN OH MY GOSH!!!! :D   
  
**Dick:** CONGRATU FUCKING LATIONS YOU FANTABULOUS SCHMOOP!!!!!   
  
**Artemis:** I knew you could do it girl!!   
  
**Raquel:** IVY UNIVERSITY HERE I COME   
  
**Megan:** This is so great!!! I got my last round of acceptance letters yesterday and Ivy is my first pick which means we’re going to be at college together!!!   
  
**Raquel:** HELL YEAHHHHH   
  
**Kaldur:** Since we are already on the subject, I suppose I might as well come out and speak my truth as well.   
  
**Dick:** HA you’re fucking gay I knew it   
  
**Wally:** what do you mean?? kaldur’s straight as an arrow   
  
**Conner:** ugh i know freedom of speech and all but im so sick of straight culture   
  
**Conner:** like we get it youre hetero, stop shoving it in our faces   
  
**Artemis:** Everyone knows heterosexuality is just a trend anyway   
  
**Megan:** Straightness is gross and unnatural. People are only doing it now because they want to be special and I think that's an insult to marriage   
  
**Raquel:** My parents are both straight so I can’t be heterophobic, but I still pray for them every day because that means they’re going to hell and I can’t bring myself to love their sin   
  
**Roy:** I support straight people and you can't say I don't, I even changed my profile pic on Facebook to a black and white flag to prove it. But if my daughter turned out straight I would be uncomfortable and I think I'd have a right to be.   
  
**Kaldur:** Are you all done?   
  
**Zatanna:** one more one more   
  
**Zatanna:** herpes was invented because god was mad at straight people and i know this because my christian neighbor said it so that obviously makes it a fact   
  
**Zatanna:** okay now i’m done   
  
**Kaldur:** I got into Yale.   
  
**Megan:** !!!!!   
  
**Dick:** WHOOP WHOOP THAT'S MY FUCKING TEAM LEADER   
  
**Roy:** I’M SO PROUD OF YOU BABE!!!   
  
**Raquel:** NICE JOB KAL!!!!   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m relieved that I can finally stop working so hard to impress potential colleges. Time to let loose and have fun.   
  
**Wally:** hell yeah buddy!   
  
**Wally:** time to embrace the fine art of thievery with me and dick? :)   
  
**Kaldur:** No thank you.   
  
**Roy:** God I remember college acceptance season. It was like a minefield out there.   
  
**Roy:** Everywhere you turn there’s people asking if your letter came and everyone’s always walking around the halls wearing sweatshirts from their future school to brag to the universe about getting in.   
  
**Roy:** I miss that fuckhole so much,,   
  
**Artemis:** Stanford is supposed to be sending out letters within the next few weeks so Wally and I are gonna be celebrating with you guys in no time   
  
**Wally:** absolutely!!   
  
**Wally:** we definitely both got in. definitely   
  
**Artemis:** Definitely   
  
**Artemis:** I mean if Cam can get accepted by Happy Harbor U then we’re basically guaranteed to get into Stanford   
  
**Megan:** Cam made it into college??? :o   
  
**Conner:** now theres a surprise   
  
**Zatanna:** i always thought he’d wind up frying burgers somewhere   
  
**Artemis:** He said he’s majoring in Minecraft   
  
**Raquel:** That fucking copycat is stealing my major?? I'm gonna shave his hamster as payback for his theft   
  
**Wally:** see kal? clearly cam was wise enough to take classes on the fine art of thievery   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m too pretty for prison.  
  
 **Wally:** I   
  
**Wally:** nevermind I can’t even argue against that. you have the facial structure of a greek god and the world knows it   
  
**Kaldur:** Damn right I do. Beyonce is quaking in her heels.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Switchblade Lesbian** **  
****  
****Sunday, March 1** **  
****22:12 EST**

**Bart:** either it’s allergies or my gay syndrome is acting up again because I am uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
  
 **Bart:** super duper Gay  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** I told you not to look at pictures of Steve Buscemi before bedtime. You brought this thirst on yourself bud  
  
 **Bart:** actually it’s ed this time  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** That was going to be my third guess  
  
 **Bart:** what was the second one?  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Handsome Squidward  
  
 **Bart:** I just,, ,  
  
 **Bart:** he’s so PRETTY cassie  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Well duh that's why they call him Handsome Squidward  
  
 **Bart:** no not squidward you wobbly shopping cart I'm talking about ED  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Oh  
  
 **Bart:** he sent me a selfie a couple minutes ago and his hair was all messy and his hip was cocked and his face was so pretty and I just hhhhhhhhhHHHHHHhhhh  
  
 **Bart:** [image sent]  
  
 **Bart:** are you seeing this shit???? do you see how goddamn cute he is??? how the HELL am I supposed to function now????  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Honestly yeah dude, I’m gay and even I can see it  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** That cropped jacket and double belt combo? Inspired  
  
 **Bart:** YOU’RE FUCCING CORRECT CAPTAIN  
  
 **Bart:** I want to gently hug his mouth with my mouth  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** You should send him a handful of leaves in the mail as a courtship ritual  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** That’s how I seduced Cissie  
  
 **Bart:** I thought when you two met she said she liked your shoelaces and you asked her to be your girlfriend  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Maybe so but the handful of leaves was definitely in the blueprints at one point in time oaky  
  
 **Bart:** oaky doaky artichoaky  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Blocked  
  
 **Bart:** NO DON'T BLOCK ME I NEED HELP WITH MY CRUSH  
  
 **Switchblade Lesbian:** Sorry man, remember this disrespect the next time you ask me for help and I say no. Remember it  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 5** **  
****07:59 EST**

**Conner:** im bored who wants to play a game  
  
 **Artemis:** Please say it’s Russian Roulette  
  
 **Conner:** ill describe a food and you guys have to guess what it is  
  
 **Raquel:** Sure why not  
  
 **Artemis:** My idea was better  
  
 **Conner:** cheesy triangle  
  
 **Kaldur:** Pizza.  
  
 **Conner:** shrek  
  
 **Wally:** onion!  
  
 **Conner:** zatanna’s favorite food  
  
 **Artemis:** Gum  
  
 **Artemis:** Ya nasty  
  
 **Zatanna:** it has zero calories!  
  
 **Wally:** I don’t think that’s true  
  
 **Raquel:** Hit us with another one Kon  
  
 **Conner:** hmmmm  
  
 **Conner:** round and juicy  
  
 **Dick:** My ass  
  
 **Wally:** hgfghgfghgf NO  
  
 **Raquel:** GFDDFGHJKJHGFDGHJ  
  
 **Megan:** D:<  
  
 **Zatanna:** wow thanks a lot dickhead, my eyes are melting out of my head like runny eggs now and it’s ur fucking fault  
  
 **Dick:** Oh I’m sorry :) Is someone afraid :) of the truth? :)  
  
 **Raquel:** You singular heathen this is a _CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD!!!_ _  
_  
 **Artemis:** ELIMINATE HIM KALDUR  
  
 **Dick:** NO PLEASE I HAVE CHILDREN TO FEED  
  
 **Kaldur:** Use your time in exile to think about what you’ve done.  
  
 **Dick:** MOTHERF **  
** **  
** **Kaldur Durham has removed Dick Grayson from the conversation.  
  
** **Raquel:** Justice is restored  
 **  
** **Wally:** ass: juicy  
  
 **Wally:** truth: silenced  
  
 **Wally:** dick: out  
  
 **Zatanna:** _jesus has left the chat_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Megan > Artemis** **  
****  
****Saturday, March 7** **  
****17:04 EST**

**Megan:** ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ welcome to the mouse parade!! ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ they carry so many diseases ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ   
  
**Artemis:** Oh boy the black plague has risen once again! I’m so fucking excited   
  
**Megan:** ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ get your affairs in order ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ death is coming ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ   
**  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Saturday, March 7** **  
****19:16 EST**

**Jaime:** Hey Goodle I think my pet stink bug is gay, how do I let him know I support him?  
  
 **Cassie:** Did you just say Goodle  
  
 **Traci:** What’s your stink bug’s name?? :0  
  
 **Jaime:** Khaji Philip Bobert Chrysanthemum Felix John.  
  
 **Jaime:** But I call him Bitchface for short.  
  
 **Traci:** I love him already <3  
  
 **Bart:** what does he smell like?  
  
 **Jaime:** Axe body spray.  
  
 **Bart:** huh  
  
 **Violet:** How do you know he is gay?  
  
 **Jaime:** I found some very “adult” magazines in his cage today.   
  
**Cassie:** Hmm sounds like you should sit that queer insect down for A Talk  
  
 **Traci:** Bugs go through phases all the time, maybe you should wait it out until he comes to you for advice  
  
 **Jaime:** Parenting is so hard.  
  
 **Bart:** hhehe you know what else is hard? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Jaime:** Please don’t.  
  
 **Bart:** math ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Violet:** I remember when I found out that my Shih Tzu was Jewish. It was an emotional time for everyone, but we emerged from it better people.  
  
 **Bart:** MOMMMMMMMMM THEY SAID A BAD WORDDDDDDDDDD  
  
 **Violet:** Oh my goodness I am so sorry.  
  
 **Violet:** Sh*h Tzu.  
  
 **Bart:** that’s more like it  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Happy Harbor High School Alert System > All Students** **  
****  
****Monday, March 9** **  
****05:00 EST**

**_Attention all students and faculty: Due to an egregious string of recent absences, we encourage everyone to update their flu shots in the upcoming weeks._ ** **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Wednesday, March 11** **  
****11:45 EST**

**Zatanna:** ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
  
 **Wally:** ughhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
 **Kaldur:** UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  
  
 **Roy:** Well you guys clearly have zero hump day enthusiasm.  
  
 **Zatanna:** fuck u and fuck ur humps  
  
 **Roy:** *breakdancing gently* What’s wrong kiddo?  
  
 **Dick:** I just want to say for the record that this is all Conner’s fault and I vote for him to be publicly executed when it’s over  
  
 **Wally:** FOUR DAYS IN THE STOCKS I DECLARE!  
  
 **Zatanna:** hear hear!!  
  
 **Conner:** how is this my fault?? we dont know im the one who started it  
  
 **Dick:** Oh I beg to differ my furry friend  
  
 **Conner:** dont you ever call me a fucking furry again  
  
 **Dick:** Allow me to paint you all a picture........  
  
 **Dick:** Our furry pal Conner Kent here got sick  
  
 **Conner:** choke on thumbtacks  
  
 **Dick:** Then he kissed Megan and unintentionally got HER sick. After which she hugged Kaldur because she’s a hugger, Kaldur plays cards with Raquel on Sundays so the virus in no time spread to her, then she held hands with Zatanna who let Artemis borrow her chapstick who kissed Wally who shared his lollipop with me and now we all have the flu and it’s your fault which MEANSSSS  
  
 **Dick:** GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES!!! GET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!!  
  
 **Raquel:** You put all that together in your head?  
  
 **Dick:** Don’t you fucknuts ever doubt my awesome detective skills again  
  
 **Roy:** I’m sorry, you licked candy that Wally had already licked?? What the FUCK.  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah we’re besties we share treats what of it  
  
 **Kaldur:** I’m sorry but normal people do not do that. That is disgusting.  
  
 **Wally:** they don’t?  
  
 **Dick:** Shocking  
  
 **Wally:** bamboozling  
  
 **Dick:** I’m astonished  
  
 **Wally:** flabbergasted  
  
 **Dick:** Dumbfounded!  
  
 **Wally:** bewildered!  
  
 **Dick:** Magnificent!  
  
 **Wally:** you ARE magnificent!  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah well you are,,, the love of my life?  
  
 **Wally:** what would you do if I said,,,, it was mutual,,,  
  
 **Dick:** Marry me at dawn?  
  
 **Wally:** I’m already at town hall babe  
  
 **Dick:** B A B E  
  
 **Roy:** So you guys all caught the flu huh.  
  
 **Conner:** yeah pretty much  
  
 **Zatanna:** we’re dying royyyyyyyy  
  
 **Zatanna:** everything HURTS  
  
 **Roy:** Bet you’re all wishing you got your flu shots now. Lucky for me, any illness I get dies on impact because I drank laundry detergent five years ago and now my blood is toxic.  
  
 **Dick:** I DID GET MY FLU SHOT THO!!! AND I GOT THE PHUCKING FLU ANYWAY!!! WHAT KIND OF SHITBULL IS THIS!!!!!  
  
 **Roy:** I’d offer to make you guys soup but every time I try it the can lights on fire in the microwave for some reason.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Have you ever tried putting it in a bowl?  
  
 **Roy:** Why would I put a can in a bowl?  
  
 **Artemis:** Don’t worry Roy, we’re all quarantined in Dick’s house and his butler is taking good care of us  
  
 **Conner:** alfred is the best mom in the universe. i swear to god i left my body for a solid minute when i tasted his soup it was so good  
  
 **Dick:** It’s his specialty  
  
 **Roy:** Yeah but can his soup ELECTROCUTE YOU???  
  
 **Roy:** Didn’t think so. Pathetic. No razzle dazzle whatsoever. I'm sickened.  
  
 **Kaldur:** I think I am slowly realizing why all you eat is Ramen noodles and tuna.  
  
 **Roy:** Hey now I’m a good cook!!  
  
 **Artemis:** You are Not a good cook and I want that on record  
  
 **Roy:** I cook for you all the time! If it weren’t for me you’d be out in the streets, begging strangers for gruel like Oliver Twist.  
  
 **Artemis:** Yes and it’s why I have an iron stomach now because I had to adapt in order to choke down your concoctions so thanks for that  
  
 **Zatanna:** hehhe u said coc hehehj;begifw  
  
 **Conner:** guys i think zatanna just passed out  
  
 **Wally:** to be fair arty you can’t really cook either and I mean that in the most loving way but like. you once made me a kid cuisine meal and I cracked a tooth on the nuggets  
  
 **Conner:** guys  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah but at least I OWN my culinary disability  
  
 **Artemis:** There’s a difference  
  
 **Roy:** What about that time I made you muffins?? You said they were delicious.  
  
 **Artemis:** That’s just because you left the eggshells in which happens to be the way I like it  
  
 **Dick:** I’m sorry what did you just saYT6HSKnjwffojwb[fg  
  
 **Roy:** …………  
  
 **Roy:** Is he dead?  
  
 **Kaldur:** He is fine, he just sneezed and knocked himself out.  
  
 **Roy:** Just how sick ARE you guys?  
  
 **Artemis:** Too much my brother…too much  
  
 **Conner:** the end is near for us. luckily i already wrote up a will and wolf inherits everything  
  
 **Kaldur:** I am both too hot and too cold at the same time. It’s agony.  
  
 **Roy:** What about the rest of the Waynes? Did they catch it too?  
  
 **Wally:** tim and bart are having a week-long sleepover at my house because if tim gets sick he’ll probably die because that kid has the immune system of a 30 y/o cat so yeet  
  
 **Wally:** the rest of the family is sheltered away at the other end of the house so they don’t catch our deadly germs  
  
 **Kaldur:** Never forget that we are the lucky ones though. There is nothing better than a sick slumber party with your flu-infested friends.  
  
 **Artemis:** Like a gigantic phlegmy cuddle pile  
  
 **Raquel:** We’re all cooped up in the theater room watching John Hughes movies and I’ve never enjoyed being quarantined from society more  
  
 **Wally** and they were _quarantined_  
  
 **Artemis:** Oh my god they were quarantined..  
  
 **Roy:** Hey wait, Megan hasn’t said anything yet. She’s usually the first one to say hi and greet me with a million smiley emojis. Is she okay?  
  
 **Dick:** She’s fine she’s just been puking her guts out for the past ten minutes  
  
 **Dick:** No biggie  
  
 **Roy:** Rip.  
  
 **Roy:** Soooooo now that you guys are all out of commission for the next week, what am I supposed to do?  
  
 **Wally:** idk what do you normally do when we’re gone?  
  
 **Roy:** Wait for you to come back. :’(  
  
 **Artemis:** I would be happy to sneeze on you and give you the flu if you want. Then you can be gross and miserable with us  
  
 **Roy:** No thanks.  
  
 **Artemis:** Welp I tried  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Wednesday, March 11** **  
****14:01 EST**

**Kaldur Durham has added Roy Harper to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Kaldur:** Have fun playing with Roy, kiddos. Treat him nicely.  
  
 **Kaldur Durham is now offline.** **  
** **  
** **Roy:** Hi new friends. :) **  
** **  
** **Garfield:**???  
  
 **Steph:** oh no we’ve been infiltrated. i always knew this day would come  
  
 **Steph:** someone get the bug spray we’ve got a boomer loose in the chat  
  
 **Roy:** Everyone else is sick so I’m here now. Accept me into your ranks comrades.  
  
 **Ed:** Who even are you?  
  
 **Roy:** Roy.  
  
 **Ed:** Yeah...I got that part  
  
 **Bart:** should we call an exterminator?  
  
 **Roy:** Wow Bart, I expected better from you. I went to your BIRTHDAY PARTY and now you’re treating me this way??? No loyalty from the younger generation, none.  
  
 **Bart:** hey man I’m just following stranger danger rules  
  
 **Roy:** COME ON I’M A FELLOW GAY!!! I DESERVE TO BE HERE!!!  
  
 **Cassie:** Yeah but you’re a grownup  
  
 **Cassie:** You’re above the height limit for this roller coaster bucko  
  
 **Bart:** I say we Dispose of the boomer  
  
 **Roy:** Who are you even calling a boomer??? I’m only nineteen.  
  
 **Bart:** I diagnose you with BOOMER  
  
 **Steph:** someone make tim come here, he knows tech stuff he can save us from the boomer invader  
  
 **Roy:** But I’m cool!! I’m a cool guy!!  
  
 **Ed:** Prove it then boomer  
  
 **Roy:** Uh.  
  
 **Roy:** [image sent]  
  
 **Steph:** hkjhgfghjk  
  
 **Bart:** IS THAT A FUCKING RAGE COMIC  
  
 **Cassie:** BOOMER ALERT BOOMER ALERT _BOOMER ALERT!!!_  
  
 **Ed:** @Tim GET OVER HERE WE’VE GOT A BURGLING BOOMER ON THE PREMISES  
  
 **Roy:** NO!!!!!  
  
 **Tim:** oh my göd is that a fûcking gremlin oñ my lawn????  
  
 **Roy:** You wound me.  
  
 **Tim:** Sorry bởomer but I mừst protect mỷ tribe  
  
 **Tim:** Wish hīm safe travëls everỹone  
  
 **Bart:** bye roy! see ya at my next birthday party!  
  
 **Ed:** Farewell boomer  
  
 **Cassie:** In a while crocodile, and by in a while I mean please don’t come back that way we never have to go through this sad eviction ordeal again  
  
 **Roy:** :(  
  
 **Steph:** bye roy!! *･*･ヾ(◕ ワ ◕✿) sorry we called the cops on you, hope there’s no hard feelings  
  
 **Roy:** :’(  
  
 **Tim Drake has removed Roy Harper from the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Tim:** Phểw that was a cloṣe őne **  
** **  
  
**

* * *

 **  
****  
****Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
****  
****Wednesday, March 11** **  
****14:17 EST**

**Artemis:** They kick you out yet?   
  
**Bitch In Law:** :”(  
  
 **Bitch In Law:** It's a cold cruel world we live in.   
  
  


* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 12** **  
****03:25 EST**

**Dick:** Hhhhgggggg I'm bored is anyone else up?   
  
**Kaldur:** Can’t you talk to us verbally? My head feels like it is going to explode just staring at my phone screen.   
  
**Dick:** Sorry, my throat hurts too much to talk and I’m also using Megan as a pillow so I don’t want to wake her up   
  
**Kaldur:** I thought you said no one was allowed in your blanket fort.   
  
**Dick:** Megan is the sweet cinnamon rolly exception to every rule   
  
**Kaldur:** You know what? You are completely right, I take back what I said.   
  
**Dick:** Anyways I had this crazy fever dream just now and we were all in it  
  
 **Kaldur:** What was it about?  
  
 **Dick:** I dunno it was weird, I was a bird or something and you were Mermaid Man and Megs looked green like Kermit the frog and there was theme music playing for some reason   
  
**Wally:** was I there???   
  
**Dick:** Yeah but you died   
  
**Wally:** that’s a shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Hey look I made a "Which Batkid Death Are You" quiz and I triple dog dare you to check it out which means it's illegal not to take it sorry I don't make the rules I just enforce them](https://uquiz.com/b3xird)


	22. Another Womb Eviction Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis and Wally are stressed out, Conner turns eight years old, and Ed is making plans.

**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, March 15** **  
** **06:34 EST**

**Megan:** Happy Ides of March everyone!!!! Who wants to get stabbed   
  
**Artemis:** Do I get to keep the sword   
  
**Megan:** No sorry it’s a rental   
  
**Artemis:** Damn it what’s even the point then   
  
**Dick:** Hehehe point   
  
**Megan:** ?   
  
**Dick:** Get it   
  
**Dick:** Because it’s,   
  
**Dick:** It’s a sword   
  
**Dick:** So,,   
  
**Dick:** Pointy   
  
**Artemis:** Good one   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Eduardo Dorado Jr. has created the chat:** **_Super Secret Bart Allen Group Chat_ ** **  
** **  
** **Monday, March 16** **  
** **16:16 EST**

**Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Cassandra Sandsmark to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Tim Drake to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Violet Harper to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Garfield Logan to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Stephanie Brown to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Jaime Reyes to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Traci Thurston to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Eduardo Dorado Jr. has added Virgil Hawkins to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Ed:** Welcome friends! I hereby bring this meeting to order   
  
**Cassie:** Where’s Bart   
  
**Ed:** Did you read the title? It’s the Super Secret Bart Allen Chat   
  
**Ed:** No Barts allowed   
  
**Traci:** Isn’t that kind of misleading though?   
  
**Ed:** How is it misleading?   
  
**Jaime:** Bart’s name is in the title so like. Idk I figured he would be in the spotlight here.   
  
**Ed:** Yeah but the whole point of the chat is that everyone except Bart is in it   
  
**Cassie:** That’s just confusing   
  
**Ed:** Hijo de puta FINE   
  
**Eduardo Dorado Jr. has renamed the group:** **_Super Secret Group Chat That Everyone Except For Bart Allen Is Allowed In_ ** **  
** **  
** **Steph:** can i invite my mom?   
  
**Ed:** Why would you invite your mom   
  
**Steph:** well it says everyone except bart can be here right? i assume that means every human on earth   
  
**Ed:** Jesus fucking Christ   
  
**Eduardo Dorado Jr. has renamed the group:** **_Super Secret Group Chat That Bart Allen Isn’t Allowed To Be In Or Know About So It’s Only These Nine People And No One Else Are You All Happy Now_ ** **  
** **  
** **Cassie:** Much better   
  
**Cassie:** Hi Virgil!! :)   
  
**Virgil:** Hey!! :D   
  
**Virgil:** Please tell me we’re going to be talking about Ed’s big gay crush on Bart in here because I have so much fucking tea it’s not even funny anymore   
  
**Garfield:** GIVE US THE TEA   
  
**Ed:** DO NOT GIVE THEM THE TEA   
  
**Violet:** But isn’t that what this chat is for? To drink tea while talking about your crush on Bart?   
  
**Ed:** NO IT’S NOT   
  
**Cassie:** You sure about that?   
  
**Ed:** ...Okay maybe it is a little   
  
**Steph:** oh? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) do tell   
  
**Ed:** More specifically though, this chat is about Planning   
  
**Tim:** i LØVE wherè this is goiñg   
  
**Ed:** I...want to ask Bart on a date   
  
**Jaime:** NICE.   
  
**Violet:** THAT’S WONDERFUL! :^D   
  
**Cassie:** IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME GODDAMN   
  
**Garfield:** I was worried it was never going to happen and you were both going to dance around each other for eternity   
  
**Virgil:** Right???? It’s so awkward to watch   
  
**Virgil:** Like a courting ritual between two blind penguins   
  
**Ed:** Thanks so much guys this is doing wonders for my ego   
  
**Steph:** so what do you need from us, ed edd ‘n eddy? because i have an entire list of pickup lines/promposals/date ideas/marriage proposals so i gotchu   
  
**Tim:** whỹ do you hắve a list fọr all that?   
  
**Steph:** for future opportunities to make you blush of course   
  
**Tim:** I ɗon’t blush. I’m ả maṅly man   
  
**Steph:** oh yeah?   
  
**Steph:** hey timmy if i had a star for every time you brightened my day, i’d have an entire galaxy ;)   
  
**Tim:** …   
  
**Garfield:** [image sent]   
  
**Garfield:** lmao Tim’s redder than a tomato you guys   
  
**Tim:** SHỮT UPPPPP NỖ I’M ṄOT   
  
**Ed:** Steph you’re an icon   
  
**Ed:** But I kind of want to do something original when I ask out Bart, sorry   
  
**Traci:** What were you thinking of doing?   
  
**Ed:** You know the Sadie Hawkins dance next Friday? I want to ask Bart to be my date   
  
**Virgil:** Awwww my little boy is growing up and asking out his crush :’) I’m so proud   
  
**Violet:** I think that is a great idea!!   
  
**Ed:** Yeah but I have no idea how?? To do this??   
  
**Tim:** You dố it likǝ this:   
  
**Tim:** “Good afternoon, I like you in a romantic way so please go to the dance with me but if you don’t want to that’s okay too I’ll just cry in the bathroom it’s all good”   
  
**Jaime:** How in the world have you and Steph stayed together this long??   
  
**Tim:** Look jừst because I’m dàting her doêsn’t mean I haṽe any idea how I ɗid it   
  
**Steph:** it’s because of his butt and fancy hair   
  
**Tim:** <3   
  
**Cassie:** BACK ON TRACK TROOPS   
  
**Cassie:** Ed, can’t you just come out and ask him?   
  
**Garfield:** ha nice gay joke   
  
**Cassie:** Thanks I spent a whole minute on it   
  
**Ed:** Yeah but like   
  
**Ed:** How do I even do that??? This is supposed to be a dance where the girl asks the guy but we are both gay men??? What is the procedure here????   
  
**Traci:** Throw a rock at his head   
  
**Ed:** No   
  
**Jaime:** Put birds in his locker.   
  
**Ed:** No   
  
**Steph:** bake him a lava cake with real lava   
  
**Ed:** No   
  
**Tim:** Vore him   
  
**Ed:** Ew?   
  
**Violet:** Give him flowers and play a song from a boombox.   
  
**Ed:** What song   
  
**Garfield:** something from the coconut head justin bieber era   
  
**Ed:** Hmmmmm   
  
**Ed:** I’ll give it a solid maybe   
  
**Virgil:** You won’t even consider the birds idea???   
  
**Ed:** I’m allergic to geese   
  
**Traci:** Actually there are at LEAST ten other bird species that aren’t geese   
  
**Garfield:** I mean,,,   
  
**Garfield:** you’re not wrong   
  
**Ed:** I don’t know why I thought you all would make good love experts   
  
**Cassie:** What are you even talking about we’re GREAT love experts   
  
**Cassie:** I should know, I built my career on Edward Cullen/Alexander Hamilton fanfiction   
  
**Garfield:** “so the lion fell in love with the politician”   
  
**Cassie:** You joke but that is literally a line from the nineteenth chapter   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, March 17** **  
** **09:56 EST**

**Wally:** hey can you cover for me in class? my brain is Fucked Up so I’m heading to talk to miss lance and I don’t want to explain it to the teacher because I’m like 75% of the way to an anxiety attack already so yeah   
  
**Ric Grayson:** No problemo, I’ll say you had to leave for a dentist appointment or something. Go get your head right   
  
**Wally:** thanks man   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, March 18** **  
** **10:54 EST**

**Rye Bread:** Hey fellas is it gay to be gay with your best friend and hold his hand and wrap your arms around him and bury your face in his neck and kiss him on the lips?   
  
**Bagél:** not if you say no homo   
  
**Rye Bread:** That’s what I thought thank you.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, March 18** **  
** **15:08 EST**

**Mxgxn:** Gather ‘round ducklings!   
  
**Mxgxn:** Except for you Conner. You’re not allowed to be here right now   
  
**Cxnnxr:** yeahhh i saw this coming   
  
**Cxnnxr:** dont worry about kicking me out i already got it   
  
**Cxnnxr has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Xrtxmxs:** Oh boy it’s birthday season again   
  
**Xrtxmxs:** No wonder I’ve been craving cake all week   
  
**Mxgxn:** I already have the ground plans written up for Conner’s party because I’ve been planning it out since January, but I’m still going to need some help making it happen   
  
**Dxck:** Pretty please say we’re sending him to the moon   
  
**Mxgxn:** Sorry, maybe next year   
  
**Dxck:** Drat   
  
**Kxldxr:** I cannot decide whether to get him some Play-Doh or a Spongebob box set for his gift. Does anyone know what eight-year-olds like these days?   
  
**Wxlly:** djffhjsskfj   
  
**Mxgxn:** Conner read that over my shoulder and he said f*ck you   
  
**Rxqxxl:** CONNER GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS A TOP SECRET CHAT   
  
**Rxqxxl:** Also you’re allowed to say fuck Megs, it’s okay we’re all family here   
  
**Mxgxn:** (◕‸ ◕✿) I can’t it’s illegal   
  
**Zxtxnnx:** yes u can!!! we believe in u!!!   
  
**Wxlly:** no I’m sorry but megan is too babey to say fuck and I plan on tattling to the authorities the second she does so take this as your only warning   
  
**Zxtxnnx:** hush!!! let her speak!!!!!   
  
**Xrtxmxs:** Come on Megan are you going to let the Wallys of the world hold you back or are you going to embrace the wild side   
  
**Dxck:** Let Megan Say Fuck 2020   
  
**Mxgxn:** …...Anyway I was thinking of doing a super special birthday scavenger hunt that ends at his favorite place in the world what do you all think   
  
**Rxy:** We’ll agree only if you say fuck.   
  
**Mxgxn:** …okay   
  
**Mxgxn:** *deep breath*   
  
**Rxy:** She’s doing it she’s really doing it!!   
  
**Mxgxn:** fu…...fuc…….   
  
**Rxqxxl:** You can do it Megan!!!   
  
**Mxgxn:** …………….…..fuck   
  
**Xrtxmxs:** V I N D I C A T I O N NN N   
  
**Wxlly:** that’s it I’m calling the police! I’m sorry it had to end this way megalicious but I’m nothing if not a law abiding citizen iT’S OFF TO AZKABAN FOR YOU   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, March 19** **  
** **02:56 EST**

**Wally:** uerh w93rf w9fe73sda  
  
**Dick:** Could it be? The chronicles of sleep-texting Wally has finally returned with a long awaited next chapter??  
  
**Wally:** aslfkeg&^nwegnoik  
  
**Dick:** Hark!! Our sleeping king hath returned with a message for us!!  
  
**Wally:** p%gfi###fowfeh  
  
**Dick:** Man I wish I spoke Sleeping!Wally’s sleepy language  
  
**Megan:** He must be stressed out about something. He only ever does this when something’s on his mind :/  
  
**Dick:** Megs?? What are you doing awake, you’re never up this late  
  
**Megan:** Studying for a history test. You?  
  
**Dick:** Bold of you to assume I sleep  
  
**Wally:** djweir24 4824thfwa w;;; c  
  
**Dick:** Hey Wally what’s 2 + 2, answer correctly and I’ll grant you eternal youth  
  
**Wally:** fnwjiqken  
  
**Dick:** You’re right it IS indeed fnwjiqken! Very good  
  
**Artemis:** It’s so creepy watching him sleep text wtf. It’s like watching a zombie do algebra  
  
**Megan:** Hi Artemis!!! :)  
  
**Artemis:** Hi Megan!!! <3  
  
**Dick:** Good night Artemis!  
  
**Artemis:** I know you’re trying to greet me but I can’t help hearing it as a ta-ta cheerio farewell  
  
**Dick:**..I have no idea how to say the night version of good morning to someone  
  
**Dick:** Good evening Artemis?  
  
**Artemis:** Now it sounds like you’re trying to seduce me  
  
**Dick:** WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME WOMAN I’M TRYING MY BEST OVER HERE  
  
**Artemis:** Just say hi  
  
**Dick:** H I   
  
**Artemis:** Hi  
  
**Wally:** sfuhwf wpeifhwe 329hf  
  
**Artemis:** He just stole the blanket from me and tossed it off the bed what a sleepy bitch  
  
**Megan:** What are you doing at Wally’s house so late?  
  
**Dick:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**Artemis:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**Megan:** Ohhhh  
  
**Artemis:** Lmao I’m just kidding we were watching cat videos and lost track of time  
  
**Artemis:** But for real, it’s so fucking creepy watching him sleepwalk every time it happens  
  
**Dick:** Am I sensing a storytime??  
  
**Artemis:** Last weekend he slept over my house and at around midnight he rolled over, looked me in the eyes, and said “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” before kissing me on the forehead and going back to sleep  
  
**Megan:** Oh my gosh  
  
**Artemis:** Once he fell asleep during a Lord of the Rings marathon and sleepwalked to the kitchen where he made a mustard sandwich and put it in the sink  
  
**Dick:** Amazing  
  
**Wally:** whdnd owe%hfwfqowf  
  
**Artemis:** We once pulled an all-nighter studying at Bibbo’s Diner during midterms week and he passed out in the booth and somehow called over the waitress to order a bowl of bacon in his sleep  
  
**Megan:** Stressed out sleepless Wally is my new favorite person  
  
**Dick:** Hey Wally why are you stressed out?  
  
**Wally:** sjdnnfjwbvelkqweb  
  
**Dick:** This game would be so much more fun with a translator  
  
**Artemis:** I think he’s just worried about Stanford admissions  
  
**Megan:** Ah  
  
**Artemis:** The website said they’re going to be sending out acceptance letters before the rejection ones so the longer it takes, the more likely it is you got yeeted out of their acceptance list  
  
**Artemis:** But I’m sure we got in. With all our extracurriculars and good grades it’s practically a guarantee  
  
**Dick:** Yeah  
  
**Megan:** Yeah!  
  
**Wally:** swefowefeuf  
  
**Dick:** Wally is really nervous about this though. He’s in Miss Lance’s office practically every day now bc he’s so anxious  
  
**Artemis:** Part of me knows it’ll all be fine once we get our acceptance letters, but the other part is really fucking worried about this  
  
**Artemis:** Not that I’d dare to tell Wally that because my anxiety would just make him MORE anxious and it wouldn’t be a pretty situation for anyone  
  
**Megan:** I don’t want to be a downer but...what’s going to happen if one of you doesn’t get in?   
  
**Megan:** Not that you won’t  
  
**Dick:** Of course not  
  
**Megan:** No way  
  
**Dick:** But yeah I second that, you guys have a backup plan for in case things go south right?  
  
**Artemis:** I’ve tried talking to Wally about it but he always changes the subject whenever I bring up the possibility so...as of right now I don’t know what we’ll do if something goes wrong  
  
**Artemis:** I mean I applied to a handful of schools close to Stanford so if I don’t get in at least we can still go to Palo Alto and start our life and stuff even if it’s at different colleges. I never really cared much where we ended up as long as we did it together, y’know?  
  
**Artemis:** It’s a different story for Wally though and that’s the part that makes me nervous  
  
**Megan:** He still hasn’t applied anywhere else?  
  
**Artemis:** I keep telling him he should but he’s adamant about Stanford. I honestly don’t know what we’re going to do if he doesn’t get in  
  
**Artemis:** Which isn’t a possibility of course because he’s definitely getting in  
  
**Dick:** Definitely  
  
**Artemis:** DEFINITELY  
  
**Artemis:** But like. I’m still worried  
  
**Megan:** Wally’s smart, he’ll figure something out even if it doesn’t happen. There are plenty of other schools, or he could take a gap year if he needs it  
  
**Artemis:** That’s not the part I’m worried about  
  
**Artemis:** I think not applying to any other colleges was some kind of self sabotage on Wally’s part  
  
**Megan:** How so?  
  
**Wally:** djwifhwiughsidf hsfsf wepifhweufhwfe  
  
**Artemis:** I mean you said it yourself, Wally is smart but I don’t think he has a lot of confidence in himself  
  
**Artemis:** If he doesn’t get in, he’s going to take that as the universe telling him he’s not good enough and he’ll give up altogether. So pretty much his entire future is depending on this letter  
  
**Dick:** That’s...not good  
  
**Artemis:** No it isn’t  
  
**Wally:** wvbjw*jhegq 3rt829uy3t0&  
  
**Megan:** He’ll get in. I know he will  
  
**Dick:** Definitely  
  
**Artemis:** Absolutely  
  
**Dick:** Without a doubt  
  
**Wally:** djfhwdijefhwfe  
  
**Artemis:** Btw Dick do you think you can hack in and erase these messages before Wally wakes up? I don’t want him to know we were talking about him like this  
  
**Dick:** No problemo  
  
**Artemis:** I’m gonna head to bed  
  
**Artemis:** Assuming Wally doesn’t blow up my phone with drunk texts all night which is a very real possibility  
  
**Wally:** jdiwefhwefy08efh2  
  
**Dick:** Just scratch him gently behind the ear, works every time  
  
**Artemis:** …   
  
**Artemis:** Well fuck me sideways with a teapot it worked  
  
**Dick:** You’re welcome  
  
**Megan:** I don’t even want to ask how you know that  
  
**Dick:** Best friend trade secrets ;)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS**   
  
**Saturday, March 21** **  
** **06:23 EST**

**Conner:** okay who did it   
  
**Megan:** Good morning birthday boy!!! <3 <3 <3   
  
**Conner:** which one of you chuckleheads did it   
  
**Dick:** Oh? :3c What’s that, birthday lad?   
  
**Conner:** i woke up and someone had replaced my pillow with a sheet cake while i was sleeping   
  
**Zatanna:** us? doing something like that? i can’t even imagine it :)   
  
**Roy:** Sounds like someone wanted to make sure you had sweet dreams on your birthday.   
  
**Conner:** my face is all sticky now   
  
**Artemis:** How did you not wake up from it earlier? We did that like three hours ago   
  
**Conner:** im a heavy sleeper   
  
**Roy:** Clearly.   
  
**Zatanna:** anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNER!!!!!! we love u   
  
**Wally:** CONGRATS ON BEING EVICTED FROM THE WOMB EIGHT YEARS AGO TODAY!!!!   
  
**Dick:** I’m so glad that the lab that grew you chose to release you into the world on this most blessed of days :)   
  
**Raquel:** HAPPY B-DAY SLUGGER!!!   
  
**Roy:** They say eight years old is the most rambunctious age.   
  
**Conner:** youre a fucking fetus   
  
**Roy:** You Shut The Front Door Up Young Man.   
  
**Kaldur:** Happy birthday Conner!!!    
  
**Conner:** thanks   
  
**Conner:** theres still cake in my hair   
  
**Roy:** I’d be happy to drop by and spray you down with a hose if you want.   
  
**Conner:** im good thanks   
  
**Conner:** please tell me this is the last surprise of the day   
  
**Megan:** Well… :3c   
  
**Conner:** that is the most threatening dot dot dot ive ever seen   
  
**Megan:** They’re all good surprises I promise   
  
**Megan:** Now come downstairs, I’m making pancakes   
  
**Conner:** how did you get into my house??   
  
**Megan:** Lois let me in! And your dad says I’m his favorite daughter so I’m welcome over whenever I want which was my plan from the very beginning. Now I have free reign <3   
  
**Zatanna:** i will never know how u manage to be so hufflepuff yet so slytherin at the same time   
  
**Wally:** what kind of pancakes are they?   
  
**Megan:** Blueberry   
  
**Wally:** can I come   
  
**Conner:** no   
  
**Wally:** :(   
  
**Megan:** Don’t worry I made extras for everyone to enjoy later   
  
**Wally:** YOU’RE THE BEST MEGS   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **07:01 EST**

**Bartemis:** ḤẤP᷆P̆Ỹ ẞİŘṬḤḤḤḤḤḤḤḤ :)   
  
**Casserole:** ȚỔỔỔỔỔỔỔ :)   
  
**Timber:** ƳƠƲƲƲƲƲƲƲƲƲƲƲƲ :)   
  
**Conner:** my fight or flight instincts just kicked in   
  
**Bartemis:** good :)   
  
**Casserole:** Enjoy your birthday Kon :)   
  
**Timber:** Ǒr ẹlse :)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Lex > Conner** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **08:00 EST**

**Lex:** Happy birthday, son.   
  
**Conner:** wow   
  
**Conner:** you actually remembered this year   
  
**Lex:** I sent you a savings bond in the mail. It will arrive within the next few days. Don’t use it to buy drugs.   
  
**Conner:** thanks i guess   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wendy > Konstantinople ** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **08:22 EST**

**Wendy:** WASSUP BIRTHDAY BOY!!!!! *party toot noises from one of those noisemaker things that rolls out when you blow it idk what the fuck they’re called but you know what I’m talking about*   
  
**Konstantinople:** thanks wendy   
  
**Wendy:** So how old are we this year?   
  
**Konstantinople:** 8 apparently   
  
**Wendy:** Oh boy I’ll have to switch out the Fall Out Boy album I got you for a toy firetruck then   
  
**Konstantinople:** cant wait   
  
**Wendy:** By the way…...I figured today was as good an opportunity as any to say...   
  
**Wendy:** I think I’m in love with you..   
  
**Konstantinople:** oh my god can you imagine   
  
**Wendy:** Right lmao?? I’m fucking crying just thinking about it   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **08:45 EST**

**Mxgxn:** All right so Conner is upstairs getting ready for the day, did everyone do what they were supposed to?   
  
**Xrtxmxs:** I collected everybody’s presents and distributed them perfectly according to the cheat sheet you gave me   
  
**Kxldxr:** I am already in the car on my way to Conner’s house.   
  
**Zxtxnnx:** i called the place and made sure they had our reservation for 3:00   
  
**Zxtxnnx:** are u sure he’s going to be finished by then?    
  
**Mxgxn:** Probably but who knows ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Mxgxn:** Kaldur, make sure to keep us all updated okay?   
  
**Kxldxr:** Aye aye captain.   
  
**Dxck:** And make sure to get video footage of the adventure if you can because this is going to be Fun   
  
**Kxldxr:** I will do my best.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Megan** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **09:25 EST**

**Conner:** omg ellen you didnt   
  
**Megan:** :)   
  
**Conner:** you made me a birthday scavenger hunt   
  
**Megan:** Hop to it birthday boy, there’s a surprise waiting for you at the finish line   
  
**Conner:** this is so fun i love you so much oh my god   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **10:11 EST**

**Rxqxxl:** Update us Kal, how is our boy doing??   
  
**Kxldxr:** He found the first two presents and is stuck looking for the third one at the park.   
  
**Wxlly:** weird, I was sure he’d have no problem with that one   
  
**Wxlly:** the riddle makes it clear it’s hidden under the seesaw right?   
  
**Kxldxr:** Considering he is climbing a tree right now, I don’t think he understood it correctly.   
  
**Rxy:** What did he say when he unwrapped the book about coffee tables at the last destination??   
  
**Kxldxr:** He shed a tear and said it was exactly what he wanted.   
  
**Rxy:** FUCK YEAH IT WAS.   
  
  


* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **11:30 EST**

**Conner:** which one of you gave me the shoebox full of ace cards   
  
**Wally:** do you like it??? at the bottom of the box is one that I got signed by the guy who holds the world record for the most hot dogs eaten in one sitting   
  
**Conner:** i love it   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **13:48 EST**

**Kxldxr:** [image sent]   
  
**Kxldxr:** He has been sitting on the ground staring at the riddle for the past thirty minutes. I think his nose is bleeding.   
  
**Dxck:** Dghjkjhgfgh   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **14:02 EST**

**Zatanna:** how are u holding up connie?   
  
**Conner:** im up to the 7th present, i just found the one that was duct taped to the dumpster behind the school   
  
**Zatanna:** that one’s from me :)   
  
**Zatanna:** i got u some fingerless gloves so u can be as emo as ur little heart desires   
  
**Conner:** this is such a good present thank you   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **14:37 EST**

**Conner:** before i do this i want to make sure im not misreading the riddle and making a total ass of myself   
  
**Artemis:** Sounds like someone is almost at the finish line    
  
**Conner:** am i really supposed to go to the mcdonalds drive thru and order a big mood   
  
**Dick:** Hmmmm well it sounds like that’s what the clue wants you to do, you might as well do it   
  
**Conner:** you people worry me   
  
**Roy:** Hey if I pay you back later can you order me some nuggs. I’m starving and Megan won’t let us eat the cake until you get here.   
  
**Conner:** sure what size   
  
**Roy:** Hmmm order me a Daddy Supreme.   
  
**Kaldur:** :/   
  
**Roy:** With barbecue sauce please.   
  
**Conner:** ok   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **14:46 EST**

**Mxgxn:** Well?????   
  
**Kxldxr:** The eagle is leaving the nest. I repeat: the eagle is leaving the nest.   
  
**Xrtxmxs:** What?   
  
**Kxldxr:** The meatball is rolling down the hill.   
  
**Rxy:** Huh?   
  
**Kxldxr:** Conner figured out that the dog treat he got from McDonald’s meant he should go to the pet store next and we are on our way now.   
  
**Mxgxn:** Perfect!!   
  
**Rxqxxl:** It’s a good thing your friend Garth works at McDonald’s, we should thank him for helping us out   
  
**Kxldxr:** I tipped him with an oyster shell I found at the beach yesterday.   
  
**Wxlly:** did he like it?   
  
**Kxldxr:** He did until a tiny crab crawled out of it.   
  
**Xrtxmxs:** ??   
  
**Kxldxr:** A lack of vigilance on my part. However, I don’t see how a bonus chompy friend is anything to scream at.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Alpha Squad** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **14:46 EST**

**Kxldxr:** We are outside, is everyone ready?   
  
**Mxgxn:** Got the cake!   
  
**Dxck:** Got the video camera!   
  
**Zxtxnnx:** got the puppies!   
  
**Kxldxr:** Coming in now.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Wendy** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, March 21** **  
** **15:09 EST**

**Conner:** [image sent]   
  
**Wendy:** Should I even ask why you’re surrounded by thirty puppies?   
  
**Conner:** THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Satan** **  
** **  
** **Monday, March 23** **  
** **14:33 EST**

**Roy:** Something came in the mail for you today.   
  
**Satan:** Oh my god when????   
  
**Roy:** Uhh today? I’m pretty sure I said that.   
  
**Satan:** IS IT AN ACCEPTANCE LETTER????   
  
**Roy:** I dunno it’s your mail.   
  
**Satan:** Can’t you open it for me??????   
  
**Roy:** Hey now that’s a federal crime missy.   
  
**Satan:** Fine fine I’m at church so I’ll be there in 20 minutes   
  
**Roy:** We both know you don’t go to church.   
  
**Satan:** Yeah I lied I’m standing in an empty parking lot with Dick t-posing at neon gas station signs like we do every Monday   
  
**Roy:** I’m disowning you.   
  
**Roy:** Also I don’t know if this is important or not but the letter says it’s from Stanford University.   
  
**Satan:** W H A T    
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Monday, March 23** **  
** **14:59 EST**

**Artemis:** So…   
  
**Artemis:** My Stanford letter arrived today   
  
**Megan:** :o   
  
**Zatanna:** o fuk o fuk o fuk WHAT DOES IT SAYY   
  
**Artemis:** :|   
  
**Dick:** Please just tell us already the suspense is killing me   
  
**Artemis:** Well,,,   
  
**Wally:** oh my god oh my god oh my god…..   
  
**Artemis:** I regret to inform you all,,   
  
**Artemis:** [image sent]   
  
**Artemis:** I FUCKING GOT IN!!!!   
  
**Wally:** RDFYUGBIKJLVKFIHY  _ NICE _   
  
**Megan:** HOORAY!!!!!   
  
**Raquel:** I’M SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU HOLY SHIT   
  
**Dick:** ARTEMIS YOU’RE AN ABSOLUTE QUEEEEEEEEN   
  
**Kaldur:** AMAZING JOB ARTEMIS!!! <3   
  
**Roy:** Hell yeah that’s my fake sister!!! Can’t wait to finally kick you out of my house!!!   
  
**Wally:** congrats babe, I knew you’d get in <3   
  
**Artemis:** THANKS GUYS   
  
**Artemis:** And don’t worry Wally I’m sure your letter is on its way, if mine got here today then it won’t take long before we’re celebrating together like a couple of kickass future Stanford students   
  
**Wally:** yeah!   
  
**Wally:** definitely   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Bruce** **  
** **  
** **Monday, March 23** **  
** **15:28 EST**

**Dick:** Bruce I need you to do me a huge huge HUGE favor   
  
**Bruce:** What is it?   
  
**Dick:** Before I tell you I need you to promise not to tell anyone about this okay. Especially Wally   
  
**Bruce:** Are you dragging me into some illegal project? Because I found a gray hair in my eyebrow today and I named it Richard, that’s how much your and your friends’ hijinks stresses me out.   
  
**Dick:** It’s nothing like that don’t worry, it’s actually a good deed   
  
**Dick:** But you gotta say you promise not to tell first   
  
**Bruce:** Fine. I promise.   
  
**Dick:** Excellent   
  
**Bruce:** So what do you need?   
  
**Dick:** Are you still in touch with that Stanford admissions guy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww what a nice friend Dick is. That little good deed definitely won't be coming up ever again. No way. :)
> 
> Also this fic is now officially longer than the first one!!! And we're not even close to done yet, oh boy.


	23. Holy Clusterfuck, Batman!! (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The originals plan a trip, Jaime doesn't sneeze, and Dick feels guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started working on this chapter, I was worried that it would be too short and I'd have to cram in a bunch of extra stuff to fill it up. By the time I was 80% finished with the first draft it was more than twice as long as my average word count goal, so I had to split it into two parts for my own peace of mind. Enjoy!

**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, March 24** **  
** **14:02 EST**

**Wally:** I FUCKING DID IT GUYS  
  
 **Wally:** [image sent]  
  
 **Wally:** I GOT INTO STANFORD!!!!!  
  
 **Megan:** OH MY GOSH YOU DID IT!!!! ＼(★^∀^★)／  
  
 **Artemis:** I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT WALLY!!!!  
  
 **Raquel:** HELL YES YOU FUNKY ROCK STAR <3<3<3  
  
 **Roy:** GNGHNFGGH DUDE I’M SO FUCKIJNG PROUD OF YOU!!!  
  
 **Dick:** GREAT JOB WALLMAN!!!  
  
 **Zatanna:** YAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYY U DID IT!!  
  
 **Wally:** I’m so FUCKING relieved, I was so worried I wouldn’t get in but I did it!!!! I got into my dream school!!!!! my future is set!!!!!  
  
 **Artemis:** FUCK YEAH IT IS  
  
 **Megan:** Oh my gosh this means we all got into our dream colleges this is so great!!!   
  
**Megan:** Or well  
  
 **Megan:** Most of us  
  
 **Megan:** Sorry Conner  
  
 **Conner:** its fine, ive still got some ideas in the works  
  
 **Dick:** You still don’t know what you’re gonna do yet?  
  
 **Conner:** i dunno  
  
 **Conner:** i dont think college is for me  
  
 **Raquel:** There’s nothing wrong with that! You can always do a trade school or get a job at a mechanic shop or even do some community college courses to figure out what it is you want  
  
 **Raquel:** You’ve got time and plenty of options  
  
 **Conner:** yeah  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen after graduation anymore, that shit was stressful  
  
 **Artemis:** Now I can skip class to play marbles in the bathroom again without feeling bad about it!  
  
 **Megan:** How often do you do that?  
  
 **Artemis:** Too often  
  
 **Artemis:** The Senioritis Is Kicking In Chief  
  
 **Zatanna:** me too  
  
 **Conner:** youre not even a senior  
  
 **Zatanna:** it’s pre-senioritis so i can practice for the real thing. still counts  
  
 **Roy:** I don’t think that’s how it works.  
  
 **Zatanna:** u just have no imagination  
  
 **Dick:** We should DO something  
  
 **Conner:** like have a ravioli party?  
  
 **Dick:** Like do something that’s totally crazy and irresponsible for the sweet sweet rush of adrenaline and shame that comes with being chaotic bastards  
  
 **Dick:** A special senior year activity to take a break from all the shit of Life and to celebrate everyone getting into their colleges. Preferably by ditching school for the rest of the week  
  
 **Wally:** you and zee aren’t seniors though which makes this senior identity theft  
  
 **Zatanna:** yeah but u guys are gonna be gone next year so we need to treat it like we’re graduating too for the nostalgia  
  
 **Zatanna:** besides i think we deserve two senior years  
  
 **Dick:** Agreed  
  
 **Raquel:** So what should we do? It’s gotta be something really good if we’re going to skip school for it  
  
 **Megan:** How about a camping trip?  
  
 **Kaldur:** I am allergic to bears.  
  
 **Dick:** Let’s dig a tunnel to Niagara Falls like badgermoles!!  
  
 **Raquel:** Ew that sounds like work. I’d rather hire someone else to do it  
  
 **Roy:** We should go somewhere that’s super pointless and far away that we have to drive forever to get to.  
  
 **Conner:** so….youre suggesting a road trip  
  
 **Roy:** You’re darn right I'm suggesting a road trip.  
  
 **Megan:** I like it! Where should we go?  
  
 **Wally:** HARRY POTTER WORLD  
  
 **Zatanna:** HARRY POTTER WORLDDDDDD  
  
 **Roy:** No. I refuse to be dragged there against my will. Not again.  
  
 **Conner:** i dont even like harry potter  
  
 **Zatanna:** boo u whores  
  
 **Wally:** you all hate us  
  
 **Zatanna:** hermione is a better friend than all of u stale fruitcakes combined  
  
 **Dick:** Any other ideas?  
  
 **Megan:** How about Disneyland!  
  
 **Artemis:** Nah I’m too poor  
  
 **Kaldur:** Why don’t we go see the world’s largest spork in Mississippi?  
  
 **Wally:** there’s a WHAT in misssippsiii  
  
 **Zatanna:** AMAZING IDEA I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH GIANT SILVERWARE  
  
 **Kaldur:** I think it's plasticware.  
  
 **Raquel:** I’ve never been to Misippitity before, sounds fun!  
  
 **Conner:** whats the point? we drive 20 hours to look at a spork and then go home?  
  
 **Dick:** It’s about the Journey, my friend  
  
 **Artemis:** Love that band  
  
 **Roy:** We can rent one of those huge road trip RVs and stop at gross gas stations on the way and sleep in the woods and probably get our shoes stolen and have to continue the rest of the trip on foot while we get picked off one by one by a mysterious killer in a hockey mask until one of us remains standing, only to get eaten by Predator right as they’re in sight of the police station.  
  
 **Megan:** Yes to everything except for that last part  
  
 **Megan:** How will we get an RV though? I have some money saved up from babysitting and I know Raquel has been working at Dairy Queen for a while, but other than that we’re all broke :(  
  
 **Dick:** I’m insulted Megan  
  
 **Dick:** I thought I flaunted my extraordinary wealth in front of you all enough but I guess not  
  
 **Artemis:** Technically your dad is the rich one, not you  
  
 **Dick:** What Bruce doesn’t know about his missing credit cards won’t hurt him  
  
 **Roy:** Plus Oliver gives me a hundred dollars for every week I’m drug free, so I’m loaded.  
  
 **Wally:** god bless rich white men  
  
 **Raquel:** So when are we going?  
  
 **Wally:** soon. very soon  
  
 **Wally:** we need this vacation pronto and I’m not just saying that because I’m excited and waiting for fun things is agonizing for me  
  
 **Artemis:** I have a quiz tomorrow  
  
 **Dick:** The day after then?  
  
 **Conner:** that seems kind of soon, dont we have to plan the trip and stuff?  
  
 **Zatanna:** come onnnnnn live a little conner  
  
 **Zatanna:** a reckless adventure every once in a while is healthy  
  
 **Wally:** yeah! sometimes you just gotta pack up and go on a random trip for no reason and I think that’s perfectly reasonable  
  
 **Kaldur:** So what is the plan? We leave Thursday morning and come back Sunday?  
  
 **Dick:** Sounds crash to me! Any objections?  
  
 **Megan:** What about Sadie Hawkins on Friday?  
  
 **Artemis:** Eh  
  
 **Artemis:** That’s just a dumb dance so the underclassmen don’t feel left out by us cool older kids  
  
 **Kaldur:** Besides, we will always have prom.  
  
 **Megan:** Good point  
  
 **Megan:** In that case I’m in!! Let’s go on a road trip!!  
  
 **Zatanna:** HELL YEAHHHH  
 **  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Monday, March 24** **  
** **14:45 EST**

**Steph:** tell me a secret   
  
**Traci:** My middle name is Egg   
  
**Cassie:** I can’t spell Massechusets   
  
**Violet:** I liked the third Shrek movie better than the first two.   
  
**Bart:** blocked   
  
**Violet:** :/   
  
**Ed:** I’m allergic to strawberries but I eat them anyway because I don’t fear death   
  
**Tim:** Wë killeď the heậlth inspectỡr   
  
**Jaime:** I’ve never sneezed before in my life.   
  
**Steph:** i’m sorry what was that last one   
  
**Jaime:** I’ve never sneezed.   
  
**Ed:** What does that even mean   
  
**Ed:** How can you not sneeze   
  
**Jaime:** I simply don’t do it.   
  
**Traci:** Do you hold them in?   
  
**Jaime:** Nope. I've just never gotten the urge to.   
  
**Bart:** what about when you smell pepper?   
  
**Jaime:** Not even a tickle.   
  
**Tim:** Whęn you stare ẫt the sun for tõo long?   
  
**Jaime:** Nope.   
  
**Steph:** yeah sorry but now the only thing in the world i care about is getting jaime to sneeze who’s with me   
  
**Jaime:** You can try all you want but I doubt it’ll happen, my body just doesn’t sneeze.   
  
**Jaime:** I have no idea what it feels like to sneeze but it seems fun. Wish I could do it some day.   
  
**Steph:** you poor soul   
  
**Kaldur:** Good afternoon everyone!   
  
**Traci:** *gasp* A visitor!!   
  
**Bart:** HI MOM WHAT’S UP   
  
**Kaldur:** I have an announcement for you all, so I need everyone gathered in one place.   
  
**Ed:** It’s always an announcement with you. Have you ever texted us here on Kid Island just to say hi?   
  
**Kaldur:** …   
  
**Kaldur:** Hi.   
  
**Steph:** HI KALDUR!! :D   
  
**Tim:** whǎt’s the añnouncễment?   
  
**Kaldur:** Well I cannot just announce it without my full audience now can I.   
  
**Kaldur:** @Everyone come here please.   
  
**Cassie:** I would have done it differently   
  
**Tim:** pleảse demonṣtrate for us thển queen cassầndra   
  
**Cassie:** @everyone GET OVER HERE YOU BASTARDS OUR MOM NEEDS ALL HANDS ON THE FUCKING DECK   
  
**Tim:** I lĭke it   
  
**Cassie:** Thanks I worked really hard on it   
  
**Artemis:** Every time we get summoned here I feel like I’m on Lost and we’re meeting up with the Others   
  
**Garfield:** didn’t everyone die at the end of that show?   
  
**Artemis:** I honestly have no clue   
  
**Megan:** Hi everyone!!!   
  
**Tim:** hi megan!!!!   
  
**Dick:** Hi Timmy!!!!!   
  
**Tim:** mĕh   
  
**Dick:** Don’t ever talk to me again you ungrateful cretin. Steph you’re my sibling now   
  
**Steph:** YES FINALLY   
  
**Raquel:** We’re all here Kaldur, you can do the announcement now   
  
**Kaldur:** Okay.   
  
**Kaldur:** So the upperclassmen and I are going to be embarking on a road trip for the next few days because we have senioritis and we need a vacation to celebrate our acceptances into college.   
  
**Bart:** ooooh can we come??   
  
**Kaldur:** No.   
  
**Bart:** well I tried   
  
**Kaldur:** However, because we will not be here for our meeting on Friday, someone needs to step up as temporary leader.   
  
**Cassie:** I VOLUNTEER I VOLUNTEER I VOLUNTEEEEEER   
  
**Bart:** NO NO I WANNA DO IT PICK ME KALDUR I’M A GREAT LEADER   
  
**Traci:** Why don’t we nominate people for leader? That way at least it can be fair   
  
**Cassie:** I NOMINATE MYSELF   
  
**Bart:** I ALSO NOMINATE MYSELF!!!   
  
**Zatanna:** i nominate ed because i trust him    
  
**Ed:** You really shouldn’t but thank you   
  
**Megan:** I nominate Garfield!! He’s great at leading, he and his stuffed animals used to defeat the Barbie military all the time   
  
**Dick:** I nominate Tim!! :)   
  
**Tim:** oh nǒ please doñ’t   
  
**Dick:** Too late I already did   
  
**Tim:** Well táke it back I døn’t want to be the lëader that’s Scẩry   
  
**Dick:** Nope! Deal with it you magnificent boi <3   
  
**Tim:** chòke on shít and đie   
  
**Violet:** I nominate Bart as well!!   
  
**Bart:** :’) thanks violet I always knew I could trust you   
  
**Violet:** You’re welcome. I like to support the underdogs.   
  
**Kaldur:** This is an awful lot of nominations that I would absolutely LOVE to sift through and have us all vote on, but I am quite busy with these taxes over here so we will have to do this the easy way.   
  
**Artemis:** Don’t lie Kaldur we all know you’ve been sexting Roy this whole time   
  
**Kaldur:** Irrelevant!  
  
 **Megan:** O_o   
  
**Kaldur:** I was thinking everyone could draw straws.   
  
**Cassie:** We’re texting   
  
**Steph:** that’s okay kaldur just say i picked the biggest straw problem solved   
  
**Bart:** we should do a race and whoever is fastest gets to be leader   
  
**Jaime:** No no I say we should do a fashion show and the winner gets to pick who leads us.   
  
**Ed:** In that case you might as well just hand me the prize because uhhhhh I’m a snacc   
  
**Bart:** I second that   
  
**Cassie:** Just because you wear two belts doesn’t mean you’re fashionable   
  
**Cassie:** [image sent]   
  
**Cassie:** You see this flannel/ripped jeans/giant star earrings look? Peak gay fashion   
  
**Bart:** OBJECTION YOUR HONOR SHE’S USING HER LESBIANISM FOR THE GAY VOTE   
  
**Cassie:** WE’RE ALL GAY YOU TWINK   
  
**Bart:** YOUR HONOR SHE CALLED ME A TWINK I WANT THAT ON RECORD   
  
**Kaldur:** …    
  
**Kaldur:** I am thinking of a number between one and one hundred.   
  
**Garfield:** 69?   
  
**Kaldur:** Congratulations Gar, you are the new interim leader.   
  
**Garfield:** hell yeah   
  
**Bart:** D:   
  
**Kaldur:** Goodbye kids, do not bother me again unless someone is dying.    
  
**Kaldur Durham is now offline.** **  
** **  
** **Garfield:** :)   
  
**Garfield:** bow down peasants   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Babs** **  
** **  
** **Monday, March 24** **  
** **22:19 EST**

  
**Dick:** I need some sage advice  
  
 **Babs:** SWEET can I wear my smart glasses  
  
 **Dick:** I don’t see how any of your other glasses aren’t smart glasses but sure  
  
 **Dick:** I did something that I’m not sure I should have done and now I’m worried about how a certain person will take it if they ever find out  
  
 **Babs:** Okayyy what did you do?  
  
 **Dick:** You know how Wally had his heart set on going to Stanford in the fall?  
  
 **Babs:** Nope  
  
 **Dick:** Well he did  
  
 **Dick:** And I may have had Bruce call the admissions people and use his famous rich guy influence so that Wally would get in  
  
 **Dick:** And…….he might have donated a few thousand dollars too  
  
 **Babs:** Oh my god  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah  
  
 **Babs:** And you didn’t tell Wally about this??  
  
 **Dick:** By the time I figured I should come clean it was already too late and I don’t want him to be mad at me  
  
 **Babs:** I mean you did bribe his college to accept him, I’d be pretty mad too  
  
 **Babs:** Why did you think it was necessary anyway? I thought Wally was a great student  
  
 **Dick:** He is! He’s one of the smartest people I know besides you and I knew he’d be a shoo-in for Stanford  
  
 **Dick:** But...I mean he’s been freaking out about it for weeks  
  
 **Dick:** Ever since he sent in the application he’s been anxious and he hasn’t been sleeping and it’s like I could telepathically FEEL how worried he was all the time. I just wanted to make sure he got what he wanted because I would feel horrible if he didn't get in and I had known there was a way for me to help him and I didn't do it  
  
 **Babs:** He’s not going to be happy when he finds out  
  
 **Dick:** I know  
  
 **Babs:** And you know I love you Dick, but he’ll have a right to be pissed when you tell him because that was kind of a fucked up thing for you to do. You violated his trust  
  
 **Dick:** I know I know, what I did was super bad and all, but don’t I get points for doing it for a good and wholesome reason??? I helped my best friend get into his dream school so he can graduate with no stress and get his future on track  
  
 **Babs:** You at least should have thought to ask him before you meddled in his life  
  
 **Dick:** Yeahhh I guess you’re right on that part  
  
 **Dick:** So what should I do?  
  
 **Babs:** What do you want to hear?  
  
 **Dick:** That I made the right decision and Wally will forgive me eventually, but it’s best that I keep this whole thing to myself so he doesn’t feel like it was charity  
  
 **Babs:** Okay  
  
 **Babs:** Now what do you NEED to hear?  
  
 **Dick:** That...it was wrong to have Bruce help out without asking Wally in advance and I should come clean and apologize to him  
  
 **Babs:** You’re not a bad person for wanting your friend to be happy, Dick. You were just trying to help  
  
 **Babs:** But Wally still has a right to know  
  
 **Dick:** He’s going to be so mad when I tell him  
  
 **Babs:** You're probably right. But it's better than living with this guilt following you your whole life, right?  
  
 **Dick:** Can’t I at least wait a little while? Maybe I’ll tell him on my deathbed so I can evaporate from the earthly plane with a clean conscience and won’t have to deal with the fallout  
  
 **Babs:** I think it’s best you do it before graduation that way he has time to think things over before he leaves  
  
 **Dick:** Ughhhhhhhhh I hate rationality  
  
 **Babs:** That’s why you’ve got me to be the angel on your shoulder  
  
 **Dick:** Who’s the devil then?  
  
 **Babs:** I think we’ve established by now that you are your own shoulder devil  
  
 **Dick:** SWEET I always wanted horns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have most of the second part of this chapter written up already, but I have like three assignments to work on over the next few days so who knows when that will be posted. 
> 
> Also guess which gal FINALLY retrieved her stuff from her dorm after weeks of being stuck at home with only the bare essentials!!! THIS GAL!!!!!!!! It's so great having more than five changes of clothes, PLUS I've been reunited with my books!!! I can finally read the Lunar Chronicles again!!! I'm so happy. :)


	24. Holy Clusterfuck, Batman!! (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The originals embark on an adventure, Ed FINALLY asks Bart to the dance, and a gay time is had by all.

**Giovanni > Zatanna** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 26** **  
****06:28 EST**

**Giovanni:** Do I need glasses or did I just watch my beloved daughter climb into a bedazzled RV and drive away without telling me where she's going, who she is going with, or why they drove in the opposite direction of the school?   
  
**Zatanna:** going on a road trip dad, we’ll be back by sunday   
  
**Giovanni:** What about school??   
  
**Zatanna:** oh it was canceled due to a woozle infestation. my friends and i are taking a trip to celebrate. i’ll text u every few hours to let u know i’m alive and all that   
  
**Giovanni:** When you get home, we are going to have a serious talk about communication and the importance of telling your poor father these things so he doesn’t die of a heart attack.   
  
**Zatanna:** sounds fun can’t wait, i’d love to talk more but artemis is launching marshmallows into kaldur’s mouth with a slingshot and i gotta see this   
  
**Zatanna:** love u!! see u sunday   
  
**Giovanni:** Please be safe.   
  
**Zatanna:** no promises ;)   
  
**Giovanni:** YES PROMISES.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Raquel** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 26** **  
****06:39 EST**

**Roy:** Get in loser we’re going road tripping.   
  
**Raquel:** You can stop honking I’ll be out in a minute, just tryna find my ski mask   
  
**Roy:** Why do you need a ski mask? We’re not going skiing.   
  
**Raquel:** Yeah but I figured I should have one on hand just in case we rob a bank or two on the way. Gotta think one step ahead   
  
**Roy:** Huh.   
  
**Raquel:** Found it! Coming outside now.   
  
**Raquel:** wOW that is one festive vehicle   
  
**Roy:** Artemis helped me pick it out, she thought the sparkles would scare off predators and establish dominance over the other cars on the freeway.   
  
**Raquel:** Classy   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Steph > Timmy** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 26** **  
****07:51 EST**

**Steph:** HELLO MY DARLING LOVEMUFFIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME TOMORROW   
  
**Timmy:** SALỬTATIONS MY RADIANT SUNFLŌWER I WOULD _LOVE_ TO GO TỠ THE DANCE WITH YOU   
  
**Steph:** EXCELLENT! I SHALL BE WEARING A PURPLE DRESS AND CONVERSE SO I SUGGEST YOU COLORIZE YOUR ATTIRE ACCORDINGLY, MY DAZZLING STAR   
  
**Timmy:** A WONDẼRFUL IDEA MY BEAUTIFUL EGGPLẢNT PRINCESS, SHOULD I HAVE ALFRED DRỊVE US IN THE LIMO THAT WẦY ALL OF THE OTHER STUDENTS ARE JEALỢUS OF US?   
  
**Steph:** WHAT A FANTASTIC SUGGESTION I AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY MY GLORIOUS GENIUS BOY   
  
**Timmy:** I’M GLÁD WE ARE OÑ THE SAME PAGË   
  
**Steph:** YES QUITE GOOD SIR   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Violet > Brion** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 26** **  
****08:04 EST**

**Violet:** Hi Brion! :^) I have a question for you.   
  
**Brion:** Hi Violet! :^) What’s up?   
  
**Violet:** Well I have been thinking a lot about the Sadie Hawkins dance tomorrow which, if you didn’t know, is a dance when the girl is supposed to ask the boy.   
  
**Violet:** And I know I am not a girl, but I still would like to be your date if that is what you want, so I’m doing that.   
  
**Violet:** Asking you.   
  
**Violet:** Right now.   
  
**Violet:** ...Do you want to go with me?   
  
**Brion:** Sure I’d love to!   
  
**Violet:** Really?   
  
**Brion:** Really really   
  
**Brion:** I have lacrosse practice after school 2day but do u want to hang out after that?   
  
**Violet:** Okay!   
  
**Violet:** I’m so excited, I have never been to an American school dance before. Is it as fun as it looks on TV?   
  
**Brion:** I kind of want to lie and say it’s great that way u aren’t disappointed, but...not really? It’s mostly just a lot of bad music and sweaty people everywhere and the gym is covered in tacky paper decorations   
  
**Violet:** :^/   
  
**Brion:** But don’t worry I’ll make sure u have a super good time!! And afterwards we can do smth totally fun, whatever u want   
  
**Violet:** My friends from gay club are going to get dessert at Snart’s Ice Cream Parlor, maybe we can go with them?   
  
**Brion:** Ok! I’d love to meet ur friends   
  
**Brion:** I have class rn but we can talk more after school?   
  
**Violet:** Okay!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 26** **  
****10:49 EST**

**Artemis:** Wallace Rudolph West will you get out of the gas station bathroom already?? Conner just bought like twelve taquitos and I need someone to talk him out of eating them all before he dies  
  
 **Baywatch:** hmm well maybe if SOMEONE hadn’t gotten maple syrup in my hair I’d be out by now. just saying  
  
 **Artemis:** I said I was sorry!!  
  
 **Artemis:** It’s not my fault the road was so bumpy   
  
**Artemis:** Plus it was Megan’s idea to get breakfast at the pancake-taco stand in the first place so blame her  
  
 **Baywatch:** I would sooner be sliced in half vertically than blame megan for anything in this world  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 26** **  
****14:32 EST**

**Bruce:** Dick, why didn’t you come home from school today? Alfred is ten seconds away from putting your face on a milk carton.   
  
**Jaybird:** why are you asking this in the family gc when you could’ve just called him yourself   
  
**Bruce:** Because he’s less likely to lie around you all.   
  
**Barbie:** That's so goddamn dramatic I love it   
  
**Bruce:** Where are you, Dick?   
  
**Dickish:** You mean like right now?   
  
**Dickish:** Somewhere in Maryland I think   
  
**Bruce:** I’m sorry _what._   
  
**Dickish:** Don’t get your panties all twisted up we’ll be back sometime on Sunday   
  
**Bruce:** Who is we???   
  
**Dickish:** The gay folks™   
  
**Bruce:** ???   
  
**Dickish:** We’re taking a senior road trip to cool off and avoid our responsibilities. Also to celebrate being sexy enough for colleges to accept us into their cults   
  
**Jaybird:** you’re not even a fucking senior   
  
**Dickish:** Can everyone stop bringing up that meaningless detail gosh darn   
  
**Bruce:** And you didn’t think to tell anyone before you left?   
  
**Dickish:** Of course I did Bruce I’m not a COMPLETE idiot   
  
**Dickish:** I told Cass  
  
 **Jaybird:** uvdgqvqivecyie   
  
**Barbie:** You keysmash like a straight person   
  
**Jaybird:** you shut your FUCKING MOUTH don’t ever say those words to me in that order again or I’ll do cocaine and force you to endure a lifetime of guilt   
  
**Bruce:** Cass?   
  
**Cass:** :| ?   
  
**Bruce:** Did Dick tell you he was leaving for a road trip this morning?   
  
**Cass:** yea   
  
**Bruce:** And you didn’t think to inform me about it.   
  
**Cass:** no   
  
**Dick:** That’s because Cass is a good sister and now I’m far enough away that you can’t do anything to wrongfully punish me until I get back  
  
 **Barbie:** You have to admit it Bruce that's an excellent plan  
  
 **Bruce:** Stay out of this.  
  
 **Barbie:** Nah   
  
**Purple Ninja:** how is your trip going dick?   
  
**Dickish:** It’s good! Roy got chased by a duck when we stopped to stretch our legs in Pennsylvania and then we forgot Megan in the lobster emporium so we’re driving back for her now   
  
**Bruce:** Where are you all even going??   
  
**Dickish:** Missississipppti  
  
 **Barbie:** I think it’s spelled Misisisispipi   
  
**YUMMMMM:** no it’s misspittittittities   
  
**Dickish:** Missiipsispi   
  
**Barbie:** Mipipmisissi   
  
**Dickish:** Missisippppppy?   
  
**Jaybird:** msisisssssssipi   
  
**Bruce:** You people exhaust me. I should have taken Selina and run away to Aruba years ago instead of having kids.   
  
**Purple Ninja:** awwwww thanks b-man we love you too <3   
  
**Bruce:** I am going to take a bubble bath. Dick, try not to die. The rest of you, don’t bother me for at least the next five hours. I need an Advil.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Super Secret Group Chat That Bart Allen Isn’t Allowed To Be In Or Know About So It’s Only These Nine People And No One Else Are You All Happy Now** **  
****  
****Thursday, March 26** **  
****18:21 EST**

**Ed:** I’m finally gonna do it guys  
  
 **Traci:** Run for mayor?   
  
**Ed:** No that’s next year   
  
**Ed:** I’m gonna ask Bart to go to the dance with me   
  
**Tim:** NICE   
  
**Traci:** Hooray!!! (even though you should have done this days ago and we're all kind of tired of waiting but who am I to judge)  
  
 **Ed:** Gee thanks Traci   
  
**Virgil:** How are you going to do it??   
  
**Ed:** I think I’m gonna keep it simple. I’ll break into the school early tomorrow morning and put a bunch of paper hearts in his locker and then he’s gonna turn around and see me holding the sign that says “You’re Gay, I’m Gay, Let’s Be Gay At The Dance Together” and then uhhhh hopefully I don’t get rejected and cry in the hallway in front of everyone   
  
**Garfield:** that’s so corny I love it   
  
**Virgil:** I have never been prouder to be your best friend than I am right now   
  
**Ed:** You’re all sure he’s going to say yes right? Because I'm wearing too cool an outfit to get my heart trampled today   
  
**Cassie:** Yes absolutely without a doubt   
  
**Jaime:** Trust us, there’s no way he won’t say yes. You’ve got this.   
  
**Ed:** You sure?   
  
**Jaime:** 100%   
  
**Tim:** I can také a video of it right? Becaûse i’m doing that either way but I fįgured it would be pốlite to ask first   
  
**Ed:** Sure   
  
**Tim:** Awesọme sắuce   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Donna** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****01:36 EST**

**Artemis:** For the record, I just want to say that I blame you   
  
**Donna:** For what?   
  
**Donna:** Though I definitely agree with that decision   
  
**Artemis:** Dick and Wally are jamming out to their “special road trip playlist” which is half emo music and half Spongebob songs and it makes me want to drive straight into a brick wall   
  
**Artemis:** I can smell your demonic influence here   
  
**Donna:** Oh yeah that was definitely me. Dick and I made it for one of our mathletes competitions in eighth grade and it just stuck   
  
**Artemis:** My brain is oozing out of my eyeballs   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****07:16 EST**

**Bartemis:** kgTFYICGUHBFHFC GUYS GUYS GUY S ED JUST ASKED ME TO THE DA NCE I’M FLIPPING OUTTTTT   
  
**Timber:** NICE!!!   
  
**Casserole:** IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME   
  
**Conner:** congrats dude!!   
  
**Bartemis:** HE PUT PAPER HEARTS IN MY LOCKER AND WHEN I OPENED IT THEY ALL SPILLED OTU AND HE HAD A SPARKLY SIGN AND EVERYTHING AND HE ASKED ME TO GO WITH HIM TONIGHT IN A DATE WAY I’M GONNA CRY GUYS I’M SO HAPPY SOMEONE MEET ME IN THE GSA ROOM SO I CAN SC REAM ABOUT THIS   
  
**Timber:** On mỹ way, I’ll bring thề tissues   
  
**Casserole:** I’ll bring the confetti   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Tim > Wally** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****07:22 EST**

**Tim:** [video sent]   
  
**Tim:** figứred you would appŕeciate this   
  
**Wally:** OH MY GOD _F I N A L L Y_   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Bart** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****07:23 EST**

**Wally:** have fun at the dance tonight gayboy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   
  
**Bart:** I’M SO FUCKIGN EXCITED   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Cassie > Cissie** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****09:20 EST**

**Cassie:** Hey pretty girl do you wanna go to the dance with me tonight  
  
 **Cissie:** that depends, do you wanna go to the dance with ME tonight?  
  
 **Cassie:** Oh that depends, do YOU wanna go to the dance with ME because I’m the girl in this relationship and therefore I’m the one who should be asking  
  
 **Cissie:** hmmmm I don’t know if I can fit it into my schedule, but seeing as I’m in fact the girl in this relationship I would be happy to ask YOU to go with ME. just saying  
  
 **Cassie:** Well that’s a very intriguing idea, but sadly I can’t go with you. I wouldn’t be opposed to you going with me tho  
  
 **Cissie:** that is a fine suggestion but consider this: you go to the dance with ME  
  
 **Cassie:** Interesting take! However, I’ve got a follow-up take: go to the dance with me  
  
 **Cissie:** I’m afraid I’m gonna have to turn that down because I’m gonna be too busy taking you to the dance tonight  
  
 **Cassie:** I don’t see how you’re going to be doing that seeing as I’m the one taking YOU to the dance, but I welcome you to try  
  
 **Cissie:** well that’s going to be quite a difficult task since I’m going to be taking YOU to the dance actually  
  
 **Cassie:** Not as difficult as your noble effort to take me to the dance because I’m actually taking YOU there as my date can you believe it  
  
 **Cissie:** alternate idea: you be MY date poof problem solved  
  
 **Cassie:** Alternate alternate idea: YOU can be MY date!  
  
 **Cissie:** alternate alternate ALTERNATE idea: YOU be MY date  
  
 **Cassie:** Oh well you won’t believe what my alternate alternate alternate ALTERNATE idea is  
  
 **Cissie:** tell me  
  
 **Cassie:** get this okay: YOU…  
  
 **Cassie:** Be MY date  
  
 **Cissie:** fascinating! afraid I’m gonna have to turn it down, but I have a spectacular alternate alternate alternate alternate ALTERNATE idea,  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Roy > Jade** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****09:43 EST**

**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** Check it out, we finally made it to the world’s largest spork!   
  
**Roy:** You should keep this photo of me and the spork forever that way Lian can see it when she’s grown up and know what a cool guy her dad was in his prime.   
  
**Jade:** I didn’t know cool guy was a synonym for dumbass   
  
**Roy:** Sticks and stones may break my bones but words make me cry for hours. :)   
  
**Roy:** Give Lian a kiss for me btw!! Tell her she’s prettier than a cheese and spinach omelette.   
  
**Jade:** No but I’d be happy to tell her you got crushed by a giant spork and died   
  
**Roy:** Bold of you to assume I can be killed.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****12:59 EST**

**Wally:** hey so like. are you doing okay?  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** Yeah? I’m fit as a guitar, why do you ask  
  
 **Wally:** idk it just feels like you’ve been weirdly quiet this whole trip  
  
 **Wally:** by dick grayson standards at least  
  
 **Wally:** and you keep looking at me all guilty like you just killed my cat for some reason? I’d go over there and ask you about it in person but there’s no privacy on this bus so yeah  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** I’m fine, just kinda tired. It’s been a long trip  
  
 **Wally:** okay  
  
 **Wally:** but if there was something wrong, you’d tell me right?  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** Yeah  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** Definitely  
  
 **Wally:** okay good  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** …   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Actually there is something I need to tell you  
  
 **Wally:** oh  
  
 **Wally:** okay what’s up?  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** Remember the other day when you got your letter from Stanford?  
  
 **Wally:** yeah?  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** Well this is going to sound bad but um  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** I kinda  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** …  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** I borrowed five bucks from your wallet that day without telling you because I didn’t have any cash on me at the time and I was super hungry so yeah, sorry about that I know I should have told you earlier  
  
 **Wally:** oh that’s it?  
  
 **Wally:** dude it’s fine, I borrow money from you all the time don’t worry about it  
  
 **Wally:** I was worried it was something serious lmao  
  
 **Ric Grayson:** Nope that was it  
  
 **Wally:** good to hear  
  
 **Wally:** okay now I’m bored so how about we bother conner until he pulls over and lets us get churros  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Kaldur > Jaime** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****13:56 EST**

**Kaldur:** How is the GSA meeting going? I hope you all haven’t burned the place down yet.   
  
**Jaime:** Uhhh it’s going good I think.   
  
**Kaldur:** You think?   
  
**Jaime:** Gar didn’t know what to do so he’s just standing at the front of the room showing us cat pictures and having us rank their cuteness on a scale of 1 to 14.   
  
**Jaime:** On the bright side, everyone’s loving it. A debate broke out when the lesson drifted into hairless cats being acceptable on the cutie list or not, but we found some duct tape so Ed and Cassie have been forever silenced.   
  
**Kaldur:** Um.   
  
**Jaime:** Oh and Tornado looks ready to die but he kinda looks like that at every meeting so I don’t think it’s much to worry about except he’s been stabbing his eraser with a safety pin for the past ten minutes and I’m pretty sure he just poured tequila into a bottle of ranch dressing, swished it around for a minute, and downed the entire thing.   
  
**Jaime:** But it’s fine.   
  
**Kaldur:** I have made a terrible mistake. Oh my god.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: The Wonder Pets** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****16:12 EST**

**Tula:** Hey Kaldur!! How’s your trip going?  
  
 **Kaldur:** It is fine. We took some pictures with the giant spork and are driving through Alabama now. Also Zatanna broke the radio so Raquel and Megan are serenading us with some...interesting Christmas carols.  
  
 **Garth:** oooh do you miss us?? I'll bet you miss us  
  
 **Kaldur:** Not really.  
  
 **Garth:** LIES!  
  
 **Garth:** don't worry kal I won't tell anyone about the deep intense love you feel for me  
  
 **Tula:** I'm right here?  
  
 **Garth:** sorry to break it to you this way tula but I'm leaving you for my long distance boyfriend kaldur, you understand of course  
  
 **Tula:** Oh of course, I hope you two are very happy together  
  
 **Kaldur:** Sigh.  
  
 **Kaldur:** How is everything going at Happy Harbor?  
  
 **Garth:** not much really  
  
 **Garth:** there was a zombie apocalypse and tula and I are the only survivors which is kind of a bummer. if only our student body present had been here to save us :/  
  
 **Tula:** Yeah it was a horrible tragedy  
  
 **Tula:** Many lives were lost  
  
 **Garth:** the government had to lock down the entire state to prevent the disease from spreading  
  
 **Tula:** The school is in shambles and every grocery store has been looted until nothing was left but the toilet paper  
  
 **Garth:** it won’t be easy repopulating the earth, but I think we can do it  
  
 **Kaldur:** Very funny.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Megan > Gar** **  
****  
****Friday, March 27** **  
****19:35 EST**

**Megan:** Hope you’re having fun at the dance!!! Make sure to take pictures  
  
 **Gar:** tbh not much is happening except Tim and Bart had a nacho cheese chugging contest and Traci apparently knows the whole dance from the Hannah Montana movie which we’re all super jealous about  
  
 **Gar:** oh also Brion and Cissie bonded over sports which was weird because none of us knew what they were talking about  
  
 **Gar:** anyway how’s the trip?  
  
 **Megan:** It’s great!! We’re spending the night at an abandoned laundromat we found off the highway that definitely has ghosts living in it so we made a pact that if a ghost tries to eat us we’ll offer up Dick as a sacrifice because he’s the shortest  
  
 **Gar:** good plan  
  
 **Gar:** oh hey did you get me a souvenir like I asked??  
  
 **Megan:** Yep!! I got you some mini giant sporks from the gift shop :)  
  
 **Gar:** so...regular sporks then  
  
 **Megan:** Pretty much yeah  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Eduardo Dorito  
  
Saturday, March 28  
01:47 EST  
  
  
Bart:** hey are you still up?  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Yeah  
  
 **Bart:** I just wanted to say that like,,  
  
 **Bart:** I had a ton of fun tonight so  
  
 **Bart:** yeah  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** I did too. You're a pretty good dancer, hermoso  
  
 **Bart:** lmao thanks it's the allen genes, we're all dorky dancers but make up for it with enthusiasm  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** I could see that  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Don't worry though, I thought it was cute  
  
 **Bart:** hhhHHHhhh  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Wally  
  
** **Saturday, March 28  
01:49 EST**  
  
  
 **Bart:** [screenshot sent]  
  
 **Bart:** HGHJHDJFJSDF HE SAID I'M CUTE HE SAID I'M CUTE WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW  
  
 **Wally:** I just showed this to dick and he said you should tell ed he's cute too so I'd follow that advice because I'm drunk on cotton candy soda so I'm not a reliable source of romantic wisdom anyway  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Bart > Eduardo Dorito  
  
Saturday, March 28  
01:53 EST  
  
  
** **Bart:** I think you're uh  
  
 **Bart:** you're pretty cute yourself  
  
 **Bart:** and stuff  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** fffhfgffhfh tHANks  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Um so do you like,  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Do you want to hang out again this weekend? We can go to the skate park or something, I can teach you how to do a kickflip if you want  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** No pressure tho  
  
 **Bart:** sure that would be awesome  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Okay crash, I'll see you then  
  
 **Bart:** crash  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Crash  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Super Secret Group Chat That Bart Allen Isn’t Allowed To Be In Or Know About So It’s Only These Nine People And No One Else Are You All Happy Now  
  
** **Saturday, March 28  
01:58 EST**  
  
  
 **Ed:** JHDIFABSKJNFKJBHAALJSDFHJKFDASFHAFD  
  
 **Ed:** OHMYGODOHMYGOD I'M FUCKJNG SCREAMING INTO MY PILLOW HE SAID I'M CUTE!!!!! AND WE'RE GONNA HANG OUT TOMORROW!!!!!! HAFFKJDLSSHDGFKJI WANT TO HOLD HIS HAND AND KISS HIS FACE HE'S SO CUTE I'M HAVING A GODDAMN STROKE  
  
 **Virgil:** Ahh young love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo I have finals until May 6th which means if I'm responsible I won't update again until after that because studying is important and all, but if I'm an irresponsible demon who doesn't care about her academic career I'll post the next chapter before that. Pray for me y'all


	25. ANGST ANGST BABY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bart and Ed are gay disasters, Roy has no life, and this author is so sorry.

**Bruce > Dick** **  
****  
****Saturday, March 28** **  
****11:19 EST**

**Bruce:** How do I make a banana.  
  
 **Dick:** You…….peel it?  
  
 **Bruce:** But how do I do that.  
  
 **Dick:** Have you seriously never done anything for yourself before?? You’re like 40 years old with four kids how can you not peel a banana  
  
 **Bruce:** ALFRED IS AT THE FARMER’S MARKET OKAY I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Saturday, March 28** **  
****16:17 EST**

**Garfield:** sometimes all I want in life is to just be bonked gently on the head with a cardboard wrapping paper tube, you know?  
  
 **Cassie:** I can hear that sentence and I don’t know how to feel about it  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
****  
****Sunday, March 29** **  
****07:23 EST**

**Bagél:** hey I’m watching a scary movie who wants to come hold my hand  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** _I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE_  
  
 **Crouton:** _I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!!_  
  
 **Crouton:** Shut the fuck UP dickface you haven’t earned the right  
  
 **Wonder Bread:** Excuse you Miss Crock but I’ve known him longer and therefore have jurisdiction here so back off  
  
 **Bagél:** I feel so loved right now this must be how beyoncé feels all the time  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
****  
****Sunday, March 29** **  
****15:40 EST**

**Bartemis:** hhhhhhhnnnnnnngggggggg I have a problem  
  
 **Conner:** whats wrong  
  
 **Bartemis:** ed is really really REALLY cute  
  
 **Conner:** i dont see how thats a problem but okay  
  
 **Bartemis:** IT’S A PROBLEM BECAUSE I LIKE HIM A LOT BUT I DON’T KNOW IF HE LIKES ME BACK OR WANTS TO BE BOYFRIENDS OR WHAT  
  
 **Casserole:** Didn’t he ask you to be his date to the dance like three days ago???  
  
 **Bartemis:** he could have meant it as friends I’m not a mind reader  
  
 **Casserole:** And didn’t you two go on a date to the skate park yesterday?  
  
 **Bartemis:** yeah but he never made a move that entire time!!!  
  
 **Bartemis:** or.. well  
  
 **Bartemis:** there was that time when I got us ice cream and we held hands and a little while after that we were talking and then suddenly our faces were super close together and we both kinda leaned in and I think it was almost a kiss?? perhaps?? but then it got kinda awkward so he moved away and we pretended like it never happened but I think it did kinda so now I'm all discombobulated  
  
 **Timber:** Bart I’m sôrry but there’s literally no wāy that boy doesn’t want to date you, i’ve seen Ed wầtch bill nye the sciềnce guy and not look as happy as hë does when he’s wîth you. It’s like when cønner sees a fried tùrkey leg  
  
 **Bartemis:** then why hasn’t he said anything yet????  
  
 **Conner:** maybe hes waiting for you to be the one to take things further  
  
 **Bartemis:** how do I do that  
  
 **Conner:** ask him to be your boyfriend?  
  
 **Bartemis:** but what if he says no??  
  
 **Casserole:** I sincerely doubt he’ll say no  
  
 **Bartemis:** okay then what if he says YES??  
  
 **Timber:** thển…...yoú wiñ?  
  
 **Bartemis:** I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ASK A PERSON OUT THOUGH, I’M JUST A KID I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE  
  
 **Conner:** just tell him you like him and ask if he wants to be your boyfriend its not that hard  
  
 **Bartemis:** easy for you to say, you’re already in a relationship you have no emotional stakes in this  
  
 **Conner:** yes i do, real housewives of dallas is on hiatus so this relationship drama is all i have now  
  
 **Conner:** now go ask him out before i have artemis do it for you  
  
 **Bartemis:** jeez okay you don't have to threaten me  
  
 **Casserole:** You got this Bart!!! We believe in you <3  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Eduardo Dorito** **  
****  
****Sunday, March 29** **  
****16:32 EST**

**Bart:** HI ED SO GUESS WHAT I REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU AND I THINK YOU’RE SUPER ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY AND YOUR HAIR IS COOL AND YOUR FACE IS PRETTY AND I THINK ABOUT KISSING YOU A LOT SO UHHHH DO YOU WANNA BE MY BOYFRIEND?? MAYBE?? PLEASE SAY YES OR ELSE I'LL DIE  
  
 **Bart:** wOW I think I got lightheaded for a minute there  
  
 **Bart:** my vision's going all spotty now I knew I shouldn't have downed five redbulls before doing this  
  
 **Bart:** ANYWAY DO YOU WANNA DATE ME  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Um  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Yes please  
  
 **Bart:** GREAT  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** GREAT **  
****  
****Bart:** GREAT  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** So…...what now?  
  
 **Bart:** I dunno I didn’t think I would get this far  
  
 **Bart:** ...want to come to my house and play a video game?  
  
 **Eduardo Dorito:** Sure **  
****  
  
**

* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
****  
****Sunday, March 29** **  
****17:25 EST**

**Bartemis:** HEKISSEDMEHEKISSEDMEHEKISSEDMEOHMYGODOHMY _GOD_  
  
 **Casserole:** N I C E  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
****  
****Monday, March 30** **  
****05:01 EST**

**Zatanna:** heyo everyone my name is *trucks honking*  
  
 **Zatanna:** but everyone calls me _Daddy_  
  
 **Dick:** Please unlearn how to speak  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Monday, March 30** **  
****12:09 EST**

**Roy:** Why is no one answering my Skype calls?? I thought I was a pretty cool guy. Thought I was fleek. Thought you all respected my elder wisdom enough to pick up a phone and chat with me about sea turtles but I Guess Not.  
  
 **Raquel:** Sorry bud, we’re all in school  
  
 **Roy:** That’s still going on??  
  
 **Raquel:** Yeah? Did you seriously forget that school existed  
  
 **Roy:** Let’s be real I barely know what day it is anymore. Time is meaningless when you don’t have anywhere to go.  
  
 **Roy:** All I do these days is sit around at home and go to therapy once a week. Occasionally I’ll go on a date with Kaldur or invite him over for a movie night and…uhh...bible study.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Subtle.  
  
 **Roy:** Thanks.  
  
 **Roy:** Yesterday I used a loaf of bread to push the buttons on the TV because I lost the remote. I made a hat out of some pipe cleaners earlier. I don’t even wear pants most days.  
  
 **Artemis:** It’s true, he’s like a sad homeless man  
  
 **Kaldur:** Have you ever considered getting a hobby?  
  
 **Roy:** What are you talking about I have tons of hobbies.  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah, eating and sleeping  
  
 **Roy:** Come on I do WAY more than that.  
  
 **Artemis:** Yeah? Like what?  
  
 **Roy:** Like  
  
 **Roy:** Uh  
  
 **Roy:** I collect stamps sometimes! And I’ve gotten really good at one-man ping pong.  
  
 **Raquel:** Now that’s just sad  
  
 **Artemis:** Sorry Roy but if you don’t find something to get you out of the house soon I think the couch will devour you whole and I won't even mourn you  
  
 **Kaldur:** How about fishing? My father and I go down to the bay sometimes and catch fish, you can come with us.  
  
 **Roy:** I think your dad is still mad at me for last July when I told him I didn’t agree with boiling lobsters alive.  
  
 **Kaldur:** Yes, he is not the most compassionate man. But in time he will grow to love you as I do.  
  
 **Zatanna:** u should get into alien cosplay and then go to people’s houses and stand menacingly on their lawns so everyone thinks aliens have invaded the earth and u can be famous  
  
 **Dick:** Why not take it one step further and become a NASA scientist so you can hail aliens from their spacecrafts when they drift too close to Earth and have them abduct you so you can get probed  
  
 **Roy:** Nah that sounds like a lot of work, I don't have the attention span to be a scientist.  
  
 **Raquel:** Adopt a mouse and make him tiny souffles?  
  
 **Roy:**....I’ll give that one a solid maybe.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Tuesday, March 31** **  
****05:32 EST**

**Megan:** HAPPY TRANS VISIBILITY DAY EVERYONE!!!!!  
  
 **Wally:** all cis folks are hereby CANCELED until further notice, it’s just you and me now megatron we’re the new overlords of earth  
  
 **Megan:** Ugh can you even imagine?? Being cisgender??  
  
 **Wally:** oh yuck identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth??? no thank you  
  
 **Wally:** on this holiest of days only you, me, violet, danny street, and nia nal from my geology class are valid and that’s it  
  
 **Megan:** It’s a shame though, since we’re visible that means we can’t commit any TRANSgressions today ;)  
  
 **Wally:** TRANS PUNS I LOVE IT  
  
 **Wally:** maybe we can do some business TRANSactions  
  
 **Megan:** And go on a TRANScontinental train ride?  
  
 **Wally:** with TRANSparent windows!  
  
 **Megan:** It’s a good thing you call me Megatron because now I can be a TRANSformer :D  
  
 **Wally:** holy gobstoppers I never even thought of that. you’re too powerful now  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Arty** **  
****  
****Tuesday, March 31** **  
****09:54 EST**

**Zatanna:** let’s play two truths and a lie :)  
  
 **Zatanna:** my favorite candy is frozen lima beans, i have gray eyes, and i forgot to do my homework last night so i snuck out the window but forgot my classroom was on the second floor so now i’m hanging from the windowsill with one hand and need someone to catch me that way i don’t break my legs  
  
 **Arty:** You’re flipping my flapjacks right now  
  
 **Zatanna:** :)  
  
 **Arty:** Please say you have gray eyes please please please say you have gray eyes,,  
  
 **Zatanna:** these peepers are blue come save me  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Stanford University Admissions Office > Wally West** **  
****  
****Tuesday, March 31** **  
****18:09 EST** **  
****  
****  
****[Incoming call from Stanford University Admissions Office]** **  
****  
****[Call ended: 09:47]**  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
****  
****Tuesday, March 31** **  
****18:31 EST**

**Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Artemis:** Um  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Artemis:** Is this what the Kaldur Durham version of a mental breakdown looks like because it’s terrifying  
  
 **Roy:** Kal. Babe. Why are you sending us Donkey Kong memes?  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** Do you not like them?  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Artemis:** No we don’t  
  
 **Roy:** Don’t be mean!! We love them but are highkey concerned that this is a cry for help.  
  
 **Kaldur:** It is fine, I am simply trying to be a cool person. A professional memer, if you will.  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** Is it working?  
  
 **Artemis:** No. Please stop  
  
 **Kaldur:** Okay I will stop.  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Artemis:** What did I just say??  
  
 **Kaldur:** I lied.  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Kaldur:** Okay I promise I am done now. I actually have a very cute cat picture to show you all. :)  
  
 **Artemis:** Is that really what you have or are you just going to send us more Donkey Kong  
  
 **Kaldur:** It’s a cat picture.  
  
 **Artemis:** Really  
  
 **Kaldur:** Yes.  
  
 **Artemis:** So you’re absolutely SURE you have a cat picture and not a Donkey Kong meme?  
  
 **Kaldur:** I have a cat picture. I do not have a Donkey Kong meme.  
  
 **Artemis:** Great then show us  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Artemis:** >:|  
  
 **Roy:** What the H-E-double-FUCK Kaldur.  
  
 **Kaldur:** I can already tell I have a promising future in memery. :)  
  
 **Artemis:** You do NOT  
  
 **Kaldur:** That is very homophobic of you Artemis. I am reporting you to the authorities. You will be sentenced to the electric chair in no time. Get your affairs in order.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Wallman** **  
****  
****Tuesday, March 31** **  
****19:52 EST**

**Dick:** Dude what happened today? You totally blew me off, I thought we were gonna hang out at the arcade  
  
 **Wallman:** my bad. slipped my mind  
  
 **Dick:** It’s cool, want to play Call of Duty? I’m procrastinating on homework lmao  
  
 **Wallman:** no  
  
 **Dick:** Oh  
  
 **Dick:** Okay that’s fine, it’s probably best I do my homework anyway. Alfred will kill me if I slack off on my classes  
  
 **Wallman:** actually I wanted to talk to you about something  
  
 **Dick:** Okay...  
  
 **Dick:** It’s not something bad right? Because you’re giving off some creepy serious vibes right now ngl  
  
 **Wallman:** I got a call today from stanford’s admissions office  
  
 **Dick:** Oh you did? Huh that’s weird, what did they say?  
  
 **Wallman:** not much, they just apologized for my acceptance letter being sent out so late and a bunch of other “we’re looking forward to having you in the fall” garbage. but then they said something really interesting  
  
 **Wallman:** they told me to thank bruce wayne again for them for his generous donation to their new science building  
  
 **Dick:** Wow that’s so funny I can’t believe Bruce did that, what a weird coincidence  
  
 **Wallman:** was it?  
  
 **Dick:** …….........okay I know this sounds really bad but I promise I had good reasons for it  
  
 **Wallman:** you son of a bitch  
  
 **Dick:** Come on Wally it’s not a big deal,  
  
 **Wallman:** don’t you FUCKING tell me it’s not a big deal. you had your DAD bribe my college into accepting me?? who the fuck DOES that  
  
 **Dick:** It wasn’t to hurt you, I just thought it was worth a shot having Bruce...you know, boost you up a little in the admissions people’s eyes  
  
 **Dick:** And it was his idea to make the donation anyway, I just wanted him to talk nice about you so they'd have no choice but to accept you, but you know how billionaires are amiright  
  
 **Wallman:** do you really have so little faith in me? you just HAD to take pity on poor idiotic wally west so my dream school wouldn’t kick my ass to the curb?  
  
 **Dick:** I have tons of faith in you! I just wanted to make sure you got everything you wanted without any setbacks  
  
 **Wallman:** I never asked you to do that! I NEVER wanted your charity  
  
 **Dick:** It’s not charity, it’s a guy helping out his best friend!  
  
 **Dick:** And I know it was a fucked up thing to do, but anyone could see you were freaking out over getting accepted to that school. Is it so bad that I wanted to help you out and alleviate that anxiety just a little bit?  
  
 **Wallman:** has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don’t NEED any help?  
  
 **Wallman:** I’m an adult now dick, I don’t need you holding my fucking hand  
  
 **Dick:** I know you don’t  
  
 **Wallman:** then how could you do this to me?? you know me better than anyone. you knew this has been something I’ve wanted for YEARS, but you thought it would be a good idea to stick your rich nose in it  
  
 **Dick:** Yeah I knew you wanted this, that’s exactly why I did it in the first place! All I wanted was to give you a little edge, I had no idea the admissions office would call you up and tell you about the donation  
  
 **Wallman:** oh yeah my bad, I should be thankful you had the decency to lie to my face and pretend your little mission never happened. so considerate of you  
  
 **Dick:** I was going to tell you eventually, I just thought it would be easier to take in if I did it a little later in the year  
  
 **Wallman:** it doesn’t matter when you were planning to tell me because you never should have done it in the first place! this was NONE of your business  
  
 **Dick:** Look I'm sorry okay? I wanted to ask you about it before I had Bruce call, but I knew that if I did you never would have let me do it  
  
 **Wallman:** you’re fucking right I wouldn’t have! this was supposed to be MY THING. this was my goal, my future, MY fucking life  
  
 **Wallman:** and you took that from me  
  
 **Dick:** Well what was I supposed to do, just stand back and do nothing while your life fell apart in case you didn’t get accepted?? It's not my fault you were so psyched out by your own fear of failure that you didn't apply anywhere else, you were practically ASKING to get rejected  
  
 **Dick:** Wait I mean  
  
 **Wallman:** fuck you  
  
 **Dick:** Okay that was a low blow, I shouldn't have said that  
  
 **Wallman:** kind of late for that dickhead  
  
 **Dick:** Wally come on  
  
 **Wallman:** I fucking TRUSTED you  
  
 **Wallman:** for the past six years the one thing I always knew for sure was that dick grayson would have my back no matter what, that he would never lie to me and he sure as HELL wouldn't go behind my back like this  
  
 **Wallman:** you were the first person outside of my family that I told about my dad, about me being trans, I’ve told you things I wouldn’t tell anyone else because THAT’S your job as my best friend

**Wallman:** and then you go and pull something like this?

**Dick:** You weren’t supposed to find out this way

**Wallman:** yeah well I did find out, and I’m fucking glad I did **  
** **  
** **Wallman:** you know what? fuck this  
  
 **Wallman:** don’t ever talk to me again. don’t look at me, don’t text me, don’t fucking breathe in my direction  
  
 **Wallman:** I’m done  
  
 **Dick:** Wally please we can talk about this  
 **  
[Message not sent.]  
  
** **Dick:** Come on Walls I'm sorry  
  
 **[Message not sent.]  
  
** **Dick:** Wally?  
  
 **[Message not sent.]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Danny the Street is genderqueer in comics and Nia Nal is actually Dreamer who was one of the Forever People in season one but in the Supergirl show she's a trans woman and we STAN.)
> 
> Anyways, how about that last scene huh? :')


	26. Picklefuck With A Side Of Beef Juice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is left reeling after they hear about the breakup, the hooligans (somewhat) enjoy April Fool's Day, and there's a dick store.

**Group Chat: Get A Room** **  
****  
****Tuesday, March 31** **  
****23:15 EST**

**Happy has removed Dick Grayson from the conversation.** **  
****  
****Happy has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Happy:** Okay friends, who’s awake right now sound off   
  
**Grumpy:** I’m up.   
  
**Sleepy:** I’m up! Ironically   
  
**Doc:** omg it’s been so long since we’ve used this chat i feel like i’m walking into my childhood bedroom after years away   
  
**Artemis:** What the fuck is this place   
  
**Bashful:** Why is Artemis here? No offense Artemis, you are a wonderful person but I was under the impression that the point of this chat was so that you and Wally were not a part of it.   
  
**Artemis:** Thanks Kaldur   
  
**Happy:** Because I’m repurposing this place in the name of friendship   
  
**Sleepy:** I’m already on board then, I’m a slut for friendship   
  
**Dopey:** im awake too whats up   
  
**Happy:** Good. We need to talk about Dick and Wally   
  
**Artemis:** Ohhh okay I get it you’re doing a seven dwarves thing   
  
**Sleepy:** Dick was Sneezy so I guess you’ll have to take his name that way we’ve got the full set   
  
**Artemis:** But I don’t wanna be Sneezy he’s a lil bitch   
  
**Happy:** He’s the only dwarf left   
  
**Artemis:** Oh bet?   
  
**Artemis Crock has set their nickname to** **_Stabby._ ** **  
****  
****Stabby:** Much better. Okay now give me the laydown, who’s who in here   
  
**Happy:** Megan! (✿ヘᴗヘ)   
  
**Sleepy:** Raquel   
  
**Doc:** ya girl zatanna :p   
  
**Dopey:** conner   
  
**Grumpy:** Your mom.   
  
**Bashful:** Kaldur.   
  
**Stabby:** Gotcha   
  
**Stabby:** So what’s the dealio Megan?   
  
**Happy:** I think something happened between Dick and Wally tonight   
  
**Doc:** did they finally get married in vegas??? bc dick promised he’d let me be a bridesmaid so this is a gigantic betrayal   
  
**Happy:** No, I think they had a fight. Like the super bad terrible awful friendship-ending kind   
  
**Grumpy:** Uh have you met either of them? There’s no way those two could ever stop being friends. One time Dick gave himself mono just because Wally had it and he wanted to match.   
  
**Bashful:** Megan, are you sure?   
  
**Happy:** Earlier tonight Dick showed up my house looking like a total wreck, and as soon as he saw me he just burst into tears. I brought him inside and we sat in my room and then he cried into my shoulder for like an hour. It was _bad,_ guys   
  
**Sleepy:** Did he say exactly what happened?   
  
**Happy:** I tried getting him to talk a few times but he wouldn’t say much, all I got was that something went down between him and Wally and it wasn’t good   
  
**Doc:** well damn. that’s hardcore   
  
**Bashful:** Has anyone spoken to Wally tonight? If Dick is this distraught, I can’t imagine how Wally must be faring now.   
  
**Grumpy:** He mentioned that he had some studying to do but that was about it, I haven’t talked to him since noon.   
  
**Dopey:** someone should call him to make sure hes okay   
  
**Doc:** good idea!   
  
**Doc:** arty u should do it, he’s less likely to ignore u   
  
**Stabby:** Why because I’m his girlfriend?   
  
**Dopey:** because ur too scary to ghost   
  
**Stabby:** That’s such a great compliment   
  
**Stabby:** Okay imma call him now stay tuned   
  
**Sleepy:** I’m betting that the two of them went looking for buried treasure and turned on each other who’s with me   
  
**Bashful:** I think Wally stole Dick’s toothbrush and dropped it in the toilet.   
  
**Grumpy:** No way, Dick was definitely involved in some kind of government conspiracy and had to kill Wally with a screwdriver to keep him from talking.   
  
**Stabby:** Welp it looks like Wally's not taking calls tonight, I tried his cell like five times and no answer   
  
**Dopey:** yikes   
  
**Stabby:** This whole thing gives me a bad feeling tbh. It would take a LOT to make Dick and Wally mad at each other   
  
**Doc:** there goes our fun april fools day i guess   
  
**Happy:** I’ll try talking to Wally about it tomorrow, maybe he’ll open up about what happened   
  
**Grumpy:** And I’ll swing by Wayne Manor in case Dick’s up for talking. Hopefully whatever went down between them won’t last long, that would put a real damper on everyone’s senior year.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****06:17 EST**

**Steph:** whaddup folks! just got this new app that makes my brain waves work 90% faster  
  
 **Garfield:** oh so you’re super smort now?  
  
 **Steph:** no i’m still stupid but now it’s really really fast. someone ask me a question  
  
 **Jaime:** What’s the capital of Iceland?  
  
 **Steph:** hamburger  
  
 **Traci:** How many fingers am I holding up?  
  
 **Steph:** none, they’re in my mouth  
  
 **Tim:** Whãt’s my mïddle namể  
  
 **Steph:** snuffleupagus  
  
 **Jaime:** What’s 2 x 10?  
  
 **Steph:** chungus  
  
 **Ed:** Are aliens real?  
  
 **Steph:** yes but keanu reeves isn’t  
  
 **Garfield:** wow you really are fast  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Dickhead** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****06:49 EST**

**Artemis:** We all heard what happened, are you doing okay?   
  
**Artemis:** I know today’s already a bad day for you and all so like. I’m here if you need to talk   
  
**Artemis:** And before you freak out, no I haven’t told anyone about the anniversary. I found out on my own since you kinda pick this stuff up in Gotham, but I won’t tattle or anything   
  
**Artemis:** Just take care of yourself today, kay?   
**  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****06:56 EST**

**Conner:** should i bring my dog to school today   
  
**Zatanna:** YES YES U SHOULD   
  
**Conner:** ok   
  
  


* * *

**  
****  
****Artemis > Zee** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****07:23 EST**

**Artemis:** Did. Did I just see you cuddling with Conner’s dog under Tornado’s desk   
  
**Zee:** ur damn fucking right u did   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****09:17 EST**

**Jam:** Okay who did it.  
  
 **Burt:** did what?  
  
 **Burt:** oh  
  
 **Jam:** I’m not mad, I just want to know.  
  
 **Gargle:** lmao mine is gargle I love it  
  
 **Tractor:** This is weird 0_o   
  
**Eddie Spaghetti:** I couldn’t even spell spaghetti before now to be honest so this is a gift  
  
 **Indigo:** I take great offense to mine! >:^( This is just a different kind of purple. Very uncreative. Terrible decision. I will vomit.  
  
 **Step:** my h is gone :( wherefore art thou...i miss it  
  
 **Cat Food:** Tim get over here and fight me to the death  
  
 **Tim:** :)c  
  
 **Gargle:** should have known it would be him, the little bastard  
  
 **Tim:** It’s yoùr own fậults for thịnking you wểre safe ơn aprɨl foŏl’s daỹ  
  
 **Burt:** you’re a menace  
  
 **Tim:** ỉ’m a gỡd  
  
 **Eddie Spaghetti:** I say we string him up by his thumbs and throw eggs at him in the town square like angry victorian people  
  
 **Tim:** dön't be mad i Amn jŭst……… a litle crėacher. Thătse it . I canöt chanğe thìs  
  
 **Cat Food:** Change us back creacher  
  
 **Tim:** Sorry bùt i can’t fįnd my phőne oħ wēll  
  
 **Jam:** You’re on your phone right now ese.  
  
 **Tim:** nø this is á blöck of çheễse  
  
 **Step:** as the romantic gravy to your curly fries don’t i get to be excluded from the shenanigans?  
  
 **Tim:** Nổpe :)  
  
 **Tim:** evểryonê sựffers equălly :)  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****12:29 EST**

**Roy:** Guys….........I’m pregnant.   
  
**Zatanna:** :|   
  
**Conner:** sigh   
  
**Roy:** What?   
  
**Artemis:** That’s like. The lamest of April Fool pranks. I'm ashamed to even be associated with you right now   
  
**Zatanna:** yeah that's a hella bottom tier joke. i’m insulted. thought u were better than that roy   
  
**Roy:** Look with Dick and Wally out angsting it’s up to me to be the funny guy and goddammit that’s what I’m going to do.   
  
**Artemis:** Well you’re not doing a very job of it   
  
**Roy:** Oh yeah? You think you can do any better?   
  
**Artemis:** Sure   
  
**Artemis:** deez neetz   
  
**Artemis:** pronkleborger   
  
**Artemis:** picklefuck   
  
**Conner:** lmaoo   
  
**Zatanna:** jhfdghgfh   
  
**Kaldur:** Haha!   
  
**Roy:** ??   
  
**Roy:** But those are just random words!   
  
**Artemis:** Exactly   
  
**Artemis:** We’re not exactly a hard crowd to entertain   
  
**Artemis:** Here watch this   
  
**Artemis:** Beef juice   
  
**Zatanna:** asdfghjkl; o h my go d   
  
**Roy:** STOP LAUGHING THESE AREN’T EVEN REAL JOKES!!   
  
**Roy:** I can do so much better than that.   
  
**Artemis:** Prove it   
  
**Roy:** What’s black, white, and red all over?   
  
**Zatanna:** a newspaper   
  
**Roy:** A skunk who was bludgeoned by a mace! :D   
  
**Roy:** Get it?  
  
 **Conner:** thats just upsetting   
  
**Kaldur:** Darling, I say this with the utmost love and respect.   
  
**Kaldur:** You are terrible at this.   
  
**Roy:** Well SOMEONE has to make this April Fool’s Day fun and I don’t see anyone else stepping up to the plate.   
  
**Conner:** ive already accepted that today isnt gonna be fun with wally and dick fighting tbh   
  
**Kaldur:** Oh, then you are a quitter?   
  
**Conner:** im lazy and realistic so...yeah   
  
**Kaldur:** I see.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > The Coaster Guy** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****12:48 EST**

**Kaldur:** Lenny? I need another favor.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 1** **  
****14:41 EST**

**Barbie:** Anyone know why Dick’s been dodging my calls all day?   
  
**Barbie:** I mean I know he’s sad on this day every year so this shouldn’t be a huge surprise, but he never goes full radio silence on me   
  
**Purple Ninja:** word on the street is something happened between him and wally   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Höw did ƴou knoŵ that??   
  
**Purple Ninja:** don’t underestimate me, i’ve got connections™. i am a fountain of gossip   
  
**Jaybird:** oh yeah everyone’s talking about how dickface and wally broke up   
  
**Purple Ninja:** they.....weren’t dating tho   
  
**Jaybird:** they weren’t?   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Nō?   
  
**Jaybird:** huh. that’s as shocking as a crowbar to the face   
  
**Bruce:** Is anyone home with Dick now?   
  
**Jaybird:** nah I’m doing drugs behind a dumpster   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Yoū’re at thę librẫry idiột   
  
**YUMMMMM:** and yệah i’m hớme but Díck won’t talƙ to me   
  
**YUMMMMM:** It’s kind ǒf creepy actually, usuẫlly on the anniversary Dick jușt locks himself in hǐs room all day bữt he’s never seemẹd this dead inside yøu know? I don’t like it   
  
**Barbie:** Yeah this feels super weird, I can’t remember Dick and Wally fighting in the entire time I’ve known them. I didn't think it was even possible for them to fight   
  
**Purple Ninja:** whatever it was, it must have been really bad to bring him down this hard  
  
 **Jaybird:** they'll get over it eventually, I break up with my friends twice a week and we're still doing just fine  
  
 **Barbie:** You have friends?  
  
 **Jaybird:** YES I HAVE FRIENDS STOP BELITTLING ME WITCH  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** hey brucie do you have any plans for today? because i would be happy to hang at your house and eat your food and share quality time with your kids in these trying times  
  
 **Bruce:** No thank you Stephanie.  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** darn  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** well i'm already hanging from the rafters in your den so lemme know if you change your mind okay  
  
 **Bruce:** I don't regret having kids I don't regret having kids I don't regret having kids...   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Thursday, April 2** **  
****09:15 EST**

**Bart:** HELP I TRIED TO FLOSS WITH A YO-YO I FOUND IN THE GARBAGE AND NWO IT’S STUCK IN MY MOLARS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO   
  
**Garfield:** what.. the fuck   
  
**Ed:** I can’t believe I’m dating this   
  
**Bart:** no takebacks! I ate the receipt so now you're stuck with me :)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Friday, April 3** **  
****16:03 EST**

**Artemis:** GUESS WHICH AWESOME BITCH JUST GOT A JOB  
  
 **Artemis:** _THIS AWESOME BITCH!!!_   
  
**Raquel:** NOICE   
  
**Kaldur:** That is wonderful news, Artemis!   
  
**Artemis:** Ew no say it like a teenager, you sound like my grandma   
  
**Kaldur:** My bad.   
  
**Kaldur:** FUCK YEAH MAH HOMIE!!! Yeet.   
  
**Artemis:** Much better   
  
**Artemis:** I’m so glad I can finally stop stealing cash out of Roy’s wallet whenever he’s not looking to fund my chapstick and hand sanitizer collection   
  
**Roy:** You what.   
  
**Megan:** Where are you working at? I hope it’s somewhere cool so we can visit you and get free stuff   
  
**Artemis:** Well my dear Megan, I am working at the happiest place on earth…….   
  
**Artemis:** DICK’S SPORTING GOODS   
  
**Artemis:** Mostly just because it has dick in the name. That’s literally the only reason I applied to that hellhole   
  
**Zatanna:** EVEN BETTER!!   
  
**Megan:** What a f*cking icon!!! ＼( ^∀^ )／   
  
**Wally:** good job artemis I’m proud of you   
  
**Artemis:** Well gee you couldn’t spare an exclamation point? I thought you were pissed at Dick, not me   
  
**Wally:** *!   
  
**Artemis:** :/   
  
**Zatanna:** this would be so much more fun if dick and wally weren’t fighting   
  
**Zatanna:** i want to make dick jokes but my heart’s not in it anymore   
  
**Conner:** @dick get over here and talk about artemis’s job with us   
  
**Dick:** Congratulations Artemis   
  
**Artemis:** Thanks   
  
**Roy:** …   
  
**Roy:** Well this is awkward.   
  
**Zatanna:** u guys are seriously bringing down my hype   
  
**Wally:** sorry but I’m not the one who started this   
  
**Dick:** I’ve already told you a million times that I'm sorry, what more do you want from me?   
  
**Wally:** oh gosh what’s that I hear? the wind? how strange   
  
**Dick:** You can’t ignore me forever   
  
**Wally:** watch me   
  
**Wally West is now offline.** **  
****  
****Kaldur:** Ouch.   
  
**Megan:** Don’t worry Dick, he’ll come around eventually   
  
**Dick:** I don’t think he will   
  
**Dick:** What I did was _really_ shitty. I wouldn’t want to forgive me either   
  
**Artemis:** …...Well this conversation just got super depressing   
  
**Dick:** Sorry   
  
**Artemis:** Don’t worry about it I’m on your side   
  
**Artemis:** Well,, both of your sides really   
  
**Roy:** Yeah Artemis and I are Switzerland atm because we still don't entirely know what you're fighting over anyway.   
  
**Zatanna:** i’m on wally’s side but only bc i owe him money, nothing personal   
  
**Dick:** I appreciate that   
  
**Artemis:** Anyway on a lighter note, Roy I have a present for you!!   
  
**Roy:** A talking donkey?   
  
**Artemis:** I got you a position at the dick store too!   
  
**Roy:** ...Excuse me.   
  
**Artemis:** Now you finally have something to get you out of the house! You’re welcome  
  
 **Roy:** Why would you do this to me.   
  
**Artemis:** Get ready for the sweet smell of corporate regulations, minimum wage, and scanning roller skates side by side with your favorite fake sister!!   
  
**Roy:** I hope rodents eat your eyeballs.   
  
**Artemis:** We start Monday :)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 4** **  
****13:06 EST**

**Traci:** Hey uhh why did I just see on Twitter that there might be another secret Wayne kid??   
  
**Jaime:** Wait seriously?   
  
**Traci:** Yeah I keep seeing rumors about how that mean substitute Miss al Ghul had a baby or something with him   
  
**Ed:** That’s wild, Tim is this true?   
  
**Tim:** No   
  
**Traci:** Are you sure? The rumors seem pretty solid   
  
**Tim:** Nô   
  
**Bart:** that would be so cool though!! like a tiny bruce wayne who’s all dark and stoic and stuff but with a baby face   
  
**Tim:** Nopé, nada, never gớnna happền   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Dick** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 4** **  
****22:45 EST**

**Megan:** Ding dong it’s therapy time! :D  
  
 **Dick:** No thanks  
  
 **Megan:** Sorry pal you don’t have a choice! Time to talk about our problems in a healthy and safe environment :D  
  
 **Dick:** I’d really rather not  
  
 **Megan:** Why not? I’m a great listener, just ask Conner whenever he tells me about his fantasy football leagues and I nod along and pretend to understand what he’s talking about  
  
 **Dick:** You’re just going to make me talk about what happened, and once you know the full story you’re gonna agree that what I did was messed up and that Wally is right to hate me and then we won’t reach any real conclusion from there so why don’t we just quit while we’re ahead, yeah?  
  
 **Megan:** You don’t know that I’ll agree with Wally  
  
 **Megan:** I’m a free spirit  
  
 **Megan:** A woodland nymph  
  
 **Megan:** An independent mermaid who is capable of making her own decisions  
  
 **Megan:** So...are you going to talk? Or should I keep making weird metaphors until you get frustrated and give in  
  
 **Dick:** I broke his trust  
  
 **Megan:** Go on  
  
 **Dick:** I...kind of had Bruce bribe Stanford so they’d accept Wally in the fall. Without telling him  
  
 **Megan:** Wow  
  
 **Dick:** Yup  
  
 **Dick:** And he found out when the admissions office called him, instead of me coming clean like I should have  
  
 **Dick:** So now he hates me and I can’t find it in myself to blame him  
  
 **Megan:** Sounds to me like you just made a mistake  
  
 **Dick:** A pretty fucking huge one  
  
 **Megan:** But that doesn’t mean you can’t take it back. You’re sorry about what you did, right?  
  
 **Dick:** Honestly?  
  
 **Dick:** Not really  
  
 **Megan:** Oh  
  
 **Dick:** I know I should be, and I _am,_ but only that I didn’t tell him  
  
 **Dick:** No matter how angry Wally gets, I don’t regret what I did by a longshot  
  
 **Dick:** And that’s why I don’t begrudge him for hating me  
  
 **Megan:** He doesn’t hate you  
  
 **Dick:** Yes he does. He should  
  
 **Megan:** You can still make things right, this doesn't have to ruin your last school year together  
  
 **Dick:** I appreciate your faith in me Megs, but I’m kinda tired of thinking about this so if it’s all the same to you I’m gonna head to bed now  
  
 **Dick:** Thanks for trying to help. You're a good friend  
  
 **Dick Grayson is offline.**  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Wally** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 4** **  
****22:59 EST**

**Megan:** I just spoke with Dick and he told me what happened   
  
**Wally:** great so you get why I’m pissed right?   
  
**Megan:** I do   
  
**Megan:** But I also don’t blame him for doing it   
  
**Wally:** are you joking? he told you what he did, how he made me look like a total idiot   
  
**Megan:** He was just trying to look out for you   
  
**Wally:** by going behind my back   
  
**Megan:** Because he knew you would react badly when he told you!   
  
**Wally:** well shit I wonder why   
  
**Megan:** You’re entitled to your anger Wally, but please try thinking about it from his perspective   
  
**Megan:** He knew that if by some crazy chance you didn’t get into Stanford, you would be completely destroyed by it. And he knew that there was something he could do to make sure that never happened   
  
**Megan:** I can’t exactly blame him for doing it, heck I might have done the same thing if I were in his position   
  
**Wally:** great, so I’m the bad guy now   
  
**Megan:** No. You’re someone who’s been hurt and betrayed, and believe me I get that   
  
**Megan:** All I’m saying is that Dick is your best friend in the whole world, and this is your senior year. Do you really want to spend it holding on to anger?   
  
**Wally:** maybe I do   
  
**Megan:** Then I feel sorry for you, because you’re going to end up with a lot of regrets if you let this ruin your friendship for good  
  
 **Wally:**...   
  
**Megan:** Just think about it, okay?   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 5** **  
****02:36 EST**

**Conner:** who the FUCK just threw a box of peppa pig coasters through my window 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life Update: This gal finally finished her first year of college!!!! It sure was a weird one, but I DID IT. Granted, I didn't read any of the books I was assigned despite being an English major and I mostly just wrote a bunch of weird essays to see what I could get away with, bUT STILL IT COUNTS.
> 
> Btw to all the seniors out there, I'm really sorry about COVID ruining this school year for you. I heard recently that all the New York schools are online until fall and I feel SO bad, hope you seniors are all doing okay. Stay strong guys I love you!! ❤❤❤
> 
> Also uhhh what's this news I'm hearing about a Hunger Games prequel AND a new Twilight book???? What year am I living in rn?????? I grew out of my Twilight phase before the end of middle school but dammit I'm gonna have to buy that trash book and read it with my own two eyes because I owe it to my younger self.


	27. Wherefore Art Thou Positive Vibes??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime melted some cream cheese, dicks are drawn, and Roy and Artemis become couple's therapists.

**Dick > Wallman** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****03:12 EST**

**Dick:** You can’t keep ignoring me like this   
  
**[Message not sent.]** **  
****  
****Dick:** I was just trying to help   
  
**[Message not sent.]**   
  
**Dick:** Wally   
  
**[Message not sent.]** **  
****  
****Dick:** WALLY   
  
**[Message not sent.]** **  
****  
****Dick:** You know what? I think it’s really fucking hypocritical for you to still be angry at me for this when I know for a FACT that if you were in my place at the time you would have done the same damn thing   
  
**[Message not sent.]** **  
****  
****Dick:** This isn’t fair   
  
**[Message not sent.]** **  
****  
****Dick:** Please talk to me   
  
**[Message not sent.]** **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****12:05 EST**

**Garfield:** I present to thee all a challenge!: tell your s/o “I want a baby” and see what they say  
  
 **Jaime:** Wait a minute I’m single what do I do?  
  
 **Garfield:** perish? idk  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Ed > Bart** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****12:14 EST**

**Ed:** I want a baby   
  
**Bart:** really?   
  
**Ed:** Yeah   
  
**Bart:** okay well I’ve got twin siblings so I doubt anyone will notice if we take one   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****12:26 EST**

**Artemis:** I want a baby   
  
**Baywatch:** I mean,.. I don’t think that’s really possible but sure we can try   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Megan** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****12:28 EST**

**Conner:** i want a baby   
  
**Megan:** Like...to hang out with?   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Roy** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****12:32 EST**

**Kaldur:** I want a baby.   
  
**Roy:** Done.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Violet > Brion** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****12:40 EST**

**Violet:** I want a baby.   
  
**Brion:** what brand?   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Steph > Timmy** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 7** **  
****12:41 EST**

**Steph:** i want a baby   
  
**Timmy:** bưt.. I’ḿ bẳby   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 8** **  
****16:20 EST**

**Wally:** hey you’re working today right   
  
**Blondie:** Yeah until 10:00 why   
  
**Wally:** what time do you go on break? I’m heading to burger king so I figured I’d pick you up some lunch   
  
**Blondie:** Think it’s a little late for lunch babe   
  
**Wally:** true, but it’s not exactly dinner either so we're gonna have to be creative here   
  
**Wally:** it’s...linner   
  
**Blondie:** Linner   
  
**Wally:** anyways hit me with your order, I’m in the drive thru now   
  
**Blondie:** I’ll have a chicken sandwich with fries, a Dr. Pepper, and for you to make up with Dick   
  
**Blondie:** Extra ketchup please   
  
**Wally:** yes to everything except that third thing   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 8** **  
****16:49 EST**

**Roy:** [image sent]   
  
**Roy:** Is this allowed?? What the fuck...is this allowed??   
  
**Megan:** Aww (♥ω♥*)   
  
**Roy:** Don’t “aww” them Megan, they’re being all romantic and shit over Burger King. The least romantic of fast foods. I wanna vomit into a plastic bag.   
  
**Megan:** Well I think they’re cute   
  
**Megan:** Like an old married couple :)   
  
**Artemis:** Hey now let’s not take it that far   
  
**Megan:** Why not? It’s true   
  
**Artemis:** Because old married couples are boring. They lack zest. They have no passíon   
  
**Artemis:** Wally and I are more like if a jack-in-the-box dated a rabid badger and now they share two and a half brain cells between them   
  
**Wally:** now THAT’S romance   
  
**Artemis:** HELL YEAH   
  
**Roy:** Artemis and Wally want everyone to know that they just high-fived. Someone get over here and kill me.   
  
**Artemis:** No one said you had to witness this Roy. Besides aren’t you supposed to be stocking shelves right now? Get back to work!!   
  
**Roy:** I would but I seriously worry that if I leave the break room now you two are going to ravage each other on the table and I don’t get paid enough for that.   
  
**Artemis:** See? Told you we’ve got ~zest~   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Friday, April 10** **  
****10:03 EST**

**Jaime:** Howdy folks! Who wants to buy stuff from me?  
  
 **Traci:** Mooommmm some gay kid is trying to sell me druuuuugs  
  
 **Garfield:** golly sure I’ll take one cokaiine mister drug dealer!  
  
 **Cassie:** Debit or credit  
  
 **Garfield:** I actually have a gift card  
  
 **Jaime:** Not where I was going, but okay.  
  
 **Traci:** What are you trying to sell to us then mister drug dealer?  
  
 **Jaime:** Girl scout cookies.  
  
 **Bart:** _girl scout cookies you say? :)_ _  
_ _  
_ **Jaime:** My little sister really wants to win a bike so buy some cookies fools.  
  
 **Bart:** I’ll take 50  
  
 **Jaime:** She only needs to sell like twelve more boxes for the bike.  
  
 **Bart:** oh okay  
  
 **Bart:** 49 then  
  
 **Violet:** It’s so nice that you care about your sister and want to help her! :^D  
  
 **Jaime:** Yeah well she’s blackmailing me to help her with this actually.  
  
 **Cassie:** Blackmailing you with what?  
  
 **Jaime:** I accidentally melted a dozen packages of cream cheese in the attic and she’s covering for me by saying the smell is just from her pet snake.  
  
 **Garfield:** wut.. wut the fuck  
  
 **Traci:** Do we even want to know the story behind this?  
  
 **Jaime:** Probably not, no.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Get A Room** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 11** **  
****11:11 EST**

**Stabby:** Give us the rundown Zee, how’s Dick doing   
  
**Doc:** we had a rough start but i think he’s slowly improving!   
  
**Doc:** when i first showed up at his house he was in the middle of a “be pissed at wally for being pissed at me” phase, then shifted into a crying phase, then back to anger, then back to crying while clutching a picture of wally, and now we’ve reached numbly staring at the wall while i paint his nails   
  
**Doc:** so...progress   
  
**Dopey:** what color?   
  
**Doc:** pastel yellow for positive vibes™   
  
**Dopey:** good choice   
  
**Stabby:** God it’s only been a week and a half and already I’m sick of this   
  
**Bashful:** Of painting nails?   
  
**Stabby:** I couldn’t have been more clearly talking about the Dick vs Wally emotional cage match   
  
**Stabby:** I mean Dick’s a wreck, Wally’s trying to stay angry but deep down he’s sad as hell, and now it’s awkward for all of us who are stuck in the middle of it. Someone should knock some sense into them   
  
**Stabby:** With a baseball bat preferably   
  
**Stabby:** Hard and fast   
  
**Doc:** “hard and fast”   
  
**Stabby:** I will sell your molars on ebay   
  
**Doc:** oh good i’ve been meaning to get these things replaced with solid gold nuggets for so long   
  
**Doc:** oh yikes here's an update: cass turned on the wall-e movie so we’re back to crying again   
  
**Bashful:** If I come over will you paint my nails too?   
  
**Doc:** sure what color?   
  
**Bashful:** Why rainbow of course, what am I, a straight person?   
  
**Happy:** Ooh I wanna come too!! I want to spell out D E E Z N U T S on my nails with little peanuts on the thumbs   
  
**Doc:** megs i have never been prouder to be ur friend than i am at this moment   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 11** **  
****14:30 EST**

**Raquel:** Who wants to pretend to date me so my relatives think I’m straight at Easter   
  
**Megan:** I’ll do it!   
  
**Raquel:** Uh well actually Megan,,   
  
**Raquel:** You know what? I’ll let you figure this out on your own   
  
**Megan:** …   
  
**Megan:** Hey wait a second   
  
**Raquel:** There it is   
  
**Kaldur:** I am free on that day. Is there going to be food there?   
  
**Raquel:** And chocolate bunnies filled with ice cream because in my house we don’t fear heart disease   
  
**Kaldur:** Count me in.   
  
**Raquel:** S w e e t   
  
**Kaldur:** Though I must ask Roy first to make sure he is okay with it, of course.   
  
  


* * *

**  
****  
****Kaldur > Roy** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 11** **  
****14:37 EST**

**Kaldur:** Is it okay if I date Raquel tomorrow?   
  
**Roy:** But she’s gay.   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes.   
  
**Roy:** And we’re also gay.   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes.   
  
**Roy:** …………Okay.   
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 12** **  
****07:14 EST**

**Bruce:** Who did it.  
  
 **Barbie:** Did what?  
  
 **Bruce:** Actually you’re excluded from this one Barbara because you don’t even live in the state.  
  
 **Barbie:** N i c e. I love being the good kid in this family  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** whàt did wể do thǐs timǝ?  
  
 **Bruce:** Like you don’t already know.  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** I dơn’t  
  
 **Bruce:** Well I don’t believe you.   
  
**YUMMMMM:** wtf kiñd of disrEŚPEČT,,  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** what did we do brucie??  
  
 **Bruce:** Someone drew dicks on all of the Easter eggs I hid around the mansion. I want to know who.  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** dfgjGFGTƉFGHGH thāt’s fücking GỢLD  
  
 **Barbie:** I am so proud of you glorious nitwits, 10/10 fantastic amazing would definitely recommend  
  
 **Bruce:** Which one of you was behind this.  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** not it!  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** Nǒt it!  
  
 **Barbie:** Definitely not it  
  
 **Bruce:** I’m not mad, I just want to know. Mostly looking at you, Tim.  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** Whŷ do yōu keep sınglinġ me ỗut??  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** because you’re the innocent one. perfect cover  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** i thoừght Cẵss waš the inǹocent ŏne  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** fine, second most innocent  
  
 **Bruce:** And Cassie would never do something like that. Right, honey?  
  
 **Cass:** :)  
  
 **Bruce:** There you go. So who did it? Stephanie?  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** don’t look at me b, i haven’t broken into your house to cause mayhem in weeks. it’s been pretty boring honestly  
  
 **Bruce:** Then that leaves Jason.  
  
 **Jaybird:** greaaaat go and blame the super cool bad boy I see  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** Dĩck eggs døes soûnd like yòur m.o.  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** and didn’t you set a garbage can on fire recently?  
  
 **Jaybird:** look I need an outlet for my teenage angst okay fuck off  
  
 **Barbie:** Jason made the dick eggs!! Lock him up officer  
  
 **Jaybird:** I did NOT bitch barbie  
  
 **Jaybird:** why aren't we pointing fingers at dickhead??? hello???? if anyone was to put dicks on eggs it would be him. it’s in the name  
  
 **Bruce:** Dick hasn’t left his bed since yesterday afternoon. I sincerely doubt he’s capable of getting up in the middle night to track down every single egg I hid and paint a phallus on it.  
  
 **Barbie:** He’s still depressed over Wally?  
  
 **Purple Ninja:** yeah it’s hard to watch at this point. yesterday i came over in a bright red wig hoping to lift his spirits but he just got mad at me for appropriating clown culture  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** Wāsn’t his grëat uncle a prổfessional clờwn or somẻthing?  
  
 **Bruce:** Yes I think so.  
  
 **YUMMMMM:** I cặn’t believe oữr own brothẹr has goddắmn cloẅn genǝs swiḿming aroűnd in hĭs DNA  
  
 **Jaybird:** ew I hate clowns can I kill him  
  
 **Bruce:** No threatening your siblings with murder before noon.  
  
 **Jaybird:** I hate this fucking family  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 12** **  
****15:53 EST**

**Ed:** What are everyone’s weirdest holiday traditions GO   
  
**Violet:** On Christmas day my cousin makes his specialty sliced pickle kebabs but instead of sticks he uses candy canes. Whoever finishes first without vomiting gets to open the first present.   
  
**Tim:** Evęry Easter morńing Bruce t-pǒses in the backŷard and we thrőw raw eggs ât him until sðmeone wïns   
  
**Bart:** eating halloween candy until you throw up is a pretty steady tradition in my house   
  
**Cassie:** Setting!! Garden gnomes!! On fire!!   
  
**Jaime:** Which holiday do you do that for??   
  
**Cassie:** President’s Day obviously, when else would we do that   
  
**Garfield:** on every easter for as long as I’ve known her, Megan has made a huge awesome cake decorated with layers of marshmallow peeps and frosting and I’ve eaten that cake every single year without fail even though I’m actually super allergic to gelatin and it fucks me up for days   
  
**Ed:** Can’t you just...tell her the truth?   
  
**Garfield:** I would literally rather die **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 14** **  
****02:17 EST**

**Zatanna:** the webster’s dictionary definition of self-care is playing animal crossing for six days straight without showering or doing homework in between because goddammit these bugs and fish need to be harvested   
  
**Megan:** No?? No it’s definitely not **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 15** **  
****13:14 EST**

**Traci:** If you could have any superpower you could possibly imagine, what would it be? Because I’d want snapping turtle heads attached to my wrists instead of hands that way they can chomp up my homework into little bits   
  
**Violet:** I want rainbow power!!   
  
**Ed:** Teleportation but only to the fridge and back. And possibly the bathroom   
  
**Jaime:** I crave the ability to perfectly crack open walnuts with my feet. Or maybe let me read my pet stinkbug’s mind because I’m positive he thinks about nothing but murder 24/7 and it’s worrying.   
  
**Garfield:** I wanna be half kid half carousel horse!   
  
**Steph:** why?   
  
**Garfield:** because then I can just spin around on my little pole all day without a care in the world   
  
**Bart:** THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID   
  
**Bart:** or he   
  
**Bart:** we don’t discriminate here   
  
**Violet:** Wait, I am confused. What did they say?   
  
**Bart:** uh   
  
**Jaime:** Yeah Bart, care to explain your joke to our pure friend? :)   
  
**Bart:** get off my ass okay it’s not my fault I’m a purebred class clown   
  
**Cassie:** Well it looks like this is your shit now lie in it   
  
**Bart:** I hereby relinquish my ability to make words happen. sorry jesus   
  
**Violet:** But...I still don’t understand what they said.（・∩・）   
  
**Cassie:** I’ll tell you when you’re older pal   
  
**Cassie:** Anyways MY TURN   
  
**Cassie:** I want the ability to fly, but only two feet off the ground that way I can wear long coats and everyone will think I’m just a really really tall person and let me on roller coasters   
  
**Tim:** You absölute plebs, supėrpowers are sỗ yesterday. I’ḿ gonna wack peǒple with a giant tree brǎnch and give thềm debilitating heặd trauma like a cơol guy **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: Bread** **  
****  
****Thursday, April 16** **  
****23:36 EST**

**Crouton:** @Wonder Bread @Bagél you two get the FUCK over here   
  
**Rye Bread:** That wasn’t a suggestion. Gather ‘round ya fucklings.   
  
**Bagél:** what do you want   
  
**Crouton:** Hang on for a sec   
  
**Crouton:** @Wonder Bread @Wonder Bread @Wonder Bread COME HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT WE’RE HAVING AN INTERVENTION   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I’m really not in the mood guys   
  
**Rye Bread:** Don’t care! We’re doing it anyway.   
  
**Bagél:** artemis I sent you a goodnight text like five minutes ago what the heck   
  
**Crouton:** Sorry but this needs to be done if our friend group is going to keep from crumbling into pieces and imploding on itself like a dying star   
  
**Bagél:** in that case I revoke the goodnight   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Can I go back to bed?   
  
**Rye Bread:** Nope! You two need to kiss and make up and it’s happening tonight so get your apology shoes on because it’s time to get down to BUSINESS.   
  
**Bagél:** what do I have to apologize for???   
  
**Rye Bread:** For being an unforgiving asshole.   
  
**Wonder Bread:** It’s about time   
  
**Crouton:** And Dick, you need to apologize for going behind Wally’s back and bribing our college like a mob boss   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I’ve already apologized plenty of times! He just won’t listen   
  
**Bagél:** yeahhh I’m not apologizing to him after what he did   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I said I was sorry what else do you want from me?!   
  
**Bagél:** saying sorry doesn’t magically erase what you did!!!   
  
**Crouton:** SHUT UP FOR A SEC OKAY   
  
**Crouton:** Neptune’s fucking beard this is going to be harder than I thought   
  
**Rye Bread:** That’s what she said.   
  
**Crouton:** Choke and die   
  
**Crouton:** Anyway Dick and Wally, it’s clear that you guys are having issues right now   
  
**Bagél:** understatement but okay   
  
**Crouton:** Wally. My love. The can to my yams. How about you shut the f u c k up for a minute and let the doctor talk ok   
  
**Crouton:** Now back to what I was saying   
  
**Crouton:** It’s clear that you two are having problems with your relationship. Dick, you feel cheated because no matter how many times you apologize, Wally refuses to get his head out of his ass and forgive you   
  
**Rye Bread:** And Wally, you feel betrayed because Dick used his pockets full of money and his famous playboy dad to go behind your back and finesse your way into college, completely disregarding all of the hard work and effort you put into getting there.   
  
**Crouton:** But that doesn’t mean you can’t move on from this rough patch. Every relationship has its up and downs, just as every friendship does   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Did you two do research on a couple’s counseling website before doing this   
  
**Rye Bread:** What we choose to do in our free time is irrelevant.   
  
**Rye Bread:** But come on, don’t you remember the good old days before this backstabbing college business ruined everything? Dick, don’t you remember when you needed help with your eighth grade science project and Wally made you a volcano so awesome it destroyed the cafeteria and cost the school hundreds of dollars in damages?   
  
**Rye:** And Wally, how can you forget the time That Bitch Madison made fun of you so Dick put hair remover in her mascara bottle the next day and she had to go home early in hysterics because her eyelashes were falling out? You guys are too close and love each other too much to let this one incident come between you for good.   
  
**Crouton:** Moral of the story is you need to come to an understanding and move past this once and for all because we’re all sick of it   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I really don’t want to   
  
**Crouton:** Yes you do stop lying, everyone knows you both miss each other. Wally I know for a fact you made a Dick Grayson sculpture out of mayonnaise yesterday   
  
**Bagél:** that was for school   
  
**Crouton:** No it wasn’t because you ate it right after   
  
**Rye Bread:** Why can’t you just accept that you both made mistakes and move on like adults? Is that really so difficult?   
  
**Bagél:** you’re one to talk, you bailed on us for two months after you found out about lian and now you’re going to lecture us about letting go of baggage?   
  
**Rye Bread:** Yes I am because I learned from my mistakes. You haven’t.   
  
**Bagél:** I’ve learned plenty from this. I learned that you shouldn’t expect anyone to have your back no matter how much you trust them because they’re only going to turn around and make you feel like shit when it counts   
  
**Crouton:** You don’t actually think that   
  
**Bagél:** don’t see why I shouldn’t   
  
**Crouton:** …   
  
**Crouton:** Can you guys give us a minute? Roy, lecture Dick about billionaire etiquette or something   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Thursday, April 16** **  
****23:49 EST**

**Artemis:** You’re being a baby about this   
  
**Baywatch:** so what, you’re putting me in time out?   
  
**Artemis:** Wally Rudolph West you need to cut the shit and be real for fuck’s sake. And because you know I love you and care about your wellbeing, I’m allowed to tell you this so be quiet and listen   
  
**Artemis:** It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel like you were betrayed by Dick and deserved to be treated better. All of those things are okay   
  
**Artemis:** What’s NOT okay is holding on to your anger in order to cover up your insecurities   
  
**Baywatch:** that’s not what I’m doing   
  
**Artemis:** Can you please shut that beautiful mouth of yours for a second and let me talk until I'm done? Because like it or not, you need to hear this   
  
**Artemis:** I know you’re upset that Dick got involved in what was supposed to be your moment to shine. You wanted to get accepted to Stanford on your own terms, and I totally get that   
  
**Artemis:** But I also know that you’re terrified about whether this means you wouldn’t have been able to get into your dream school without help. You wanted to prove to yourself and everyone else that you could do it all on your own, and Dick took that from you   
  
**Artemis:** So you’re using this mess as an excuse to accept that you’re not capable of great things—that by starting this, Dick proved that you don’t actually have what it takes to take on the future, and that scares you   
  
**Artemis:** But it isn’t true, and you need to stop letting all of that doubt and anxiety hold you back. You’re not some deadbeat with no goals and an IQ under 175, you’re Wally fucking West. Your life isn’t over just because you had a little help getting into a school with a 4.7% acceptance rate   
  
**Artemis:** You’re smart and driven and creative and BRILLIANT in every way, and that’s why you shouldn’t listen to whatever devil on your shoulder is telling you that the universe is trying to prove you wrong. Dick making a mistake while trying to help you out isn’t some signal that you’re not going to amount to anything, because I honestly don’t think it would be possible for you to fail at something like this   
  
**Artemis:** If it wasn’t Stanford, it would be some other genius school full of people who can actually realize true potential when they see it. And regardless of whether you got accepted to this one for murky reasons or not, they’re GOING to see it. Because you’re going to kick ass no matter where you go   
  
**Artemis:** …..Okay now I’m done. Thoughts?   
  
**Baywatch:** good speech   
  
**Artemis:** Thank you   
  
**Artemis:** Now I know you already knew all of this Wally, so why are you still mad at Dick? And no phony “it’s all his fault and I hate him” answers this time. We’re talking real honest shit now   
  
**Baywatch:** I’m mad because he went behind my back   
  
**Artemis:** Okay   
  
**Baywatch:** and he didn’t think I was good enough to get into stanford on my own which was a huge slap in the face because he knew how important this was for me   
  
**Artemis:** And?   
  
**Baywatch:** and....because I know that if he had asked me before he called and I said not to do it and then I got the rejection letter anyway, I would have wished I’d let him do it in the first place   
  
**Artemis:** Bingo   
  
**Artemis:** So why are you still angry with him? All he wanted was to help you   
  
**Baywatch:** because he broke my trust. it's no secret that trust for me is a really important thing, and he completely ignored that fact in favor of helping with something that he knew I needed to do for myself. he went and got involved anyway like my feelings didn't matter to him   
  
**Artemis:** That doesn’t mean he can’t earn that trust back, right? One mistake in six years of friendship shouldn't ruin it forever   
  
**Baywatch:** but what if this means I’ll never stop needing him? what if my dad was right all along and I really can’t amount to anything on my own without someone else carrying me the whole way?   
  
**Artemis:** Then you have me and everyone else who loves you to remind you that you can. _Including_ Dick   
  
**Baywatch:** yeah well it doesn’t matter now, dick hates me   
  
**Artemis:** For what, for being hurt and angry? You and I both know he isn’t the kind of person to do that   
  
**Baywatch:** he’s a better friend than I am   
  
**Artemis:** You’re not a bad friend and you never were. Everyone goes through shit and we all handle it in different ways, there’s no crime in that. Not realizing when you’re wrong or choosing not to make amends for it is where the bad stuff comes in   
  
**Baywatch:** all that counseling research is really paying off huh   
  
**Artemis:** Damn straight it is. If my career as a professional bear wrangler doesn’t work out I might consider psychology   
  
**Artemis:** Now get back out there and make things right with Dick   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread  
  
Friday, April 17** **  
****00:16 EST**

**Rye Bread:** And that’s why you should always follow my motto: “If you can buy their house with your allowance, keep the wallet in your pants until otherwise specified.”   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Thanks Yoda   
  
**Crouton:** We’re back. Wally?   
  
**Bagél:** hey dick   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Hey   
  
**Bagél:** I’m...sorry I lashed out at you. and I’m sorry I wouldn’t listen to your apologies. that wasn’t fair of me   
  
**Wonder Bread:** You don’t have to apologize, it was my fault for having Bruce call the admissions office without telling you   
  
**Bagél:** no it wasn’t. if you’d asked me before you did it I would have said no, but I also would have regretted it if I turned down your help and got rejected anyway   
  
**Bagél:** you just wanted to help me out. if I were in your shoes, I would have tried everything I could think of if it meant making sure you got to be happy. I was just scared that all this meant I wasn’t built to achieve anything on my own since now I’ll never know if I really was good enough or not, and I put it all on you. it was shitty of me and I’m sorry   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Me too. I should have told you what I did myself instead of waiting like a coward for you to find out on your own. I knew I should have come clean as soon as I did it, but I was too scared because I knew you would be hurt when you found out. I think I was secretly hoping the problem would go away on its own, which was dumb and I shouldn’t have avoided it for so long   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I’m really sorry   
  
**Bagél:** me too   
  
**Rye Bread:** Yeah yeah yeah, you’re both sorry idiots. We good now?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Wally I promise I’ll make it up to you, whatever you want I’ll do it   
  
**Bagél:** I mean,,   
  
**Bagél:** for starters, next time I apply to a super prestigious school maybe don’t have your dad bribe them so I get accepted? at least not without me there to supervise   
  
**Wonder Bread:** No more bribes, got it :)   
  
**Crouton:** Yay so we’re all friends again? Yes? Fucking FINALLY, you poor repressed bastards   
  
**Rye Bread:** I’m so tired now what the fuck, I’m sending you two a bill in the mail for the therapy session. Thank god this is over.   
  
**Crouton:** Roy and I are gonna get drunk and watch cartoons now, don’t bother us until at least noon tomorrow okay   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Isn’t tomorrow a school day?   
  
**Crouton:** Says who, the president? Fuck off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cass was the one behind the dick eggs. She thought it would cheer Dick up to come downstairs and find a bunch of dicks hidden around his house on Easter morning. She was never caught and the crime goes unsolved in Wayne Manor. *law & order "dun dun" plays*


	28. What The Hap Is Fuckening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick makes questionable financial decisions, the youngsters get an informative lecture, and Artemis has a stalker.

**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Monday, April 20** **  
****16:20 EST**

**Kaldur:** Well everyone, it is officially 4:20 on April 20th. Time for a blunt. :)   
  
**Megan:** Uh...wow Kaldur, this kind of habit isn’t something I would expect from you of all people   
  
**Kaldur:** A blunt cONVERSATION ABOUT THE DANGERS OF DRUG USE! SAY NO TO DRUGS, KIDS!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 22** **  
****12:06 EST**

**Dick:** Should I buy an elephant with Bruce’s credit card? Because I already have the website open and my mouse is hovering over the complete purchase button so I need an answer now   
  
**Wally:** DO IT   
  
**Kaldur:** DON’T DO IT.   
  
**Zatanna:** DO IT!   
  
**Conner:** how much does it cost   
  
**Dick:** Irrelevant I’m rich   
  
**Raquel:** Where will you keep it?   
  
**Dick:** In the cowpen   
  
**Raquel:** Okay where’s the cowpen   
  
**Dick:** Around the cow obviously   
  
**Raquel:** And where is the cow?   
  
**Dick:** You wouldn’t believe me if I told you   
  
**Raquel:** Try me   
  
**Dick:** It’s in the cowpen   
  
**Megan:** What are you even going to do with an elephant? You’re not a zookeeper   
  
**Dick:** I would love and cherish it forever of course, you silly billy. Maybe feed it a few peanuts and ride it around the backyard if the mood strikes me   
  
**Wally:** BUY IT BUY IT BUY IT   
  
**Dick:** Hmmm it says here that if I buy two elephants I can get a free camel   
  
**Wally:** buy all of them right now do it do it   
  
**Zatanna:** and then nine pigeons too for good measure   
  
**Dick:** Thank you everyone for supporting my irresponsible pet acquisitions I knew I could count on you guys   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Wednesday, April 22** **  
****13:46 EST**

**Dick:** The credit card company called Bruce. I’m grounded for life :/   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Satan** **  
****  
****Thursday, April 23** **  
****12:58 EST**

**Roy:** Okay I’m leaving for DC now, any messages you want me to pass on to Jade or Lian when I get there?   
  
**Satan:** Yeah can you tell Lian I would die for her and then tell Jade that I lost her plastic Disney princess hairbrush because I threw it at the wall to kill a spider and I missed and shattered a window and then a raccoon grabbed the brush and ran away with it **  
****  
****Roy:** I’ll just tell them you said hi.   
  
**Satan:** Good call   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass**   
  
**Thursday, April 23** **  
****17:32 EST**

**Violet:** I don't know if this is an offensive question or not so please correct me if it is, but what is the ace spectrum? I keep hearing about it but I am not quite sure about what it means. :^/  
  
 **Traci:** Don’t worry it’s not offensive at all to ask! The ace spectrum is a spectrum for people who experience little to no sexual attraction, so it includes asexuals and demisexuals and the like but I’m not exactly an expert on it  
  
 **Tim:** I mêan,,,I’m demisexúal so I gửess i ɔan let you ỉn on the basics ằnd all thật  
  
 **Tim:** Thổugh I can’t spềak for everyone on the ắce spectrum because every persốn is different of course, but for mể I don’t feel sexually attrãcted to anyone unless i’ve knỗwn them for a super long time and we have a really deep bond. tbh I’m just not into that stuff at all right now, but I feel more demi than straight-up ásexual so yeah  
  
 **Tim:** And it’s the samề thing for me wïth romantic attraction too, like I don’t feel rõmantically attracted to anyone unless we’ve been close friends for a while ậnd I feel a connection to them  
  
 **Violet:** Interesting! And what about asexuals? Is it the same for them?  
  
 **Tim:** I think it’s a bit different but I’m nōt the person to explain that part so uhh @Conner help us out búd  
  
 **Conner:** hey everyone  
  
 **Conner:** so like. im asexual which means i dont feel sexual attraction at all. its just not my cup of tea  
  
 **Violet:** Is that different from romantic attraction?  
  
 **Conner:** yeah i consider myself heteromantic asexual because i love my girlfriend and am totally attracted to her romantically, but sexual attraction just isnt high on the list of priorities for me. if i wasnt into romance it would be aromantic but i dont feel that way so i just stick with the asexual part  
  
 **Tim:** Yeah and it can văry from person to person: some people feel rỗmantic attraction but not sexual attraction, some feel the opposite, some are kinda gray with both of them and some have nểither  
  
 **Tim:** That’s why it’s all on a spectrửm because there are so many different ways to bẹ aro/ace  
  
 **Violet:** Thank you this has been very informative! I was only wondering because I sometimes see an A in the LGBT acronym but sometimes it isn’t there and I didn’t understand why.  
  
 **Conner:** yeahhh some people dont think asexuals and aromantics belong in the gay community but its for stupid reasons so we ignore those people like the plague  
  
 **Garfield:** excellent points you're making but I'm pretty sure you’re not supposed to ignore a plague  
  
 **Tim:** Sure yởu are, just stay iñ your house and pretênd the plaǧue isn’t happening and pởof! evérything is fiǹe  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Wally > Megalicious** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 25** **  
****09:15 EST**

**Wally:** are you made of copper and tellurium?   
  
**Wally:** because you’re CuTe   
  
**Megalicious:** (◕ ˵ ∀ ˵ ◕✿)   
  
**Megalicious:** If you were a triangle you would be aCUTE one ;)   
  
**Wally:** :D   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Eduardo Dorito** **  
****  
****Saturday, April 25** **  
****11:19 EST**

**Bart:** hey hey hey I have got a SPECTACULAR idea are you ready for it   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** Is this anything like your battery operated back scratcher machine? Because I still have claw marks from that   
  
**Bart:** nope this time it’s even BETTER   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** Okay what is it   
  
**Bart:** a million years from now if we ever get married we should totally SWITCH last names that way everyone is confused because we’re gay so there’s no rules for us!! total anarchy!! down with society!!!   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** That’s a fantastic idea but did you by chance drink a ton of energy drinks today or maybe meth because I’m Worried   
  
**Bart:** only like seven redbulls but it’s okay because traci’s with me and we’re playing shrimp bowling responsibibly   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** What the fuckety is shrimp bowling??   
  
**Bart:** it’s when you buy frozen shrimp from the grocery store and dress them up in lil tuxedos and top hats and arrange them in a polly pocket restaurant so they can go on a date but then suddenly a GIANT BOWLING BALL comes smashing through the restaurant and decimates the entire place, leaving dozens of shrimp citizens dead and injured   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** Wow   
  
**Bart:** yeah   
  
**Eduardo Dorito:** ….Can I play?   
  
**Bart:** ABSOLUTELY YES let’s destroy some dead shrimpy lives together   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 26** **  
****13:58 EST**

**Artemis:** Houston,,.,...I have so many problems   
  
**Baywatch:** artemis I’ve told you this a million times you need to use vinegar when you wash your jeans if you want to keep them from fading   
  
**Artemis:** Not that, I’ve been doing that   
  
**Artemis:** A dog followed me home today   
  
**Baywatch:** a dog?   
  
**Artemis:** A dog   
  
**Baywatch:** what kind of dog?   
  
**Artemis:** I don’t know what breed it is, all I know is it’s all dirty and mangy and it won’t leave me alone   
  
**Baywatch:** where did it come from??   
  
**Artemis:** No idea, it followed me home from work and wouldn’t go away and now he’s sitting on my porch staring at me through the window   
  
**Baywatch:** so it’s a he?   
  
**Artemis:** I have no idea what he is I’m not a veterinarian, there’s a dog on my porch and he won’t leave me alone DO SOMETHING   
  
**Baywatch:** maybe he’s just hungry   
  
**Artemis:** What am I supposed to do, feed him? He’s not my dog!!   
  
**Baywatch:** is he wearing a collar?   
  
**Artemis:** Uhh not sure let me check   
  
**Artemis:** Nope   
  
**Artemis:** He looks like he was birthed from a garbage can and rolled around in fifty mud puddles before coming here   
  
**Baywatch:** send a pic?   
  
**Artemis:** [image sent]   
  
**Baywatch:** awww he’s cute <3   
  
**Artemis:** He’s gross   
  
**Baywatch:** so what are you going to do with him?   
  
**Artemis:** Idk it’s a stray dog, what am I supposed to do??   
  
**Baywatch:** maybe if you give him a snacky snack he’ll go away   
  
**Artemis:** Okay uhhhh I have some grapes can I give him that?   
  
**Baywatch:** I think grapes are poisonous to dogs   
  
**Artemis:** Fine then what about beef jerky  
  
 **Baywatch:** I suppose that can’t hurt. open the door a crack and throw it at him, hopefully he’ll take it and leave   
  
**Artemis:** Alright gimme a sec   
  
**Artemis:** HE SLIPPED THROUGH THE DOOR AND RAN INSIDE   
  
**Artemis:** HE’S SITTING ON MY COUCH NOW   
  
**Baywatch:** careful he might have fleas   
  
**Artemis:** THERE IS A STRANGE DOG SITTING ON MY COUCH AND EATING MY JERKY WALLY WHAT DO I DO   
  
**Baywatch:** this isn’t exactly my area of expertise but I’m pretty sure that means you have a dog now   
  
**Artemis:** I DO NOT HAVE A DOG NOW GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME GET RID OF IT   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 26** **  
****15:27 EST**

**One Black Coffee:** Hey google how do I tell a canine that breaking and entering is illegal in all fifty states and so is chewing on my sneaker like it’s a stick of hubba bubba bubble gum   
  
**Chamomile:** u got a dog??? what the fucc???   
  
**One Black Coffee:** Correction: I’m being stalked by a dog   
  
**One Black Coffee:** There’s a huge difference   
  
**Hot Chocolate:** I was wondering why there was a vid of you washing a dog on Wally’s snap story   
  
**Chamomile:** u gave it a bath???   
  
**One Black Coffee:** He was dirty!!! What was I supposed to do, let him get dirt and ticks all over my house?  
  
 **Chamomile:** he shouldn't really be in ur house in the first place if he's not ur dog  
  
 **One Black Coffee:** What part of this situation makes you think I have any authority over what happens here   
  
**Lemonade:** I have some connections at the Logan Animal Hospital if you want to go get your dog checked out and vaccinated   
  
**One Black Coffee:** He’s not my dog!!!   
  
**One Black Coffee:** He can leave whenever he wants to   
  
**Chamomile:** seems to me like he doesn’t want to   
  
**One Black Coffee:** Not YET   
  
**Hot Chocolate:** Okay well congrats on the new dog Artemis! Good luck   
  
**One Black Coffee:** HE’S NOT MY DOG   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Wallman** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 26** **  
****17:59 EST**

**Dick:** I’m sorry did you and Artemis adopt a dog or am I just losing it   
  
**Wallman:** technically we didn’t adopt him, he followed artemis home and is refusing to leave so...he adopted her I guess   
  
**Wallman:** but he’s not staying or anything. we’re gonna get rid of him somehow   
  
**Dick:** I can’t believe you guys were able to get a fucking dog yet Bruce still won’t let me have an elephant? Disrespectful. Disgusting. Offensive   
  
**Wallman:** IT’S NOT OUR DOG!!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 26** **  
****18:09 EST**

**Wally:** hey where are you? you disappeared and I’m trying to wrangle the dog away from roy’s candy stash   
  
**Blondie:** I’m at the main house trying to find out if Oliver adopted a dog I didn’t know about   
  
**Blondie:** He said no   
  
**Wally:** darn. well I’ve got some good news and bad news, which one do you want first   
  
**Blondie:** Bad news first   
  
**Wally:** the dog peed on the floor   
  
**Wally:** good news is he’s definitely a boy!   
  
**Blondie:** Wonderful   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Conner** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 26** **  
****18:48 EST**

**Artemis:** Quick question what kind of dog is this  
  
 **Artemis:** [image sent]  
  
 **Conner:** a boi  
  
 **Artemis:** No I mean the breed  
  
 **Conner:** big boi™   
  
**Artemis:** Golly thanks so much Kon that’s real helpful  
  
 **Conner:** big soft fluff boi  
  
 **Conner:** large squishy boi supreme  
  
 **Artemis:** Okay well Wally and I are at the pet store now, should I get the big water dish or the medium sized one for this kind of beast  
  
 **Conner:** i cant believe youre already buying stuff for your dog  
  
 **Artemis:** Shut up he’s not our dog!!! I’m just sick of him drinking out of the toilet and I’m not going to let the stupid creature die of dehydration  
  
 **Artemis:** And the doggy bed is just because I don’t want him tearing up my pillows that’s the only reason  
  
 **Conner:** uh huh  
  
 **Conner:** you should get the big water dish for your dog  
  
 **Artemis:** NOT! OUR! DOG!  
  
 **Artemis:** He’s only staying the night because it’s supposed to be stormy until morning and I don’t want him out there like that  
  
 **Conner:** oh yeah of course of course  
  
 **Conner:** totally believe you 100%  
  
 **Artemis:** You’re such a dick  
  
 **Conner:** feel free to bring your new dog over for a playdate with wolf sometime :)  
  
 **Artemis:** I hope a centipede crawls into your ear canal tonight and lays eggs in your brain  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Sunday, April 26** **  
****19:27 EST**

**Wally:** [image sent]   
  
**Wally:** dad look it’s the good kush   
  
**Zatanna:** THIS IS THE DOLLAR STORE HOW GOOD CAN IT BE   
  
**Dick:** THIS IS THE DOLLAR STORE HOW GOOD CAN IT BE   
  
**Zatanna:** JINX u owe me ur life now   
  
**Megan:** I love how you can see Artemis looking dead inside in the corner of the picture there. It’s like a renaissance painting come to life   
  
**Wally:** listen she made the decision to be with me which means there’s no escaping my cool memey hijinks. she signed up for this   
  
**Roy:** Wait a sec are you and Artemis at the pet store? What are you doing there?   
  
**Wally:** uhhhh   
  
**Wally:** buying bird food   
  
**Roy:** You don’t have a bird.   
  
**Wally:** yes I do he just flew south he’s coming back in the summer   
  
**Roy:** Then why are you buying bird food now?   
  
**Wally:** uhhhhhhhhhhhh oh would you look at that it’s my drug dealer gOTTA BLAST   
  
**Dick:** Smooth   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
****  
****Monday, April 27** **  
****06:04 EST**

**Jaybird:** I just had this crazy nightmare that I got kidnapped by a clown and bludgeoned with a crowbar and died   
  
**Dickish:** That’s wild man are you okay?   
  
**Jaybird:** yeah but I died   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Arty** **  
****  
****Monday, April 27** **  
****07:14 EST**

**Zatanna:** how did things go with the pupper last night?   
  
**Arty:** He knocked over a plant in the kitchen and ate my homework   
  
**Zatanna:** :/   
  
**Arty:** But around midnight he got freaked out by the thunder and jumped onto my bed and wouldn’t leave me alone like the feral bastard he is which...wasn’t horrible   
  
**Arty:** [image sent]   
  
**Arty:** [image sent]   
  
**Arty:** [image sent]   
  
**Zatanna:** AWWWWW ur cuddlin   
  
**Arty:** Not cuddlin   
  
**Zatanna:** u two are SO cuddlin   
  
**Arty:** _Not! Cuddlin!_   
  
**Zatanna:** oh so what, he just hypnotized u into hugging him like a baby and letting him lick your face like the sweet baby he is?   
  
**Arty:** Precisely   
  
**Arty:** He’s not my dog I don’t want him   
  
**Zatanna:** keep telling urself that honey   
  
**Zatanna:** so what’s going to happen today? are u gonna lock him a room so he doesn’t destroy ur house while ur at school   
  
**Arty:** Nah Wally and I did rock paper scissors and he lost so he’s ditching school today to watch the mutt while I sneak a Wally West lookalike mannequin into all of his classes that way the teachers think he’s there   
  
**Zatanna:** make sure to send me pics of the pup after! i love the artemis crock doggie adventures   
  
**Arty:** HE. IS. NOT. MY. DOG.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
****  
****Monday, April 27** **  
****08:23 EST**

**Wally:** okay I’ll admit it   
  
**Wally:** I love this dog   
  
**Wally:** [image sent]   
  
**Wally:** [image sent]   
  
**Blondie:** Awwww   
  
**Blondie:** Wait no I mean uh EW GROSS WHAT A DUMB DOG I HATE THAT ADORABLE MUTT BLEGH DOGS ARE GROSS   
  
**Wally:** he’s such an angel, we’ve been snuggling on the couch all morning this fella loves me <3<3<3   
  
**Blondie:** We’re not keeping him   
  
**Wally:** okay   
  
**Blondie:** I mean it. We’re not keeping him   
  
**Wally:** okay   
  
**Blondie:** I’M SERIOUS HE’S LEAVING TODAY, WHEN I GET BACK FROM SCHOOL WE’RE SENDING HIM BACK INTO THE WILDERNESS TO HARASS SOMEONE ELSE   
  
**Wally:** totally up to you babe   
  
**Blondie:** Good   
  
**Wally:** good   
  
**Blondie:** Good   
  
**Blondie:** …………okay well we already bought the water bowl and leash so maybe we’ll kick him out tomorrow   
  
**Blondie:** Just because I want to get my money’s worth out of the Creature equipment, not because I like him   
  
**Wally:** oh no of course not   
  
**Wally:** [image sent]   
  
**Blondie:** TELL HIM TO STOP BEING SO CUTE THIS ISN’T FAIR I’M TRYING NOT TO GET ATTACHED   
  
**Wally:** it’s not his fault he’s so sweet and lovely <3   
  
**Wally:** if you don’t wanna get attached just think of something gross like moldy socks. or cat shit. or republicans   
  
**Wally:** omg look he’s sticking his tongue out!!   
  
**Wally:** [image sent]   
  
**Blondie:** STOP MAKING ME WITNESS HIS CUTENESS YOU MONSTER   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Monday, April 27** **  
****12:54 EST**

**Zatanna:** hey what’s the school wifi password i wanna watch netflix during gym but i used up all my data on peppa pig x harry styles fanfiction   
  
**Megan:** Sorry Zee, I logged onto the wifi a super long time ago so I don’t remember the password anymore :(   
  
**Dick:** Here try “That’sSomeSexyCactusJuice” I’m pretty sure that’s it   
  
**Zatanna:** ok   
  
**Zatanna:** it didn’t work   
  
**Raquel:** Try lizardsauce, no caps or spaces   
  
**Zatanna:** nope   
  
**Megan:** I’m sure the password is something really boring and obvious for a school district to approve, like “my-milkshake-brings-hurricane-katrina-to-the-yard”   
  
**Raquel:** Oh yeah definitely try that one   
  
**Zatanna:** nothing :(   
  
**Kaldur:** Try 000001.   
  
**Zatanna:** nada   
  
**Kaldur:** Hmmm okay now try 000002.   
  
**Zatanna:** i’m not going to do that   
  
**Conner:** i think its something along the lines of “chickenfingerscallmedaddy” but i could be slightly off   
  
**Dick:** What the fuck Conner   
  
**Zatanna:** that one’s definitely not going to work but i’ll humor u   
  
**Zatanna:** ………....sweet baby jesus it worked   
  
**Raquel:** *hacker voice* I’m in...but at what cost   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Monday, April 27** **  
****13:06 EST**

**Artemis:** How about Sparky?  
  
 **Baywatch:** that’s the kind of name you give your jack russell puppy three days before it gets hit by a car and dies in your arms  
  
 **Artemis:** I honestly don’t know how to respond to that  
  
 **Baywatch:** what do you think of wally junior?  
  
 **Artemis:** You’re not naming him Wally Junior. I like Reggie  
  
 **Baywatch:** napoleon  
  
 **Artemis:** Prince Franklin the First  
  
 **Baywatch:** weaselman  
  
 **Artemis:** Stankfurt  
  
 **Baywatch:** pumpkin  
  
 **Artemis:** Eggy  
  
 **Baywatch:** pancreatitis  
  
 **Artemis:** Bruce  
  
 **Baywatch:** B R U C E !!!  
  
 **Artemis:** That one was a joke  
  
 **Baywatch:** please please please name him bruce please art I’m begging you  
  
 **Artemis:** We can’t name our dog after Dick’s dad are you psycho?? That would be so weird  
  
 **Baywatch:** yeah but when else will we ever get the opportunity to be like “bruce stop peeing on the carpet” “bruce stop chewing on the furniture you fuck” “bruce get over here and snuggle with me” etc etc  
  
 **Artemis:** Nope, no way. I refuse to name my dog after that man  
  
 **Baywatch:** darn :(  
  
 **Artemis:** ……………….though I guess if we change it to Brucely then it TECHNICALLY doesn’t count..  
  
 **Baywatch:** YES  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 **Artemis > Dickhead** **  
****  
****Monday, April 27** **  
****20:22 EST**

**Artemis:** Hey guess what shorty we named our dog after your fucking dad   
  
**Dickhead:** You didn’t   
  
**Artemis:** We did. Got the doggie tag engraved yesterday and everything   
  
**Artemis:** [image sent]   
  
**Artemis:** Say hello to Brucely Crock :)   
  
**Dickhead:** “STORYTIME: Just Murdered My Best Friends For Naming Their Dog After My Dad And Making Me Question Whether This Is All An Elaborate Ploy To Insinuate My Dad Is A Furry???”   
  
**Dickhead:** Make sure to SMASH that like button guys and subscribe for part 2 of my emotional breakdown!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 28** **  
****11:00 EST**

**Casserole:** Excited to announce that from now on all of my curse words will be replaced with silly alternatives!   
  
**Timber:** I alrǝady have a fĕeling i’m nōt gonna eñjoy thiş   
  
**Casserole:** What the frankfurter is that supposed to mean you little sturpderp bibblebobble   
  
**Timber:** Oh! Gơod to sểe I was rĭght :)   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Satan** **  
****  
****Tuesday, April 28** **  
****19:42 EST**

**Roy:** What the hap is fuckening here???   
  
**Satan:** What   
  
**Roy:** Why did I come home to find a dog sitting on my couch???? For fuck’s sake Artemis I leave you alone for not even a week and you’re letting random animals visit like it’s a bed and breakfast.   
  
**Satan:** Oh yeah forgot to tell you, Wally and I got a dog   
  
**Roy:** I’m sorry you WHAT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The Jason thing was Julie's idea and it's FUCKING hilarious we stan a genius!)


	29. Obama Means Family...Family Means Nobody Pays the Bills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy is jealous of a dog, Bart can't read maps, and Kaldur embraces motherhood.

**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 1** **  
** **06:34 EST**

**Crouton:** I’ve only had Brucely for four days but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself  
  
**Crouton:** [image sent]  
  
**Bagél:** a babey!!! give him a kiss for me okay  
  
**Rye Bread:** You two disgust me.  
  
**Crouton:** Oh so we can’t publicly display affection for our dog in a tight-knit group chat, but you can go and gush about Lian to complete strangers every chance you get and keep five hundred pictures of her in your phone? I taste a hypocrite frolicking on my taste buds  
  
**Wonder Bread:** What does the hypocrite taste like?  
  
**Crouton:** Salt and limes  
  
**Rye Bread:** Yeah because Lian is my HUMAN baby. I can be as crazy as I want with her, that’s the perk about fatherhood.  
  
**Bagél:** okay and this is our animal baby. same principle  
  
**Rye Bread:** He’s a fleabag who drools everywhere and keeps stealing my socks. At least Lian is cute.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Idk man sounds to me like someone is jealous about the new boi  
  
**Rye Bread:** Oh yeah I’m super jealous that I don’t get to take care of a smelly animal every day.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** No I think you’re jealous that you’ve been replaced and it makes you an insecure manchild  
  
**Rye Bread:** Me?? Jealous of a DOG?? That’s the wildest accusation I’ve ever heard.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** So was Mr. Carr accusing me of spreading melted gummy bear gunk under all the cafeteria tables over spring break but was he correct? Yes, yes he was.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Think about it, you’re no longer the only man in Arty and Wally’s life anymore and that makes you worried so you’re projecting onto the dog because you secretly resent him for driving a wedge between you and these two lovely folks  
  
**Bagél:** aww don’t worry roy we could never replace you in a million years. you’re too important and unique  
  
**Crouton:** Even though you and Brucely both have the same taste in fashion  
  
**Bagél:** and you both like to eat peanut butter right off the spoon  
  
**Crouton:** And you require the same amount of care and attention when it comes to stuff like hygiene and making sure you don’t drink a whole bottle of mustard  
  
**Bagél:** okay we might have replaced you  
  
**Crouton:** But we could never love Brucely more than you Roy, just because our family expands doesn’t mean the love goes away it just grows bigger. Clifford taught me that  
  
**Rye Bread:** This is the most bizarre conversation I’ve had in a long time.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Acceptance is the first step Roy  
  
**Rye Bread:** I am NOT resentful of a dog. I’m a grown man.  
  
**Bagél:** a grown man with feelings <3  
  
**Rye Bread:** Look just because a dumb dog moved into my house without my consent and is taking up all of Artemis’ time and made you guys ditch movie night to take him to the beach and ate all of the toilet paper leaving me stranded for an hour until someone came home and thinks he’s better than me because he’s the favorite now doesn’t mean I’m JEALOUS of him.  
  
**Rye Bread:** Maybe it's actually you guys who are jealous of the dog ever thought of that??  
  
**Crouton:** I’m sure if you got to know Brucely you’d grow to love him  
  
**Rye Bread:** I’d rather marry a vampire.  
  
**Bagél:** yeah? so would everyone? if edward cullen showed up in real life I'd make him bite artemis that way I could have a hot immortal vampire wife you're not special  
  
**Rye Bread:** Fine whatever bad analogy but I still don't like the dog and I never will.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Better cover up Roy your denial is showing  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Arty** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 1** **  
** **09:52 EST**

**Zatanna:** hey ur and wally’s ship name should be warty  
  
**Arty:** Thanks this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen!  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, May 2** **  
** **14:18 EST**

**Zatanna:** okay fellas who here has the best ass? i’m courting a dude in his dms and need to go in for the kill with some tight jeans but don’t want to show him my own butt so which one of u has america’s ass primed for a photoshoot  
  
**Conner:** dick  
  
**Megan:** Dick does  
  
**Kaldur:** Dick.  
  
**Wally:** definitely dick  
  
**Dick:** Me  
  
**Zatanna:** prove it wonder boy let’s see the merchandise  
  
**Dick:** [image sent]  
  
**Dick:** I stole my stepmom’s yoga pants. You’re welcome  
  
**Zatanna:** wowie  
  
**Wally:** that really IS america’s ass  
  
**Raquel:** I’m gay but damn  
  
**Megan:** No joke Dick you should seriously consider modelling  
  
**Dick:** Oh trust me it’s on the list  
  
**Zatanna:** ur hired!  
  
**Dick:** Who’s the guy you’re texting?  
  
**Zatanna:** just someone i met on tiktok. i only want him for his cat so it won’t last long  
  
**Raquel:** T*kT*k is just discount Vine and I’m insulted you uttered its name in my presence  
  
**Zatanna:** i’d say fight me about it but looks like ur attention span is only six seconds anyway  
  
**Conner:** that escalated so fast my neck snapped killing me instantly  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, May 3** **  
** **20:16 EST**

**Steph:** [image sent]  
  
**Steph:** witness this foolishness folks. embrace it. learn from it  
  
**Bart:** this is child abuse and I’m suing you  
  
**Ed:** Wait what are we looking at the pic won’t load  
  
**Cassie:** That’s because you have a fucking Galaxy S2  
  
**Ed:** At least my phone won’t shatter with a light breeze  
  
**Cassie:** At least my phone actually works  
  
**Ed:** At least I’m not kneeling before Apple’s throne like a desperate servant hoping for breadcrumbs  
  
**Cassie:** YOUR DAD IS A FAMOUS SCIENTIST JUST GET A NEW PHONE ED  
  
**Ed:** I’M ATTACHED TO THIS ONE BECAUSE OBAMA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS THROWN IN THE TRASH FOR THE SAKE OF A GODDAMN UPDATE WITH 1% MORE DATA AND A SLIGHTLY LARGER SCREEN  
  
**Cassie:** I'LL BET IF YOU HAD AN IPHONE IT WOULDN'T HAVE AUTOCORRECTED OHAMA TO OBAMA  
  
**Ed:** MAYBE I MEANT TO TYPE OBAMA YOU DON'T KNOW ME YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE  
  
**Cassie:** ANYTHING WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT FROM THAT DINOSAUR YOU CARRY AROUND IN YOUR POCKET I WOULD SOONER RESORT TO A FLIP PHONE  
  
**Ed:** YOUR PHONE IS THINNER THAN A PAPER PLATE I’M SURPRISED IT DOESN’T CRACK WHEN YOU PLACE IT GENTLY ON A TABLE  
  
**Cassie:** JOKE’S ON YOU, IT _DOES_ CRACK WHEN YOU PLACE IT GENTLY ON A TABLE! CHECKMATE  
  
**Ed:** WHICH JUST PROVES MY POINT THAT SAMSUNG IS BETTER THAN APPLE!  
  
**Bart:** but you don’t even have a poop emoji on samsung so what’s the point  
  
**Ed:** Yes I do? ⮽⮽⮽  
  
**Bart:** that fucker does not count. android poop emoji is a psychopath and doesn’t carry the same passion that ios does and I’m insulted you thought they could be compared  
  
**Ed:** WHAT’S IN THE PIC THAT’S LITERALLY ALL I WANT TO KNOW  
  
**Bart:** IT’S ME WITH A SIGN AROUND MY NECK THAT SAYS “I THOUGHT RHODE ISLAND WAS NEXT TO VIRGINIA ON A MAP”  
  
**Ed:** HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHERE RHODE ISLAND IS YOU LIVE HERE  
  
**Bart:** I’M NOT A GEOGRAPHER OKAY I COULD HAVE SWORN RHODE ISLAND WAS PART OF KENTUCKY!!  
  
**Ed:** KENTUCKY IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STATE!!  
  
**Bart:** WHAT ARE YOU THE MAPMAKING POLICE??  
  
**Steph:** ed it’s not too late to jump ship now. if you ever wanna bundle all your possessions in a hobo sack along with several cans of beans and jump onto a train and ride the rails to your next adventure i’m right behind you  
  
**Ed:** Thanks Steph but I think I'm good for now, Bart's pretty dang cool. He really creams my corn. Really fres the shavocado. Really slaps the cheese  
  
**Steph:** i'd beg to differ but i'm too traumatized by those metaphors to focus  
  
**Bart:** steph your boyfriend once built a 100ft shaggy statue in minecraft and tried to marry it legally are you really in any place to be judging right now  
  
**Steph:** he really did do that didn’t he  
  
**Steph:** i love him so much :’)  
  
**Tim:** Plùs I hẳve an iPhoñe 16 because my dad’s ŕich so we get tŏ see the futūre before it’s ỉn the presễnt  
  
**Cassie:** Oooooh what’s the future like  
  
**Tim:** very grím. Thêre’s no tøilet papễr all hùmans are locked ịn their hỡmes ậnd everythíng is ỗn fire  
  
**Steph:** lmaooo can you imagine  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Monday, May 4** **  
** **03:51 EST**

**Conner:** dont have earplugs for when your eccentric neighbors are going at it while youre trying to watch the noon oclock news? worry no longer!  
  
**Conner:** simply go outside and catch a couple of fuzzy bees in your bare hand. make sure to squeeze gently like you would a lover that way they dont sting you in the palm and drop dead before they can reach their fate. take them inside and pop them in the freezer so their little bodies get too cold to function and fall asleep faster than you can say its finger lickin good  
  
**Conner:** then you take those fluffy bad boys and stick them in your ears, effectively blocking out your rowdy neighbors and serving as comfortable cushions that your eardrums can enjoy for days! or at least until the bees wake up  
  
**Raquel:** What the fuck  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Monday, May 4** **  
** **06:36 EST**

**Wally:** may the fourth be with you  
  
**Kaldur:** I believe you meant to type “force,” not “fourth.” But do not worry, it is a common mistake.  
  
**Wally:** no I meant fourth  
  
**Kaldur:** I have watched Star Wars multiple times. The quote is “may the force be with you” I am quite certain.  
  
**Wally:** kal. buddy. look at what day it is  
  
**Kaldur:** Monday?  
  
**Wally:** may 4th  
  
**Kaldur:** I don’t understand.  
  
**Wally:** give it a sec  
  
**Kaldur:** …  
  
**Kaldur:** OHHHHHH I understand now! This is a joke because today’s date sounds similar to the popular franchise quote, so it is altered to better represent the calendar date! That is very clever! I am going to tell that joke to everyone I see today. :)  
  
**Wally:** jhgfhjgh  
  
**Wally:** please never change kal  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Bitch In Law** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 6** **  
** **10:55 EST**

**Artemis:** What do you want  
  
**Bitch In Law:** World peace, five ponies, a new laptop, key to the city, maybe some cool ranch Doritos. Why?  
  
**Artemis:** I have a favor to ask you  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Make it two bags of Doritos.  
  
**Artemis:** I’ve got 20 bucks and puppy dog eyes does that count  
  
**Artemis:** More specifically I've got Brucely’s puppy dog eyes :)  
  
**Bitch In Law:** No.  
  
**Artemis:** Come onnnn do me this solid. Brucely is stuck in his cage all day while I’m at school and usually I play with him and let him run around when I get home but I have to go straight from school to work today because I’m taking extra hours to save up for an apartment which means I need you to watch Brucely until eight-ish tonight  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Can’t Wally do it? It’s his dog too anyway.  
  
**Artemis:** He has a track meet that’s going to run pretty late. Pun intended  
  
**Bitch In Law:** I'm not a dogsitter.  
  
**Artemis:** Pleeeeease?  
  
**Bitch In Law:** No.  
  
**Artemis:** PLEEEEEEEASE PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE WITH CUBES OF BARBECUED MEAT ON TOP?  
  
**Bitch In Law:** I don’t want to.  
  
**Artemis:** It’s not even a lot of work, all you have to do is feed him dinner and take him for a walk at 1:30 and then again at 6:00  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Ugh.  
  
**Artemis:** Is that a yes ugh or a no ugh. Please say it’s a yes ugh  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Ugh.  
  
**Bitch In Law:** Fine. But I’m not going to enjoy it.  
  
**Artemis:** T H A N K S  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 6** **  
** **12:12 EST**

**Raquel:** Dear diary who the fuck is this  
  
**Raquel:** [image sent]  
  
**Conner:** oh wow i look like a snacc in that picture  
  
**Kaldur:** Goodness gracious who is that? I have never seen that man before in my life.  
  
**Conner:** ?  
  
**Artemis:** Is it a new student?? Funny he looks so much like Conner but there’s no way it could be him  
  
**Conner:** its me  
  
**Roy:** Does Conner have a clone I don’t know about?  
  
**Conner:** bitch im the clone  
  
**Raquel:** So strange, one would almost think it’s actually Conner but that’s impossible because the Conner Kent I know only wears fifty different versions of the same exact shirt so this must be an impostor  
  
**Conner:** ohhh i get it  
  
**Conner:** yeah i wore a red tshirt today because i wanted to try something new  
  
**Kaldur:** Do not cover for your identity thief, Conner; clearly that is an evil twin trying to sully your good name.  
  
**Conner:** this explains why dick wouldnt talk to me today  
  
**Conner:** and why when i tried to sit next to megan at lunch she said the seat was reserved for her boyfriend  
  
**Roy:** I can’t believe Conner has a clone roaming around the world named Cenner Kont what a wild revelation.  
  
**Raquel:** Or maybe Conner has been Cenner Kont’s clone all along and Cenner wears t-shirts of every color of the rainbow like a gay unit but Conner just wears black because he’s defective and emo  
  
**Artemis:** I’ll bet Cenner is a blond and Conner has just been dyeing his hair black this whole time  
  
**Raquel:** DUN DUN DUNNNNN  
  
**Conner:** fine fine i get the message ill sneak into the art room next period and paint my shirt black  
  
**Raquel:** Good idea. Emerge a star once again  
  
**Roy:** Are we all just going to ignore that Conner called himself a snacc or did I hallucinate that.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 6** **  
** **13:57 EST**

**Rye Bread:** Your dog is broken.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Scooby Doo?  
  
**Rye Bread:** No.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** So we’re talking about Scrappy Doo then  
  
**Rye Bread:** Why would I be talking about Scrappy Doo?  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Why WOULDN’T you be talking about Scrappy Doo  
  
**Rye Wonder:** I’m talking about Brucely. He’s broken.  
  
**Bagél:** artemiiiiiiiis roy broke our dog can I sue him  
  
**Rye Bread:** I didn’t break him, he’s just broken.  
  
**Bagél:** how can a dog be broken??  
  
**Rye Bread:** He keeps staring at me.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Show us  
  
**Rye Bread:** [image sent]  
  
**Bagél:** aww he’s doing the big ol eyes thing he’s so cute <3<3<3 that means he wants you to pet him  
  
**Rye Bread:** Why?  
  
**Bagél:** because he’s a dog? have you really never had a pet before  
  
**Rye Bread:** For a month when I was thirteen I had a rattlesnake that Oliver brought me from one of his trips but she bit an animal control guy so we had to give her away does that count?  
  
**Bagél:** uhhh no not really  
  
**Rye Bread:** The dog just sneezed on me.  
  
**Crouton:** That means he likes you  
  
**Rye Bread:** I don’t WANT him to like me. I want us to be distant acquaintances at best.  
  
**Crouton:** You’re really dedicated to this jealousy thing huh  
  
**Rye Bread:** IT’S NOT JEALOUSY!  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Roy don’t you live in the same house with this pupper? How can you be this bad at interacting with him  
  
**Rye Bread:** Artemis and Wally are the ones who take care of him, I just ignore him and occasionally feed him pieces from Artemis’ breakfast whenever she isn’t looking.  
  
**Crouton:** THAT WAS YOU??  
  
**Wonder Bread:** “Local Man Has Literal Human Daughter But Can’t Take Care Of A Pit Bull For Some Reason”  
  
**Rye Bread:** That’s totally different! Lian is cute and I love her, plus she’s my actual flesh and blood. This is a dog that I didn’t invite into my house but who’s staying here anyway.  
  
**Bagél:** he’s a cute burglar though you can’t deny it  
  
**Rye Bread:** Eh.  
  
**Crouton:** Roy you’ve got the next six hours to spend quality time with Brucely. Can’t you at least try to bond with him?  
  
**Rye Bread:** No because he’s not my dog.  
  
**Crouton:** He’s your nephew  
  
**Rye Bread:** He’s NOT my nephew, he’s not even that cute.  
  
**Bagél:** *GASP*  
  
**Wonder Bread:** *GASP!*  
  
**Crouton:** *GASP*  
  
**Bagél:** you shut your dirty mouth brucely is an adorable ANGEL and we’re just lucky to be in his presence  
  
**Rye Bread:** I have no emotional attachment to this dog and I never will so get used to it.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** Keep telling yourself that pal  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 6** **  
** **17:20 EST**

**Rye Bread:** I’M ATTACHED.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** That was fast  
  
**Rye Bread:** I TURNED ON SOME GLEE RERUNS AND THIS BUMBLING CREATURE WADDLED OVER AND USED MY LAP AS A PILLOW AND WE SHARED A BOWL OF RAISIN BRAN.  
  
**Rye Bread:** I LOVE THIS DOG. I’M PUTTING HIM IN MY WILL. HE IS THE GREATEST THING THAT’S HAPPENED TO ME SINCE LIAN AND I WOULD DIE FOR MY NEW FURRY NEPHEW.  
  
**Wonder Bread:** And another one gone and another one gone, another one bites the dust  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Jaybird** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 8** **  
** **13:41 EST**

**Dick:** Jay I need you to facetime me right now, Cassie challenged Kaldur to a song competition in gsa and now they’re doing a rendition of the Shrek version of I Need a Hero and it’s amazing and you need to witness it  
  
**Jaybird:** sorry I would but I can’t find my phone  
  
**Dick:** Okay tell me when you find it  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Jaybird** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 8** **  
** **13:52 EST**

**Dick:** You know you’re killing me right? You’re killing your brother  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Kaldur**  
  
**Sunday, May 10** **  
** **08:25 EST**

**Bart:** happy mother’s day kaldur!!!!! <3  
  
**Kaldur:** Ex...Excuse me?  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Cassie > Kaldur**  
  
**Sunday, May 10** **  
** **08:31 EST**

**Cassie:** Happy Mother’s Day sir...love you :)  
  
**Kaldur:** ???  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Violet > Kaldur**  
  
**Sunday, May 10** **  
** **08:33 EST**

**Violet:** Happy Mother’s Day to our wonderful mother! :^D  
  
**Kaldur:** I am so confused.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Tim > Kaldur**  
  
**Sunday, May 10** **  
** **08:46 EST**

**Tim:** Momther?..  
  
**Kaldur:** STOP.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Garfield > Kaldur**  
  
**Sunday, May 10** **  
** **08:54 EST**

**Garfield:** happy mother’s day! :D  
  
**Kaldur:** WHY ARE YOU ALL DOING THIS TO ME I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER I AM BARELY EVEN A TEENAGER.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Steph > Kaldur**  
  
**Sunday, May 10** **  
** **08:58 EST**

**Steph:** hi mommy <3  
  
**Kaldur:** Why me?? Why couldn’t you all go and harass someone else today??  
  
**Steph:** you hate ur babies? :’(  
  
**Steph:** mom how could you do this to us...your own children...your lil ducklings...you've forsaken your tiny offspring  
  
**Kaldur:** I did not sign up for this.  
  
**Steph:** motherhood is not a volunteer sport kalmom you should have learned this by now  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie  
  
****Sunday, May 10  
15:29 EST  
  
  
  
Wally: **what if.. our ship name.. was warty.... haha jkjk..... unless?  
  
**Blondie:** I'm going to murder Zatanna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Kaldur is Captain Holt does that mean Roy is Kevin? And I guess that makes Lian Cheddar which is honestly pretty dang accurate.
> 
> And yes I put boxes instead of actual poop emojis because I hate the way colorful emojis look in fics and would sooner die than put one here so instead you get boxes.


	30. Google Search: how to survive in the wild for dummies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom queen nominations are announced, the freshmen go camping, and Bart is sacrificed to the skeleton god.

**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Wednesday, May 13** **  
****13:20 EST**

**Megan:** What if every time you did something embarrassing it took five minutes off your life   
  
**Conner:** that depends, do you have to be bothered by the embarrassing thing or does it not count if you just dont care   
  
**Megan:** You have to care at least a little bit   
  
**Conner:** i would live long and prosper   
  
**Zatanna:** i’d lose a solid decade   
  
**Kaldur:** I would have a significantly shorter lifespan.   
  
**Roy:** I would be fucking dead.   
  
**Raquel:** I think the incident this morning when my teacher wished me luck on the quiz and I said you too took off at LEAST eleven years maybe more   
  
**Wally:** I wouldn’t even have been born with how far that would go back, if anything I’d end up with negative life   
  
**Dick:** Ooooh like anti-life   
  
**Conner:** whats anti life   
  
**Wally:** baking soda + vinegar - world peace x hope ÷ feet kink = death   
  
**Megan:** Science is so fascinating   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
****  
****Thursday, May 14** **  
****06:11 EST**

**Zatanna:** [image sent]  
  
 **Zatanna:** felt cute might delete later :3  
  
 **Megan:** …………………….why are you wearing a shrek costume  
  
 **Zatanna:** oh this old thing? it’s vogue’s latest trend what do u think  
  
 **Dick:** Please tell me you’re wearing that to school today please please please please  
  
 **Zatanna:** if u must know, i’ve made the executive decision that it’s my duty as a student to test the boundaries of our school’s dress code. ever since mr. savage busted me for having exposed shoulders i’ve craved revenge more than wally craves affection  
  
 **Wally:** wow that’s a lot  
  
 **Zatanna:** so this shrek look is not only for the purpose of making me look like an absolute snacc™, but to show the powers that be that i would sooner be roasted over a campfire than conform to their stupid old man rules  
  
 **Megan:** Zee you’re an icon and I wish I was as brave as you  
  
 **Zatanna:** thank u citizen  
  
 **Zatanna:** try busting me now dress code police  
  
 **Zatanna:** [image sent]  
  
 **Zatanna:** [image sent]  
  
 **Wally:** oh no is that an exposed ANKLE I see??? repent to jesus, whore  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Friday, May 15** **  
****14:27 EST**

**Kaldur:** What is everyone planning on majoring in when they get to college?   
  
**Cassie:** Respecting women   
  
**Steph:** batman   
  
**Violet:** What’s a batman?   
  
**Steph:** idk just a random word i made it up   
  
**Garfield:** minecraft   
  
**Ed:** Fuckin weed   
  
**Bart:** w   
  
**Tim:** Criminal justice and psychology   
  
**Traci:** Minecraft   
  
**Jaime:** Minecraft as well.   
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you, younger generation. The future looks bright as ever.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Friday, May 15** **  
****16:19 EST**

**Wally:** I’m a genius   
  
**Artemis:** Just keep scrolling everyone, nothing to see here   
  
**Wally:** SHUT UP THIS IS IMPORTANT!!   
  
**Wally:** I...   
  
**Wally:** am a genius   
  
**Wally:** a philosopher   
  
**Wally:** a revolutionary you might say   
  
**Artemis:** Ignore him please   
  
**Wally:** you’re just jealous that you didn’t think of it first   
  
**Artemis:** I assure you I’m not   
  
**Wally:** anyways gather round duckies!! witness my sermon   
  
**Artemis:** It’s not even that great guys trust me   
  
**Wally:** don’t you have children’s sandcastles to kick over or something?   
  
**Kaldur:** What is it Wally?   
  
**Wally:** I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED KALPURNIA   
  
**Megan:** Hi Artemis! How’d your history presentation go?   
  
**Artemis:** It was awesome, the teacher gave me an extra six points just for the disco music   
  
**Wally:** oh to be overshadowed,,, to be treated like a second class citizen in this place,, mine own house,,, the disrespect. the audacity. the INJUSTICE... I will cry   
  
**Megan:** Hi Wally :)   
  
**Wally:** hi megan!! <3 you’ve been forgiven   
  
**Wally:** okay so here’s the sitch bitches, artemis and I are at the beach and it was on this most sacred of sand dunes that I came up with the GREATEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE   
  
**Artemis:** Now that’s a stretch. I’d rate it somewhere between the discovery of fire and when Freddie Mercury went for the mustache   
  
**Kaldur:** Is that high?   
  
**Artemis:** Depends on who you ask   
  
**Conner:** get to the point wally   
  
**Wally:** okay well to artemis me = baywatch, and to me artemis = bae but right now we’re at the beach which would make her BAEWATCH :D   
  
**Megan:** ...Is that it?   
  
**Wally:** yeah   
  
**Megan:** Oh   
  
**Roy:** I know I failed math and all but I’m pretty sure that equation’s not right.   
  
**Wally:** just laugh at my joke that’s all I ask   
  
**Roy:** Ha. Ha. Ha.   
  
**Wally:** I appreciate the effort! gold star for you glen coco   
  
**Zatanna:** dudes i’m here at the beach rn too that’s so wild!!   
  
**Artemis:** Really? We didn’t see you   
  
**Zatanna:** look all the way to the left i’m waving at u. i’m the one under the huge umbrella bc skin cancer is for chumps   
  
**Artemis:** Wally look it’s someone who hides from the sun more than you do it’s a miracle   
  
**Wally:** hey now it’s not my fault I’m paler than a raw chicken breast and that the sun has a personal vendetta against me okay what am I supposed to do just stand out there in the sunlight all vulnerable and get burnt up to a crisp with weird binder tan lines huh is that it??? is that what you want????   
  
**Dick:** Awww he said tan lines that’s so cute. Walls I think you mean lobster-red-charred-flesh lines   
  
**Wally:** I could tan if I wanted to!!   
  
**Wally:** I just. don’t want to right now   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Friday, May 15** **  
****18:45 EST**

**Megan:** Hey everyone guess what guess what!!!!   
  
**Raquel:** You discovered the secret to eternal life?? Because I did too, the trick is chugging nine cups of olive oil every morning   
  
**Megan:** Nope but that's interesting  
  
 **Megan:** I was nominated for prom queen!!!!   
  
**Raquel:** THAT’S SO MUCH COOLER THAN MY THING OH MY GOD   
  
**Kaldur:** We are so happy for you Megan!!!   
  
**Zatanna:** FUCK YEAH THAT’S MY GIRL   
  
**Conner:** proud of you meg! <3   
  
**Artemis:** Wish I could say I’m surprised, but let’s be real here that would be a total lie. You’re the bomb diggity Megs and the world knows it   
  
**Dick:** Do you know who else is running yet?   
  
**Megan:** I think it’s just me, That B*tch Madison, Jessica Cruz (she's the shy girl from art class), and Shimmer   
  
**Dick:** Hmmm I think you should check again   
  
**Megan:** Why? I saw the list earlier on the school website it was just us four   
  
**Dick:** Are you sure? :) Maybe you should check again :)   
  
**Wally:** oh no   
  
**Wally:** what did you do gremlin boy   
  
**Dick:** :)   
  
**Megan:** Dick I really don’t know what you’re talking about I’m looking at the list now and it’s just the four of   
  
**Dick:** :)   
  
**Megan:** Wait a second   
  
**Dick:** :) :) :)   
  
**Megan:** You didn’t   
  
**Dick:** I did   
  
**Raquel:** What? What did he do?   
  
**Megan:** He nominated himself for prom queen   
  
**Zatanna:** come again??   
  
**Conner:** can you even do that   
  
**Dick:** Oh and why shouldn’t I get to be queen, is it because I’m a BOY? That’s awfully closed-minded of you Mr. Kent I expected better of you   
  
**Artemis:** I think he means because you illegally hacked your way into the race   
  
**Dick:** What’s the harm in a little healthy competition between princesses?   
  
**Wally:** but why would you even WANT to be prom queen? you’re a junior this year so the odds are already against you   
  
**Dick:** I’m in it for the tiara   
  
**Conner:** cant you just buy one yourself? youre richer than all of us combined   
  
**Dick:** WHY CAN’T YOU GUYS JUST SUPPORT ME IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK   
  
**Megan:** I support you Dick!! Even though I think what you’re doing is a little strange and super duper unethical but who am I to judge   
  
**Dick:** Thank you Megan I support you too <3   
  
**Dick:** May the best queen win   
  
**Megan:** I plan to (◡‿◡✿)   
  
**Artemis:** Well shit I guess the plot is…...oatmeal   
  
**Zatanna:** oatmeal?   
  
**Artemis:** Thicc™   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 16** **  
****17:16 EST**

**Garfield:** I wanna go camping  
  
 **Cassie:** Then go camping  
  
 **Garfield:** I can’t  
  
 **Cassie:** Why not?  
  
 **Garfield:** because according to my sister I can’t be trusted not to bring a forest critter back with me so I’m banned from all unsupervised wilderness fun  
  
 **Jaime:** Then go camping in a garbage dump, that’s what Tye and I do and it’s great once you get over the bugs and the stench of freshly-steamed garbage.  
  
 **Garfield:** sounds gross  
  
 **Traci:** You can always camp in your backyard  
  
 **Garfield:** that’s no fun, I wanna be out amongst the elements surrounded by nature with nothing but the clothes on my back and a kitchen knife to hunt with  
  
 **Bart:** aren’t you a vegan?  
  
 **Garfield:** I’ll hunt for nuts and berries  
  
 **Tim:** Yoú should go càmping in my backyầrd then, it’s huge añd plus Bruce doesn’t çare what we do out thễre so long as we dợn’t blow anything üp or get sued  
  
 **Ed:** The bar’s really that low? Lucky  
  
 **Tim:** I knôw right it’ś so restrïcting  
  
 **Violet:** I would like to go camping too!! I am very good at surviving in the wild.  
  
 **Violet:** Once I was playing hide and seek with my cousin and decided to hide in the woods a block away from my house. It took them three days to find me and in that time I lived only on river water, berries, and the kindness of animals.  
  
 **Violet:** It was thrilling.  
  
 **Steph:** violet how do i be more like you please what are the secrets  
  
 **Violet:** Faith, trust, and pixie ashes.  
  
 **Ed:** Don’t you mean pixie dust  
  
 **Violet:** No. =^)   
  
**Bart:** I wanna come camping with you guys!!!!   
  
**Traci:** Yeah me too there’s no way I’m missing out on this wildlife adventure  
  
 **Garfield:** we should do it tonight and see how long we can survive with no help from civilization  
  
 **Ed:** YES  
  
 **Steph:** can i bring s’mores  
  
 **Bart:** of course not we’re supposed to be survivalists here remember  
  
 **Bart:** nothing but our clothes, some weapons, and my gummy vitamins  
  
 **Ed:** Why gummy vitamins  
  
 **Bart:** would you like my body to deteriorate and turn into gelatin eduardo??  
  
 **Tim:** I asked Ālfred if we can dŏ it and he said yểs as long as we dờn’t die  
  
 **Cassie:** Yeahhh I can’t promise that sorry  
  
 **Cassie:** If we get close to starvation I’m definitely eating Tim first  
  
 **Tim:** why mể???  
  
 **Cassie:** Because you’re thin and chewy like a chicken wing  
  
 **Tim:** Yeah wẽll you can’t eat ḿe if i eat yoǔ first so THƎRE  
  
 **Steph:** i wanna eat eddie!! not for any reason, i just think he’d taste good  
  
 **Ed:** I don’t know what to say to that  
  
 **Jaime:** I think I’m gonna eat Steph first, then Violet, then Cassie in that order. And Traci will be dessert.  
  
 **Traci:** Aww I always knew I was sweet <3  
  
 **Garfield:** *is very afraid of Jaime now*  
  
 **Cassie:** *makes plans to eat jaime first before he can eat me*  
  
 **Ed:** This is the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had the displeasure of being a part of  
  
 **Kaldur:** Now you know how I feel.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Wallman** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 16** **  
****20:29 EST**

**Dick:** They’re in my backyard   
  
**Wallman:** who?   
  
**Dick:** The gay youngsters   
  
**Wallman:** all of them?   
  
**Dick:** Yeah   
  
**Wallman:** what are they doing in your backyard   
  
**Dick:** I think they’re camping   
  
**Wallman:** camping?   
  
**Dick:** Yeah it’s weird   
  
**Wallman:** super weird   
  
**Dick:** I think we should take advantage of this opportunity   
  
**Wallman:** and mess with them?   
  
**Dick:** I swear dude it’s like you’re literally inside my brain   
  
**Wallman:** yeah I’ve been trapped in here for a while. very disturbing. lots of naked harry styles everywhere   
  
**Dick:** I’ll have Alfie make us popcorn, you call whoever’s available for an impromptu slumber party   
  
**Wallman:** rallying the troops now captain   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Garfield Logan** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 16** **  
****20:35 EST**

**Google Search:** **  
****  
\- how to start a fire with sticks  
** **  
****\- how to start a fire with rocks** **  
****  
****\- i just cut my finger on a rock will i die if it gets infected** **  
****  
****\- how to start a fire with a rusty nail i found** **  
****  
****\- how to keep a fire from going out  
  
\- THE FIRE KEEPS GOING OUT  
  
\- fire isn't going out but now it's too powerful help** **  
****  
****\- my friend’s shoe is on fire what should i do** **  
****  
****\- how to treat first degree burns of the big toe variety** **  
****  
****\- how to survive in the wild for dummies** **  
****  
  
**

* * *

**  
**  
**Conner > Dick** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 16** **  
****20:43 EST**

**Conner:** whats this i hear about the freshmen camping in your backyard??   
  
**Dick:** Yeah they’re trying to be survivalists or something it’s hilarious. Wanna come over and watch?   
  
**Conner:** cant im babysitting jon tonight while my dad and lois are doing an anniversary thing. make sure to keep me updated though   
  
**Dick:** Oh definitely   
  
**Dick:** Right now they’ve been trying to catch a grasshopper for the past ten minutes. I almost feel bad for the little guys   
  
**Conner:** you should tell them they gotta throw it off its rhythm   
  
**Dick:** Lmao   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Dickie** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 16** **  
****21:04 EST**

**Zatanna:** hey where did u go i thought u were in the bathroom   
  
**Dickie:** Took a detour, my sister is making an apocalypse in minecraft and I wanted to watch   
  
**Dickie:** What did I miss?   
  
**Zatanna:** well the critters built a tent out of a deflated kiddie pool and now they’re trying to climb an oak tree for coconuts. i got video it’s the funniest thing i’ve ever seen, they're like babies   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bruce > Tim** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 16** **  
****23:27 EST**

**Bruce:** What’s all that ruckus I’m hearing outside?   
  
**Tim:** Dǃd you really jůst say the wořd ruckus to mệ in this day and ẫge   
  
**Bruce:** You’re dodging the question.   
  
**Tim:** wwẹ’re just hửnting for foød don’t worry abôut it   
  
**Bruce:** Why??? There is a pantry full of food in the kitchen.   
  
**Tim:** Becãuse we’rë survivving in the wíld keep up ổld man   
  
**Bruce:** You just spelled a word wrong. Who are you and what did you do with my son.   
  
**Tim:** Yềahh i think the stảrvation is gệtting to me nő biggie   
  
**Bruce:** We just had dinner a few hours ago?   
  
**Tim:** Mįght be the bloŏd loss then whō knows   
  
**Bruce:** _Blood loss??_   
  
**Tim:** jáime and I were tryiñg to catch à possum and it bït me but it’s totẳlly okay, Violet patchếd me up with sỡme moss they foùnd and now thêy’ve got me tied to the swiñg set in căse I go rabid   
  
**Tim:** Bưt it’s ẩll good   
  
**Bruce:** Oh my god. I knew I should have adopted monkeys instead of children. What was I thinking.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Sunday, May 17** **  
****01:35 EST**

**Artemis:** Don’t tell me that’s a thunderstorm I’m hearing outside   
  
**Dick:** The youngsters are freaking OUT Mis it’s so great, they’re like the rats in ratatouille scampering around all panicked trying to protect their campfire from the rain while Wally, Zee, Megan, and I are sipping hot chocolate sheltered by the protective warmth of our patio   
  
**Artemis:** Why are they doing this again?   
  
**Dick:** Beats me but I’m just grateful they are. This is the most fun I’ve had in a while   
  
**Dick:** Earlier they were digging for potatoes in the garden so while they were distracted getting chased by a coyote on the edge of the property Megan and I buried a fake skeleton in the hole they were digging in   
  
**Dick:** They put him on the tire swing and made him a flower crown. I think he’s their god now   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Wally** **  
****  
****Sunday, May 17** **  
****03:14 EST**

**Megan:** Are you and Zatanna finished with the snacks yet?   
  
**Wally:** hold your horses megster, you can’t rush perfection when it comes to peanut butter/fruit roll-up sushi   
  
**Megan:** Okay well the freshmen have tied Bart up with a jump rope and are trying to hang him over the fire as a sacrifice to their skeleton leader and I don’t know if I should be concerned yet or not   
  
**Wally:** depends on what bart is doing   
  
**Megan:** Mostly yodeling church hymns   
  
**Wally:** he’ll be fine just let the shenanigans run their course   
  
**Megan:** Please hurry I think they’ve domesticated the coyote   
  
**Megan:** They’re covering Bart in barbecue sauce now oh no   
  
**Megan:** Wally they’re chanting   
  
**Megan:** Wally   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Sunday, May 17** **  
****06:26 EST**

**Zatanna:** man i love having sleepovers at rich people’s houses   
  
**Zatanna:** alfred made us homemade waffles shaped like captain america shields for breakfast. u can really taste the heroism   
  
**Roy:** Why would they put heroin in pancakes?   
  
  


* * *

**  
****  
****Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
****  
****Sunday, May 17** **  
****09:50 EST**

**Bruce:** Would anyone care to explain why the steak I put in the fridge last night is now missing?   
  
**Jaybird:** not it   
  
**Cass:** :/   
  
**Dickish:** Oh yeah forgot to tell you, the tribe of kiddos snuck into the kitchen last night to scavenge for food like vengeful raccoons under the blanket of nightfall   
  
**Purple Ninja:** that’s exactly what happened   
  
**Purple Ninja:** we also scavenged some candy for the road because ed wouldn’t stop complaining about low blood sugar   
  
**Bruce:** Where are you all now?   
  
**Purple Ninja:** we got cold once the rain put our fire out and then we heard a werewolf growling next door so to avoid getting eaten we took our skellie overlord and our new coyote friend and went to cassie’s house for breakfast burritos   
  
**YUMMMMM:** You fǒrgot somẻthing btw   
  
**Purple Ninja:** no we didn’t   
  
**YUMMMMM:** rễally? You don’t thïnk that there might bê a very impōrtant detail you all fǒrgot about when yoǔ left?   
  
**Purple Ninja:** nope we have skeleton man and the coyote so we’re good   
  
**YUMMMMM:** EXCƎPT THǍT YƠU LEFT ME TIEĐ TO THE SWINĢ SET   
  
**YUMMMMM:** BIŘDS ARE MĄKING A NĖST IN MY HĂIR   
  
**Purple Ninja:** ohhhhh that actually makes a lot of sense because i was wondering why it’s been so quiet this morning. sorry honey we really dropped the ball there huh   
  
**Purple Ninja:** our bad   
  
**YUMMMMM:** CŌME SAVE MƐ THERE’S ŞPIDERS OŮT HERỆ   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
****  
****Monday, May 18** **  
****12:07 EST**

**  
****  
****Rye Bread:** Throwback Monday! Remember when Dick wore braces and had a stutter because I SURE DO.   
  
**Crouton:** You’re lying to me right now   
  
**Rye Bread:** [image sent]   
  
**Crouton:** Oh my GOD he’s not lying   
  
**Bagél:** ahhh the good old days   
  
**Crouton:** He looks so cute and innocent what the fuck?   
  
**Crouton:** Dick what happened to you   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Roy I’m gonna shatter your kneecaps with a toothbrush   
  
**Rye Bread:** Oh no I’m quaking in my custom baby seal leather boots.   
  
**Rye Bread:** You guys want to see when he was 12 and dressed up as Darla from Finding Nemo for Halloween?   
  
**Rye Bread:** [image sent]   
  
**Wonder Bread:** IS THIS REVENGE FOR REPLACING ALL OF THE MUSIC IN YOUR PHONE WITH RICK ASTLEY’S NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP BECAUSE THIS IS JUST CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT   
  
**Bagél:** you really did that?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Yeah I have a link to the website I used to hack in to his phone wanna check it out?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** [link sent]   
  
**Bagél:** …………..I don’t know what I expected   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Rocky** **  
****  
****Wednesday, May 20** **  
****02:46 EST**

**Zatanna:** hey if u have a vore fetish do u get off on eating sour patch kids   
  
**Rocky:** It’s times like this when I envy the dinosaurs who were wiped out so easily with a giant fucking meteor while I’m stuck alive and reading sentences like that   
  
**Zatanna:** ur just mad bc i have galaxy brain   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Zatanna > Rocky** **  
****  
****Wednesday, May 20** **  
****03:07 EST**

**Zatanna:** hey if u have a vore/furry fetish do u get off on eating animal crackers   
  
**Rocky:** GO TO BED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sister and I just started watching season six of The Flash last night because it's on Netflix now and the great part is that we didn't watch the last half of season five or the first half of season six so it's literally just from Crisis on, and it's awesome because we have no idea what's going on but I refuse to watch the season five finale because I'm salty.
> 
> Also who do you think would win in a fight: the coyote or the skeleton god because I'm betting on the latter since bones can double as weapons so there.


	31. Sir Those Are My Emotional Support Headless Barbies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conner still doesn't know what he wants to do after graduation, Traci gets kidnapped, and the freshmen learn more about Tornado than they ever wanted to know.

******Ed > Virgil** **  
****  
****Thursday, May 21** **  
****18:32 EST**

**Ed:** [image sent]   
  
**Ed:** LOOK LOOK LOOK BART FELL ASLEEP ON MY SHOULDER DURING AN AVENGERS MARATHON AND HIS SHAMPOO SMELLS GOOD AND HE’S?? SO FUCKING CUTE I WANNA CRY?? LIKE??? WHO AUTHORIZED THIS??? MALDITO DIOS THIS SHOULD BE I L L E G A L   
  
**Virgil:** Man I’ve gotta get a girlfriend  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Conner <3** **  
****  
****Friday, May 22** **  
****12:18 EST**

**Megan:** How did the meeting with your guidance counselor go?  
  
 **Conner <3: **fine  
  
 **Megan:** Did she give you any info about late college admissions? Or maybe strategies to get ready for the spring semester if you want to start late?  
  
 **Conner <3: **yeah she told me about some stuff  
  
 **Megan:** And???  
  
 **Conner <3: **nothing i was really excited about. she kept talking about potential colleges and the majors they have but...i dunno  
  
 **Conner <3: **nothing felt like it would fit  
  
 **Megan:** That’s okay, you still have time  
  
 **Conner <3: **do i really though? graduation is next month and i still have no idea what i want to do for the next four years of my life  
  
 **Megan:** You’ll figure it out eventually  
  
 **Conner <3: **but what if i dont? what if i end up as some deadbeat fixing motorcycles forever?  
  
 **Megan:** Would that really be so bad? I’ve never seen you more level headed than when you’re fixing up a bike, and anyone can tell that you know your stuff when it comes to engines. If you want that to be your career or if it’s just something to make money until you figure out what you really want, both of those options are perfectly okay  
  
 **Conner <3: **pretty sure youre the only one who thinks that  
  
 **Megan:** Maybe I’m just smarter than everyone else  
  
 **Conner <3: **it just feels like im letting everyone down by not knowing what i want. like theyre all waiting for me to fail  
  
 **Megan:** Who could you possibly be letting down? I’m proud of you and so is everyone else, and we’ll keep being proud of you no matter what you choose as long as you’re happy with it  
  
 **Conner <3: **yeah but look at my parents. my dad is a great reporter and lois is probably the most famous reporter in the whole world, and my other dad is a billionaire who owns like ten companies and throws away money like its nothing  
  
 **Conner <3: **and then theres me  
  
 **Megan:** And you are absolutely amazing just the way you are  
  
 **Conner <3: **you say that now, but what about five years from now? or ten years? what if i never find something im passionate about, never go to college, and never become more than a small town guy with no dreams and nothing to show for it  
  
 **Megan:** You don’t need to be a famous reporter or a rich jerk to be successful, you just need to be yourself. I love you the way you are and whatever the future holds for you won’t change that  
  
 **Conner <3: **i just dont want my entire future to depend on my college career  
  
 **Megan:** It won’t. Trust me, four years of your life won’t change the rest of it if you don’t want it to. Plenty of people never go to college and still have wonderful lives filled with success and happiness  
  
 **Megan:** Trust me Conner, you’re a good person with a smart brain. You’ll figure out what you want sooner or later, and even if you don’t, that’s what living is FOR. You get to experience things. You get to change your mind as many times as you want because it’s YOUR life, no one else’s  
  
 **Megan:** So what if you don’t think college is for you? You’re doing just fine with your mechanic business. Maybe you’ll get a job at a real garage, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll wake up one day and realize you want to own a vegan restaurant, maybe you won’t. Heck, I don’t even know what I really want yet whether that’s owning a bakery or becoming a psychologist or a guidance counselor or the president of the United States  
  
 **Megan:** What I do know is that I want to go to college while I figure it out, and that’s perfectly okay  
  
 **Megan:** Whatever you want to do with your future is up to you. And any choice you make will be the right one because I know for a fact that you, Conner Kent, are going to be okay no matter what  
  
 **Megan:** Okay?  
  
 **Conner <3: **ok  
  
 **Megan:** Think about what your guidance counselor told you, and use the time we still have before graduation to decide if college is for you or if you’d rather pick your own path. I know it’ll all come together eventually  
  
 **Conner <3: **you should seriously consider becoming a life coach. or an inspirational speaker. youre good at it  
  
 **Megan:** The future’s an open road baby ;)  
  
 **Megan:** Now what do you say to helping me hang up some of my campaign posters while we wait for GSA to start? I want every hallway in the school to have my face on it  
  
 **Conner <3: **youre taking this prom queen race way more seriously than i thought you would. its kind of hot  
  
 **Megan:** I want that tiara and I will bulldoze anyone in my path to get it >:|  
  
 **Conner <3: **ive never been more attracted to you  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
****  
****Friday, May 22** **  
****19:53 EST**

**Artemis:** Babe…I’m pregnant   
  
**Baywatch:** OH MY GOD WHAT   
  
**Artemis:** Kjdkjhfdjk dude I’m obviously joking what is wrong with you   
  
**Baywatch:** YOU CAN’T JUST PLAY WITH A MAN’S EMOTIONS LIKE THAT ARTEMIS!! WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG TOGETHER SO ANYTHING ELSE IS FAIR GAME NOW   
  
**Baywatch:** jesus fucking christ I think one of my blood vessels just exploded   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 23** **  
****12:10 EST**

**Garfield:** just got bitten by a spider while feeding the family of rats that lives under my porch so I’m happy to announce that I will be getting super spidey powers soon!!   
  
**Garfield:** or I will be passing away   
  
**Garfield:** we’ll see   
  
**Jaime:** Holy moley I can’t believe I’m friends with the real Spiderman! What’s it like crawling around on eight legs and laying eggs in places?   
  
**Garfield:** it’s a lonely world for us spiderpeople but I’m happy to serve my city and its people   
  
**Cassie:** Fuck yeah Tom Holland who?? I only know Garfield Logan and he’s all the spider we need   
  
**Tim:** Idk abõut the rest of ƴou houseflies bűt if I were a supərhero i’d be Thỏr because likề him I’m also frĭends with a buñch of lesbians   
  
**Traci:** Yeah   
  
**Cassie:** Yeah   
  
**Steph:** cass and i say yeah   
  
**Jaime:** Someone do it. Someone add our lesbian queen.   
  
**Cassandra Sandsmark has added Cissie King-Jones to the conversation.** **  
****  
****Cissie:** uhh hi?   
  
**Jaime:** Hi Cissie! **  
****  
****Cissie:** what am I doing here   
  
**Traci:** We need you to say yeah   
  
**Cissie:** why?   
  
**Traci:** Just do it   
  
**Cissie:** yeah   
  
**Jaime:** Thank you for your service.   
  
**Cassie:** Bye babe!!   
  
**Cissie:** wait—   
  
**Cassandra Sandsmark has removed Cissie King-Jones from the conversation.** **  
****  
****Jaime:** There goes a hero...she’ll live forever in our hearts. **  
****  
****Tim:** I míss hệr alreẵdy :’(   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Spill The Tea Sis** **  
****  
****Saturday, May 23** **  
****18:37 EST**

**Chamomile:** if u had a genie and 3 wishes what would u wish for   
  
**Lemonade:** World peace, a cure for every disease ever, and for the McDonald’s clown to die a grotesque death   
  
**One Black Coffee:** I want money, to know the answer to every question someone asks me that way I can win even MORE money on game shows, and a bottomless package of mini peanut butter cups   
  
**Hot Chocolate:** I would wish for the ocean to be totally clear that way we can see all the way down to the abyss and the creatures it’s hiding, for fire immunity, and for my cat to talk that way she can tell me what the fuck she did with my makeup brush   
  
**Chamomile:** neat!   
  
**Chamomile:** i would wish to be overlord of the entire world but u guys had some cool ideas too i guess   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
****  
****Monday, May 25** **  
****08:16 EST**

**Dick:** So here are the facts we’ve got so far:   
  
**Dick:** Fact one! Madison is absent today   
  
**Dick:** Fact two! I heard from a guy who heard from a guy who heard from a teacher who heard from a girl who heard from Madison’s second cousin’s fiancé that she’s down with mono, AKA the kissing disease   
  
**Wally:** I like where this is going   
  
**Dick:** Fact three! Billy Hayes had to go home early because he was feeling “sick”   
  
**Dick:** Fact four! I overheard the popular crowd talking once about how Madison made a deal with her mom that if she passed calculus she’d get a convertible for graduation   
  
**Dick:** CONCLUSION!!! Madison made out with Billy so he’d let her cheat off his math homework and they both got mono THANK YOU EVERYONE AND GOODNIGHT   
  
**Zatanna:** good detective work mr. grayson!   
  
**Dick:** Thank you it took me almost thirty seconds I’m exhausted   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Monday, May 25** **  
****13:28 EST**

**Traci:** Emergency emergency emergency!!! I need assistance!!!   
  
**Ed:** What’s wrong?   
  
**Traci:** I’m trapped in Mr. Smith’s trunk!!!   
  
**Cassie:** What does that even mean   
  
**Traci:** It means I didn’t want to go to home ec because the kid who sits in front of me has a dumb haircut so instead of going to eighth period I bought a pack of Oreos from the snack machine and left the building pretending to be a really short teacher but then the security guard caught on to my ruse so I had to run and he chased me around the parking lot and I finally lost him by the dumpsters but I knew he was going to find me eventually and my legs are too short to hop the fence to freedom so instead I used the lockpicking tricks Tim taught me and broke into Tornado’s car because he always parks near the dumpsters and I hid in his trunk until the security guard gave up and left me alone but I fell asleep and when I woke up it was five minutes ago but I don’t have the upper body strength to open the trunk since I’m allegedly half pixie so now I’m trapped in here and school is ending in a couple minutes!!!   
  
**Jaime:** Wow. That sure is a story.   
  
**Traci:** Someone help me escape before Tornado finds me here!!!   
  
**Traci:** Also I ran out of Oreos and my phone is on 16% so time is of the essence here people   
  
**Ed:** Yeahhh sorry Traci I’d really love to help you out, but Asami and I have plans to drive around and take the furniture people leave on their curbs for the garbage man to pick up but instead we take it and fix it up so we can sell it for a profit   
  
**Bart:** isn’t that stealing?   
  
**Ed:** Probably not, I mean it’s technically garbage so no one cares about it anyway   
  
**Cassie:** Same   
  
**Tim:** Sáme   
  
**Steph:** same   
  
**Garfield:** guys can you lighten up a little?   
  
**Traci:** WE’RE AT 15% NOW FELLAS!!! MY BATTERIES ARE LOW AND IT’S GETTING DARK SOMEONE COME RESCUE ME BEFORE I RUN OUT OF OXYGEN   
  
**Cassie:** Sorry girl I would totally free you from Tornado’s clutches but I’m staying after school to make up a quiz   
  
**Tim:** wħat quiz ìs it?   
  
**Cassie:** I don’t know, something about rocks. It’s multiple choice   
  
**Tim:** Ok gîve me ā seć   
  
**Cassie:** ?   
  
**Tim:** the añswers aře A, B, D, B, C, A, C, B, D, A, A, B, C, B, A in thąt order. And thè answer tø the bonüs is igneoũs   
  
**Cassie:** What the fuck??? How do you know that you’re not even in my class   
  
**Tim:** Î Knơw Ęverýthiñg   
  
**Bart:** spooky   
  
**Violet:** I can save you Traci! =^D Where is the car?   
  
**Traci:** By the dumpsters behind the school   
  
**Violet:** Okay I am by the dumpsters. What does Mr. Smith’s car look like?   
  
**Traci:** It’s purple and covered with sequins and anime bumper stickers you can’t miss it   
  
**Violet:** There are many cars like that, you will have to be more specific.   
  
**Bart:** more specific than that?? what kind of town are we living in holy fuck   
  
**Jaime:** A crash one.   
  
**Traci:** If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of a tiny teenage girl screaming and begging for help   
  
**Violet:** I hear nothing.   
  
**Traci:** Dang it okay I’m at a loss so just start breaking into random cars until you find me I guess   
  
**Violet:** But that would be a crime!   
  
**Traci:** I’M TRAPPED IN A TRUNK VIOLET WE ARE ALREADY PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN HERE   
  
**Violet:** Uh oh.   
  
**Traci:** Uh oh?   
  
**Violet:** Tornado is coming.   
  
**Traci:** DON’T LEAVE ME I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!   
  
**Traci:** “I Want To Break Free” — Queen・1984   
  
**Violet:** I’m sorry Traci, but I don’t want to go to jail. =^( Good luck!   
  
**Traci:** Oh no he’s in the car   
  
**Traci:** Oh no he’s starting the car   
  
**Traci:** Oh no we’re pulling out of the parking lot   
  
**Traci:** Looks like I’m going for a ride boys   
  
**Jaime:** Bye Traci we’ll miss you!! It was fun while it lasted.   
  
**Steph:** hey what’s it like being in tornado’s trunk does he have skeletons in there? give us the dirt   
  
**Traci:** No but it smells like old cheese and I’m surrounded by headless barbies. Guys I think I’m gonna die in here   
  
**Bart:** at least you had a good run ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Traci:** Someone get on google and find out if this counts as kidnapping because it feels like I’m being kidnapped right now   
  
**Garfield:** I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure kidnapping is a big no no for teachers. at least not until they get tenure   
  
**Traci:** He just turned on the radio and I swear to god he’s blasting Fergalicious and rapping along. Who IS this man   
  
**Tim:** Hë really ïs the hero wę don’t dešerve hũh   
  
**Traci:** I found a ziploc bag filled with raw chicken in here what the fuck??   
  
**Traci:** Oh yay he turned off Fergie. Phone’s at 11% now fellas   
  
**Garfield:** this is more entertaining that the time a squirrel jumped through my bedroom window and lived under my bed for a week   
  
**Cassie:** What did you end up doing with it?   
  
**Garfield:** he has an apartment in my attic now but don’t tell my sister that   
  
**Traci:** Hey is Tornado married?? I didn’t think he was but I’m pretty sure he’s talking to his wife on the phone now   
  
**Steph:** i’m like….99.99999 percent sure that man isn’t married   
  
**Traci:** Oh nvm his dogsitter just put the dog on the phone apparently. This is all really strange, he’s asking the dog about her day and she keeps barking answers   
  
**Bart:** man I want a dog   
  
**Jaime:** Then get a dog.   
  
**Bart:** I can’t, my parents said two teenagers and two hyperactive babies are enough for one household   
  
**Violet:** Doesn’t your cousin Wally have a dog?   
  
**Bart:** technically yeah, but it lives at his girlfriend’s house so it doesn’t count. how’d you know about that anyway?   
  
**Violet:** Artemis and I play bingo on Wednesdays. She said had it not been for the laws of this land she would have adopted me.   
  
**Traci:** I’ve never heard Tornado talk as much as he is on this car ride it’s so trippy   
  
**Cassie:** He’s still on the phone?   
  
**Traci:** No, now he’s reciting the declaration of independence for some reason. He legit memorized the whole thing word for word and I’d be super impressed if it wasn’t so weird   
  
**Ed:** Everyone has their hobbies I guess. Some people scrapbook, some make macaroni portraits, some memorize historical documents   
  
**Garfield:** I’ve never met a single person who’s dabbled in macaroni portraits   
  
**Ed:** Yes you have   
  
**Ed:** [image sent]   
  
**Garfield:** huh. I stand corrected   
  
**Ed:** Here’s one I did of Miss Bee when she came to school hungover after spring break   
  
**Ed:** [image sent]   
  
**Tim:** Yoū really cąptuređ the evĭl in her ếyes   
  
**Bart:** I wanna be made into macaroni!!   
  
**Ed:** Done and done   
  
**Ed:** [image sent]   
  
**Bart:** awwww you gave macaroni me a cowboy hat <3   
  
**Cassie:** That’s ROMANCE babey   
  
**Bart:** *tips macaroni hat* howdy m’sir,   
  
**Traci:** Does anyone even know where our dear Tornado man lives? Because I’m not a genius when it comes to direction but I’m almost positive we’re driving through the woods right now   
  
**Tim:** i hẳcked into his file ỡnce, he has a ḥouse in the miɗdle of the forest aǹd his daughtẹr visits on weeķends because hễ shares custody ẅith his ex   
  
**Traci:** Am I the only one who can’t imagine this man having a child?? What the feck???   
  
**Jaime:** Yeah I’m gonna pretend I didn’t know that. Way, WAY too weird.   
  
**Traci:** Oh shitmuffins my battery is officially on 1% now,..,,.the end is near guys. Tell my mom I love her. Make sure my funeral is pink with lots of sparkles and that all of the guests are forced to wear capes because I’m a Classy hoe   
  
**Traci:** I can already feel my life force draining…...I’m slipping away.…..into the unknown…..goodbye my friends………   
  
**Traci Thurston is now offline.** **  
****  
****Bart:** top ten saddest anime deaths   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Kon** **  
****  
****Monday, May 25** **  
****14:49 EST**

**Wally:** why is it called a microwave when it’s not even technically a microwave??   
  
**Kon:** wh. what   
  
**Wally:** the thing we call a microwave actually just EMITS microwaves which are the particles that heat up the food. calling it a microwave itself would be like calling a coffee maker coffee   
  
**Kon:** are you high   
  
**Wally:** high on KNOWLEDGE   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
****  
****Monday, May 25** **  
****15:42 EST**

**Traci:** GREETINGS MY FRIENDS!!!   
  
**Steph:** traci you’re alive!!! dammit i was hoping to inherit your stuff   
  
**Ed:** Did you escape from Tornado’s clutches?   
  
**Traci:** Nah after we got to his house he needed his ziploc bag of chicken for some reason and opened the trunk to find me chilling in there like a lil orphaned baby. There was a lot of screaming and panicking at first from both of us, but eventually we chilled out and everything was explained   
  
**Traci:** I’m sitting in his living room now and he made tea which is just lukewarm tap water and ramen packets. He also loaned me a phone charger that’s being powered by a lemon!   
  
**Cassie:** Is it weird that I’m jealous of you rn   
  
**Traci:** A little, mostly because his house smells like mothballs and old milk and all of his carpets have dead body outlines on them that he claims is for art reasons but I’m not so sure. Plus the TV is sideways and his coffee table is lined with scented candles that have bites taken out of them   
  
**Jaime:** Wow.   
  
**Traci:** Ikr??   
  
**Traci:** I never want to leave <3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
****  
****Tuesday, May 26** **  
****19:39 EST**

**Roy:** Some fucking kid called me a boomer to my face just now and I’ve never felt worse in my entire life. I think it’s ABYSMAL that this is how the older generation of teenage nitwits is being treated and I’m INSULTED that children dare to look me in my cold dead eyes and call me a boomer in front of God and the law and several McDonald’s employees like it’s suddenly MY fault that I enjoy the taste of plain hamburger buns soaked in ketchup and black coffee after a day of sitting on the edge of a fountain staring out at the world around me and dissociating for a good chunk of the day?? Is that my fault?? Do I deserve this disrespect?? FUCK the young people.   
  
**Artemis:** Lmao ok boomer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is officially lined up with the present time are you guys proud of me?!! That means technically I'm reading the future so if I predict a meteor wiping out humanity in upcoming chapters then I suggest you get your affairs in order.


	32. All Hail Naked John Cena!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megan and Kaldur get tattoos together, Wally is a loveable sap when he's tired, and Tim wants to be famous.

**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 27** **  
** **09:01 EST**

**Raquel:** It’s terrible haiku time fellas!! Show me what you’ve got you poetic fools.  _ Impress _ me   
  
**Artemis:** If we're doing a haiku contest then everyone should just call it quits now because I’m CLEARLY the best poet here. I've watched every season of Celebrity Rap Battle Xtreme PLUS I got a B+ in english last year   
  
**Dick:** Oh yeah? Prove it then Miss Crock   
  
**Artemis:** “A goose stole my keys / and sold them to Bill Clinton / for some nipple clamps” *snap snap snap*   
  
**Dick:** Hmmm not bad. But may I counter with:   
  
**Dick:** “Elephant titties / They haunt me when I’m sleeping / Help. Please. Make it stop” *snap snap snap*  
  
 **Zatanna:** amateurs   
  
**Zatanna:** “my boyfriend, smitty / werbenjagermanjensen. / wanna lick his toes”   
  
**Roy:** Everything about that last sentence makes me want to walk into the ocean and never come back.   
  
**Zatanna:** oh like u can do better?   
  
**Roy:** Yes I can in fact, I’ll have you know that I took a poetry course during my first and only smeester of college.   
  
**Dick:** Smeester   
  
**Wally:** smeester   
  
**Artemis:** SMEESTER dfghjkl  
  
 **Zatanna:** off to a great start already   
  
**Roy:** YOU ALL ACT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER MADE A DAMN TYPO BEFORE JESUS CHRIST.   
  
**Wally:** “you all act like you’ve / never made a damn typo / before jesus christ”   
  
**Dick:** Ghjdfghjk   
  
**Raquel:** Ladies and gentle-thems I do declare we have a winner!!   
  
**Roy:** PLAGIARISM!! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!! I’ll see you in COURT mister.   
  
**Wally:** sorry roytoy I can’t hear you over the sound of my own success   
  
**Conner:** what does success sound like ive always wondered   
  
**Wally:** like a bunch of coins clinking from the confines of a velvet pouch as I dangle it tantalizingly before the hitman I’ve hired to kill the royal family so I can steal the throne and rule the kingdom with an iron fist   
  
**Dick:** Yep that’s what it sounds like   
  
**Megan:** Wait wait I’ve got a haiku too!!   
  
**Raquel:** Lay it on us Megan   
  
**Megan:** Wait um. Do I have permission to swear in it?   
  
**Zatanna:** aww that’s so cute. yes megan u can swear we give u permission   
  
**Megan:** Okay good  
  
 **Megan:** "Damn it you fucking / seagull, you stole my fucking / sandwich what the fuck"   
  
**Megan:** I call it “Man At Beach”    
  
**Wally:** O_O   
  
**Roy:** Megan what the fuck.   
  
**Megan:** You said I was allowed to swear   
  
**Zatanna:** YEAH BC I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE A “GOSH DARN HECK” THING I DIDN’T THINK U WERE GONNA SWITCH SOULS WITH A DEAD PIRATE AND THROW UR BABY BRAIN TO THE WIND WHAT THE FUCK   
  
**Conner:** there truly is no more innocence in the world... im disappointed   
  
**Dick:** All in favor of Megan being in timeout for the rest of her life so she can think about what she’s done?   
  
**Wally:** aye!   
  
**Raquel:** Aye foul villain   
  
**Roy:** Aye.   
  
**Artemis:** Take her away boys   
  
**Megan:** THE SYSTEM IS CORRUPT I TELL YOU!! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE   
  
**Dick:** Tell it to the judge you potty-mouthed fiend   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 27** **  
** **11:27 EST**

**Zatanna:** has anyone thought about what we’re gonna do for senior ditch day this friday?   
  
**Roy:** Don’t know why you're concerned, seeing as you’re not a real senior or anything.    
  
**Zatanna:** i’m gettin real sick of these jokes man  
  
 **Zatanna:** besides ur not a senior either so HA   
  
**Raquel:** I was planning on going to school instead of skipping, that way I’m the only one in my classes and I can pretend it’s a zombie apocalypse with me as the only survivor   
  
**Dick:** That’s so adventurous you should also make a baseball bat with nails hammered into it and bring it with you   
  
**Raquel:** Bold of you to assume I don’t already have one   
  
**Artemis:** My agenda is to hang out on someone’s roof the entire day. Don’t know whose roof, don’t know what I’ll be doing up there, but it’s gonna happen   
  
**Dick:** My roof is four stories tall and comes with a butler who sends snacks up through the dumbwaiter is that convincing enough   
  
**Artemis:** Good news everyone! I will be spending senior ditch day on Dick’s roof   
  
**Dick:** We should make paper airplanes and race them above the treetops all day   
  
**Wally:** conner and I were planning to watch tv at my house but honestly that sounds way more fun can we come   
  
**Artemis:** Fuck yeah we’ll have a mega paper airplane race and the winner has to buy us all pizza for lunch   
  
**Zatanna:** Y E A H   
  
**Roy:** Count me in fellas, I’ve been looking to do something stupid for days now and this is the perfect excuse.   
  
**Kaldur:** Isn’t that a tad dangerous? I don’t think any of our parents would approve of us performing such risky activities on a roof of all things.   
  
**Zatanna:** a paper airplane race isn’t even a risky activity kal, to actually endanger our lives we’d have to do something like roller skate off of it and fall onto a trampoline and then have everyone rank our dives on a scale of one to ten   
  
**Wally:** CHANGE OF PLANS!!! WE’RE DOING THIS NOW   
  
**Kaldur:** NO YOU ARE NOT!!!   
  
**Artemis:** STOP TRYING TO RUIN OUR FUN KALDUR IT’S VERY HOME OF PHOBIC OF YOU   
  
**Kaldur:** I am not going to stand by and watch you all get yourselves killed. You can count me out.   
  
**Conner:** boohoo buzzkill   
  
**Kaldur:** I am not a buzzkill! It is really so bad that I want to take part in safe activities for once?   
  
**Zatanna:** YES IT IS   
  
**Dick:** WE DIDN’T COME FOR A PLAYDATE KAL, WE CAME HERE TO BE GAY AND DO CRIMES   
  
**Kaldur:** NO WE DID NOT!!!   
  
**Raquel:** Buzzkillington strikes again...smh   
  
**Kaldur:** When you all break your legs and complain to me that you cannot reach the top shelf due to being confined to a wheelchair, I plan to laugh long and hard.   
  
**Dick:** CHALLENGE ACCEPTED   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Jason > Timbo** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 27** **  
** **14:32 EST**

**Jason:** tim...I have some really bad news   
  
**Timbo:** OMG IS EVERYTHING OKAY WHAT IS IT WHAT HAPPENED WHO DIED   
  
**Jason:** I’m so sorry to be the one telling you this but…...   
  
**Jason:** you’re adopted   
  
**Timbo:** FFFFFÚ C Ķ Ö F F   
**  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Megan > Kaldur** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, May 27** **  
** **15:18 EST**

**Megan:** I want to get a tattoo   
  
**Kaldur:** Come again?   
  
**Megan:** A tattoo. I want one   
  
**Kaldur:** Why on Earth would you want to get a tattoo??   
  
**Megan:** Because I want to do something cool and rebellious before graduation like I’ve been planning to do all year but never got around to doing because I'm forgetful   
  
**Kaldur:** You have done plenty of rebellious activities, Megan. Remember when we all ditched school to go on a road trip? That was quite edgy of you.   
  
**Megan:** Yeah but that was pure innocent fun so it doesn’t count. I want to do something that would make a grandmother disappointed but also not hurt my chances in the prom queen race   
  
**Kaldur:** And you think getting a tattoo is the way to do that.   
  
**Megan:** Yep! But mostly because I just want one really really badly. I mean look at all of your tattoos they’re so awesome and pretty and I’ve always wanted to get one, so I figured why not do it on senior ditch day? It’ll be so fun!   
  
**Kaldur:** I suppose it wouldn’t be a terrible idea so long as it is done responsibly…   
  
**Megan:** That’s the spirit!! Besides I’m eighteen so I’m legally an adult, plus this will probably be the only super rebellious thing I’ll ever do in my life so I deserve it  
  
**Kaldur:** What kind of tattoo would you get?   
  
**Megan:** I’m not sure yet, but probably something cute like a flower or a heart or a cupcake. Maybe a puppy   
  
**Megan:** We can figure that part out later, but the important thing is that you’re on board for coming with me to the tattoo parlor on Friday for emotional support?? Please??   
  
**Kaldur:** Okay. I will go with you.   
  
**Megan:** YOU'RE THE BEST <3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, May 28** **  
** **02:06 EST**

**Wally:** hey artemis guess what  
  
 **Blondie:**?? You just sent me a goodnight text like two hours ago, what are you doing up so late?  
  
 **Wally:** what are YOU doing up so late?  
  
 **Blondie:** Reading a book. You?  
  
 **Wally:** decidedly not reading. unless text messages count but I don’t think so  
  
 **Wally:** you still haven’t guessed the what  
  
 **Blondie:** I’m not playing a guessing game with you at two in the morning Wally  
  
 **Wally:** coward  
  
 **Blondie:** I can live with that  
  
 **Wally:** come onnnn guess guess guess guess  
  
 **Blondie:** Fine. You won a prize for the worst knock knock joke ever made?  
  
 **Wally:** nope!  
  
 **Blondie:** Then you’d better tell me what it is because you interrupted a really good chapter and my patience is thin  
  
 **Wally:** the answer is I love you <3  
  
 **Blondie:** …..okay that was cute I’ll admit it  
  
 **Blondie:** You’re not bleeding out in an alley somewhere and this is your creepy goodbye text or something right  
  
 **Wally:** nope! just feeling love for my girlfriend in this chili’s and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I reminded you for the millionth time about how much I love love love you  
  
 **Wally:** you ever get that feeling? like if you don’t tell that person in the next ten seconds that you love them your heart will stop working and your bones will turn into dried pretzel crumbs?  
  
 **Blondie:** Weird description, but yeah I know what you mean  
  
 **Wally:** I feel like that a lot  
  
 **Wally:** like the other day when you beat cam in that arm wrestling match and you were so happy when you won and your face got all bright and shiny and proud and you don’t know how badly I wanted to take a picture of you in that moment just so I could remember it forever  
  
 **Wally:** I should take pictures of you more often  
  
 **Blondie:** Wally?  
  
 **Wally:** yeah?  
  
 **Blondie:** I think you’re overtired  
  
 **Wally:** probably  
  
 **Wally:** oh and remember the time we had a picnic in the gsa room because I was feeling shitty that day and we watched the office on my phone and you drew little arrows on my backpack with a sharpie and let me borrow your sweatshirt for the rest of the day and it smelled like you so I secretly kept it since then because I like it almost as much as I love you  
  
 **Blondie:** I knew you were the fucking sweatshirt thief  
  
 **Wally:** and there was also the day I first realized I liked you, remember that one? it was conner’s birthday party last year when we all went to chuck e cheese. you destroyed me at the racing game and when we went to exchange our tickets, you picked out a shitty plastic ring and said it was proof of your chuck e cheese superiority and you wore it for the rest of the day, and that’s when I knew I liked you for real. not just a dumb crush, not just heaps of fake hatred and denial. right there and then was the moment when I knew for sure that I really, REALLY liked you  
  
 **Blondie:** I can’t believe you remember that  
  
 **Wally:** what about you?  
  
 **Blondie:** What about me?  
  
 **Wally:** when you knew you liked me  
  
 **Blondie:** No way  
  
 **Wally:** I told you mine  
  
 **Blondie:** Because you’re an insomniac in training who doesn’t know what he’s saying  
  
 **Wally:** tell me anyway  
  
 **Blondie:** This is really cheesy  
  
 **Wally:** yeah it is. tell me anyway?  
  
 **Blondie:** You know I’m not great with weird romantic emotional stuff  
  
 **Wally:** tell me anyway  
  
 **Blondie:** Fine  
  
 **Blondie:** It was the March of our junior year and you and I were in the library doing homework  
  
 **Wally:** how sexy  
  
 **Blondie:** Do you want to hear the story or not?  
  
 **Wally:** okay okay I’ll be quiet  
  
 **Blondie:** So we were in the library, I was doing math stuff and you were reading some Jane Austen book for your english class. You were quiet for once and too involved in the story to notice that I was watching you because you kept biting your lip and it was super distracting. Then you suddenly looked up from your book and said, completely unprompted, that you decided your favorite cheese was sharp cheddar because it’s more of a threat  
  
 **Wally:** no way  
  
 **Blondie:** It's true  
  
 **Wally:** THAT’S the moment you knew you liked me??  
  
 **Blondie:** Yep  
  
 **Wally:** wow  
  
 **Wally:** can we change it to a different one?  
  
 **Blondie:** Sorry babe no takebacks. Not my fault you're cute when you're stupid  
  
 **Wally:** I'm going to take that as a compliment  
  
 **Blondie:** You should  
  
 **Wally:** it was pride and prejudice, by the way  
  
 **Wally:** the book I was reading  
  
 **Blondie:** Good to know  
  
 **Blondie:**...Did you fall asleep?  
  
 **Wally:** nah I'm still here. just getting kinda tired  
  
 **Blondie:** You should probably go to sleep  
  
 **Wally:** but I want to keep talking to you  
  
 **Wally:** if I call you will you read to me from your book?  
  
 **Blondie:** I’m not going back to the beginning for you  
  
 **Wally:** don’t care as long as it’s you **  
**  
 **Blondie:** Okay  
  
 **[Outgoing call to:** ** _Blondie]_** **  
** **  
** **[Call ended 58:26]** **  
** **  
** **Blondie:** Sweet dreams Kid Dork <3 **  
** **  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, May 28** **  
** **10:15 EST** **  
** **  
** **Zatanna:** u ever just. feel the sudden urge to stick ur hand into a bowl of steamed lima beans and shovel the entire handful into ur mouth like a starving bear while heavy metal music plays in the background?   
  
**Dick:** Pretty sure it’s just you  
  
 **Zatanna:** shocking   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, May 28** **  
** **18:09 EST**

**Cassie:** Got called a lesbian in Walmart lads   
  
**Steph:** tell us what happened lad   
  
**Cassie:** I got called a lesbian in Walmart   
  
**Steph:** yeah but why   
  
**Cassie:** I was being a lesbian   
  
**Steph:** in walmart?   
  
**Cassie:** Yeah it was in Walmart   
  
**Steph:** huh   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Raquel > Zatanna ** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, May 28** **  
** **20:30 EST**

**Raquel:** Check it out I got my prom dress today!!!   
  
**Raquel:** [image sent]   
  
**Raquel:** I was going to do something more lowkey but then said fuck it and went with silver because I deserve to look RADIANT on prom night   
  
**Zatanna:** that’s so pretty!!! god ur gonna look like an absolute QUEEN rocky   
  
**Zatanna:** do u have a date or are u going with the group?   
  
**Raquel:** Alas,,, I'm too single for my own good atm so I asked Conner and Megan if they’ll be my dates and they said yes so I officially have two dates for prom fuck the system   
  
**Zatanna:** fucking iconic babe   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Kaldur** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, May 28** **  
** **20:52 EST**

**Megan:** I made an appointment at the tattoo parlor for noon tomorrow!! You’re definitely coming right?   
  
**Kaldur:** Of course.   
  
**Megan:** Great! I think I’m going to get a teeny tiny flower on my wrist because cuteness is the ultimate goal here   
  
**Kaldur:** That is a good plan.   
  
**Kaldur:** And if it’s okay with you, I think I will get a tattoo as well. It has been a while since I’ve gotten a new one and I have been considering it for quite a while.   
  
**Megan:** Really?? Omg that’s great!! We’ll be doing this together that makes me so happy   
  
**Kaldur:** My mother is lending me the Prius tomorrow so I will pick you up at around school time?   
  
**Megan:** Heck yeah buddy!!!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 29** **  
** **08:32 EST**

**Garfield:** famous historical people you didn’t know were queer:   
  
**Garfield:** Leonardo da Vinci   
  
**Garfield:** Anne Frank   
  
**Garfield:** King James VI   
  
**Garfield:** Julius Caesar   
  
**Garfield:** thank you and have a good day   
  
**Tim:** Hơw DARE you ñot put me øn that list whåt kind of hoḿophobic bullșhit is thǐs   
  
**Garfield:** sorry to break it to you but you’re not famous buddy   
  
**Tim:** i cǒuld be fầmous if I wantẽd to! There’s ňothing stoppîng me from góing and wiñning a wörld record rįght now   
  
**Cassie:** Aren’t you technically already famous? Your dad is famous so if my math is correct you should also be famous by association   
  
**Tim:** I will NÖT be trappêd in the shadow of ằ ninety-year-old nỡcturnal man who kễeps a giaṅt penny in his bẳsement and can’t pệel a banana on his ởwn   
  
**Bart:** pretty sure bruce isn’t 90 but okay   
  
**Steph:** i wanna know who peels his bananas for him   
  
**Violet:** He has a giant penny????   
  
**Ed:** What record are you going to break oh wise Timothy   
  
**Tim:** Sổmething CÔOL. Soḿething EĐGY. Something hðpefully QUICĶ and EASY bęcause I have a BØOK REPORT due tođay and i can’t àfford to brēak my focus   
  
**Traci:** I’m googling world records now but most of them seem kind of dangerous   
  
**Traci:** “Heaviest weight lifted by a human beard.” 63.80 kilograms   
  
**Tim:** I cån’t groŵ a beǎrd   
  
**Ed:** Longest jump by a cat, 182.88cm   
  
**Tim:** I’m ŋot a cằt?   
  
**Bart:** most cockroaches eaten in ten minutes!! that could be an interesting one   
  
**Tim:** Ėw   
  
**Steph:** how about the record for sticking blueberries up your nose?   
  
**Tim:** i dŏn’t want to bữrden my famỉly with the jồb of telling evẽryone at my fủneral about hộw their little boy şuffocated to deațh by stuffiṅg his nose with blưeberries   
  
**Traci:** Swimming in a pool of ketchup for a super long time?   
  
**Tim:** Toơ unçomfoŕtable   
  
**Steph:** rat telepathy?   
  
**Tim:** Ňopė   
  
**Bart:** breaking karate boards in half with your teeth   
  
**Tim:** yiķeś   
  
**Steph:** chainsaw juggling!!   
  
**Tim:** Dő the chainsẳws have Ɨo be oņ?   
  
**Steph:** probably   
  
**Tim:** Ńo tħanks   
  
**Traci:** I’VE GOT IT!! I’ve got the perfect record for you to break   
  
**Tim:** I’m lĭsteniŋg   
  
**Traci:** The world record for the most jalapeños eaten in one sitting! You can TOTALLY do that   
  
**Tim:** Whąt’s the rəcord riǧht noẅ?   
  
**Traci:** 266   
  
**Tim:** Hmmm sǒunds s p í c y   
  
**Tim:** I’ḿ in!   
  
**Bart:** NICE   
  
**Tim:** Eṽeryone whỡ wants to watch me mẵke history or wants tờ watch me pủke my guts out, mệet up at my house ắfter school and briñg as many jalapeños as you can cårry because we’re ĎOING THÎS   
  
**Steph:** i’m so proud already <3 try not to die though or your dad will kill us   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 29** **  
** **11:42 EST**

**Kaldur:** What kind of tattoo should I get?   
  
**Roy:** That depends, is this a hypothetical question? Because if so I actually have a super handy list of ridiculous tattoos that no one should ever get.   
  
**Dick:** Why do you keep a list??   
  
**Roy:** Because sometimes inebriation leads to golden opportunities that I wouldn’t want to miss. And I forgot to get rid of the list after I got sober.   
  
**Kaldur:** Megan and I are at the tattoo parlor now and I have not done any planning so I need ideas.   
  
**Artemis:** Why is Megan there with you? I can’t imagine our sweet Megs in a tattoo parlor   
  
**Kaldur:** Trust me, this was all her idea. Megan wanted to get a tattoo and I am here for moral support.   
  
**Roy:** PARDON MOI?? IS THIS A JOKE??   
  
**Megan:** Nope! I want a tattoo so I’m getting one :)   
  
**Artemis:** Well shit Megan, I didn’t know you had it in you   
  
**Wally:** megamart you are braver and more amazing than I could ever hope to be   
  
**Conner:** what kind of tattoo are you getting?   
  
**Megan:** A flower (◕‿◕✿)   
  
**Zatanna:** that’s perfect i love it already   
  
**Zatanna:** but i have to say kallie, are u really going to let ur dumbass best friends pick out ur tattoo for u??   
  
**Kaldur:** Why not? I trust you all.   
  
**Dick:** Bold words to say to a group of people who are currently chilling on a roof with roller skates and a trampoline awaiting us down below   
  
**Wally:** right now we’re blowing bubbles and throwing marshmallows into a bird’s nest to gear up for our big moment   
  
**Kaldur:** Please be safe.   
  
**Dick:** No promises ;)   
  
**Dick:** Back to business though, I think you should get a tat of chibi Eleanor Roosevelt on your ass   
  
**Wally:** I second that vote!   
  
**Roy:** Oh yeah definitely.   
  
**Raquel:** Do it for Eleanor, Kal!!   
  
**Kaldur:** No. Pick something else.   
  
**Zatanna:** a ladybug on your forehead   
  
**Raquel:** A tiny Where’s Waldo hiding behind your ear   
  
**Roy:** A pickle cannibalizing another pickle.   
  
**Conner:** you should get all of your teeth tattooed different colors that way it looks like gay dentures   
  
**Dick:** NAKED JOHN CENA   
  
**Wally:** the entire bee movie script tattooed on your back in really tiny letters   
  
**Artemis:** A sandal on your foot so you can go places barefoot and no one will judge you   
  
**Zatanna:** A DUCK!!   
  
**Kaldur:** Okay.   
  
**Zatanna:** ...wait really? ur not joking?   
  
**Kaldur:** Sure, why not? It is simple and creative.   
  
**Zatanna:** well damn if i’d known u were going to cave that fast i would have come up with something cooler   
  
**Kaldur:** Too late. I am getting a tattoo of a duck on my ankle and you cannot stop me.   
  
**Dick:** How dare?? We came up with some truly stellar ideas and you’re going with a duck?? I’m offended. Naked John Cena would be disappointed in you   
  
**Megan:** I think it’s cool!   
  
**Kaldur:** Thank you, Megan. I think your tattoo will be cool as well.   
  
**Wally:** is it bad that I’m kind of embarrassed about how we’re spending the day now? I mean these two are getting awesome tattoos and all we’re doing is putting our lives in danger on billionaire property   
  
**Wally:** I’m ashamed of us   
  
**Conner:** dont worry you wont be saying that when we get the ramp and firecrackers set up   
  
**Kaldur:** Our appointments are in a few minutes so allow me to leave this concerned parting for you all:   
  
**Kaldur:** Please do not break your necks and die. Thank you.   
  
**Wally:** have fun getting inked you glorious rebels!   
  
  


* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 29** **  
** **12:06 EST**

**Megan:** THERE’S A NEEDLE IN MY SKIN PEOPLE, I REPEAT THERE IS A NEEDLE IN MY SKIN!   
  
**Dick:** Ooooh is there blood   
  
**Megan:** I DON’T KNOW I’M TOO SCARED TO LOOK   
  
**Dick:** Wack   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bart > Sk8er Boi Reyes** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 29** **  
** **12:48 EST**

**Bart:** I told ed that my favorite soda is carbonated milk and he blocked me :/   
  
**Bart:** ….jaime?    
  
**Bart:** dude why aren’t you responding   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Jaime > Bart** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 29** **  
** **12:52 EST**

**_Block this number? [Yes] [No]_ **   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 29** **  
** **13:24 EST**

**Megan:** KALDUR AND I OFFICIALLY HAVE TATTOOS NOW!!  
  
 **Megan:** Well actually Kaldur already had tattoos so for him this is just one more to the party I guess. But it’s my first!!  
  
 **Zatanna:** SEND US A PIC QUEEN  
  
 **Megan:** [image sent]  
  
 **Megan:** What do you think? :3c  
  
 **Dick:** THAT’S SO FUCKING COOL  
  
 **Artemis:** I like it! It’s classy  
  
 **Wally:** megan you’re officially the coolest person I know oh my god  
  
 **Megan:** What do you think about it Conner? Do you like it?  
  
 **Raquel:** Oh actually he’s unconscious  
  
 **Megan:** Is...he okay?  
  
 **Raquel:** Yeah don’t worry he’s perfectly fine, he just tried our roller skate/trampoline ramp and missed the target completely and smashed headfirst into a wall  
  
 **Raquel:** But it’s all good! Your boyfriend has a thick skull. We brought him inside the house and now he’s taking a nap on the couch with an ice pack on his head so he’ll be fine probably  
  
 **Kaldur:** I won’t say I told you so…….but I told you so.  
  
 **Dick:** Give us some credit Kal, we did something super dangerous and irresponsible and only one of us got injured! I call that a complete success  
  
 **Roy:** Show us your tattoo Kaldur!!  
  
 **Kaldur:** It is not very exciting, but all right.  
  
 **Kaldur:** [image sent]  
  
 **Zatanna:** that looks FANTASTIC. i’m so proud to have thought of it  
  
 **Roy:** NOICE. I dig it.  
  
 **Kaldur:** It is silly, but I do like it very much.  
  
 **Raquel:** Can I name your new ankle duck?  
  
 **Kaldur:** Go for it.  
  
 **Raquel:** His name is Cheeserton N. Quackers  
  
 **Raquel:** Cheese N. Quackers for short  
  
 **Kaldur:** I wouldn’t have it any other way.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Bruce > Tim** **  
** **  
** **Friday, May 29** **  
** **16:01 EST**

**Bruce:** Tim, is that you I hear vomiting upstairs?   
  
**Tim:** hi mister wayne! this is tim’s friend bart :D   
  
**Bruce:** Why do you have my son’s phone?   
  
**Tim:** he’s uhhhh indisposed right now   
  
**Bruce:** What did you kids do this time.   
  
**Tim:** nothing very bad at all, don’t worry mister wayne!   
  
**Tim:** tim just ate a few too many jalapenos. 265 of them to be exact   
  
**Bruce:** ???   
  
**Tim:** but it’s totally fine, once we know for sure that he didn’t burn a hole through his esophagus we’re gonna try again so he can be famous   
  
**Bruce:** _????? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why does it feel like with every chapter I add these kids get more reckless and irresponsible? At this rate they're gonna build a rocket ship and take a field trip to Pluto before the fic ends.


	33. Let's Party Babes (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's making preparations for prom night, the originals discuss a very controversial subject, and Roy can't find the gun emoji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just so you know, "Daddest Man Alive" is Barry because he's Bart's dad in this au so I couldn't exactly put "Barry" as his contact name for clarity.)

******Group Chat: BEETS** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 1** **  
** **06:21 EST**

**Dick:** HAPPY FIRST DAY OF PRIDE MONTH GAYS!!!! My heart is bursting with love and rainbows  
  
**Megan:** ♫♫ On the first day of pride month my true love gave to me……..G A Y ♫♫  
  
**Conner:** this is going to be the best month of our fucking lives pals. we get to be powerfully queer, go to prom, AND graduate in the same month?? what a time to be alive  
  
**Roy:** I feel b i s e x u a l in this Chili’s.  
  
**Kaldur has renamed the group:** **_G stands for GAY_ ** **  
** **  
** **Kaldur:** Happy pride month everyone!  
  
**Raquel:** Ahhh I can feel the gayness soaking into my pores and rejuvenating me for a new month of untamed lesbianism. So relaxing  
  
**Wally:** time to break out the bi and trans flag merch again folks!! gonna look like an absolute STAR  
  
**Zatanna:** i’m only allowed to wear cuffed jeans and flannel with the sleeves rolled up for the rest of the month ok if i stray from these regulations I Will Die  
  
**Kaldur:** I plan to navigate my way around school for the rest of the month on a skateboard with rainbow streamers on the end of it.  
  
**Megan:** Do you even know how to skateboard?  
  
**Kaldur:** No, but that is why I hired Klarion to pull me around on a rope whilst I t-pose and glide through the hallways like a majestic unicorn.  
  
**Conner:** truly the student body president we deserve  
  
**Artemis:** Idk guys I think I’m going to be lowkey about pride month this year. After all being bi isn’t like a huge part of my identity or anything  
  
**Zatanna:** srsly?  
  
**Artemis:** Lmao of course not I splatterpainted my jeans in bi colors last night  
  
**Wally:** oh thank god you had me worried for a second there  
  
**Dick:** We should all paint our faces a different color of the rainbow that way we can combine and make Gay Voltron!!  
  
**Wally:** bold of you to assume voltron isn’t already gay  
  
**Dick:** You're right you're right  
  
**Dick:** G A Y E R VOLTRON  
  
**Wally:** NOW YOU'RE TALKING  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 1** **  
** **07:14 EST**

**Violet:** Happy pride months friends!!! Gender is now CANCELED until further notice.  
  
**Garfield:** yay gay anarchy!!!  
  
**Ed:** Gaynarchy?  
  
**Garfield:** GAYNARCHY GAYNARCHY GAYNARCHY  
  
**Cassie:** Cissie and I have a tradition where we wear rainbow pins and make out in front of homophobes all month. It’s better than Christmas  
  
**Jaime:** I just make bi puns until someone gets annoyed.  
  
**Bart:** straight up relatable my dude  
  
**Jaime:** Don’t you mean _bi_ up relatable? :)  
  
**Bart:** wow  
  
**Traci:** I heard that on the first full moon of pride month you can see mermaids surfacing in the ocean to howl at it  
  
**Tim:** Why õnly dúring prîde moñth?  
  
**Traci:** Because all mermaids are gay duh  
  
**Tim:** of çourse hoẅ silly ǒf me  
  
**Steph:** all hail the gay mermaids!!!  
  
**Steph:** gaymaids?  
  
**Ed:** GAIYDS  
  
**Garfield:** G A I Y D S!!!  
  
  


* * *

**  
** **  
** **Bart > Daddest Man Alive** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 1** **  
** **11:11 EST**

**Bart:** dad……...I’m gay  
  
**Daddest Man Alive:** I know? Bart we invited your boyfriend over for dinner last night  
  
**Bart:** OH OKAY, SO WHEN WALLY COMES OUT HE GETS LOVE AND SUPPORT BUT WHEN I DO IT I GET NOTHING? I SEE HOW IT IS  
  
**Daddest Man Alive:** I don’t know what to tell you pal, if you wanted a big coming out moment you shouldn’t have run home from your first day of kindergarten to tell me that you fell in love with a boy in your class  
  
**Daddest Man Alive:** You brought this on yourself  
  
**Bart:** heck  
  
**Bart:** mark my words old man, one of these days I’m gonna invent time travel and then I’ll go back in time and thrust myself back in the closet that way I can have the cool love simon coming out moment I deserve  
  
**Daddest Man Alive:** Whatever you say kid  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 1** **  
** **16:53 EST**

**Megan:** Who wants to see my prom dress?!! I just got it today and I’m so excited  
  
**Wally:** I wanna see!!  
  
**Zatanna:** show us the radiance megs  
  
**Megan:** [image sent]  
  
**Zatanna:** DFGHJXCGHYF SO PRETTYYYYY  
  
**Wally:** fit for a true prom queen <3  
  
**Dick:** If only she were actually going to be queen :) But that title is sadly reserved for me :) I’m more queen than Freddie Mercury :)  
  
**Megan:** Dick, you’re one of my best friends in the universe and I love you  
  
**Megan:** But believe me when I say that I am not above murder to get that crown  
  
**Dick:** Noo don’t murder me I’m too sexy in my glitter tux to die aha  
  
**Zatanna:** did. did u just say glitter tux  
  
**Dick:** I don’t know, did I? :)  
  
**Dick:** [image sent]  
  
**Wally:** wowza I am BLINDED  
  
**Zatanna:** that really is some sparkle huh  
  
**Megan:** I will not be threatened by sparkles!!  
  
**Dick:** Then will you be threatened by my Chanel boots?  
  
**Dick:** [image sent]  
  
**Megan:** I AM GOING TO WIN THAT CROWN IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO GREMLIN BOY  
  
**Zatanna:** besides dick ur not a senior so are u sure ur even going to be allowed into the prom without a senior date?  
  
**Megan:** HA! SHE’S RIGHT YOU CAN’T  
  
**Dick:** A minor issue  
  
**Dick:** Wally, will you go to prom with me?  
  
**Wally:** babe,,, I’d be honored :’) but I wanna go with artemis and she's really cool so you see I Cannot  
  
**Dick:** She can take Zatanna and then we’ll switch when we get to prom  
  
**Wally:** that feels a lot like cheating  
  
**Dick:** Yes but consider: it’s gayer this way  
  
**Wally:** oh shit you’re right let’s do it  
  
**Dick:** BOOM there is no law on the planet that can hold me back Megan  
  
**Megan:** It’s going to be a real shame when you watch me be crowned prom queen then won’t it  
  
**Dick:** WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT  
  
**Megan:** YES WE WILL  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Kaldur > Roy** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, June 3** **  
** **14:27 EST**

**Kaldur:** I have a question to ask you.  
  
**Roy:** Marry you on a beach in Nantucket? Yes of course let’s go.  
  
**Kaldur:** The prom is next Saturday and I know you already had your senior prom last year so this should all be behind you, but I was wondering if you would go with me?  
  
**Roy:** As your date? I don’t know man, that sounds kind of gay and I’m definitely not gay. No homo haha.  
  
**Kaldur:** Oh no of course not, we will go as two heterosexual gentlemen.  
  
**Roy:** Absolutely no homoerotic subtext in the slightest.  
  
**Kaldur:** Maybe some hand-holding, but it is all no homo.  
  
**Roy:** And if I steal a kiss or two that’s just good straight American fun.  
  
**Kaldur:** So glad we are on the same page. After the dance everyone is planning to meet up at the beach for an all-night bonfire.  
  
**Roy:** Sounds fun! I’ll be sure to dress very heterosexually. Might wear a cowboy hat if the mood strikes me.  
  
**Kaldur:** Please please please wear a cowboy hat.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Core Four** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, June 4** **  
** **08:38 EST**

**Casserole:** My turn with the brain cell today guys I have a math test  
  
**Timber:** Bůt you had ǐt last week! I ŋeed it for a Mơby Dick essaŷ  
  
**Casserole:** Just write that Ahab is crazy and everyone dies at the end. Now you don’t need the brain cell  
  
**Bartemis:** sorry fellers but I need the brain cell now actually, we’re playing kahoot and I need these points  
  
**Conner:** ive never had the brain cell and i think thats a crime  
  
**Bartemis:** you’re a senior dude you don’t need the brain cell for anything  
  
**Conner:** i have finals??  
  
**Casserole:** Yeah but I think it’s a Thing that seniors have free reign no matter what happens. Senioritis is a debilitating disease after all  
  
**Conner:** so...i cant have the brain cell because im too privileged?  
  
**Timber:** Prəcisely   
  
**Timber:** Anywẳy Cassie I’ll fỉstfight yổu for it in the çourtyard, wiñner take all  
  
**Casserole:** DEAL  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 5** **  
** **07:56 EST**

**Zatanna:** it’s piping hot discourse time babes!! everyone gather round for some controversy  
  
**Roy:** Everyone?  
  
**Zatanna:** what, do u have somewhere better to be?  
  
**Roy:** Yes in fact, I’m getting a pedicure as we speak.  
  
**Artemis:** I TOLD YOU HE GETS PEDICURES!!! NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME FOR SO GODDAMN LONG WELL FUCK Y’ALL HERE’S YOUR FUCKING EVIDENCE  
  
**Roy:** I get stressed out a lot and this is my way of treating myself to some pampering. I will never apologize for prioritizing self care.  
  
**Wally:** but I thought you were supposed to be watching brucely today  
  
**Artemis:** Roy if you killed our dog I’ll shove plastic straws under your fingernails until you cry  
  
**Zatanna:** sksksksks but the sea turtles!!  
  
**Roy:** Don’t get your panties in a bunch Thing 2 and Thing 3, he’s at the dog salon next door getting his nails painted and fur groomed. I'm a wine aunt now.  
  
**Dick:** That doggo is going to grow up so spoiled  
  
**Dick:** Also does this mean I’m Thing 1??  
  
**Roy:** Yeah.  
  
**Dick:** NICE I’m the alpha  
  
**Megan:** What’s the discourse Zee?  
  
**Zatanna:** I’M SO GLAD U ASKED  
  
**Zatanna:** dipping cookies in milk, yay or nay?  
  
**Artemis:** Ooooh this is a good one  
  
**Megan:** YAY  
  
**Roy:** NAY!!!  
  
**Wally:** Y A Y  
  
**Raquel:** Nay because it makes the cookies all soggy. Yuck  
  
**Kaldur:** Nay unless they are Oreos. I like to pull them apart and dip them in milk one cookie at a time.  
  
**Artemis:** FUCK YOU GUYS SOGGY COOKIES ARE DELICIOUS  
  
**Conner:** nay unless its chocolate milk  
  
**Dick:** I DECLARE YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY COOKIES N MILK IS THE BEST  
  
**Wally:** ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GET ALL SOFT AND CRUMBLY  
  
**Dick:** AND YOU CAN BITE THROUGH IT LIKE A WET MARSHMALLOW  
  
**Wally:** AND YOU DUMP A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM IN THE GLASS AND STIR IT AROUND SO IT MAKES A MUSHY COOKIE SOUP!!  
  
**Dick:** Y E A H !!!  
  
**Raquel:** I think I just threw up in my mouth a little  
  
**Megan:** Dipping cookies in milk is the finest of treats and should be a symbol of love in this world  
  
**Conner:** whats your stance zee?  
  
**Zatanna:** oh i hate dipping cookies in milk it’s disgusting. i much prefer breaking cheez-its into tiny pieces and dumping them into a glass of strawberry milk and stirring it around and downing it like a shot  
  
**Megan:** ಠ_ಠ  
  
**Conner:** ew  
  
**Artemis:** BEGONE FOUL DEMON AND TAKE YOUR HELLENISTIC WAYS OUT OF THIS PLACE ✝✝✝  
  
**Roy:** The lady doing my pedicure asked what I was laughing at on my phone so I told her what you said and she asked for your name that way she can ban you from this salon forever.  
  
**Zatanna:** u guys are just jealous because u have no taste in fine snaccery  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 5** **  
** **22:07 EST**

**Artemis:** Everyone always asks me what face products I use because I have nice skin I guess and I don’t have the heart to tell them that I literally use $1 face wash in the shower and finish it off with some hand lotion I found in the back of my closet and occasionally I’ll slather my face in pickle juice because I like the way it burns  
  
**Kaldur:** Is...this a joke?  
  
**Artemis:** Nope  
  
**Kaldur:** You don’t use any proper skin care? At all?  
  
**Artemis:** Nah  
  
**Kaldur:** Oh my god. What the. I. Oh my god.  
  
**Raquel:** You did it now Artemis  
  
**Artemis:** What’s the big deal? It’s just skin  
  
**Kaldur:** JUST SKIN????  
  
**Kaldur:** Oh my GOD Artemis, it’s like I don’t even KNOW you. Get dressed and I will be at your house in twenty minutes because we need to go SHOPPING. You need moisturizer and toner and a new face wash and maybe a few clay masks and. Oh my god. This is just. Oh my god.  
  
**Artemis:** It’s like 10pm man nothing’s even open now  
  
**Kaldur:** WE WILL FIND A PLACE AND WE WILL FIND YOU THE SKIN CARE YOU DESERVE. IT IS CHILD ABUSE WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING TO YOUR FACE ARTEMIS.  
  
**Artemis:** Well color me terrified  
  
**Roy:** You brought this on yourself Arty I've been saying it for years. I’d hate to see how Kal would react if he knew that you only use 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner and cut your split ends with safety scissors. **  
** **  
** **Kaldur:** _She uses WHAT???_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 6** **  
** **11:33 EST**

**Cassie:** [image sent] **  
** **  
** **Cassie:** Just saw a couple of bumblebees doing the nasty in midair. Nature is so beautiful  
  
**Jaime:** Fun fact actually, based on my minimal knowledge of insects those bees are both male!  
  
**Cassie:** GAYBEES  
  
**Ed:** The bees say gay rights!!!  
  
**Steph:** birds do it, bees do it, every species celebrates pride month even the buggy ones  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Dickhead** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 6** **  
** **17:30 EST**  
  
**  
** **  
** **Artemis:** Sometimes I wonder what I’m even doing on this planet if all I’ll ever accomplish is living for a few decades before I inevitably die and leave behind a legacy that lasts MAYBE another generation if I’m lucky and will regardless be completely meaningless in the huge span of time itself and this giant ass universe we’re living in  
  
**Artemis:** Then I see Wally trying to eat a stick of butter like a popsicle and I remember my purpose  
  
**Dickhead:** Dghjfghjk  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Kaldur** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 8** **  
** **11:21 EST**

**Roy:** Where’s the gun emoji?  
  
**Kaldur:** You are...asking me?  
  
**Roy:** Yeah.  
  
**Kaldur:** I don’t know. Next to the bullet emoji?  
  
**Roy:** I don’t think there’s a bullet emoji.  
  
**Kaldur:** Then perhaps there isn’t a gun emoji.  
  
**Roy:** But there is.  
  
**Kaldur:** But maybe there isn’t.  
  
**Roy:** What am I supposed to threaten you with then?  
  
**Kaldur:** You’re mugging me??  
  
**Roy:** Shhh gimme a sec to find an emoji.  
  
**Kaldur:** I would really rather not.  
  
**Roy:** GOT IT.  
  
**Roy:** ✂ PUT YOUR HANDS UP MOTHERFUCKER I KNOW YOU’RE THE HOODIE THIEF.  
  
**Kaldur:** You are threatening me with scissors?  
  
**Roy:** Terrifying isn’t it. Fitting revenge for someone who STOLE my beloved hoodies.  
  
**Kaldur:** I am not returning them if that’s what you are asking.  
  
**Roy:** You are a thief and a pirate!!! First you burgle my heart, then my hoodies, I mean what’s next my last name??  
  
**Kaldur:** ...  
  
**Kaldur:** Wow. That was so smooth I slipped and broke my femur in nine places.  
  
**Roy:** Thanks I worked really hard on it.  
  
**Roy:** For real though I’m running out of clothes here babe Please Stop Stealing My Things I’m Poor.  
  
**Kaldur:** I will consider it.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Blondie** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 8** **  
** **16:29 EST**

**Wally:** can I wear a fedora to prom?  
  
**Blondie:** Sure? I’m not your mom why are you asking me  
  
**Wally:** 1) you make me eat vegetables so you’re only just below kaldur on the mom food chain  
  
**Wally:** 2) I want to make sure my prom outfit matches your sweatpants because we’re the cutest couple in history and need to assert dominance over everyone else  
  
**Blondie:** Oh yeah about that, I know I was planning on wearing regular clothes to the dance but the other day I decided fuck it and bought a prom dress so...yeah  
  
**Wally:** really? that’s great! but I gotta say, weren’t you the one who gave me a ten minute lecture about saving our money for california?  
  
**Blondie:** Yeah but Oliver offered to pay for it so I figured why not. He and Dinah wouldn’t let me off the hook for not “embracing the real high school experience” or something and I still think it’s a stupid tradition but.....idk. I kind of like the idea of looking pretty for a night so it’s whatever  
  
**Wally:** you look pretty EVERY night actually so jot that down,  
  
**Wally:** but really though I’m glad you’re letting yourself have fun and cut loose for prom, you deserve it. besides you only get one prom night so you gotta make it count  
  
**Blondie:** Except for the one last year  
  
**Wally:** that one was a practice prom so it doesn’t count. this prom is the real deal and you deserve to have a whelmingly asterous night out  
  
**Blondie:** And you deserve to be happy in your fucking fedora  
  
**Wally:** you’re darn RIGHT I do  
  
**Wally:** plus it’ll match roy’s cowboy hat! bonus!!  
  
**Blondie:** He’s seriously wearing a cowboy hat to our senior prom?  
  
**Wally:** yep :D  
  
**Blondie:** You dweebs are giving me ulcers what the fuck  
  
**Wally:** it'll be great I promise  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Megan** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, June 9** **  
** **10:12 EST**

**Conner:** what do you call an asexual who plays basketball  
  
**Megan:** I don’t know, what?  
  
**Conner:** a BASKET ACE :)  
  
**Megan:** You’re really proud of that one huh  
  
**Conner:** you have no idea  
  
**Conner:** ive told it to six people already and it hasnt gotten old yet i LOVE pride month  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, June 10** **  
** **14:27 EST**

**Ed:** If you drink two of those five hour energy shot things does that mean you get ten hours of energy or do you get five hours of super awesome EXTREME energy?  
  
**Violet:** Please don’t try it.  
  
**Cassie:** TRY IT  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, June 10** **  
** **23:45 EST**

**Ed:** Well I tried it  
  
**Cassie:** What happened?  
  
**Ed:** I don’t know actually? I think I blacked out because I don’t remember anything that happened after I drank the energy shots but somehow my room is clean now and there’s a five foot tall popsicle stick tower on my desk  
  
**Ed:** Also my clothes are gone for some reason and I have no idea where they went  
  
**Ed:** Oh wait I found them  
  
**Ed:** Someone glued them to the ceiling  
  
**Ed:** Probably me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY 
> 
> PRIDE
> 
> MONTH 
> 
> YOU
> 
> WONDERFUL
> 
> AMAZING
> 
> FANTABULOUS
> 
> GAYS!!!


	34. Let's Party Babes (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The upperclassmen go to prom with a few...unusual wardrobe decisions, the freshmen play Cards Against Humanity, and queens are crowned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I didn't go to my own senior prom so if any details seem questionable to you, that's why. Also to all the seniors reading this, I'm sorry about your final year of high school being ruined by COVID and I hope you're all doing okay! You deserve better and at the very least I hope this chapter can lift your spirits a little. <3

******Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 12** **  
** **15:30 EST**

**Traci:** Does anyone want some old clothes? I’m getting rid of a ton of stuff and figured I’d offer it up to you lovely folks before they get sent off to goodwill for a new ratty adventure   
  
**Traci:** There’s not much, just some shirts and jeans and a couple skirts   
  
**Bart:** I’ll take the skirts!!!   
  
**Traci:** You want my old skirts?   
  
**Bart:** why not? gender is a social construct karen   
  
**Steph:** yeah karen what have you got against freedom of expression   
  
**Ed:** How closed-minded of you Karen   
  
**Cassie:** Go cry to the manager about it Karen   
  
**Traci:** You know you’re saying this to a girl who had a mullet in second grade because my mom gave me authority over my own hair and I wanted to be a cowboy right   
  
**Cassie:** Pics or it didn’t happen   
  
**Traci:** [image sent]   
  
**Bart:** a cowboy has been spotted!!!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 12** **  
** **17:02 EST**

**Bart:** [image sent]   
  
**Bart:** [image sent]   
  
**Bart:** [image sent]   
  
**Bart:** skirts!!!   
  
**Ed:** N i c e   
  
**Cassie:** You look awesome!!   
  
**Tim:** Hêll yeăh Ɓart roćk it   
  
**Bart:** I feel so free and flowy what the fuck why did no one tell me about this revolutionary invention?? fuck gender all I care about are skirts now   
**  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: The Wonder Pets** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **02:29 EST**

**Tula:** Hey Kaldur, are you and Roy still going to be carpooling with us to prom?   
  
**Kaldur:** Why are you asking me about this at two in the morning?   
  
**Tula:** You’re dodging the question   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes, we are still in.    
  
**Tula:** Sweet because Garth knows a guy in the horse-drawn carriage business and he’s giving us a 90% discount so long as Garth keeps quiet about some illegal Uber Eats fry-snatching   
  
**Kaldur:** So...we are going to prom in a carriage?   
  
**Tula:** Yep   
  
**Kaldur:** What kind of horses?   
  
**Tula:** Not seahorses   
  
**Kaldur:** Damn it.   
  
**Garth:** I was bummed about it too. we should get something awesome like cheetahs for our carriage. or rhinos. OR DINOSAURS   
  
**Kaldur:** YES!   
  
**Tula:** NO    
  
**Garth:** boo she’s trying to ruin our night kaldur   
  
**Kaldur:** How could you do this to us Tula.   
  
**Tula:** I’m a lawful neutral bastard   
  
**Garth:** in other news!! I’m planning to perm my hair for prom, thoughts?   
  
**Tula:** Oh my god you’re still on this??   
  
**Garth:** I will NEVER be off of this   
  
**Tula:** Please help me out here Kal I’ve been trying to talk him out of this for days now   
  
**Garth:** don’t help her out kal this perm is all I want in life. I might cry over it   
  
**Kaldur:** Hmm.   
  
**Garth:** (please yes please yes please yes)   
  
**Tula:** (Please no please no please no)   
  
**Kaldur:** I think it’s a wonderful idea!   
  
**Garth:** :D   
  
**Tula:** Choke and die   
  
**Garth:** kaldur you really are the cat’s pajamas <3   
  
**Kaldur:** After all, I am going to be wearing a fish-printed tuxedo so I will need someone in my corner to match my ridiculousness.   
  
**Tula:** Why??   
  
**Kaldur:** Because I am like Lady Gaga. My individuality cannot be matched.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **07:20 EST**

**Zatanna:** PROM PROM PROM PROM PROMMMMMMMM   
  
**Raquel:** Can’t wait to finally live my Disney Channel dreams tonight and throw cider in my date’s face after it’s revealed they’ve been cheating on me with my rival   
  
**Conner:** please dont throw cider at me or megan   
  
**Raquel:** I’ll think about it but no promises   
  
**Artemis:** It’s almost the moment of truth for the prom queen campaign, how we feeling Megan?   
  
**Megan:** Ready for my coronation!   
  
**Dick:** As am I for MY coronation   
  
**Megan:** It’s so funny how you think you’ll beat me to the crown even though it’s clear that I’m going to win :)   
  
**Dick:** Same to you, runner-up :)   
  
**Megan:** We’ll see about that :)   
  
**Dick:** Indeed we will :)   
  
**Megan:** Bite me :)   
  
**Dick:** Joke’s on you, I’m half rattlesnake :)   
  
**Wally:** things are getting heated between the queens folks!!   
  
**Artemis:** Are you ready to RRRRRRRRRUMBLE?   
  
**Kaldur:** You both are queens in my eyes and that is what matters. <3   
  
**Megan:** Awwww Kaldur that’s so sweet of you to say   
  
**Megan:** But I hope that doesn’t mean you’ll abstain from voting because I need to win this   
  
**Kaldur:** Well I tried to be a peacekeeper.   
  
**Megan:** In the world of prom queens there is no peace. Only a post-battle stillness   
  
**Artemis:** Well damn okay   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Wallman** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **12:11 EST**

**Dick:** Good news my darling! Alfred said he can drive us to prom in the super cool pink limo rather than the boring regular limo   
  
**Wallman:** excellent news snookums!   
  
**Wallman:** but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go about my life again without remembering that you just have a pink limousine lying around at your house meanwhile I bought my prom outfit at the thrift store with money I saved up from mowing people’s lawns   
  
**Dick:** Don’t worry Bruce is planning on donating Pinkie to a children’s shelter next month   
  
**Wallman:** because every underprivileged kid needs a pink limousine?   
  
**Dick:** Exactly   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **15:39 EST**

**Bagél:** hey arty what kind of corsage do you want   
  
**Crouton:** I want a cactus   
  
**Bagél:** you sure?   
  
**Crouton:** Yes   
  
**Bagél:** one cactus coming right up   
  
**Wonder Bread:** You didn’t ask what kind of corsage  _ I  _ want, Wally. Some date you are   
  
**Bagél:** oh of course how could I forget you dick what kind of corsage would you like   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I also want a cactus   
  
**Bagél:** why am I not surprised   
  
**Crouton:** Since Zatanna is technically my date we’re getting each other poison ivy corsages and whoever gets a rash first loses   
  
**Bagél:** so you’re gonna have one cactus corsage and one poison ivy corsage?   
  
**Crouton:** Yeah   
  
**Wonder Bread:** You have more balls than any US marine   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Garfield > Megan!!!** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **16:04 EST**

**Garfield:** John promised he’d buy me a new XBox game if I lectured you on the importance of responsibility on prom night so strap in for some edumacation sis   
  
**Megan!!!:** Gar I’m right downstairs, can’t you just talk to me about this in person?   
  
**Garfield:** nah I made a blanket cocoon on my bed and I would sooner eat a hamburger than leave it   
  
**Garfield:** anyways rule number one _ STREETS SMARTS _   
  
**Garfield:** don’t have s*x on prom night because you will get pregnant AND DIE   
  
**Megan!!!:** Physically can’t do that, also ew?   
  
**Garfield:** rule number two  _ STREET SMARTS _   
  
**Garfield:** don’t do drugs or alcohol ok those are Bad and you’ll die   
  
**Megan!!!:** Noted. Is this over yet?   
  
**Garfield:** how dare you talk to me like this!! I am yOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!!   
  
**Megan!!!:** You still use Star Wars sheets you’re not my superior anything   
  
**Garfield:** irrelevant!    
  
**Garfield:** rule number three  _ STREET SMARTS _   
  
**Garfield:** have fun and win that prom queen crown like the bad bitch you are :)   
  
**Megan!!!:** You can call me a bad b*tch but you can’t say the word sex?   
  
**Garfield:** I’m an enigma aren’t I   
  
**Megan!!!:** Was that the last street smarts rule or are we done here   
  
**Garfield:** we’re done because I trust you and I know that John is buying me the game anyway so congrats! you passed the test   
  
**Megan!!!:** Thank goodness, everything you said I heard in this squeaky authoritative baby voice it was weird   
  
**Megan!!!:** Also Conner is coming to pick me up at 6:45 so please change out of your dinosaur costume by then so we can take pictures   
  
**Garfield:** I’m not wearing a dinosaur costume   
  
**Megan!!!:** :|   
  
**Garfield:** okay you got me I’m wearing the dinosaur costume. I’m a simple boy with simple needs and at least half of them are being a t-rex   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **17:52 EST**

**Bart:** [image sent]   
  
**Bart:** everyone look at my fucking nerd cousin he’s been in front of the mirror fixing his hair for the past hour and it still looks the exact same as it did this morning   
  
**Violet:** I think he looks handsome!   
  
**Bart:** he said thanks   
  
**Violet:** =^)   
  
**Bart:** he also bought two cactuses for some reason and I’m scared about what they’re for   
  
**Cassie:** I think the plural is supposed to be cacti   
  
**Bart:** cactumís   
  
**Cassie:** That works too   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **18:26 EST**

**Artemis:** Are you and Dick on your way? Roy’s waiting for Kaldur to get here with Garth and Tula and he won’t stop poking me and asking who I am and what I did with Artemis because god forbid a person wears makeup once in a while fucking FUCK fuckster   
  
**Baywatch:** you good babe?   
  
**Artemis:** It’s been a long day. I’m never styling my hair ever fucking again so appreciate it while it lasts   
  
**Baywatch:** can’t wait to see it! we’re coming down the block now so sit tight cinderella   
  
**Artemis:** Oh yeah I see you   
  
**Artemis:** Nice limo by the way. Really pays to have rich friends huh   
  
**Artemis:** It LITERALLY pays haha I’m hilarious   
  
**Artemis:** ...Wally?    
  
**Baywatch:** holy shit you’re breathtaking   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Zee** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **18:39 EST**

**Artemis:** You ready to go? We’re outside   
  
**Zee:** yeah gimme a sec my dad’s hell bent on taking a million pictures even though i keep telling him there’s gonna be next year but whatever   
  
**Artemis:** Unless you die   
  
**Zee:** unless i die   
  
**Zee:** ok coming out now! check out my outfit isn’t it stunning   
  
**Artemis:** What the fuck is that   
  
**Zee:** u don’t like it? :)   
  
**Artemis:** Why are you wearing a plague doctor mask???   
  
**Zee:** it goes with my prom dress. i’m a sexy plague doctor didn’t u get my memo   
  
**Artemis:** Lord beer me patience   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **19:06 EST**

**Artemis:** Sooooo is it just me or does Tula look like. Really really hot in that tux   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes.   
  
**Zatanna:** yep   
  
**Wally:** yeah   
  
**Roy:** Yeah.   
  
**Raquel:** Yeah   
  
**Megan:** Yep   
  
**Artemis:** Glad we’re all on the same page   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **19:55 EST**

**Bart:** I’m boreddddd   
  
**Bart:** estoy aburrido   
  
**Bart:** me taedet   
  
**Bart:** jeg keder mig   
  
**Bart:** حوصله ام سر رفته   
  
**Bart:** 我很無聊   
  
**Bart:** doesn’t matter the language the point is I’m B O R E D   
  
**Traci:** Wanna come to my house? I’ve got puzzles and homemade cookies that I bought from Walmart   
  
**Bart:** nah I’m grounded for trying to bring a worm back to life and for taking apart the toaster and for setting the kitchen table on fire with electricity   
  
**Traci:** You did all of those things in just a few days??   
  
**Bart:** no it was all at once   
  
**Bart:** which is why I’m BORED   
  
**Tim:** Săme, all of the stűpid upperclassḿen hẵve prom and Çass is having a sléepover wîth Steph  _ whicħ I wasn’t iñvited to bƴ the way _   
  
**Steph:** sorry tim but you know the rules, no brothers or boyfriends allowed on girls night and you’re both of those   
  
**Tim:** añd Jason’s idëa of fun is tryìng to pụt me in tḥe washing mằchine against ḿy will so I’m dẻstined to spenđ tonight sād and alớne   
  
**Ed:** Let’s play a game or something then, we’ve all got our phones right   
  
**Violet:** Let’s play I Spy!   
  
**Cassie:** Okay I’ll go first! I spy something juicy :)   
  
**Jaime:** NOBODY ANSWER.   
  
**Cassie:** What’s wrong, you don’t want to know what it is?   
  
**Jaime:** NO NO WE DON’T.   
  
**Tim:** *sigh* Iṣ it yồur ass   
  
**Cassie:** It’s my ass!!   
  
**Violet:** I did not like that game very much. :^/   
  
**Bart:** LET’S DO CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY   
  
**Jaime:** But Gar and Violet are babies.   
  
**Garfield:** SHUT UP JAIME I WANNA PLAY CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY   
  
**Violet:** Me too!!    
  
**Tim:** Thỉs is gộing to end ɓadly I kǹow it   
  
**Steph:** cass and i are playing too!   
  
**Tim:** Evện worse! I çan’t believe ẅe’re about tố play the dirtiest cẵrd game known to mấn with three bonafiďe babies. The church ŵill never take mẹ back after thís   
  
**Bart:** everyone go download the app so we can play okay!!!   
  
**Bart:** and tim stop being so dramatic we’re a bunch of teenagers playing an inappropriate card game, it could be so much worse we could be smoking crack   
  
**Garfield:** can I invite someone to play with us? I made friends with the foreign exchange student perdita a while ago and she doesn’t have many friends yet so it would be crash to include her in group stuff   
  
**Cassie:** Oh good, we’re introducing FOUR innocents to this cursed game. We’re going to jail for this aren’t we   
  
**Bart:** yep! now everyone download the app so we can get to playing   
  
**Ed:** Abandon all hope ye who enter here   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Cameron > Artemis** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **21:07 EST**

**Cameron:** so lemme get this straight   
  
**Cameron:** your friend zatanna’s got a weird plague doctor thing goin on, roy is wearing a cowboy hat, i’m pretty sure that’s our student body pres with fish on his suit, raquel has zombie makeup for some reason?? and i’m not even gonna ask about the rich kid and his glitter tux   
  
**Artemis:** Yup that sounds about right   
  
**Cameron:** because god forbid your group does anything normal   
  
**Artemis:** We’d die instantly   
  
**Cameron:** lmao loser   
  
**Artemis:** Bitch   
  
**Cameron:** tramp   
  
**Artemis:** Btw where did you run off to? You were here like ten seconds ago what the fuck who taught you sorcery   
  
**Cameron:** behind the bleachers for a smoke break. wanna join?   
  
**Artemis:** I’m good. But when you’re done you should come back to the dance floor, Roy’s butchering the cotton eyed joe and it’s the kind of entertainment no video could properly capture   
  
**Cameron:** be there in a minute   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Megan > Conner <3** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 13** **  
** **23:54 EST**

**Megan:** CONNER WHERE AR EYOU THEY’RE ANNOUNCING THE PROM QUEEN AND KING IN SIX MINUTES MY CORONATION IS APPROACHING!!!!   
  
**Conner <3: ** im in the bathroom   
  
**Megan:** PEE ON YOUR OWN TIME MAN I HAVE A CROWN TO WIN   
  
**Conner <3: ** i know i should probably be annoyed at the queenzilla stuff but honestly im getting goosebumps right now. is this what straight people feel like all the time??   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **00:12 EST**

**Cassie:** Well that was the most shocking game of Cards Against Humanity I’ve ever participated in o_o   
  
**Jaime:** I have no words.   
  
**Ed:** I know Violet’s skill is because they’ve been around us heathens for too long and that Gar was a lost cause from the start but   
  
**Ed:** Who the HELL taught Tim’s little sister about all of that stuff???   
  
**Tim:** i’m cønvinced that Cāss just guessed ōn every questɨon and got luckỹ. That’s the ộnly way I’ll be ẫble to sleep at ñight   
  
**Bart:** who expected perdita to win though amiright? I feel like I need to wash my brain with holy water now from reading those write-in cards. I didn’t even know what most of those things WERE until tonight   
  
**Steph:** yeah she fucking SLAUGHTERED us what an absolute queen. you picked a good friend there gar   
  
**Garfield:** believe me it’s been noted   
**  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Dick > Megan** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **00:28 EST**

**Dick:** I’d go and say this to you in person, but you know how it is. What’s the point of having rafters in the gym if there’s no one to perch on them like a bird and drop handfuls of sequins onto everyone on the dance floor?   
  
**Dick:** But I gotta hand it to you Megs. You do make an awesome queen   
  
**Megan:** Thanks Dick (^ᴗ^)   
  
**Megan:** I’m sorry you didn’t win, I know you were looking forward to it but you’ll always be a killer queen in my eyes   
  
**Dick:** Awww <3   
  
**Megan:** And if you’re planning on coming down from those rafters anytime soon I’ve got a surprise for you   
  
**Dick:** Oh? :3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **00:35 EST**

**Dickish:** QUEEN MEGAN GAVE ME HER TIARA!!!   
  
**Dickish:** [image sent]   
  
**Dickish:** I’m the prettiest princess in all the land (◡‿◡✿)   
  
**Barbie:** You truly are the dancing queen...only seventeen...   
  
**Dickish:** YOU’RE DARN RIGHT I’M THE DANCING QUEEN I FEEL REGAL AS FUCK RIGHT NOW   
  
**Bruce:** Language.   
  
**Dickish:** Regal as...heck?   
  
**Bruce:** Better. And tell Megan I said congratulations.   
  
**Barbie:** *gasp* Is that an EMOTION I’m sensing?? In this economy??   
  
**Bruce:** No.   
  
**Dickish:** Careful B, your feelings are showing again. Can’t let anyone know you have emotions lurking in that squishy old heart of yours <3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **01:24 EST**

**Wally:** dude where’d you go? we’re about to head out for the beach and zatanna’s getting antsy   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Be there in a sec, just stealing some balloons from the arch at the entrance   
  
**Wally:** theft! take this miscreant away boys!   
  
**Ric Grayson:** It’s not stealing if no one wants it. Ratatouille taught me that   
  
**Wally:** sorry about the prom queen thing by the way. I know you had your heart set on winning   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Did I? :)   
  
**Wally:** didn’t you?   
  
**Ric Grayson:** I have my heart set on a lot of things Wally. Like winning the 69th season of Project Runway, for instance. Or moving to wherever you and Artemis live after I graduate from the police academy that way we can have our houses next to each others with a shared swimming pool stretching into both of our backyards   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Or messing with my friend in the weeks leading up to her becoming prom queen just for the hell of it   
  
**Wally:** so you never actually wanted to be prom queen? at all?   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Sure I did a little, but I have next year to become the first male prom queen in Happy Harbor history. This was Megan’s year to shine   
  
**Wally:** kinda risky don’t you think? I mean what if you actually won   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Oh I wasn’t worried about that. And don’t get all fired up, I’m not the kind of guy who makes the same mistake twice. No cheating for me anymore   
  
**Wally:** even though you cheated your way into the running in the first place but go on   
  
**Ric Grayson:** I did my part by voting for Megan the legal way this time, didn’t even hack into the polls or anything   
  
**Wally:** really?   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Okay maybe I hacked a little    
  
**Wally:** there it is   
  
**Ric Grayson:** But all I did was erase any votes I got, which lemme just say wasn’t even necessary because Megan beat me by a landslide like the superstar she is   
  
**Wally:** wow. so you’re really okay with losing and everything?   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Hell yeah. Megs winning her tiara was the goal all along. Though it is worth saying that this thing looks SPECTACULAR on me too   
  
**Ric Grayson:** [image sent]   
  
**Wally:** luckyyyy I want a cool hat   
  
**Ric Grayson:** What happened to your fedora?   
  
**Wally:** artemis stole it from me an hour ago and is dead set on wearing it for the rest of the night. I’d take it back but she looks like a sexy vietnamese frank sinatra tbh so this is ultimately a way better deal   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **02:15 EST**

**Jaime:** WHAT IF THERE WAS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE INSTEAD OF FINGERNAILS EVERYONE HAD TINY SNAKES ON THE ENDS OF THEIR FINGERS AND TOES LIKE MEDUSA BUT WITH NAILS INSTEAD OF HAIR AND EVERYONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING CARE OF THEIR FINGERSNAKES AND FEEDING THEM AND KEEPING THEM CLEAN AND EVERYONE WEARS SANDALS INSTEAD OF SNEAKERS BECAUSE THE TOENAIL SNAKES GET CRAMPED IN THERE AND GOING TO THE SALON IS A SOLEMN EVENT BECAUSE ALL OF THE OTHER SNAKES HATE YOU FOR KILLING THEIR BRETHREN AND ALSO THEY HAVE SUPER LONG FORKS AND SPOONS IN THAT UNIVERSE BECAUSE OTHERIWISE YOUR FINGERSNAKES WILL EAT YOUR FOOD SO YOU HAVE TO BE VIGILANT AND INSTEAD OF SCRATCHING PEOEPL YOU HAVE YOUR FINGERSNAKES BITE THEM AND THAT’S JUST HOW LIFE IS IN THAT UNIVERSE WOULDN’T THAT BE SO FUCKING WILD.   
  
**Traci:** Please go to sleep   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Ginger #1** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **04:26 EST**

**Roy:** So?   
  
**Ginger #1:** so….what?   
  
**Roy:** So you just had your senior prom and you’re graduating in three weeks. I already talk to Kal every day and I live with Artemis so I know where their feelings are at and Conner, Megan, and Raquel have all been chill but I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to you about it.   
  
**Ginger #1:** working on a psychology degree?   
  
**Roy:** Trying to be a dad friend. And I figured you wouldn’t want to talk about your feelings out loud while being part of a sleepy post-prom cuddle pile in the back of Conner’s truck.   
  
**Ginger #1:** I’m good I think. everything’s happening kind of fast with prom and finals and graduation all so close together but...idk   
  
**Ginger #1:** the anxiety isn’t like it usually is   
  
**Roy:** That’s a good thing right?   
  
**Ginger #1:** I think so. I keep expecting something to go horribly wrong and derail everything but the more time goes on, the more things are falling into place   
  
**Roy:** Good to hear. Honestly graduation isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. TV and movies make it seem like this huge milestone but all it is is one more little step up a huge ass staircase. And you’re nowhere near the top.   
  
**Ginger #1:** gee that’s comforting   
  
**Roy:** You know what I mean. It’s not the huge beginning or ending everyone expects it to be. If anything it’s just another chapter in a book.   
  
**Ginger #1:** you’re really on a metaphor kick tonight huh   
  
**Roy:** I figured if I throw out enough of them a good one will stick.   
  
**Ginger #1:** you don’t have to worry about me dude, really. for once in my life I’m just going with the flow and letting it all happen. it’s weirdly relaxing not looking for reasons to panic these days   
  
**Roy:** Good. You deserve a kickass senior year, just like all the rest of these weirdos.   
  
**Ginger #1:** that’s the hard part   
  
**Roy:** Kicking ass?   
  
**Ginger #1:** graduating with the weirdos   
  
**Roy:** Ah. Are you having second thoughts about going all the way to Stanford?   
  
**Ginger #1:** no way, artemis and I are dead set on california and I honestly can’t wait   
  
**Ginger #1:** I’m just...I’m really really going to miss these guys   
  
**Roy:** We’re not going anywhere Walls, distance doesn’t mean a thing when it comes to friendship.   
  
**Ginger #1:** but it’s still going to be different and that’s the part that scares me   
  
**Roy:** Things like us don’t change unless you let them, Wally. And hell, even if the friendships do change a little, that’s not the same as ending right? Everything's going to be okay.   
  
**Ginger #1:** yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the prom outfits everyone wore in case you were wondering:
> 
> [Zatanna's dress](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/40/fd/60/40fd60f60ed3225a9a9da9c22e5593a3.jpg) plus a [plague mask because she knows fashion.](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/e5/97/18/e597184da97d4e41bb3145783d91ea7d.jpg)
> 
> [Megan's dress!! What a queen!!](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/e4/70/47/e470470bd5c3b8ddf814b46c0d536cfe.jpg)
> 
> [Artemis' dress minus Wally's fedora but it's there in spirit.](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/2f/3c/96/2f3c9601c99f639607a9afbb01b125fe.jpg)
> 
> [Raquel's dress](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/f1/87/90/f1879089bb6b77941067558d22c18bff.jpg) plus zombie makeup because we're Classy in this house.
> 
> [Dick's fantabulous glitter tux.](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/f1/be/81/f1be813f52d54cabf6d0688a454a06c5.jpg)
> 
> [Conner's wearing something that's not a black t-shirt for once!! Hallelujah!!](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/76/28/64/762864abd2e36d4db36467b0f9364c83.jpg)
> 
> [Roy's fucking cowboy outfit what an icon.](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/f5/75/76/f57576162e821d2d6745776033edc21c.jpg)
> 
> [Wally is a fashion icon and we don't deserve him.](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/fd/1a/38/fd1a38a36a95803bad40a0069ef98318.jpg)
> 
> [Kaldur's sushi suit.](https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/images.linnlive.com/51d83020f3ba02e508f5f28a931540c2/5ea62f9f-6079-45df-8cd9-ff5d902584da.jpg)
> 
> [Bonus: I want Tula to seduce me in this outfit.](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/35/13/6a/35136a0a75a36e5a3ab83a90c3d12b5a.jpg)


	35. Spoiler Alert Fuckers!! Bambie's Mother Dies in Avenger's Endgame!! Your Childhood is Now Ruined You're Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis gets a nose ring, Garfield learns he's been lied to his entire life, and Zatanna is a magical entrepreneur.

**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **19:21 EST**

**Zatanna Zatara has removed Artemis Crock from the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Dick:** Assassin!   
  
**Zatanna:** don’t worry we’ll add her back after u hack in later and delete this conversation from the chat   
  
**Dick:** Okay you’ve got my attention, what’s happening what are we doing is it crime?? Are we staging a heist?? Dethroning a tyrannical dictator?? Finally tracking down the Scranton Strangler and bringing him to justice???   
  
**Zatanna:** i saw this selfie on artemis’s snap story ten minutes ago   
  
**Zatanna:** [image sent]   
  
**Dick:** Significantly less exciting but okay   
  
**Megan:** She looks cute!   
  
**Zatanna:** yes megan we all know it’s cute artemis is a fucking goddess and i want her to step on me, but if u would please direct ur attention to her left nostril   
  
**Megan:** I don’t get— OH. Oh wow   
  
**Dick:** What the fUCK??   
  
**Raquel:** Since when does Artemis have a nose ring???   
  
**Zatanna:** exactly babes!!! where did this come from!!!   
  
**Conner:** obviously she got it today or else we would have seen it before   
  
**Kaldur:** No, I am fairly certain she has always had it. Hasn’t she?   
  
**Dick:** I definitely would have noticed if Artemis had a nose ring   
  
**Zatanna:** would u tho??? because i can’t remember in any of my memories if she’s got a nose ring or not and it’s breaking my BRAIN   
  
**Dick:** If she got it today she would have said something right? Or at least have put it more into focus in the picture to show it off   
  
**Roy:** Idk man Artemis has never been the type to draw attention to stuff like this. That being said, I also have no idea where this came from but the more I think about it the more I’m sure she’s always had it ever since the day she was born.   
  
**Conner:** you live with her shouldnt you know these things   
  
**Roy:** I’M A BUSY PERSON CONNER I CAN’T ACCOUNT FOR EVERY NOSE RING AND DIMPLE.   
  
**Zatanna:** arty doesn’t have dimples   
  
**Megan:** I have dimples!! They make me look cute :3c   
  
**Conner:** they really really do   
  
**Dick:** Wally what do you think? Has Artemis always had a nose ring or did she just get it today   
  
**Wally:** excellent question! :)   
  
**Megan:** You don’t know do you   
  
**Wally:** no I do not   
  
**Roy:** You’re near her face all the time! You’re telling me you can’t remember if she’s always had a piercing sticking out of her schnozz or not??   
  
**Wally:** it’s a tiny stud and I’m unobservant!!!! plus I wear secret glasses like a nerdy protagonist in a high school movie so POW there’s my excuse and if you have a problem you can take it up with my lawyer   
  
**Kaldur:** Why don’t we simply look through the prom photos we all took and search for a nose ring? That way we will know for sure whether she has had it for a long time or not.   
  
**Raquel:** She could have just taken it out for prom. Hell she could have coincidentally taken it out every day we took a picture of her which gives us no reliable sources to work with   
  
**Kaldur:** I do not think that is statistically probable.   
  
**Wally:** anything’s statistically probable if you have enough anxiety   
  
**Conner:** what do we do then? if we say nothing and she just got it artemis will be mad we didnt notice the change and if we assume she just got it and shes actually had it this whole time shell be mad we didnt notice for two years. catch 22   
  
**Dick:** I’m all for drawing straws to see which of us will have to take one for the team and ask her and risk being called out for, y’know, not noticing she’s had a nose piercing the entire time we’ve known her   
  
**Megan:** We’re bad friends   
  
**Roy:** We’re not bad friends, just stupid friends. We’re a tribe of helpless himbos and London Tiptons we can’t help it.   
  
**Zatanna:** shit shit arty’s texting me asking why she’s not in the chat anymore EVERYONE LEAVE THE CHAT AND ADD YOURSELVES AGAIN SO WE CAN PRETEND IT WAS A GLITCH GO GO GO   
  
**Zatanna:** dick i can count on u to delete the convo?   
  
**Dick:** Done and done   
  
**Zatanna:** GO TEAM   
  
**Conner Kent has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Zatanna Zatara has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Raquel Ervin has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Megan Morse has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Dick Grayson has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Kaldur Durham has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Roy Harper has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Wally West has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **19:39 EST**

**Dick Grayson has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Kaldur Durham has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Artemis Crock has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Roy Harper has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Megan Morse has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Wally West has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Conner Kent has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Raquel Ervin has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Zatanna Zatara has been added to the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Artemis:** What just happened??   
  
**Dick:** Huh that was really weird   
  
**Wally:** I just got kicked out of the chat?? and mysteriously resurrected?? that’s so strange   
  
**Zatanna:** very interesting! i have no idea how that happened how crazy   
  
**Conner:** must have been a glitch   
  
**Megan:** Yes that must be it, it was a glitch!! Definitely not something any of us did   
  
**Dick:** Yep yup yes ‘twas a glitch   
  
**Artemis:** Weird   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 14** **  
** **22:11 EST**

**Ed:** Help I’m watching a sad movie and need an emotional support buddy   
  
**Bart:** I VOLUNTEER   
  
**Steph:** I ALSO VOLUNTEER   
  
**Bart:** heck no ed is my boyfriend get your own   
  
**Steph:** yeah but ed gives the best hugs when he’s emotional! it’s like a tender steak slowly squeezing a ripe mango...so comforting   
  
**Ed:** That’s the most uncomfortable sentence I’ve ever read how do I unsubscribe   
  
**Steph:** anytime edmund pevensie anytime   
  
**Jaime:** What movie are you watching?   
  
**Ed:** Titanic. The tears are brimming compañeros   
  
**Bart:** in that case nOPE fuck that no way am I watching that movie nope nope nope   
  
**Violet:** Yes I have heard terribly sad things about Titanic and I would never watch it. Once I start crying I do not stop it is like that video of Mr. Savage crashing his car into a fire hydrant and flooding the street. Never again.    
  
**Cassie:** Yeah man even I’m not badass enough to watch that movie   
  
**Garfield:** what are you guys talking about? Titanic isn’t sad   
  
**Ed:** ??? Yes it is I’m watching it right now and technically it’s not close to the sad part yet but still   
  
**Jaime:** Which part are you at?   
  
**Ed:** He’s drawing her like one of his french girls   
  
**Steph:** oh how i want to be draped on a lavishly fancy couch, tits out with an expensive necklace around my neck as leonardo dicaprio draws me with his bieber hair swaying in the salty sea wind like a fluffy dancer with rubber bones   
  
**Bart:** you really want the monopoly on unnerving sentences today huh   
  
**Steph:** yes i do   
  
**Garfield:** I have no idea what you’re talking about, Titanic is a sweet movie there’s not a single sad part I can think of   
  
**Jaime:** Have you ever seen it?   
  
**Garfield:** of course I have and that’s why I know it’s a happy romance movie   
  
**Bart:** that doesn’t sound right to me   
  
**Garfield:** sure it does. I mean my sister covered my eyes during the nsfw scenes and wouldn’t let me watch the second half because she said it was boring, but everyone knows it ends with Jack and Rose running away together and selling the necklace to get rich and living happily ever after   
  
**Steph:** o_o   
  
**Cassie:** Oh honey   
  
**Ed:** Yeahhh that’s not how Titanic ends   
  
**Garfield:** yes it is Megan told me and she doesn’t lie   
  
**Jaime:** Everyone dies at the end of the movie ese, sorry.   
  
**Garfield:** you guys are pulling my leg right. you're lying to me   
  
**Cassie:** Gar it’s based on an ACTUAL historical tragedy how could you not know this   
  
**Garfield:** uhhh artistic deviation from the true story?   
  
**Jaime:** Nope they crash into an iceberg and almost everyone dies including Jack because he couldn’t fit on the floating door.   
  
**Garfield:** Megan told me the raft debate was about a carnival ride scene!!   
  
**Steph:** nope there’s no carnival, everyone drowns and dies   
  
**Violet:** Your sister was probably trying to preserve your innocence by hiding the truth from you.   
  
**Bart:** I just don’t understand how you went your whole life without knowing how titanic ends?? it’s one of those things that everyone just Knows, like how mufasa dies in the lion king everybody KNOWS that from the minute they’re born   
  
**Garfield:** MUFASA DIES TOO?????   
  
**Steph:** nice going bart   
  
**Bart:** whoops   
  
**Cassie:** You didn’t see that movie either Gar?   
  
**Garfield:** I DID SEE IT BUT MEGAN SKIPPED THE STAMPEDE SCENE   
  
**Cassie:** And you never wondered why Mufasa wasn’t there for the rest of the movie?   
  
**Garfield:** SHE SAID HE BROKE HIS LEG AND HAD TO BE PUT IN A LION HOSPITAL AND THAT’S WHY SIMBA HAD TO BE KING BECAUSE HIS DAD NEEDED ROUND THE CLOCK CARE AND COULDN’T TAKE ON ANY STRESSFUL KING RESPONSIBILITIES BUT THEY TOLD EVERYONE HE WAS DEAD SO THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY RESISTANCE FROM THE ANIMAL POPULOUS ABOUT THE SHIFT IN THE GOVERNMENT   
  
**Ed:** Nope he got crushed to death by hundreds of wildebeest after getting pushed off the cliff by Scar   
  
**Garfield:** oh my god this changes everything. whenever we’d watch a movie Megan would skip all of the boring parts and sometimes the endings but I thought she was just a really impatient movie watcher!!   
  
**Steph:** sorry pal, looks like your whole life has been a lie   
  
**Garfield:** wait wait okay so Megan told me that at the end of charlotte’s web Charlotte met a male spider and they traveled to montana together   
  
**Steph:** nah she died   
  
**Garfield:** toy story 3?   
  
**Ed:** Andy gives the toys away to some kid   
  
**Garfield:** marley and me???   
  
**Violet:** Dog dies.   
  
**Garfield:** I can’t believe this!!! next you’re gonna tell me that Hazel dies at the end of the fault in our stars or something   
  
**Bart:** uhh   
  
**Garfield:** OH COME ON   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 15** **  
** **12:29 EST**

**Zatanna:** good news everyone!! i’m charging $5 for psychic readings now so u can hear ur fortune and know about the future!   
  
**Raquel:** Oh boy I can’t wait to know what the rest of 2020 holds for us, no doubt all good things!   
  
**Roy:** Are you even licensed to give psychic readings?   
  
**Zatanna:** no but neither was the girl from charlie brown and she did it anyway   
  
**Roy:** Pretty sure that was psychology but okay.   
  
**Zatanna:** besides i wear beanies so u know u can trust me   
  
**Megan:** Read my fortune read my fortune!!!   
  
**Zatanna:** ok u get the friend discount because i love u   
  
**Megan:** (˶◕ω◕˶✿)   
  
**Zatanna:** i’m looking into the future…..predicting thy fate….   
  
**Zatanna:** the spirits informed me that u will have a good life!!   
  
**Megan:** What a relief!   
  
**Wally:** that’s not even fortune-telling, you’re just making up vague things that most people want to hear   
  
**Kaldur:** I would love to have my fortune told as well!   
  
**Zatanna:** ok!   
  
**Zatanna:** oh no the spirits want u to know that if u go to mexico today u will drop ur wallet in a sewer and lose it forever   
  
**Kaldur:** Good thing I am not going to Mexico today! I sure dodged a bullet.   
  
**Roy:** What about me Zee what does my future hold?   
  
**Zatanna:** hmm analyzing...analyzing…   
  
**Zatanna:** it says ur going to earn money soon!   
  
**Roy:** OH MY GOD I’M GETTING MY PAYCHECK AT THE END OF NEXT WEEK HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT.   
  
**Wally:** because she knows you work at the dick store!!! she’s just stating the obvious so it sounds like mystical fate stuff it’s all a hoax   
  
**Zatanna:** oh yeah heckler? then why don’t i read ur fortune and u can decide whether to believe me or not   
  
**Wally:** go for it witch   
  
**Zatanna:** consulting the fates...making the magical magic happen…..   
  
**Zatanna:** oh no!   
  
**Megan:** Oh no??   
  
**Zatanna:** sorry wally but the spirits say ur gonna die soon ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Megan:** Oh no that’s terrible!!! D:   
  
**Wally:** what a shame. and I was so looking forward to reaching the drinking age   
  
**Kaldur:** How long does he have left???   
  
**Zatanna:** the spirits say he’s gonna get hit by a truck very very soon as punishment for not believing in my psychic powers   
  
**Megan:** SAY YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC WALLY SAY YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC   
  
**Wally:** no? guys she’s making this up you know that right   
  
**Roy:** DON’T MESS WITH FATE WALLY THE SPIRITS ARE PISSED AT YOU NOW.   
  
**Wally:** oh my GOD you’re all so gullible. you know what? if magic is real then dick’s getting an ELEPHANT because THAT’S how unlikely it is   
  
**Dick:** GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT BARBARA SENT ME A DUMBO COLLECTOR’S FIGURINE IN THE MAIL!!!  
  
**Dick:** Anyway what's everyone talking about, magic or something?   
  
**Zatanna:** say bye bye to wally kids :)   
  
**Wally:** THIS IS PURE COINCIDENCE   
  
**Kaldur:** I will miss you deeply Wally, you were a good friend and a better lover. You shall be remembered.   
  
**Wally:** thanks that was super weird   
  
**Roy:** I still remember the time we attached balloons to your house and went on a tropical vacation where we killed an elderly man and stole his dogs...oh how I long for the past...   
  
**Wally:** pretty sure that’s the plot of up   
  
**Megan:** Wally, I will never forget the time we fought in Vietnam and went on to start a shrimp company together...such fond memories   
  
**Wally:** forrest gump?   
  
**Zatanna:** wallman, u were a good man and will be dearly missed. especially after hearing about ur heroics when ur child was kidnapped and u left a path of carnage in ur wake as u risked everything to save them from the clutches of their captors   
  
**Wally:** yeah yeah I’ve watched taken before I know the plot   
  
**Zatanna:** that was finding nemo u ignorant slut   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, June 17** **  
** **14:34 EST**

**Steph:** tim just fell asleep on a roller coaster what the fuck??? what the fuck???? what the fuck?????   
  
**Traci:** He’s sleeby let him rest!!   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, June 17** **  
** **16:00 EST**

**Dick:** If I were a rapper my name would be “Big D”   
  
**Zatanna:** but ur two feet tall so shouldn’t it be small d?   
  
**Wally:** DFGHJKGH that is the single greatest roast I’ve ever heard in my entire life zatanna I want to shake your hand   
  
**Dick:** For that Zee I’m going to physically manifest in your home and eat your dog. Consequences must be paid   
  
**Zatanna:** joke’s on u small d i don’t HAVE a dog   
  
**Dick:** I will buy you a dog and then eat it   
  
**Zatanna:** U MONSTER   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, June 18** **  
** **17:12 EST**

**Artemis:** I F O U N D I T   
  
**Baywatch:** oh boy you found my will to live?? I haven’t seen that in so long! must have been hiding next to my mental stability and old childhood potential   
  
**Artemis:** What did I say when we started the jar system? For every self-deprecating comment you gotta put a dollar in the jar   
  
**Baywatch:** yeah yeah I know the drill. totally worth it   
  
**Baywatch:** so what did you find?   
  
**Artemis:** I found the perfect apartment for us!   
  
**Baywatch:** well that was fast, we’ve only been in the market for a week you speed demon   
  
**Artemis:** I’m an incredible finder   
  
**Baywatch:** says the slytherin. anyways tell me about it what’s the place like?? does it have a ceiling I hope there’s a ceiling   
  
**Artemis:** wELL it’s in Palo Alto and the landlords are renting out their second floor which is all furnished, allows dogs, has super cheap rent, and!!! It’s only ten minutes from Stanford!!!   
  
**Artemis:** I have a ton of pictures too so check it out and tell me what you think   
  
**Artemis:** [image sent]   
  
**Artemis:** [image sent]   
  
**Artemis:** [image sent]   
  
**Baywatch:** wow   
  
**Artemis:** Good wow right?   
  
**Baywatch:** super good wow. this place is kind of perfect    
  
**Artemis:** I know right?? I already filled out an application for it but I wanted to get your opinion first before I sent it in. Thoughts?   
  
**Baywatch:** it looks amazing   
  
**Artemis:** That wasn’t an answer   
  
**Baywatch:** I definitely think we should apply, this would be the perfect place for us   
  
**Artemis:** But?   
  
**Baywatch:** there’s no but   
  
**Artemis:** There’s definitely a but somewhere I can sense it. What’s wrong, do you not like it?   
  
**Baywatch:** nothing’s wrong with the apartment it’s great, I just...idk. I think it’s just finally starting to sink in that this is really happening. we’re really doing this   
  
**Artemis:** Are you still good with moving away and everything? Because if you’re having second thoughts you can tell me and we’ll figure something out   
  
**Baywatch:** no, no second thoughts. we should definitely take the apartment, it’s just taking a lot of adjustment I guess but I really do want this   
  
**Artemis:** You sure?   
  
**Baywatch:** very sure   
  
**Artemis:** Okay then I’ll give the landlord our info and tell you when I hear back   
  
**Baywatch:** sweet   
  
**Baywatch:** by the way I forgot to tell you before, I really dig the nose ring ;)   
  
**Artemis:** I was wondering when someone would finally ask about it. I got it the day after prom   
  
**Baywatch:** how come you didn’t say anything when you got it?    
  
**Artemis:** Because I like fucking with my friends and I knew none of you would be able to figure out if I already had it or not. You like it?   
  
**Baywatch:** I love it. it makes you look even more badass than usual   
  
**Artemis:** If you want brownie points you should tell everyone that I’ve had it for years and we can watch them scramble to find evidence that doesn’t exist   
  
**Baywatch:** YES   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 19** **  
** **11:11 EST**

**Cassie:** Would you rather punch a porcupine or kick an updog   
  
**Tim:** Whát’s ẳ pơrcupiñe   
  
**Bart:** what’s a porky pine   
  
**Steph:** what’s a porcupine   
  
**Violet:** What’s a porcupine   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Wally > Ric Grayson** **  
** **  
** **Saturday, June 20** **  
** **23:58 EST**

**Wally:** was feeling anxious before so i took a xanax and that’s now coupled with the fact that i’m tired and have no filter even on a good day so bear with me for a sec here ok   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Okay?   
  
**Wally:** i’m scared about graduating. there i said it   
  
**Wally:** and my biggest hugest most gigantic fear right now, bigger than snakes and thunderstorms and thinking about the vastness of space and how we’re tinier than specks compared to everything else in it, is that once i graduate and leave for stanford you’re going to find a new best friend and i’m gonna be left alone. so there ya go. cards on the table   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Wally how could you think I’d ever do that? Just because you’ll be farther away doesn’t mean you’ll be any less important to me you know that   
  
**Wally:** do we know that for sure though? i mean you’re going to be so busy with your senior year and i’m gonna be doing college stuff and i know we both agreed we’re going to facetime every night and text constantly and trade off on visiting each other monthly but what if it isn’t enough? what if our friendship fizzles out and we drift apart from each other’s lives like the fifth beatle when he left the band?   
  
**Ric Grayson:** That won’t happen. Just because we’re going to be long distance for a while doesn’t mean anything has to change   
  
**Wally:** but that’s the point dick, things ARE changing whether we want them to or not. artemis and i are going away. roy’s going to be spending more time with lian now. kaldur and megan and conner and raquel and zatanna, pretty soon they’re all going to be miles away starting their own lives and you!! you’re the best friend i’ve ever had and i know that things have to change but i don’t WANT them to change, i don’t want to lose you and have to figure things out on my own and not be able to see you every day and it’s just   
  
**Wally:** it’s a lot. and i don’t know if i’m ready to let go of everything just yet   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Okay fine, so maybe some things do have to change. There’s no getting around the long distance thing and I’m sure we’ll both be busy all the time and we’ll miss a lot of stuff but...okay can I be gay with you for a second?   
  
**Wally:** be as gay as you want   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Long distance relationships—INCLUDING platonic ones—are always the hardest when you really care about each other because there’s nothing worse than not being with the person you love most. That part’s going to suck no matter what   
  
**Ric Grayson:** But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s the end, just something different. That’s a part of growing up right? People change, situations change, but you being my best friend isn’t something that’s going to change anytime soon no matter how everything else does   
  
**Wally:** what if you’re wrong? what if you get so caught up with your shitty new friends that you forget about me and i fade out of your life completely until you’re eighty and remembering the good old days with whatshisname who moved to california and was never heard from again?   
  
**Ric Grayson:** You kidding? I could never forget you Walls. There isn’t a single universe where I could forget about my best friend   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Besides I’m like herpes, you couldn’t get rid of me even if you tried because I’m an extremely aggressive disease   
  
**Wally:** you promise?   
  
**Ric Grayson:** Pinkie promise   
  
**Wally:** i’m gonna hold you to that   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 21** **  
** **07:31 EST**

**Dickish:** Happy Father’s Day Bruce!!!!!    
  
**Jaybird:** whaddup father dearest we love you so goddamn much 8=====D   
  
**Dickish:** You just made a dick   
  
**Jaybird:** no it’s an alien who’s really excited about father’s day 8=====D love you daddy 8=====D got so much pure and unbridled love for you in my heart 8=====D   
  
**Bruce:** I know what a penis emoticon looks like Jason.   
  
**Jaybird:** well I tried. happy father’s day b try not to die before next year’s   
  
**Jaybird is now offline.** **  
** **  
** **Barbie:** Is it weird that that’s the most affectionate thing I’ve ever heard him say?   
  
**Dickish:** He’s got a heart of gold in there trust me he’s just bad at showing it   
  
**Dickish:** Anyway FATHER’S DAY!!!! I got you a tie like I do every year and you’ll NEVER guess what’s on it   
  
**Bruce:** Is it your face?   
  
**Dickish:** It’s my face!!!!   
  
**Bruce:** I’m thrilled.   
  
**Dickish:** All you gotta do is wear one of my super special face ties to work and I’ll stop getting them for you~~   
  
**YUMMMMM:** håppy fathér’s day Bruce!!!!! Cān I just say you’ve alẅays been like a fấther to me… :’) and I’m nỏt just saying that bễcause you adopted me ậnd there’s a receipt whỉch means you could ṛeturn me to the tħrift store you gőt me from at a ḿoment’s nǒtice   
  
**Bruce:** Thank you, Tim.    
  
**YUMMMMM:** Jaşon and I chipped ǐn to buy you a Stǎrbucks gift card bễcause I dropped tḥe ball and thought Ƒather’s Day was in Ǒctober for some rểason so I rushed ổut to get it for yoữ last night while Jảson tried to buy ẳlcohol and almost ǧot us kicked ơut of the CṼS   
  
**Bruce:** I appreciate the gift card, thank you.   
  
**Purple Ninja:** happy father’s day dad!!!! <3   
  
**Bruce:** Thanks Stephanie but how many times do I need to remind you that I’m not your father?   
  
**Purple Ninja:** don’t care! my gift to you this year is that i won’t break into your house this morning to drink whipped cream from the can. you get a one day reprieve old man, appreciate it   
  
**Bruce:** That’s the best gift anyone’s ever gotten me.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Kaldur** **  
** **  
** **Sunday, June 21** **  
** **08:19 EST**

**Dick:** Happy father’s day Daddy uwu ;)   
  
**Kaldur:** This is the final straw. I’m dropping my phone in a ravine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two chapters left!!! I referenced so many movies this chapter what the fuck that wasn't even intentional. Also I'm super tired so I'm going to bed the second I finish posting this and therefore if there's any mistakes I'll edit them tomorrow because I don't have the energy rn okay GOODNIGHT PEEPS.


	36. Whelmed, Traught, and Feeling the Aster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone prepares for the end of the school year. Future plans are made, yearbooks are signed, and a new captain is chosen to lead GSA next year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Barbie movie soundtracks and Frozen 2 songs on repeat while editing this. What has my life come to.
> 
> And I know I keep saying this but like. I'm so sorry to all you high school seniors whose schools have stayed shut down due to COVID-19, I feel for you guys and I hope this chapter can lift your spirits a little. Also I accidentally killed an ant today and I feel horrible for that even hours later. This has nothing to do with the fic I just have a lot of feelings about it.

**Wally > Megalicious** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 22** **  
** **07:42 EST**

**Wally:** okay let’s run through it one last time   
  
**Wally:** you'll visit me and artemis every ninth wednesday and I’ll visit you and conner every fourth sunday and eighth saturday. we tag team with kaldur to see roy in dc once every four months and go shopping with raquel and zatanna on treat yo’ self day aka october 13th at the central city mall which is roughly halfway between all of us   
  
**Wally:** we alternate on thanksgiving and easter except for winter 2024 when we go on our vacation to disney world together under the guise of a “stress relief vacay in wisconsin” after which we’ll hide the pictures and merch in a secret bank lockbox in maryland so no one knows of our ruse   
  
**Wally:** did I get everything?   
  
**Megalicious:** I think so! But the more I think about it the more I feel like we should invite Artemis and Conner to join us on the Disney trip. They can sit and angst together in the shade while you and I ride roller coasters all day and meet Winnie the Pooh   
  
**Wally:** but we had a pact!! bromance before romance!! homies before hoe-mies!! louses before spouses!!   
  
**Megalicious:** But I’m clingy and would feel bad leaving Conner for that long :(   
  
**Wally:** you hopeless softie   
  
**Megalicious:** Besides, we can still have bff fun with our significant others there it'll be fine   
  
**Wally:** excUSE you megawatt, you are the only significant other I need in my life  
  
 **Wally:** besides artemis   
  
**Wally:** and dick   
  
**Wally:** and roy once in middle school but we said no homo so it doesn’t count   
  
**Wally:** anYWAYs I’m putting all of this info in our friendship calendar so you’re not allowed to forget it okay and if you do I’m gonna don an invisibility cloak, climb in through your bedroom window in the middle of the night, and move everything you own slightly to the left so you bump into stuff all day and go crazy   
  
**Megalicious:** Trust me Wally there’s no way I could forget, cross my heart. After all you are one of my favorite people <3   
  
**Wally:** you’re one of my favorite people too <3 like my sister from another mister. my sib from another crib if you will   
  
**Megalicious:** Your lad from another dad?   
  
**Wally:** my twin from another kin   
  
**Megalicious:** My pal from another gal   
  
**Wally:** my ketchup from another packet   
  
**Megalicious:** My broccoli from another bushel   
  
**Wally:** my flea from another cat   
  
**Megalicious:** My screwdriver from another hjsgfdgtuykhjlk;nh   
  
**Wally:** megan?   
  
**Wally:** oh shit fam you dead. guess I have to scrap that five-year friendship calendar what a waste of paper. trees are DYING megan   
  
**Megalicious:** Sorry my gym teacher saw I was using my phone so I panicked and threw it at Mal   
  
**Wally:** ouch. he okay?   
  
**Megalicious:** Yeah it kind of just thunked off his bicep and fell on the floor   
  
**Wally:** he stronk   
  
**Megalicious:** One thing I know for sure is that I will NOT be missing gym class after graduation. I want to watch this place burn to the ground   
  
**Wally:** hell yeah FUCK gym class I can’t wait to sit on the couch for the rest of my life and never exercise again it’s gonna be so great   
**  
** **Megalicious:** Yeah! F*ck the gym   
  
**Wally:** megs. honey. just say fuck. no one is going to arrest you   
  
**Megalicious:** I Would Actually Rather Die But Thanks For Asking   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Roy > Kaldur** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 22** **  
** **13:28 EST**

**Roy:** So I was on the phone with Jade earlier.   
  
**Kaldur:** If you are trying to seduce me Roy I strongly suggest using a different line. 3/10 very poor performance, Gordon Ramsey would be disappointed.   
  
**Roy:** Anyone who tries to say that you’re not funny owes me ten dollars in nickels.    
  
**Kaldur:** What were you talking to Jade about?   
  
**Roy:** Well with everyone on the track to graduation and making college plans and all, I started giving some thought to my own future. More specifically the college part.   
  
**Kaldur:** Have you made any decisions? Because you know I will support you no matter what you choose.   
  
**Roy:** Nothing's set in stone yet, but I was thinking about trying out a school in DC. It wouldn't be anything major, probably just a community college to start with and after that we’ll see. But it’s closer to home than Star University and more importantly it’ll give me a chance to spend more time with Lian. Jade says she has an extra room so it’s not like it's a huge commitment or anything, but idk. I kind of like the idea of branching out and trying to be a college student again.   
  
**Kaldur:** I think it’s an excellent idea.   
  
**Roy:** You do? Because if you’re worried about us being so far apart and me living with an ex I totally understand, I would be nervous too if I were in your place.   
  
**Kaldur:** You should be with your daughter Roy, and I agree that a change of scenery would be good for you. As long as you make time for your handsome boyfriend waiting for you back home, of course.   
  
**Roy:** You kidding? A little distance is nothing when your dad is a billionaire with a couple private jets lying around. We’re going to be fine.   
  
**Kaldur:** I’m glad. I love you too much to let you go now.   
  
**Roy:** Ditto babe. **  
** **  
  
**

* * *

**  
** **  
** **Group Chat: Core Four** **  
** **  
** **Monday, June 22** **  
** **19:19 EST**

**Bartemis:** hey conner when you graduate can I have your slip n slide? for my next date night with ed I wanna cover the whole thing in olive oil for XTREME slippery slidiness and land in a kiddie pool filled with wet cement   
  
**Timber:** Sộunds kìnd of đangerouś   
  
**Bartemis:** so is everything fun in life   
  
**Casserole:** Oh yeah speaking of taking stuff, I’ve got dibs on Kon’s bedazzled shovel guys so dock that off the catalog   
  
**Bartemis:** no fair I wanted the shovel!!   
  
**Timber:** If Cậssie gets thế shovel then cần i have his coḿics   
  
**Bartemis:** fine but I call his collection of empty snail shells   
  
**Casserole:** Why would you want that?   
  
**Bartemis:** so I can put frosting in them and pretend it’s escargot obviously   
  
**Timber:** grøss   
  
**Casserole:** If I get his car then one of you can have his dog and the other can have his hundreds of plain black t-shirts   
  
**Conner:** ??? what is happening   
  
**Bartemis:** I WANT THE DOG   
  
**Timber:** I ẄANT TḤE SHỈRTS   
  
**Casserole:** Excellent   
  
**Conner:** guys im graduating not dying. stop trying to auction off my stuff   
  
**Bartemis:** calling dibs isn’t auctioning kon, THIS is auctioning   
  
**Bartemis:** alrightfellaswegotfiftyshirtsforsalefiftyshirtsforsalewhowantstobidontheselovelyshirtsdoiseeahundreddollarswhatastealheybatterbatterheybatterbatterwhowantstotakehomesomeshirtsforahundreddollarsdoiseesomeoneinthebackanyoneintheback _ SOLD _ TOTHEMANWITHTHEMUSTACHE   
  
**Casserole:** I can’t read that but I believe you   
  
**Timber:** Sŏ kon what AŘE you doinġ after graduation if it’ş not fading into the ẵfterlife? becausế I strongly recommend liṽing in the attic of a cọllege library like a homelǝss barn oŵl   
  
**Conner:** actually im not doing college. maybe in the future ill change my mind and try out a couple courses at happy harbor community but its not on the list or anything. im going with the flow   
  
**Casserole:** That’s okay, college isn’t for everyone. So what are you going to do instead?   
  
**Conner:** my motorcycle gig is sustaining me pretty well right now so i think im gonna stick with that for a while. might try for a job at a real garage for some more mechanical experience and after that who knows   
  
**Bartemis:** can you use your mechanical skills to diagnose my broken xbox?   
  
**Conner:** stop pouring apple juice in the game slot   
  
**Bartemis:** truly a master of machinery   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Keeping Up With The Waynes** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, June 23** **  
** **09:12 EST**

**Barbie:** [image sent]   
  
**Dickish:** You have a weird habit of sending me pics of plane tickets to announce that you’re going places. I vote we revert back to when people relied on telegraphs to send messages and at the end of every sentence you had to say STOP like you’re yelling at the receiver violently   
  
**Barbie:** Excellent suggestion wonder boy STOP I’m sending the ticket picture for a very good reason actually STOP I’m coming to Happy Harbor for two weeks during summer vacation STOP probably sometime mid-July STOP are you guys excited to see this queen on your home turf again STOP   
  
**Jaybird:** no STOP   
  
**Barbie:** *cough* STOP liar STOP   
  
**Bruce:** Please stop.   
  
**Barbie:** Please what? STOP   
  
**Bruce:** Stop that.   
  
**Dickish:** Bruce you’re supposed to say STOP after the sentence STOP not before the sentence STOP   
  
**Bruce:** I said stop very nicely.   
  
**Dick:** You said what nicely STOP you gotta finish your sentences Bruce STOP it's very confusing STOP   
  
**Bruce:** I give up.   
  
**Barbie:** Give up on what Bruce STOP you didn’t end your sentence with the word STOP STOP   
  
**Purple Ninja:** OHMYGOD BARBARA YOU’RE VISITING?? THAT’S SO AWESOME OH MY GOD I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU   
  
**Purple Ninja:** mostly because you have all the dirt on this family and i want in on the sauce but that’s neither here nor there   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Thện where ɨs it?   
  
**Purple Ninja:** buried it in a ditch   
  
**YUMMMMM:** _ Oħ no a ditçh you sāy?? _   
  
**Bruce:** I’m glad to hear you’re visiting Barbara, it’s going to be nice having someone sane around for once.   
  
**Barbie:** What about Alfred?   
  
**Bruce:** It’s going to be nice having two sane people around.   
  
**Cass:** :(   
  
**Bruce:** FINE FINE IT’S GOING TO BE NICE HAVING THREE SANE PEOPLE AROUND BUT THAT’S THE LIMIT OKAY.   
  
**YUMMMMM:** (I lðve how that implĭes bruce isn’t sẵne)   
  
**Jaybird:** (have you seen his outfit? of course he’s not)   
  
**Purple Ninja:** hey  ~~ daddy ~~ bruce what are you wearing   
  
**Bruce Wayne has left the conversation.** **  
** **  
** **Dickish:** SDfghjkg STEPH YOU KILLED HIM   
  
**Purple Ninja:** ‘twas an innocent question ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
  
**Jaybird:** if you really wanna know, the fucker’s wearing neon green crocs and short shorts that say “sugar daddy” on the ass   
  
**YUMMMMM:** Dểar goɗ   
  
**Purple Ninja:** i blame myself for asking :/   
  
**Barbie:** This man needs to be Stopped   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, June 23** **  
** **12:01 EST**

**Ed:** Dad,…,,...I’m straight….   
  
**Traci:** WHERE DID I GO WRONG????   
  
**Garfield:** sorry son but I can’t accept your lifestyle. I will not have a... *whispers*  _ hetero  _ living under my roof   
  
**Violet:** I knew we never should have let you watch those h*terosexual television shows...I blame myself for this.   
  
**Cassie:** You’re just confused honey, you’ll find the right gay lover eventually   
  
**Jaime:** Heterosexuality is a CHOICE son so you’d better not tell your father about this weird straight phase of yours. Now go put on your rainbow jumpsuit and matching fedora we’re late for the pride parade.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Conner > Megan** **  
** **  
** **Tuesday, June 23** **  
** **16:53 EST**

**Conner:** hey. so…...i have a proposal for you   
  
**Megan:** What is it?   
  
**Conner:** marry me   
  
**Megan:** Lol you’re silly   
  
**Megan:** …..You are joking right?    
  
**Conner:** not joking   
  
**Megan:** Sure you are, you know we can’t get married   
  
**Conner:** why not?   
  
**Megan:** For a lot of reasons?? For starters I have a science final tomorrow  
  
 **Conner:** i want to be with you forever megan. theres no question in my mind about it. and if you feel the same way about me...well i say we go for it   
  
**Megan:** Conner Kent have you lost your mind?   
  
**Conner:** ive just been thinking about the future a lot lately and where the two of us are going to fit into it   
  
**Conner:** youre going off to ivy university where i have no doubt in mind that youre going to be great, and even though youll still be living at home it feels like youre gonna be miles away   
  
**Conner:** i dont want to be left behind while all of my friends go off to live their lives, and i dont want the two of us to be apart if we dont have to be. every day im with you is like a gift from the universe and i know were young now but plenty of people get married young   
  
**Conner:** the future is always an uncertain thing but what we have doesnt have to be. im going to love you and your beautiful smile and your amazing personality and your giant heart for the rest of my life, so why not start forever now?   
  
**Conner:** megan marie morse will you marry me?   
  
**Megan:** Awwwww honey that was a beautiful speech <3   
  
**Megan:** Of course I won’t   
  
**Conner:** wait what   
  
**Megan:** Conner come on, we’re only graduating from high school in a few days and I still don’t know how mortgages work or doctor’s appointments, heck I don’t even have my driver’s license yet. We’re BABIES   
  
**Megan:** So yeah, I’m rejecting your proposal you dork. But it’s not because I love you any less or because I don’t want to marry you someday when we’re older and more ready for a commitment like that   
  
**Conner:** oh   
  
**Megan:** Look sweetie, I understand that you’re worried about the future. But do you really think us getting married will change that?   
  
**Conner:** i dont know. it might   
  
**Megan:** Trust me it won’t. The future will ALWAYS be scary no matter how you try to stop it. Do you love me?   
  
**Conner:** more than anything   
  
**Megan:** Then can’t you trust that I love you too and that every time I fantasize about the future, you’re right there by my side?   
  
**Conner:** but what if you go to ivy university and realize that youre too good for me?   
  
**Megan:** As if that could ever happen. There isn’t a single person in the world who could take your place in my heart, and I’m pretty sure the only way I’ll be able to survive in college is knowing that I’ve got a wonderful, spectacular boyfriend by my side   
  
**Conner:** but i wont be by your side, thats the problem. youre moving forward in your life like the star you were always meant to be and im just...stuck   
  
**Megan:** Hey now, you are NOT stuck. What do I keep telling you?   
  
**Conner:** that charging my phone overnight is going to kill the battery?   
  
**Megan:** The other thing   
  
**Conner:** my future is only defined by the choices i make   
  
**Megan:** You’re going to be fine Conner. I don’t care if I have to remind you every single day that your life is _yours._ Who cares what everyone else does? I wouldn’t want you to blindly follow everyone’s example if it wasn’t something you knew in your heart was right for you. Just like how I’m pretty sure you know that we’re not remotely ready to get married right now   
  
**Conner:** i guess not   
  
**Megan:** But my no isn’t forever. We just need time to grow up and be our own people for a while   
  
**Conner:** how long?   
  
**Megan:** Ask me again in eight years   
  
**Conner:** eight years is a long time. make it three?   
  
**Megan:** How about seven   
  
**Conner:** four   
  
**Megan:** You’re really going to haggle me about this?   
  
**Conner:** im impatient and i like you. four years   
  
**Megan:** Six   
  
**Conner:** five   
  
**Megan:** Okay   
  
**Conner:** okay?   
  
**Megan:** Five years. Ask me to marry you again and maybe you’ll get a different answer the next time around   
  
**Conner:** youve got yourself a deal   
  
**Megan:** Good   
  
**Conner:** have i told you yet today that i love you?   
  
**Megan:** Hmmm I don’t recall. You might need to jog my memory   
  
**Conner:** i really love you. and five years from now im going to prove it   
  
**Megan:** I’ll be waiting <3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Sunshine Bois And Goirls** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, June 24** **  
** **10:26 EST**

**Zatanna:** “oh sweetie ur not pansexual it’s just a phase” ur damn right it is, a phase in my plan to take over the fucking WORLD. bow down pissant   
  
**Dick:** First act as overlord: making crocs illegal. You want to wear your crocodile foot abominations in public? Tell it to the speakeasy fuckers   
  
**Wally:** me thinking I was straight was a phase tbh   
  
**Megan:** Me thinking I was cisgender was a phase   
  
**Dick:** Me thinking I was a waxing crescent was a phase

  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Wednesday, June 24** **  
** **14:44 EST**

**Artemis:** BIG NEWS GUYS!!   
  
**Roy:** Oh boy it’s finally happened you’re being charged for murder! Too bad I spent the bail money I had saved up for you on some crack cocaine earlier this year whoopsie.   
  
**Artemis:** Go away assmunch, you know if I killed someone I’d never get caught   
  
**Dick:** Oh good that’s reassuring   
  
**Zatanna:** don’t see how it can be exciting news if it’s not murder but okay :/   
  
**Artemis:** I never said it was exciting I said it was big   
  
**Zatanna:** tomato tomahto   
  
**Dick:** You know what else is big? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   
  
**Dick:** The wage gap in America. Why don’t you have a seat and listen up   
  
**Wally:** ARTEMIS AND I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!! we’re moving there at the end of july :D   
  
**Megan:** That’s fantastic!!!!   
  
**Dick:** BOO HISS STAY IN HAPPY HARBOR YOU COWARDS   
  
**Conner:** super happy for you guys! i cant wait to show up on your doorstep at 3am on a stormy night to beg for forgiveness after realizing i let stardom get to my head and begin my path to redemption while a song by alanis morrisette plays in the background   
  
**Kaldur:** I have no idea how to follow that. Artemis and Wally, congratulations and I hope Conner never comes to your apartment now.   
  
**Wally:** thanks man   
  
**Artemis:** Wally I sentence you to ten years in prison for thunder theft   
  
**Wally:** sorry I got impatient   
  
**Artemis:** Well I’ll bet you guys didn’t know that wALLY AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT AT NIAGARA FALLS AND I’M PREGNANT WITH HIS GINGER TWINS!!!!   
  
**Zatanna:** :o really???   
  
**Artemis:** Nah I just felt left out of the news-sharing. We are moving to Palo Alto though that part is real   
  
**Dick:** Booooooo stay with me forever you fucking cowards   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Thursday, June 25** **  
** **16:23 EST**

**Kaldur:** I hope everyone enjoyed the party today celebrating our final GSA meeting of the year! The other seniors and I will be graduating on Saturday, so it is not time to select next year’s leader.  
  
 **Kaldur:** *now  
  
 **Cassie:** Hear that boys? It's not time yet  
  
 **Steph:** nope definitely not time  
  
 **Ed:** The world just isn't ready for a new GSA leader, maybe we'll try again in 2021  
  
 **Kaldur:** YOU ALL KNOW IT WAS A TYPO. LET'S BE PROFESSIONALS ABOUT THIS.  
  
 **Steph:** bold of you to assume i've ever been professional at anything in my life  
  
 **Jaime:** Guys shh I wanna hear Kaldur announce who the new leader is so I can do an interview afterward and cry about how I was robbed before splashing champagne in someone's face during a tantrum.  
  
 **Garfield:** finally my moment to shine!! I just want to say how proud I am to be considered for the job of your future leader and I won’t let you guys down :')  
  
 **Kaldur:** It’s not you Gar.  
  
 **Garfield:** exsqueeze me mister  
  
 **Kaldur:** It is tradition that the role of leader is open primarily to juniors and seniors, as well as being a financial choice since not many can be trusted with this responsibility.  
  
 **Garfield:** but you let me be interim leader when you and the other old people went on your field trip  
  
 **Kaldur:** And when we returned the room was covered in glitter. It took the janitor weeks to clean it and he didn’t even get all of it.  
  
 **Garfield:** in all fairness I didn’t know that glitter bombs actually explode glitter. the advertisement lied to me  
  
 **Cassie:** Can I be the leader?? I’m captain of the field hockey team and I’m great at yelling so I’m already a shoo-in for the job  
  
 **Violet:** I would also like to be the leader! I can do a handstand AND drink chocolate milk at the same time.  
  
 **Jaime:** How does that make you eligible to be in charge?  
  
 **Violet:** Can you do a handstand while drinking chocolate milk?  
  
 **Jaime:** No.  
  
 **Violet:** Then I am already ahead of you. =^)  
  
 **Jaime:** Pretty sure that’s not right but I don’t know enough about politics to dispute it. I will say though that I know how to skateboard and I speak Spanish, both of which should put me firmly on top.  
  
 **Steph:** hmm sounds like something a bottom would say  
  
 **Bart:** dfghjhngfdgh   
  
**Kaldur:** These are all wonderful points, but you know I have already selected next year’s leader, right?  
  
 **Bart:** WHAT  
  
 **Jaime:** How could you do this to us Kaldur?!?!?!  
  
 **Cassie:** I ACCUSE THEE OF FAVORITISM IN THIS CHILI’S  
  
 **Kaldur:** Would you like to know who your dictator is next year or not?  
  
 **Violet:** I want to know! But only if it is me.  
  
 **Kaldur:** It’s not you. Juniors and seniors only, remember?  
  
 **Violet:** I could be a hundred years old! You don’t know me, you do not know my life.  
  
 **Kaldur:** The leader next year is Dick Grayson. Dick, please take the stage so I do not have to any longer.  
  
 **Cassie:** NO!!!  
  
 **Dick:** Greetings children :) Prepare for the best goddamn year of your lives  
  
 **Ed:** I know this is supposed to be triumphant or something but all I feel is threatened  
  
 **Traci:** Yeah I think it’s the smiley. Gives me creepy vibes  
  
 **Tim:** Lểmme just chime in thất i live with Dick anɗ can honeṣtly say that he’s ạ good leader bůt he’s also a power hunǧry leech who doəsn’t sleep and drinks fiṽe redbulls a day. he oņce broke a television bëcause a game of Wii teñnis got too heated. Ẅe’re all in dangếr  
  
 **Bart:** hehe sounds like he’s a real DICKtator  
  
 **Steph:** HA  
  
 **Dick:** Bart you’re fired  
  
 **Bart:** you can’t fire me I don’t work in this van  
  
 **Dick:** Anyway howdy pardners! As your new gay leader, I solemnly swear to be as gay as fucking possible until the day I graduate and afterward too. I will probably enforce meeting times properly and I don’t plan on sprucing up the GSA room whatsoever on account of I saw a spider in there once and have since left it up to nature. I also made plans to figure out over the summer what exactly a Gay/Straight Alliance leader does because after two whole thicc years in this club I still have no fucking idea how it works or what it does  
  
 **Kaldur:** Putting you in charge was a grave mistake. What have I done.  
  
 **Wally:** we support you president dick :’)  
  
 **Dick:** That’s CAPTAIN Dick to you sir  
  
 **Wally:** sounds sexy  
  
 **Tim:** Gổd fucking chrỉst there are childrển herẹ  
  
 **Dick:** SHUT UP TIMMY I’M YOUR CAPTAIN NOW AND YOU HAVE TO RESPECT ME SO IF I WANNA BE VAGUELY HOMOEROTIC WITH MY BEST FRIEND THEN DAMMIT THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO DO  
  
 **Dick:** (I’m kidding Tim I love you so much I just have to make the other freshmen fear and respect me you’re an angel and I would kill everyone here in a heartbeat if it meant saving you <3)  
  
 **Bart:** wait what was that last part  
  
 **Traci:** We’re not even freshmen anymore most of us are going to be juniors next year and even Gar and Violet are basically done with ninth grade  
  
 **Dick:** You will ALWAYS be freshmen in my eyes. Little baby children. Tiny infants. Newborn gerbils  
  
 **Steph:** awww he called us gerbils  
  
 **Dick:** Next order of business!  
  
 **Dick:** Today I’ll be selecting who here is going to serve as my number two in the upcoming school year  
  
 **Cassie:** Make it number three coward  
  
 **Dick:** Tornado is number three  
  
 **Ed:** Shouldn’t he be like, number one and a half since he’s the only adult and all?  
  
 **Dick:** What did you say number eleven?  
  
 **Ed:** HA hear that guys I’m eleven, you guys are probably somewhere in the 12-20 range  
  
 **Violet:** Aren’t there 13 of us though including Dick, Zatanna, Klarion, and Mr. Tornado since the seniors are leaving?  
  
 **Ed:** :( oh  
  
 **Cassie:** Wait a second so does this mean there’s going to be a co-captain next year?  
  
 **Dick:** Co-captain would insinuate equality. I’m a tyrannical dictator in this house  
  
 **Bart:** so….assistant gay captain  
  
 **Dick:** More like assistant TO the gay captain  
  
 **Dick:** It’s a job that requires skill, dedication, blind obedience, and a smidge of salt. Only the most elite gays are qualified for this kind of position  
  
 **Violet:** Who are you going to choose?  
  
 **Dick:** Oh Timmy? :)  
  
 **Tim:** Nó  
  
 **Dick:** Please?  
  
 **Tim:** Nõ  
  
 **Dick:** Darn. Guess we’re doing this the old fashioned way then  
  
 **Traci:** Voting based on qualifications and unbiased opinions?  
  
 **Dick:** Nope COMEDY  
  
 **Ed:** ¿Perdón?  
  
 **Dick:** Whoever tells me the best joke gets to be assistant to the gay captain next year  
  
 **Traci:** That’s seriously how you’re going to pick your right-hand person?  
  
 **Dick:** Yep. Now MAKE ME PAUGH LEOPLE  
  
 **Tim:** lmao “paugh leople”  
  
 **Dick:** Tim you’re fired too  
  
 **Bart:** STOP FIRING US  
  
 **Cassie:** I have a joke!!   
  
**Dick:** Knock my socks off Cassie  
  
 **Cassie:** What’s the best thing about Switzerland?  
  
 **Dick:** I dunno  
  
 **Cassie:** I don’t know either but the flag is a big plus :D  
  
 **Dick:** Blegh 4/10 terrible, everyone knows Switzerland isn’t real. Next!  
  
 **Cassie:** Dammit   
  
**Jaime:** I've got a good one: Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out of here, we don’t serve your type."  
  
 **Dick:** You expect me to laugh at BIGOTRY? Begone foul creature. Next!  
  
 **Traci:** What’s black and white and red all over?  
  
 **Dick:** Literally anything. Back of the line  
  
 **Traci:** You don’t deserve my humor  
  
 **Garfield:** did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? he just needed a little space  
  
 **Dick:** :|  
  
 **Garfield:** come on that was gold and you know it  
  
 **Dick:** I am unimpressed. Next!  
  
 **Steph:** what’s the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?  
  
 **Dick:** You can unscrew a lightbulb. Already heard it  
  
 **Steph:** make me assistant to the gay captain anyway?  
  
 **Dick:** Sorry Steph, as much as I love you that would sadly be nepotism  
  
 **Steph:** boo you whore  
  
 **Bart:** I’ve got a great one! two fathers and two sons go fishing. they all catch a fish but the total catch for the day is three fish. how is that possible?  
  
 **Dick:** That is clearly a RIDDLE and I wanted JOKES. Get him out of my sight!  
  
 **Bart:** NO PLEASE I HAVE PLANTS TO FEED  
  
 **Tim:** the ănswer is thểre arė three people: a grañdfather, a father, and a şon  
  
 **Dick:** Tim you’re so smart please be assistant to my gay leader  
  
 **Tim:** Nở  
  
 **Dick:** You hurt me :( Anyone else up for the challenge?  
  
 **Ed:** Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
 **Dick:** I’m too GAY for math Ed you should know that by now  
  
 **Zatanna:** WAIT I’VE GOT IT I’VE GOT IT I'VE GOT THE PERFECT JOKE  
  
 **Dick:** Oh?  
  
 **Zatanna:** why are gay people bad liars?  
  
 **Zatanna:** BECAUSE THEY CAN’T KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE  
  
 **Dick:** LADIES AND GENTLE-THEMS WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!  
  
 **Cassie:** N O O !!!  
  
 **Dick:** Unlike you fools Zee was the only one who thought to use a gay joke. CLEARLY none of you have what it takes to use your queerness for the good of humankind, but hopefully you can learn from your new gay titans, Captain Dick and Assistant-to-the-Captain Zatanna  
  
 **Zatanna:** yay! bow down kiddos  
  
 **Bart:** this game’s rigged >:(  
  
 **Tim:** Loổk on the bright siḍe, at least we cần legally call him Cap᷆tain Dick nỏw  
  
 **Bart:** …...my eyes have been opened  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Young Just Ass** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **07:05 EST**

**Garfield:** megan is the best sister ever, this morning she made me a gluten free peanut butter and banana sandwich cut into the shape of a heart for my last day of freshman year <3   
  
**Tim:** My brọther threw a cantẫloupe at my head thỉs morning becausệ I was breathing tōo loudly   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Dick > Wallman** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **07:24 EST**

**Dick:** Well buddy it’s officially your last day of high school ever. You whelmed, traught, and feeling the aster?   
  
**Wallman:** whelmed? yes. traught? probably not. feeling the aster? HELL YES   
  
**Dick:** THAT’S THE SPIRIT   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Steph > Timmy** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **08:33 EST**

**Steph:** check out this thing i found while i was cleaning out my locker   
  
**Steph:** [image sent]   
  
**Timmy:** Whǎt is thaț??   
  
**Steph:** i think it’s a mummified apple core. or maybe a diseased potato. it’s kinda hard to tell under all the mold. cool right?   
  
**Timmy:** That’s ǒne way to dəscribe it. Ɗid yoŭ throw it oựt?   
  
**Steph:** nah i locked it up in a ziploc baggie and then wrapped it in four layers of duct tape and shoved it into the abyss of my backpack   
  
**Timmy:** Whỹ???   
  
**Steph:** because i wanna go to your house after school and look at it under your microscope to see if there are any tiny civilizations in there   
  
**Timmy:** What ḿakes you thiṅk I have a micrǒscopễ?   
  
**Steph:** because my boyfriend is a rich smarty pants. there's no way you don't have an expensive microscope in your room that just sits on your shelf for years and never gets used, it's your job as a wealthy nerd   
  
**Timmy:** Thắt’s a complịment righṭ   
  
**Steph:** duh. so we good for after school? i also want to burn the rest of my school stuff in your fireplace and see if we can summon a demon in the ashes   
  
**Timmy:** yốu’re a bád iṅfluence øn me   
  
**Steph:** the baddest <3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **09:52 EST**

**Zatanna:** wrong answers only: should i put a handful of spageddy in klarion’s fanny pack  
  
 **Kaldur:** Please don’t.  
  
 **Zatanna:** please do u say?? ok! happy last day of school freakboy get ready for some p a s t a  
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Artemis > Baywatch** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **10:07 EST  
  
** **  
** **  
** **Artemis:** Are you finished signing my yearbook yet? Cam’s been waiting all day for his turn and I have home ec with him next period so chop chop  
  
 **Baywatch:** DON’T RUSH ME WOMAN I’M A POET! and I can’t believe you’re trying to let cam butt in on my yearbook-signing time this is a CRIME  
  
 **Artemis:** Bros before hoes babe, he’s my bro and you’re my hoe  
  
 **Baywatch:** can’t he just sign it tomorrow? or the day after that? or the day after that?  
  
 **Artemis:** Can’t YOU just sign it tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that?  
  
 **Baywatch:** of course not this is an important tradition you silly fool  
  
 **Artemis:** Soooo can I get a timeframe or?  
  
 **Baywatch:** you can’t rush perfection arty  
  
 **Artemis:** I’m not rushing perfection I’m rushing you  
  
 **Baywatch:** just a little longer  
  
 **Artemis:** You’ve been working on it all day! What are you even writing in there, a novel?  
  
 **Baywatch:** stuff  
  
 **Artemis:** What kind of stuff?  
  
 **Baywatch:** STUFF  
  
 **Artemis:** You’d better not be defiling my whole yearbook because I still need Cam, Conner, Raquel, and Dinah to have enough room to write their stuff  
  
 **Baywatch:** almost finisheddddddddd………….F I N I S H E D  
  
 **Artemis:** Cool we can switch back after the bell rings. What did you end up writing in there?  
  
 **Baywatch:** that’s a secret  
  
 **Artemis:** You know I’m gonna read it in like fifteen minutes anyway right? Just read it to me now  
  
 **Baywatch:** but it’s sacred!! I can’t just TELL you what I wrote in your yearbook that would be cheating  
  
 **Artemis:** I dare you to tell me anyway  
  
 **Baywatch:** lmao how old do you think I am? I’m not going to fall for a stupid dare  
  
 **Artemis:** I triple dog dare you to tell me  
  
 **Baywatch:** oh shit you busted out the triple dog dare I can’t turn that down  
  
 **Artemis:** Tell me what you wrote in my yearbook  
  
 **Baywatch:** just don’t laugh okay?  
  
 **Artemis:** Okay  
  
 **Baywatch:** I’m serious. you gotta promise  
  
 **Artemis:** Fine fine I promise I won’t laugh, now please tell me what you wrote?  
  
 **Baywatch:** okay. no laughing  
  
 **Baywatch:** “Dear my awesome spitfire, I’m writing this in the hopes that you skip ahead to page 23 where I drew a dick at the top right corner of the page. … Lmao made ya look, I actually drew a smiley face there. You were so eager to see that dick graffiti though, get your mind out of the gutter Artemis. You’re better than that. 

Okay okay for real, I know this next sentence is the cheesiest fucking thing I’m going to have said to you so far, but it really does feel like we only met yesterday in the GSA room. Just two years together, can you believe it? Of course I would see you around school before that, but I had no idea that you would turn out to be someone who's so important to me now. If I had known at the time who you really were, I’m sure I would have talked to you way sooner. You probably thought I was just some loser back then, which...that’s pretty fair. Or maybe you didn’t think anything about me at all because we didn’t really exist to each other yet. 

I remember there was this time sophomore year when I saw you in the courtyard during midterms week. It was snowing outside but you were sitting under a tree looking up at the branches, and I didn’t understand what the hell you were so fixated on until I realized you were looking at icicles. My first thought was, “Class starts in thirty seconds and you’re out here in the snow looking at icicles? What the fuck.” But the more I watched you, I started to think that it must be nice just sitting there completely alone, looking up at icicles while everyone else rushes to class with nobody but some random freckled stud to see it. Then we met for real that September and I forgot all about it because I was so busy trying to hate you that I forgot what there was to like. Love. Now it’s love. But even then, back when we would pick fights over meaningless shit and play 20 Questions as if we were the last two people on Earth who just got stuck with each other, every time you looked at me I swear it felt like I was being struck by electricity. Like my body knew something at the time that my stupid head didn’t, and I still can’t believe it took us that long to find each other.

And ten years from now when we’re at our high school reunion telling everyone about our mansion and 2.5 kids, I won’t consider us high school sweethearts because that’s just not who we are. That’s not what this is. We’re just two people who were lucky enough to meet and fall in love this early in the game, and now we get to graduate and spend the rest of our lives together which I think is pretty fucking awesome? We’re going to grow up together and love each other for as long as we want, and I know that’s presumptuous of an eighteen-year-old dork to say but I don’t care because I believe it. I believe we’re going to still be talking about this hell of a year when we’re forty, when we’re sixty, and when we’re a hundred years old and the world has been taken over by robots. So you’d better be in this for the long haul Arty, because I’m game if you are. Love, your cheesy-ass boyfriend.”

**Baywatch:** …...you still there? you haven’t said anything in a long time. kind of awkward   
  
**Artemis:** I’m still here   
  
**Baywatch:** was it too cheesy? because I can totally rip out the page and burn it with a lighter in seconds just say the word artemis and I’ll destroy it forever   
  
**Artemis:** Please don’t do that   
  
**Baywatch:** you sure? because ngl these are all my true feelings and everything I said in that was legit but I highkey regret saying all of it now and I want the ground to open up and vore me like it’s a giant whale and I’m fucking jonah about to get deepthroated by the big fish boi™   
  
**Artemis:** Wally if you don’t shut up imma kiss you right on the mouth   
  
**Baywatch:** shutting up   
  
**Baywatch:** so...you liked it?   
  
**Artemis:** I loved it. But now I feel bad   
  
**Baywatch:** for what?   
  
**Artemis:** Because all I did in your yearbook was fill up an entire page with hundreds upon hundreds of lenny faces   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Goth Squad** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **11:11 EST**

**Raquel:** Feeling sad today because apparently there’s no major at Ivy U for those of us who are looking into a career as a professional snake milker :( oh what shall I do   
  
**Roy:** I’m sorry did you say  _ snake milker? _   
  
**Raquel:** I wanna milk the snek tiddies what of it   
  
**Megan:** I would also like to major in snek tiddies   
  
**Dick:** If your goal in life isn’t to milk the tiddies of a reptile worm then what pray tell is the POINT   
  
**Kaldur:** You are all fools; my future goals are far more realistic.   
  
**Raquel:** Square up Kal whatcha got   
  
**Kaldur:** My plans include a business endeavor in which I manufacture a watch, but instead of a clock it is a tiny fish dome containing a single goldfish who dies after one day because you cannot open the dome to feed it.   
  
**Kaldur:** I call it One Day Charlie. :)   
  
**Conner:** kaldur what the fuck   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: Bread** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **12:31 EST**

**Wonder Bread:** *hacket voice* I’m out   
  
**Bagél:** of the closet?   
  
**Crouton:** You spelled hacker wrong dickwad   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Fuck you guys now I’m not inviting you to join me up here on the roof and eat lunch together like a #squad   
  
**Rye Bread:** Can I come?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Only if you bring us some takeout from Olive Garden and say you’re my dad so they’ll let you in the school   
  
**Rye Bread:** Pretty sure everyone in the country knows that Bruce Wayne is your dad.   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Then say you’re Wally’s dad you have the red hair in common   
  
**Rye Bread:** I resent that but okay. Challenge accepted oh wise leader.   
  
**Bagél:** why does he get to be our leader?? he’s like the youngest one here   
  
**Crouton:** And the shortest   
  
**Wonder Bread:** And the sexiest   
  
**Crouton:** But mostly the shortest bc let’s be honest here you’re tiny   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I’ll gnaw off your kneecaps with my molars   
  
**Crouton:** Molars are for chewing not biting   
  
**Wonder Bread:** You’re damn fucking right they are. I’m a rabid beast   
  
**Bagél:** wait I’m confused why are we risking expulsion for eating lunch on the roof?   
  
**Wonder Bread:** They can’t expel you on your last day of high school ever   
  
**Bagél:** STOP REMINDING ME OF THE IMPENDING FUTURE DICK WE HAD A DEAL   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Fine then I won’t tell you about the stack of plane tickets to California that I bought last night with Bruce’s debit card   
  
**Crouton:** You already have tickets?? That’s some dedication   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I’m going to be a thorn in your guys’ side every three months for years to come because the withdrawal is already setting in and you haven’t even graduated yet   
  
**Rye Bread:** You never visited me when I was living in California. :(   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Yes I did, I was disguised as the guy who delivered your pizza every night. I got the mustache off Ebay and stole the Domino’s uniform from Jason when he was in his theatre phase   
  
**Rye Bread:** I don’t believe you.    
  
**Wonder Bread:** [image sent]    
  
**Wonder Bread:** [image sent]    
  
**Wonder Bread:** [image sent]    
  
**Wonder Bread:** Do you believe me now?   
  
**Rye Bread:** YOU TOOK PICTURES OF ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING???   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Yeah you sing ABBA songs in your sleep. It was very moving   
  
**Rye Bread:** What the FUCK how did you even get into my room???    
  
**Wonder Bread:** No vent is too small for a Flying Grayson to slither through :)   
  
**Rye Bread:** You couldn’t have just visited me like a normal person???   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Nah it’s way more entertaining this way. Love you Roy <3<3<3   
  
**Crouton:** Yeahhhh I’m gonna tell you upfront now that if you ever sneak into our place in the middle of the night I’m gonna dropkick you in the face, intentionally or otherwise   
  
**Bagél:** besides you’re gonna have a room in our place anyway so you won’t need to break in   
  
**Wonder Bread:** I am??   
  
**Crouton:** He is??   
  
**Bagél:** obviously. and even if we don’t have enough space for a whole extra room he can just sleep in our bed with us no biggie   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Yay!!   
  
**Crouton:** Your relationship scares me   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Fair warning Artemis, I’m a cuddler   
  
**Crouton:** Fuck off gremlin   
  
**Wonder Bread:** Love you too Mis <3   
  
  


* * *

  
  
**Group Chat: G is for GAY** **  
** **  
** **Friday, June 26** **  
** **13:24 EST**

**Raquel:** Well gays it’s official. Our last ever day of high school ends in ten minutes   
  
**Raquel:** Only 600 seconds left until we’re all thrusted out into the real world like Elvis’s pelvis thrusted into society’s wet dreams   
  
**Zatanna:** u fucking take that sentence back this is a house of JESUS   
  
**Megan:** I feel neither older nor wiser than I was when I first got here. The system is broken guys   
  
**Roy:** Ahhhh to be a full fledged adult and have already escaped that hellhole...so freeing.   
  
**Artemis:** You still eat dinosaur nuggets don’t you dare call yourself a fucking adult   
  
**Artemis:** (Nine minutes now)   
  
**Roy:** THEY TASTE BETTER WHEN THEY’RE SHAPED LIKE DINOSAURS AND YOU KNOW IT.   
  
**Kaldur:** I for one will definitely not miss waking up early every day for class. Finally I can get the beauty sleep I deserve. My skin is going to be GLOWING come August.   
  
**Wally:** what if you have college classes that start at the ass crack of dawn?   
  
**Wally:** (eight minutes)   
  
**Kaldur:** I would sooner be mauled to death by a tiger shark before I let that happen.   
  
**Megan:** Poor Dick and Zatanna, you two are still going to be stuck here next year. So tragic :(   
  
**Wally:** lmao NOOBS you have to stay here and get educated for another year suck it   
  
**Dick:** Bite me   
  
**Wally:** no thanks I’m trying to control my salt intake   
  
**Raquel:** Sdfghjklhg   
  
**Megan:** We should do something special to commemorate today! Like an adventure or a party or a ritual sacrifice   
  
**Zatanna:** oh sweet megan, how i cherish ur special day-commemorating ideas   
  
**Zatanna:** (7 minutes!)   
  
**Wally:** if we’re going to do a last day of school celebration it’s gotta be something hardcore because I’m like a caged polar bear being released into the wild. filled with the intense need to run around and be Feral   
  
**Conner:** no more graduation anxiety?   
  
**Wally:** not anymore my man. you?    
  
**Conner:** nope   
  
**Raquel:** Awwww you guys got character development this year I’m so proud of you 

**Wally:** fuck yeah I’m evolving like a goddamn bulbasaur    
  
**Dick:** Liar you’d be a Phanpy and you know it   
  
**Wally:** how the phuck am I a phanpy   
  
**Dick:** Because it’s my favorite just like you are   
  
**Wally:** bro…   
  
**Dick:** Bro <3   
  
**Dick:** (Six minutes til doomsday everyone take cover)   
  
**Artemis:** I vote we kidnap that substitute Mr. Marvel and tie him up in a janitor’s closet so the next time someone opens it they’ll get a special surprise   
  
**Kaldur:** I cannot explain all of the reasons we are not doing that.   
  
**Zatanna:** speaking of which does anyone have eyes on the teacher’s lounge rn?   
  
**Conner:** what do you need the teachers lounge for?   
  
**Zatanna:** i got bored sitting around in a mostly empty spanish class so i walked out and now i want to put all of my report cards for the year into a blender and watch it puree   
  
**Megan:** Please don’t do that   
  
**Megan:** (Five minutes!!!)   
  
**Zatanna:** why not? what are the teachers gonna do, suspend me five minutes before summer break   
  
**Kaldur:** Yes.   
  
**Dick:** There’s a blender in the second floor teacher’s lounge next to the coffee machine and the room is totally empty aside from Mr. Pierce but he’s sleeping on the couch with earplugs so it’s all good he won’t hear the blender going WRRRWRRRWRRCRUUUNCHWRRR   
  
**Artemis:** How do you know all that   
  
**Dick:** Today was my last chance before summer break to sneak into the teacher’s lounge and perch on the ceiling fan like a vulture so naturally I had to take it. And I’ve got froyo too if anyone’s interested   
  
**Kaldur:** Where did you get froyo from?   
  
**Kaldur:** (Four minutes.)   
  
**Dick:** Found it in the freezer. It had Ms. A’Daire’s name on it but I smudged it up with a used tissue so it looked like O’Dick which just so happens to be me!   
  
**Raquel:** You fucking criminal   
  
**Dick:** Anyway if anyone wants to join me and my froyo in the teacher’s lounge feel free to stroll on over here   
  
**Zatanna:** omw!   
  
**Conner:** im coming too   
  
**Roy:** How are you going to convince your teacher to let you leave early?   
  
**Conner:** ill just say i need to go to the bubbler and hell let me go   
  
**Wally:** I’m sorry the WHAT?   
  
**Conner:** what   
  
**Conner:** (three minutes)   
  
**Wally:** what the fuck’s a bubbler???   
  
**Conner:** you know, a bubbler. like in the hallways   
  
**Megan:** I’ve never heard that word before in my life   
  
**Conner:** how have none of you heard of a bubbler before   
  
**Dick:** It sounds like one of those things that goes wirrrrr and makes bubbles at mach speed   
  
**Conner:** no its the thing that makes water in the hallways   
  
**Roy:** You mean a water fountain??   
  
**Conner:** yeah a bubbler   
  
**Roy:** Who the fucking hell calls it a bubbler.   
  
**Conner:** everyone in rhode island   
  
**Wally:** I’ve never heard that before but rest assured I hate it   
  
**Conner:** you guys are just uncultured   
  
**Artemis:** We should do a diner thing   
  
**Raquel:** Right now? I mean we’re in school so that would be kind of hard but who am I to murder your creativity   
  
**Raquel:** (Two minutes y’all!!)   
  
**Artemis:** No I meant what Megan said before about commemorating today. We should all go to Bibbo’s Diner at midnight and get breakfast together in our caps and gowns. One final get-together before we graduate tomorrow   
  
**Dick:** I like it. One last outing before everything changes   
  
**Conner:** yeah thats a good idea   
  
**Megan:** I like it too but what if I spill syrup on my gown?   
  
**Wally:** then we’ll all spill syrup on our gowns so we can match   
  
**Roy:** Is everyone invited to this or is it just you crusty seniors.   
  
**Artemis:** Obviously it’ll be all of us dummy, we’re a team right? No comrade left behind and all that   
  
**Dick:** Awwww Artemis is showing emotions guys   
  
**Artemis:** Fuck off no I’m not   
  
**Raquel:** I think it’s a perfect idea. We’ll be exhausted tomorrow and will definitely ruin our gowns but it kinda fits for us to go out that way   
  
**Roy:** I’m in. It’s about time we did something weird and unorthodox as a group.   
  
**Roy:** (One minute left fuckers.)   
  
**Kaldur:** In that case, why don’t we do it every year?   
  
**Zatanna:** dick and i are graduating next year but i think that’s about it in terms of graduations for our friend group unless we invite the freshmen, which we definitely aren’t because they have cooties   
  
**Conner:** who said they have cooties?   
  
**Zatanna:** i did just now   
  
**Kaldur:** I meant we could make it a tradition. At midnight on the first day of summer, we all meet up at that diner for midnight breakfast. No matter where we are or what we are busy doing, we all gather on that day to spend time together and catch up.   
  
**Dick:** You say “catch up” as if we’re not going to be friends forever anyway   
  
**Kaldur:** Call it insurance then. No one left behind.   
  
**Raquel:** Works for me. And anyone who misses it has to give the rest of us twenty bucks each as payment for being an asshole that year   
  
**Artemis:** Smart. I like it   
  
**Megan:** Me too!   
  
**Wally:** hell yeah   
  
**Dick:** Thirty seconds left of your senior year fellas, soak it up while you can   
  
**Conner:** fuck   
  
**Roy:** What’s wrong?  
  
 **Dick:** Twenty seconds   
  
**Conner:** i think i left a bucket of melted cheese in my locker   
  
**Artemis:** ???? Why the fuck do you keep melted cheese in your locker????  
  
 **Dick:** Ten seconds   
  
**Conner:** its my emotional support melted cheese dont judge me artemis im sensitive  
  
 **Dick:** Five seconds   
  
**Megan:** Conner what the fuck   
  
**Wally:** !!!! SHE SAID IT GUYS SHE SAID IT DID YOU HEAR THAT SHE SAID IT  
  
 **Dick:** One second   
  
**Artemis:** DING DING DING SCHOOL IS OVER BITCHES  
  
 **Kaldur:** WE ARE OFFICIALLY FINISHED BEING SENIORS!!!   
  
**Zatanna:** woohoo happy summer vacation everyone!!! :D   
  
**Wally:** GUYS WAIT   
  
**Wally:** GUYS SHE SAID IT   
  
**Wally:** GUYS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Julie helped me with the Pokemon reference like the goddess she is because I know next to nothing about Pokemon meanwhile she's a total MASTER, I don't know how I do anything without her help okay Julie you're amazing.)
> 
> Also ONE CHAPTER LEFT GUYS ARE YOU EXCITED 'CAUSE I'M EXCITED. And by "excited" I mean super sad but relieved to finally be finished with this fic which is legit the longest thing I've written in my life so far holy shit I deserve a medal for this bad boy. Anyway stay tuned for the thrilling finale folks!


	37. Today is the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The originals sneak into the GSA room for one last meeting.

**Happy Harbor High School** **  
****Saturday, June 27** **  
****08:16 EST  
**  
  
The door to the GSA room opens and nine teenagers stumble in, shaking off cobwebs. Kaldur hits the light switch, blanketing the room in the dim glow that only a high school basement can provide. A fly buzzes overhead.  
  
“There’s no _way_ that crate of marbles was there last week,” Artemis complains, brushing dust from her gown. “I’m so glad I didn’t let you talk me into wearing heels or my legs would be broken in ten places by now.” She shoots a pointed glare at Kaldur.  
  
Conner follows in after her, his graduation cap askew. He rubs his elbow where a bruise is slowly forming. “Speak for yourself.”  
  
“I’ve been saying it all year, guys.” Zatanna jumps and slaps the top of the doorway on her way in. “We should have had our HQ in the attic instead of the basement.”  
  
“This school doesn’t have an attic,” Raquel reminds her.  
  
“Then we’ll have it on the roof; I’m not picky.”  
  
Kaldur shrugs. “It was either here or in the old faculty bathroom in the woodshop wing that hasn’t been used since the eighties. I think we can all agree that this is the lesser of two evils.”  
  
Dick bolts straight for Mr. Smith’s desk in the far corner of the room, vaulting over a chair halfway across and ignoring Kadur’s warning to be careful. “You kidding? Having our meetings in a bathroom would have been _awesome._ I’m totally moving the operation there next year, seeing as I’m the new _leader_ and all.” He winks.  
  
“Giving you power was a mistake,” Artemis says.  
  
Megan bites her lip, peeking over her shoulder at the door separating them from the rest of Happy Harbor High’s dingy basement. “Are you sure we won’t get in trouble for being here?”  
  
“C’mon, Megs, live a little,” Wally tells her. He’s got one arm around Artemis’ shoulders while the other holds his graduation cap by the tassel, swinging it in circles like a helicopter. “We graduate from this hellhole in two hours. I think we’ve earned some light breaking and entering.”  
  
Roy enters the room last, stopping in the doorway to take it all in. He gives a low whistle. “It’s trippy being here after a year away from this school. I can almost _smell_ the nostalgia.”  
  
The room is not too different from its first incarnation two years ago, back before they relocated to the basement’s spare storage room. Each wall is painted to represent a different pride flag: the classic rainbow, a bisexual flag, a transgender flag, and an asexual flag. Tornado’s desk in the corner is decorated with a variety of bobbles, adjacent to an unwashed blackboard with Loss.jpg etched in the top right corner.  
  
Most of the desks have been stacked at the back of the room in preparation for an empty summer, but a few straggling wooden desks remain in the middle of the floor. A ratty blue couch is pressed against the left wall, salvaged from when Mr. Carr bought a new one for his office back in December.  
  
“Nah, that’s just the musk of Tornado’s humidifier,” Zatanna replies. She sits on Tornado’s desk, smoothing out the skirt of her knee-length lavender dress. The others are dressed for the graduation ceremony under their matching red polyester gowns, and even Roy is wearing a button-up and jeans. Dick clearly didn’t get the memo, instead sporting a white t-shirt with “President of the Wally West Fan Club” written on the front in thick black marker. The back reads, “(And Founder)”.  
  
Raquel flops onto the couch between Conner and Megan, kicking off her heels and putting her feet in Conner’s lap. “I still think we should have invited the freshmen. They love trespassing into places.”  
  
“No way,” Artemis says. “They haven’t earned the right.”  
  
“Yeah, this is our time,” Wally agrees. He sits at one of the desks in the middle of the room. Artemis makes herself comfortable on his lap despite the plenty of other desks nearby. Kaldur elects to sit on the floor in front of the dusty chalkboard, pulling Roy down to sit next to him.  
  
“This feels weirdly different,” Conner says, looking around the room. “Being here, I mean. A week ago this was just the place where we had gay club every week, but everything seems...smaller.”  
  
Raquel nods. “Or maybe we’re just bigger.”  
  
“Says the senior,” Zatanna retorts. “Dick and I are still babies, thank you very much.” She looks behind her where Dick is rummaging around in Tornado’s desk. “What are you doing back there, anyway?”  
  
Dick is half-hidden behind the bulky desk, pulling out drawers and tossing objects over his shoulder. “I could have sworn there was...found it!” He emerges holding a bottle of vodka aloft like a trophy. “I _knew_ he kept this in here. Now we can celebrate graduation the proper way.”  
  
“Nope,” Kaldur says, shaking his head adamantly. “No way. Not happening. Put that back right now.”  
  
Dick hurtles over the desk to sit next to Zatanna and works on uncapping the bottle. “No one said you have to participate. Just turn the other way for a couple minutes and you’ve got plausible deniability.”  
  
“Zatanna _just_ said that you two are babies.”  
  
“Babies who like to have fun.” Finally Dick gets the cap loose and raises the bottle in a toast. “Yes! Hello, adulthood.” He takes a huge swig, savoring his first drink, but then his eyes widen and he spits it back out. Zatanna yelps and jumps out of the splash zone.  
  
Dick coughs, his eyes watering. “What the _fuck_ was that?”  
  
Roy’s hands cover his heart sweetly as he coos, “Aw, baby’s first vodka shot. I’m so proud.”  
  
 _“That’s_ what alcohol tastes like?”  
  
He shrugs. “What were you expecting? Booze is kind of like vegetables: you eat it for the perks, not for the taste.”  
  
Zatanna makes grabby hands for the bottle. “Here, let me try it.”  
  
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” But Dick lets her have it.  
  
She takes a dainty sip and swishes it around in her mouth for a minute or so before swallowing. “Yep. That’s vinegar.” Roy perks up at that and reaches over to tap her foot. She passes him the bottle and he takes a swig.  
  
Megan wrinkles her nose. “Mr. Smith keeps a bottle of vinegar in his desk? What’s the point of putting it in a vodka bottle if it’s not even alcohol? It’s not like it’s illegal to drink vinegar in a public high school.”  
  
“Leth be honeth,” Dick says as he scrubs his tongue with a chalkboard eraser. “Are you thurprithed by half of the weird thit he doeth?”  
  
“No, but I think that’s the part that freaks me out the most.” Then her lips tighten into a sad smile. “I’m going to miss him, though.”  
  
“He’s a good den mother,” Raquel agrees.  
  
Artemis looks up at the dust motes dancing in the fluorescent beams. “No offense, guys, but this is getting super depressing even for us.”  
  
“What is?” Roy asks, mouth full of vinegar.  
  
“Coming here one last time and all, reliving old memories. It’s like a funeral except no one’s dead yet.”  
  
Wally rests his chin on her shoulder. “I know I’m going to miss this place. It was like our trash can house.”  
  
“Ouch,” Dick says. “Thanks for the compliment, Walls.”  
  
“You know what I mean. A good trash can house with frilly curtains and those fancy electric air fresheners from Bath & Body Works that are way overpriced but nobody cares because they smell like cinnamon and cupcakes.”  
  
“It’s whelming,” Dick says, solemn for once. “I know Zee and I are still going to have next year, but it won’t be the same without the full group.”  
  
Zatanna knocks his knee with her own. “Sap. Don’t go crying on us now.”  
  
 _“Nobody_ is allowed to cry,” Megan says. “Because if you start crying, _I’ll_ start crying, and then my makeup will be a mess.” She wipes the corners of her eyes where the tiniest tears have already begun to form.  
  
Conner smiles softly. “I wish we could all just bow out of graduation and stay here forever.”  
  
“We can live off of stale gummy worms and off-brand sodas from the vending machine,” Raquel says. “And in the winter we can huddle near the boiler for warmth.”  
  
“Need I remind you,” Zee says, “that you wouldn’t be in this position if you’d just flunked all of your classes like I told you to. As far as I’m concerned, y’all brought this on yourselves.”  
  
“Or you could have all gone to a local college and stayed in Happy Harbor forever,” Dick adds. He points at Artemis and Wally accusingly. “Looking at you two.”  
  
“I still can’t believe you’re both leaving next month,” Megan says with a sniffle. Kaldur hands her a tissue. “Aren’t you sad?”  
  
Wally shrugs, wrapping his arms around Artemis. “Sure, I guess we’re a little sad to be going so far away, but as long as I’m with my spitfire I’m good.”  
  
Artemis snorts. “You and your dramatic ass.” But she turns her head to kiss him anyway.  
  
Roy boos from his spot on the floor. “There are children here, guys.”  
  
Artemis pulls back from the kiss to flip him the bird. “You and Kaldur have been holding hands this entire time and _we’re_ too publicly affectionate for you?”  
  
“Yeah, because Kal and I are cute about it.” As if proving the point, Kaldur kisses him on the cheek. “And for the record, you’re _all_ being dramatic about this. I haven’t been a high school student for almost a year and I turned out okay.” He pauses. “Mostly.”  
  
“Do you think the underclassmen will remember us?” Megan wonders. “We’re the ones who started this club last year, but after we’re gone there are going to be a bunch of new students who will have no idea about the great things that happened here in the old days.”  
  
“That’s fucking deep,” Dick says. “But true. Kinda wish we’d done something special to memorialize ourselves, but I guess it’s too late for that now.”  
  
“Oh, fuck that,” Artemis says. She stands despite Wally’s protests and plucks a permanent marker from the cup on Tornado’s desk. She uncaps it and scans the room, searching.  
  
“What are you doing?” Kaldur asks.  
  
Artemis ignores him and sets her target on a section of wall beside the door, well within the green stripe of the pride flag they all painted there in September. Ignoring the gasps of her friends behind her, Artemis signs her name right there on the wall.  
  
She turns and holds out the Sharpie. “Well? Who’s next?”  
  
“Bad _ass,”_ Zatanna says. She hops down from the desk and takes the Sharpie, kneeling down to sign her own name in the purple stripe at the bottom.  
  
“We’re going to get busted for this,” Conner says, but he takes the Sharpie when Zatanna hands it off to him. One by one they all sign their names on the wall, imprinting their legacies on the room forever. Dick has to stand on Roy’s shoulders to reach the red stripe at the top.  
  
Once the last name has been written, they all stand back to admire their work. Nine signatures. The original gang, immortalized together in ink and plaster.  
  
  
  
“Not bad,” Kaldur admits after a moment. “Though I usually discourage vandalism, I have to admit that this is a fitting way for us to go out.”  
  
Zatanna nods, threading her arm through Raquel’s and leaning into her side. “It’s pretty.”  
  
“It’s giving me Breakfast Club vibes,” Wally says. “But in a good way.”  
  
Megan rests her head on Conner’s shoulder, eyes misty. “It’s crazy to think about now, but when I first transferred to this school I didn’t think I would make any friends. And now I have you guys.” She looks around at her friends and smiles.  
  
“Two years ago I didn’t think I could be the leader of anything,” Kaldur says. “Let alone being student body president, captain of the swim team, leader of the gayest club in Happy Harbor, and on my way to Yale.”  
  
Artemis snorts. “My life sucked ass.”  
  
“I was so anxious that I convinced myself I would never amount to anything,” Wally says.  
  
Dick takes Wally’s hand and squeezes it. “I was just an immature kid back then.”  
  
“You’re _still_ an immature kid,” Zatanna says, elbowing him. “But it just so happens that I’m one too.”  
  
Roy counts off on his fingers: “I had a daughter I didn’t know about, undiagnosed depression and anxiety, a broken heart left over from Jade, anger issues through the roof, and an incoming breakdown and drug problem. Oh, and I didn’t know what the capital of Arkansas was.”  
  
“Well damn, nobody said you had to make it a competition,” Artemis says with an eye roll.  
  
“My closest companion was Wolf.” Everyone looks at Conner. “What? It’s not my fault I can’t beat a drug addiction.”  
  
“Well I was awesome from the beginning,” Raquel says. “No complaints here.”  
  
Which of course makes them all laugh, gradually bubbling up and spilling out until their sides hurt and their ribs ache. And it’s more than a little over exaggerated, but none of them mention it. Nothing hurts more than goodbye.  
  
“Hey,” Zatanna says after the giggles have died down for the most part, “remember the time we blew up the chem lab trying to make candy?”  
  
Kaldur winces. “Don’t remind me. It was the single most embarrassing moment of my life.”  
  
“Really?” Dick says. _“That’s_ your most embarrassing moment? I thought for sure it would have been when you, me, and Wally went as the OG _Star Wars_ trio for Halloween and that little girl threw up on you.”  
  
Megan’s eyebrows shoot upward. “Wait, that happened?”  
  
“At least I didn’t drop my flour baby down seventeen flights of stairs at the Smencil factory,” Kaldur replies, sending Zatanna a death glare he only half means.  
  
“How many times do I have to apologize for that?”  
  
 _“Apologies won’t bring our daughter back to life.”_  
  
“Remember when we had Fourth of July on Christmas?” Wally says. “That was awesome.”  
  
Dick jumps up and wraps his arms around Conner’s neck, hanging on his back like a koala. “More awesome than when we had our world’s largest spork road trip and this guy got roadsick in Tennessee?” He knocks his chin on Conner’s head pointedly.  
  
“Okay, okay,” Raquel says, “but why isn’t anyone talking about the time Kal spearheaded a project to cover the entire school in bubble wrap? Because that will forever be the best day of my entire high school career, which says a lot considering the nonsense we get into on the daily.”  
  
Roy pulls away from Kaldur’s side to look at him. “Seriously? That’s an actual thing that happened?”  
  
“You missed a lot while you were at college,” Artemis tells him. “A _lot.”_ And she leaps into the story.  
  
They spend a long time like that, sitting in a circle on the floor and reminiscing on events of the past. They rehash birthday parties, epic sleepovers, and pranks that would make a school official cry. Outings like the hiking trip they took over the summer which ended with every last one of them getting a nasty case of poison oak. The time Dick and Zatanna broke into the high school overnight and had to be bailed out when they got locked inside. Their junior prom and senior prom, both so alike yet so different.  
  
But even the best of times have to end eventually. Time ticks forward.  
  
Wally’s phone chimes while Megan is just finishing up a story about the time she and Zatanna got into a tandem biking accident at SeaWorld. The group has relaxed much by now, Dick perched on a cabinet at the back of the room while Raquel lies on the floor using Roy’s lap as a pillow. Zatanna is wearing Artemis’ graduation cap, which Artemis took off at Wally’s request to French braid her mane of hair.  
  
Now he checks his phone, looping a hair tie around the end of the braid as he does. “Well, shit.”  
  
“What’s up?” Raquel asks.  
  
“Aunt Iris says the ceremony is starting soon.” As exciting as the prospect of graduating is, his eyebrows knot with nervousness. The room sobers as acceptance sinks in.  
  
“Guess it’s time to go,” Conner says. He stands and reaches a hand down to help Megan to her feet as well.  
  
“Our final moments before adulthood,” Artemis says, accepting her cap back from Zatanna and fitting it over her head. “Kind of expected there to be more confetti.”  
  
Dick hops down from the cabinet. “I’ve got some rainbow confetti stashed in the vents over the auditorium, if you want.”  
  
“You seriously have a confetti stash in the school?”  
  
“Duh. Want me to load a couple of cannons for when you snatch up that diploma?”  
  
“No, but I’ll keep you posted.”  
  
They file out one by one, Dick chattering to Zatanna about the multiple purposes of confetti cannons while Roy complains about the heat that awaits them outside.  
  
“You couldn’t have brought a sunhat?” Wally asks him, swinging his and Artemis’ hands between them like schoolchildren.  
  
“No, because it doesn’t match my outfit.”  
  
“That’s valid.”  
  
Kaldur is the last one out, reaching to switch off the lights before he hesitates. He turns back to cast one final glance around the GSA room _—their_ room. He soaks in the dank basement air, the pride flags on the walls, his last glimpse of the place that has acted as their home of sorts for the past two years. He takes it all in one last time.  
  
A hand touches his shoulder, pulling him from the moment. “Come on, team leader,” Dick says with a grin. “You don’t want to be late to your own graduation. After all, today’s the day, right?”  
  
Kaldur matches his smile. “Yes. Today is the day.”  
  
He turns out the lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My. Gosh. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS FIC IS FINALLY FINISHED WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? OH MY GOSH.
> 
> I want to thank all of you readers who have stuck by this fic from the beginning or who found it somewhere along the line and gave it a read, THANK YOU. And an even bigger thank you to those of you who commented; every single comment made me monumentally happy and I appreciate you all so fucking much for taking the time to do that. I honestly can't believe that this thing got so long, but I shouldn't be surprised seeing as I literally CANNOT stay away from this universe apparently. (I promise this is the end, though, I know I said that when I finished the first one BUT I MEAN IT THIS TIME!) (Probably.) This sequel wasn't even supposed to exist before a few months ago, but I'm SO glad I did it and I'm so pleased with how it turned out. I hope you all liked it and I am so incredibly relieved to finally get this project off my chest. I love you all!!!! ❤❤❤

**Author's Note:**

> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


End file.
